Saturday, January 31, 2009

Season 8, Episode 5: My Funny Valentine

Episode 5: My Funny Valentine

Up on the roof, Miller was gazing at his precious ring, trying to resist the temptation to put it on (“or those freaky fucked-up dudes with the sunken faces will come”). Owen Tasker arrived and demanded that Miller turn over the ring, or else Miller would meet the same unspecified fate as the ring’s previous owner, Miller’s uncle Oral Hanks.

Ms. Munsen-Meyer was trying to sell Valentine’s Day flowers, but nobody was interested.

Assistant Coach Damon was practicing his dodgeball moves when Junior ROTC officer Tad Poonowl came back to school. Damon asked if Tad could do anything about the military helicopters circling the school, but Tad claimed to know nothing about General Rip Schrader’s operations.

Mr. Huggins met Todd Schrader in the cafeteria to discuss the issue of Todd’s sexuality. To break through Todd’s barriers, Huggins sang him a tender Valentine’s ballad.

In AP English class (taught by Assistant Coach Damon, due to budget cuts), Sterling Schremerhorn was complaining about the cheapness of all the carnations she’d been given. Gwen launched into a profanity-laced rant about Sterling’s ingratitude and Valentine’s Day in general. Damon warned Gwen that her rebellious attitude would get her nowhere, but Sterling sprang to her defense. Trying to spread the spirit to the less fortunate, Sterling gave her candy and flowers to Damon and Gwen.

Tad Poonowl arrived in Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s office, and she congratulated him on his career track with the US government (“the finest corporation on Earth”). She told Tad how much she wished the other students were like him, kneeling by his feet as she envisioned a school full of Tads.

Mr. Huggins held an intervention for Miller regarding his dependence on the ring. (“What does the Hugginses want?”) Miller attacked Huggins and began wrestling him to the ground. As they writhed around wildly, Owen Tasker secretly filmed them from the closet.

Depressed over Sterling rejecting him, Owen asked the school mascot, the Fighting Panhandler, for romantic advice. Communicating in pantomime, the Panhandler suggested getting down on one knee to propose…then spanking her.

In the locker room, Tad Poonowl told Todd Schrader how disappointed Todd’s father, General Rip Schrader, was in him. In fact, Tad revealed, the General had ordered Tad to eliminate Todd with extreme prejudice.

Gwen was cleaning up at the Crash Pad when Sterling entered. Sterling explained that she’d had an epiphany. Having realized that life wasn’t as wonderful for everybody as it is for her, she wanted make Gwen’s life better. Gwen pointed out that, while Sterling’s intentions might be good, her condescending attitude wasn’t helping. Gwen suggested that Sterling try being nice to people, but doubted that she could do it.

STERLING: “You don’t think I can be nice? I’ll show you! Oh, shoot, I’m already not being nice. This is hard! My head hurts!”

Assistant Coach Damon and Ms. Munsen-Meyer were trying to help Miller give up the ring. When Damon offered Miller a package of pastel crayons, Miller immediately forgot about the ring and eagerly traded it. Holding the ring, Damon realized that its power could make him a full-fledged teacher.

Mr. Huggins was at home watching videos and waiting for the plumber, when Gwen came to see him for help. Huggins told Gwen that he admired her artistic streak, which she expressed through her punk aesthetic. Gwen was amazed that Huggins actually understood her. As they conversed, the Fighting Panhandler came by and fixed Huggins’ sink.

As Sterling and Owen prepared the Valentine’s Day dance, Sterling reflected on the irony of her not having a date, what with Todd turning gay and Lewis being in the hospital. Seeing his opportunity, Owen was about to ask her out when Miller suddenly arrived and gave Sterling some chocolates and a card. Touched, Sterling agreed to be Miller’s date. Owen warned Miller that he had just bought himself eight more years of high school.

A stealth helicopter lowered General Rip Schrader onto the roof of the school for a secret meeting with Tad Poonowl. Schrader congratulated Tad on his disguise as a Junior ROTC officer, when he’s actually an elite assassin with a half-machine brain, programmed to kill the General’s son. As the General went to take a leak, Todd Schrader arrived on the roof. Tad used a leg-sweep to knock Todd off the roof, but Todd managed to crawl back up.

Under the influence of the ring, Assistant Coach Damon was gradually becoming Irish. Regaining his will and accent long enough to remove the ring from around his neck, Damon confronted Ms. Munsen-Meyer about their affair a few weeks back. Munsen-Meyer explained that it could never work out between them, since he was only a lowly assistant coach and she was an Ivy League-educated counselor. Damon resolved to use the ring to make himself a powerful man. They kissed.

At the Valentine’s Day dance, Mr. Huggins introduced the couples competing for the title of Valentine’s King and Queen: Miller and Sterling, Owen and Gwen, and Todd and Tad. Huggins then announced the winners: Ms. Munsen-Meyer and Assistant Coach Damon, whom he had seen making out.

NEXT WEEK: Damon and Munsen-Meyer must make their decision.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Season 8, Episode 4: The Scholarship of the Ring

Episode 4: The Scholarship of the Ring

Smoking weed on the roof, Miller told Gwendolyn Pinchot that he accidentally had sex with Todd Schrader, mistaking him for Sterling Schremerhorn. He explained that he was informing her because he knew he was supposed to tell his partner about his recent sexual activity in case of STDs. He wasn’t sure whether that applied retroactively, since this happened after he slept with Gwen, but just in case…

Owen Tasker was at his locker when class ring salesman Oral Hanks arrived to pitch his goods. When Owen expressed interest in a diamond ring, Oral tried to convince him that “diamondesque” was far superior.

Mr. Huggins congratulated Todd Schrader for bravely coming out of the closet. Insisting that he wasn’t gay, Todd claimed that he was only fighting with Miller when Miller pulled out a pipe. (“A fleshy pipe?”)

Ms. Munsen-Meyer met with Todd’s father, General Rip Schrader, but the General was oblivious to her hints about Todd’s coming-out. Finally, Munsen-Meyer grabbed the General’s bullhorn and announced that Todd was gay. General Schrader snatched back the bullhorn and used it to shout that he had no son.

Oral Hanks was selling class rings by the lockers when Sterling Schremerhorn walked by. He recommended his finest “rubish” ring. Sterling eagerly pulled out her credit card.

Assistant Coach Damon was trading in some food stamps for a meal at the Crash Pad. Sympathetic to his plight, Gwen threw in some extra mayo packets. Suddenly, getting wind of the free mayo, the Fighting Panhandler burst in for a handout. Damon and the Panhandler fought until Damon apparently killed the mascot. Ms. Munsen-Meyer attempted CPR, but it wasn’t until the school fight song started playing that the Panhandler came back to full strength.

Oral Hanks ran into his nephew, Miller. Since they’re family, Oral offered to give Miller a very special ring. (“Nine rings were crafted for the chess club. Three rings were crafted for the student council. But one ring was crafted to rule them all.”) With great fanfare, Oral presented Miller with the One Ring.

In the cafeteria, Owen Tasker told Sterling that he knew she was crazy about him. He explained that he’d seen her looking at him in calculus, but she retorted that she was only trying to cheat off of his papers. Owen swore that he would win her heart once he possessed the most powerful ring of all.

On the roof, Miller was savoring his “precious” new ring. Mr. Huggins arrived to discuss Miller’s encounter with Todd. Believing that Huggins was after his ring, Miller assumed a defensive stance.

Oral Hanks ran into Assistant Coach Damon in the hallway. Impressed by Damon’s style, Hanks offered him a job with Jasten’s, his class-ring company. Hanks explained that he was once a lowly assistant cafeteria worker when a man came through selling cock-rings, and his life was never the same afterwards. Now, he was offering Damon the same opportunity.

Gwen was sobbing in an empty classroom when Sterling entered. Gwen angrily blamed Sterling for her STD, since Sterling’s abstinence caused Miller to have sex with Todd. Sterling countered that Gwen only had her own sluttiness to blame. Unbeknownst to either of them, Ms. Munsen-Meyer was behind the podium and had heard everything.

In Miller’s van, Miller and Todd discussed their situation. Todd insisted that he wasn’t gay…even though they had just had sex again. Unbeknownst to either of them, Mr. Huggins was in the backseat and had heard everything.

Owen Tasker and Assistant Coach Damon were practicing dodgeball in the gym. Struck in the groin by a dodgeball, Owen doubled over and wound up with his face in Damon’s crotch. Unbeknownst to either of them, Mr. Huggins was in the gym and had heard everything.

The Fighting Panhandler was wandering around drunk when General Rip Schrader spotted him. Believing the Panhandler to be some kind of alien being, Schrader invited the mascot to his aircraft carrier. Having lulled it into a sense of security, Schrader ordered his men to fire the tranq-guns.

At the Crash Pad, Gwen was reading a pamphlet about her dilemma (“Gonorrhea: It’s No Clapping Matter”). Ms. Munsen-Meyer arrived to discuss Gwen’s future. Munsen-Meyer assured Gwen that her STD was curable and wouldn’t be held against her…but if Gwen ever wanted to get into a good school, she needed to give up her 27-year-old punk-rocker boyfriend.

In the hallway, Owen Tasker declared his love to Sterling Schremerhorn. She pointed out that “love” doesn’t mean making fake photos of her in compromising positions and then showing them to her dying ex-boyfriend, Lewis von Kemia.

Todd Schrader was walking home when he encountered the Fighting Panhandler, now transformed into a living killing-machine by the US military. Todd was helpless against the Panhandler, but was saved when Miller burst in and put on the One Ring. Unable to see Miller, Todd gasped in awe as the invisible opponent quickly vanquished the Panhandler.

NEXT WEEK: Miller asks Ms. Munsen-Meyer for help.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Season 8, Episode 3: The Almost Perfect Storm

Episode 3: The Almost Perfect Storm

Assistant Coach Damon was frantically driving the critically injured Lewis von Kemia to the emergency room. Along the way, Damon had a confession: The last time Lewis was in a coma, Damon harvested some cells from his lower genital region. Lewis was, in fact, the biological father of nine of Damon’s children.

School football star Todd Schrader was admiring his trophies when Owen Tasker walked by in his hockey gear. Admiring the letter on Todd’s varsity jacket, Owen revealed that he only needed to earn five more letters himself and he could get into any college he wanted. Demanding a letter in football, he warned Todd that when things don’t go Owen’s way, things happen…people get cancer.

Undercover cop Joe Luderman was snooping around the custodian’s closet when Sterling Schremerhorn entered. As they discussed their suspicions that Mr. Cook was stealing from their lockers, Joe jokingly accused Sterling of having a crush on Mr. Cook. She responded that she actually had a crush on Joe.

Miller and Mr. Cook were hanging out by that spinning thing that’s on the roof of every high school. Cook warned Miller that he needed to graduate this year, because next year Miller’s son would be getting out of middle school, and it would be just too weird for them to be in the same school together. Suddenly, Ms. Munsen-Meyer rushed up to warn them that a cyclone was coming.

Lewis von Kemia was recuperating in the hospital when Owen Tasker came in. Lewis only vaguely remembered the accident, but Owen persuaded him that Sterling had run him down deliberately, then showed him pictures of Sterling making out with other guys. As Lewis broke down crying, Owen pressured him to turn over the presidency of the Cancer Society so that Owen could letter in it.

After dodgeball practice, Assistant Coach Damon took Joe Luderman aside, explaining that Lewis was suffering terribly and asking Joe to hook him up with some painkillers. Joe’s sympathy for Lewis overcame his dedication to law enforcement, and he agreed to help. Suddenly, Ms. Munsen-Meyer made a panicked announcement over the intercom about the cyclone.

Ms. Munsen-Meyer and Mr. Cook were in the custodian’s closet, gathering emergency supplies. Cook assured her that the generator would be okay as long as water didn’t seep in and short it out. Just then, water seeped in and shorted it out.

Sterling, Todd and Miller had taken refuge in the basement. As Sterling started freaking out and screaming that they were all going to die, Miller suggested that they engage in some end-of-the-world sex.

Owen was driving the unconscious Lewis back to school through the storm. As Owen pondered how to kill Lewis, he suddenly lost control of the car and crashed. Waking up and smelling the gas leak, Lewis realized he had to save Owen.

As Assistant Coach Damon and Joe Luderman struggled through the storm, Damon complimented Joe on his self-confidence and maturity, remarking that he seemed more like an authority figure than a high-school kid.

Having sandbagged themselves in the basement, Ms. Munsen-Meyer and Mr. Cook proposed some end-of-the-world sex.

Sterling Schremerhorn walked back into the basement and announced that she was ready for that end-of-the-world sex. Miller asked “Wait, didn’t we already do it?” Miller and Todd looked at each other. An awkward pause ensued.

As Lewis carried Owen Tasker through the wind and rain, Owen came to and confessed to causing Lewis’ cancer.

Damon and Joe pleaded with Munsen-Meyer and Cook to let them in. As Munsen-Meyer finally relented, the water started coming into the basement, making it a moot point.

As the storm raged, Lewis scaled the wall of the school building with Owen slung over his shoulder. Lewis told Owen that he was only saving him so that the law could prosecute him.

Miller was clinging to his locker as Assistant Coach Damon floated by, using a desk as a makeshift raft. Miller confessed that, in all the darkness and confusion, he had sex with Todd Schrader. Suddenly, the waters started to subside.

With the danger past, Ms. Munsen-Meyer and Sterling were gossiping in Munsen-Meyer’s office. Sterling revealed that Miller and Todd had had sex. Since Todd was always calling people “fag,” they savored the irony.

A despondent Todd went to see Mr. Cook about this twist of fate, since he’d always assumed that Cook was gay. Cook admitted that he used to be a principal at a different school, but lost his job when he had an affair with a coach.

Lewis von Kemia and Joe Luderman stood on the roof, reflecting on the day’s events. Lewis revealed that Owen had given him cancer. (“I wish I knew somebody in law enforcement, so I could see him get what’s coming to him!”)

Assistant Coach Damon lectured Sterling Schremerhorn for leaving Miller and Todd in the lurch and causing them to have sex with each other. Sterling protested that she was saving her virginity. Damon replied that he could respect that, but not when it hurts a man’s ego.

Todd went to see Ms. Munsen-Meyer about his sexual identity crisis. Since he couldn’t bring himself to talk to her, she had him speak to her hand puppet “Grandma Munsen-Meyer.”

Seeing an opportunity for another letter, Owen Tasker asked Miller about the school sculpture Miller was designing. Miller agreed to use Owen as his apprentice and model.

NEXT WEEK: Lewis confronts Owen.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Season 8, Episode 2: Officially the Worst Day

Episode 2: Officially the Worst Day

Lewis von Kemia met Joe Luderman in the hall and asked Joe if he could have his old locker (which had been reassigned to Joe) back. Joe opened the locker and discovered that everything in it had been cleared out. They were both appalled by this invasion of privacy, and suspected that custodian Mr. Cook was to blame.

Sterling Schremerhorn complained to Mr. Huggins about his failing her last art project, a Polaroid collage of other students naked in the girls’ locker room.

Assistant Coach Damon was in Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s office, pleading his case for a promotion to Coach. As he talked, his natural pheromones started to affect her, and she struggled to resist temptation.

Gwendolyn Pinchot and Miller were spending study hall in Miller’s van, sharing some “weedshroom” brownies. After some small talk, they had sex (or at least attempted to).

Mr. Huggins and Assistant Coach Damon were eating in the cafeteria and discussing their respective jobs. Damon pointed out the similarities between athletics and the arts, comparing dodgeball to a ballet. Huggins struggled to contain himself during Damon’s double-entendre-filled discourse about balls.

Ms. Munsen-Meyer brought the students together for a special lecture, in which she revealed that one of the students was pregnant, though she wasn’t naming names. Joe Luderman asked to be excused, since he knew it wasn’t him.

Lewis von Kemia ran into Gwen in the hallway. They both found each other’s new appearance to be incredibly hot. As they tried to have a heartfelt conversation, the Fighting Panhandler wandered by and started begging for change. Gwen slugged the Panhandler, and the Panhandler retaliated by snatching Lewis’ walker. Lewis tried to make the Panhandler face up to whatever inner turmoil made him lash out.

LEWIS: “You don’t have to fight. You don’t have to be rich. You just have to BE. Now fuck off, I’m talking to Gwendolyn!”

Joe was at his first day on the job at the Crash Pad when Miller came in with a case of the munchies. Unfortunately, since Gwen hadn’t told him where anything was, all Joe could offer was salt and pepper. Joe suggested that Miller could make the place better by coming on board as a cook, but Miller couldn’t figure out how to cook without food. Nevertheless, Miller took the job.

Gwen came to Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s office to start work as her assistant/filer. Munsen-Meyer sat Gwen down and started to talk about Gwen’s appearance. Gwen was furious that Munsen-Meyer was judging her look, but Munsen-Meyer explained that she was only pointing out how much they had in common. Munsen-Meyer explained that, twenty years ago, she was just like Gwen (coming to school in a “Welcome Back Kotter” T-shirt). Gwen didn’t want to be like Munsen-Meyer in twenty years. Suddenly, Lewis von Kemia entered, asking for his old filer position back. Lewis took Gwen into the privacy of his walker, and they each offered to step aside and let the other have the job.

Joe Luderman was by the lockers, looking for evidence of drugs. Suddenly, overachiever student Owen Tasker arrived, wearing only a scarf and black bikini briefs. (Sterling rushed in and snapped a picture of Owen for her art project.) Owen explained that he was forming a skin-diving club, on top of being the head of the chess club, football team, word-game club, and Cancer Society. Owen confessed that all his activities were conflicting with each other, and asked Joe to fill in for him at football practice.

Mr. Huggins was straightening up after art class when Miller arrived and asked if he could make up for his “F.” Huggins gave him a pop quiz, and was astounded by how knowledgeable Miller really was. (“You have the equivalent of a master’s degree in your head!”) Huggins asked Miller if he would create a sculpture for the front of the school.

At the Crash Pad, Sterling Schremerhorn was gossiping with Owen Tasker about Gwen’s sister being a carny. Gwen revealed that she’d been behind the counter the whole time, and had heard everything. Gwen said that she’d thought Sterling was her friend, when she was really just an asshole. Owen proposed that they start an Asshole Club.

Assistant Coach Damon was talking to Lewis von Kemia, expressing his admiration for Lewis’ courage. Lewis used his walker to block Damon’s dodgeball, so Damon offered him a position as goalie. Suddenly, Lewis remembered that he needed a kidney transplant within the next 5 hours, so they set out to look for somebody with an extra kidney. Just then, Joe stopped by and asked if they’d seen his “3-kidney pills.”

Sterling Schremerhorn was taking a driver’s ed lesson, taught by the Fighting Panhandler. As they shared some Boone’s Farm and continued the driving lesson, Sterling suddenly ran over Lewis von Kemia.

Mr. Huggins was watching “Spartacus” at home when Ms. Munsen-Meyer paid him a surprise visit to make an important confession.

MUNSEN-MEYER: “I’ve put something of somebody else’s inside my special place.”
HUGGINS: “Okay, you could be talking about your filing cabinet, but I don’t think so.”

At the Crash Pad, Gwendolyn told Joe that he shouldn’t have hired Miller, since things were very awkward between them. In turn, Joe replied that she should have shown him the ropes before leaving him alone on the job. Gwen complained that this was officially the worst day of her life, when Miller, Sterling, and the Panhandler walked in…making it even worse.

NEXT WEEK: Assistant Coach Damon vows to repair Lewis’ broken body.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Season 8, Episode 1: Back to School

A new season, a new setting: SCANDAL! now goes to high school!

Episode 1: Back to School

Our story begins outside Little Five Points High on the first day of school, where the popular cheerleader Sterling Schremerhorn ran into her best friend, Gwendolyn Pinchot, and was taken aback by Gwen’s new punk look. Gwen told Sterling that they couldn’t be seen together, since it would be bad for her new image…but they could still be friends secretly.

Art teacher Randy Huggins asked new student Joe Luderman to stay after class. Mr. Huggins had sensed that Joe was holding in some secret inner turmoil, and reassured Joe that he could confide in him. However, since Joe’s inner secret was that he’s really an undercover cop sent to infiltrate the school’s drug trade, he couldn’t confide in anybody.

Guidance counselor Ms. Munsen-Meyer was going through some files when Miller, the school stoner, arrived for his 10:30 appointment. She explained how proud she was of him for reaching his senior year after only 8 years. She warned him that there were some people in the school that still wanted to hold him back.

Assistant Coach Carl Damon and custodian Mr. Cook were hanging out by the lockers, discussing their suspicions about the new kid, Joe Luderman. Damon worried that Joe was on the marijuana, so when Joe stopped by his locker, Mr. Cook tried to lull him into a false sense of security by assuring Joe that he could store & distribute anything in his locker with complete privacy. Joe thought that Cook was trying to make a business deal.

Gwendolyn Pinchot was at her after-school job at the local coffee shop The Crash Pad when Ms. Munsen-Meyer entered. Gwendolyn asked if she could help out in Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s office after school, and Munsen-Meyer eagerly accepted. As a show of good faith, Gwen offered to cover up the obscenities on her T-shirt when she’s in the office.

Miller was asleep in art class when Mr. Huggins woke him up and gave him an F. Miller defended himself by explaining that he was dreaming about art, and we saw the dream with Miller as Picasso, painting and smoking a chorus line of dancing joints. Huggins would not budge on the F, explaining that he doesn’t believe in rubber-stamping students just to move them along. If Miller wants a passing grade, he’ll have to earn it.

In the auditorium, Assistant Coach Damon and Sterling Schremerhorn were leading a pep rally for the lacrosse team. Suddenly, the school mascot, the Fighting Panhandler, arrived and wandered into the audience, begging for change. Damon explained that this was how they raised money for the school’s woefully-underfunded athletic programs.

STERLING: “I’m the cheerleader AND the team! Please give money!”

After the pep rally, Damon took the Fighting Panhandler aside to offer some tips on his begging technique. The Panhandler showed off his new moves, proving that he doesn’t need any advice. Upset by the Panhandler’s snub, Damon threw his dodgeball at the Panhandler. Damon was stunned that the Panhandler could survive a direct hit without injury, and was left to wonder who was inside the costume.

Ms. Munsen-Meyer and Mr. Cook were in her office, discussing cleaning techniques. They were surprised by the unexpected arrival of Munsen-Meyer’s star assistant from last year, Lewis von Kemia, who had just left the hospital and was ready to start school again. Lewis told her that, during his coma, the only thing that gave him the will to live was his deep subconscious need to file.

At the Crash Pad, Gwendolyn was tallying up the day’s receipts when Joe Luderman entered, looking for a job. Sterling Schremerhorn arrived and invited Joe to her birthday party. (“Gwendolyn, I would invite you, but we’re ‘not friends,’ wink-wink.”) Sterling asked if she could hire Gwen’s boyfriend’s band, The Dead Bunnies, to play at the party. Sterling told Joe that Miller would be providing the Coors and “party favors,” whatever that meant. After Sterling left, Joe asked Gwen if she knew anything about the drug traffic in the school. Joe explained that he thought Mr. Cook was trying to recruit him as a dealer. Gwen remembered that Cook once got her into a pyramid scheme selling moisturizer, so she wouldn’t put it past him.

Mr. Huggins was alone in his classroom, grading the students’ self-portrait kites, when his former star pupil Lewis von Kemia arrived. Huggins was thrilled to see Lewis again, and expressed his admiration for Lewis keeping his sense of humor in the face of his life-threatening illness. (“Well, if you can’t laugh at it, it just kills you.”) Suddenly, Sterling Schremerhorn entered and was startled to see her old boyfriend Lewis, now devoid of his former flowing golden tresses. They hugged, but she was reluctant to return his embrace. She explained that her hesitation wasn’t due to his changed appearance, but because she was afraid of hurting him. Lewis and Sterling had a musical montage/flashback to happier times, culminating in Lewis kicking the shit out of Miller.

Mr. Cook was eyeing Joe’s locker when Miller arrived and offered Cook some 9-year-old daiquiri mix. Cook started to explain his suspicions about Joe, when the Fighting Panhandler wandered by and started hassling Miller for change. A scuffle ensued.

Assistant Coach Damon was eating his Hot Pockets in the cafeteria when Ms. Munsen-Meyer entered. She told him how much she admired his struggling to get by on his experience in the real world, without the benefit of her Ivy League education. Then she broke the bad news that his application to become a full-fledged Coach had been declined, even though the Coach position was vacant. Damon angrily complained about his workload, holding down five jobs and enduring a hellish commute to make ends meet, and the strain it was putting on his marriage…not to mention his medical condition of priapism (look it up). As Damon ranted, Munsen-Meyer held up her hand to silence him. Suddenly, Damon touched his palm to hers.

NEXT WEEK: Lewis delivers the good news to Gwendolyn.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Season 7, Episode 9: Everybody Dies

And now, the final episode of the Miami season!

Episode 9: Everybody Dies

Mayoral candidates Dan Mandarino and Jim McMayonnaise met for a debate, with the Commodore moderating. Jim revealed that he was running for a sympathy vote, explaining that he not only had just a few months to live, but on top of that he was going blind. The only thing he wanted before his death was to be mayor. Dan started his rebuttal, but the Commodore declared that time was up as soon as Dan opened his mouth.

At a homeless mission, a bedraggled figure was trying to open a can of beans with his teeth when Sir John Holmes entered. Using his astounding powers of deduction, he calculated that this shabby vagabond was either the Captain (of The Captain & Tennille) or Angelo Lansbury. Angelo explained that, after he lost all his cocaine, the rest of his fortune went with it. Holmes warned Angelo that he still blamed him for introducing cocaine to England…and causing the death of Holmes’ son. Angelo pleaded for mercy, explaining that he knew who now had his cocaine. Reluctantly, Holmes and Angelo agreed to work together to track down Miami’s new druglord, Orville Furman.

Outgoing Mayor Shula Goldamayer was going over some last-minute paperwork, distraught over the recall election. She couldn’t believe that such an important race had been reduced to a dog-and-pony show with two football stars and other celebrities vying for attention. The Commodore entered to ask why she hadn’t entered the debate. She replied “What’s the point of debating morons?” The Commodore urged her not to give up, and she revealed that she wasn’t giving up her fight against evil…she was only giving up the mayor’s office so she wouldn’t be bound by legal restraints. Once she’s free from office, she can fight evil on her own terms, and live up to her middle name…Shula Ramberg Goldamayer.

The newly-wealthy Detective Orville Furman was compensating Simpson and Snatch for all their years of lousy pay, taking them shopping for new shoes. When they asked where he got all this money, he told them he “inherited” it. They decided to go out and get messed up. (Since Snatch was pregnant, Simpson agreed to get messed up enough for both of them.)

At Pepino’s, Dan was drowning his sorrows while Snatch was drinking near-beer. He asked her why she was siding with Jim McMayonnaise when she was carrying Dan’s child. She replied that Jim truly cared about her, whereas Dan just kept throwing footballs and daiquiris at her. She told Dan that she had good news and bad news.

DAN: “Gimme the bad news first, then gimme the good news twice.”
SNATCH: “Well, the good news and the bad news is really the same thing, so…Jim McMayonnaise is marrying me, Jim McMayonnaise is marrying me, Jim McMayonnaise is marrying me.”
DAN: “I think Jim McMayonnaise just signed his own death warrant.”

Jim McMayonnaise was filming a public service announcement with Angelo Lansbury to fight hunger (by feeding Angelo a Touchdown Honey Bun). Suddenly, a football flew through the air, narrowly missing Jim. Shrugging off the incident, Jim bragged that the election was in the bag…he had fixed the election by telling the Make-a-Wish Foundation that he was dying and going blind, and they were going to make his wish of being mayor come true. Angelo warned Jim that he’d made a big mistake by lying to the Make-a-Wish Foundation…if you tell them you’re dying, and you don’t die, they kill you anyway. Jim realized that his only hope of surviving was to develop a terminal illness. Suddenly, another football narrowly missed Jim.

Sir John Holmes and Officer Simpson were practicing at the firing range when Holmes tried to break the news that Detective Furman was engaged in illegal activities. She couldn’t believe what he was saying about her “soul-mate,” then offered to show off her marksmanship by shooting the corncob pipe out of Holmes’ mouth.

Detective Furman was in his new high-rise apartment when Shula smashed down the door. Furman once again tried to accuse Shula of being the real druglord (having planted more cocaine in her desk), but she wasn’t having any part of it. She pulled out her Throwing Star of David.

The Commodore went to say goodbye to Snatch, explaining that he’d been offered a position at Langley University, to work on the most advanced computer program in existence…the Altair Project, creating artificial intelligence in a clunky robot body. Snatch replied that it was probably for the best, since she was going to marry Jim McMayonnaise anyway. They would each find their own happiness, Snatch with Jim and the Commodore with his project.

Detective Furman was weighing out his cocaine in his high-rise when Angelo entered. As Furman gloated over taking over Angelo’s business, Angelo presented him with one of the “perks” of the business…a bill for all the cocaine Furman had stolen, along with moving expenses. When Furman protested, Angelo threatened to take him to The People’s Court.

Snatch was trying on bridal gowns (and admiring her ass in the mirror) when Poppi arrived, wearing a beautiful gown. He explained that he had returned to Miami to be her bridesmaid. He presented her with something old (his old Village People biker cap), something new (a Reese’s peanut butter cup), something borrowed (a condom he borrowed from a friend), and something blue (a picture of a guy he blew).

At Pepino’s, Jim McMayonnaise’s bachelor party was in full swing. The Commodore presented Jim with a program he’d written where a woman takes off her pixilated clothing…he called it “Leisure Suit Larry.” Sir John Holmes suggested that they employ the services of a lady of the evening. Suddenly, a football flew through the air and narrowly missed Jim.

Dan Mandarino told Simpson about his plan to kill Jim McMayonnaise and then marry Snatch himself. He showed her the ring he’d gotten for Snatch, containing the densest diamond known to man (“It’s the God-Ring”). When Simpson asked what was in this plan for her, he replied that HE was in it for her.

Angelo Lansbury and Detective Furman went on The People’s Court, presided over by special guest judge Tony Danza. Furman argued that when Angelo gave him a kilo of cocaine as a gift back in the first episode, that meant that he was entitled to the rest of Angelo’s cocaine. Unimpressed, Tony Danza ruled in Angelo’s favor. Suddenly, Shula burst in, shirtless (but thankfully still wearing a bra), wearing a headband, and carrying a huge machine-gun. No longer was she Mayor Goldamayer…now, she was RAMBERG! Ramberg struck a blow for justice by shooting Detective Furman repeatedly. Tony Danza used his “Who’s the Boss” housekeeping skills to clean up the mess.

The wedding of Officer Snatch and Jim McMayonnaise was about to begin, with the Commodore conducting the service, Poppi as the bridesmaid, and Tony Danza as the best man. Suddenly, a football flew through the air and narrowly missed Jim, but the ceremony continued. More footballs struck, this time actually hitting Jim. The Commodore spotted the assassin, Dan Mandarino. The Commodore took a football, but wrestled Dan to the ground. Despite having killed the groom, Dan asked Snatch to forgive him and marry him instead. Before she could reply, the mortally-injured Commodore threw one of Dan’s own footballs at him. With almost everybody else dead, Snatch asked Tony Danza to marry her.

Ramberg prepared to announce the results of the election, even though both candidates had just died. Opening the envelope, she was stunned to discover that the winner was a write-in candidate…Ramberg! Suddenly, the spirits of Detective Furman, Dan Mandarino, and Jim McMayonnaise appeared, swearing to haunt her. Luckily, being Jewish, she didn’t believe in them. The spirits departed, and Angelo Lansbury arrived. He explained that losing his fortune had made him see the error of his ways, and he wanted to atone for his past. He revealed that he had organized the write-in campaign that restored her to office. Suddenly, Sir John Holmes arrived, still seeking revenge for his son’s death. Angelo calmly walked up to Holmes, explaining his new program of forgiveness, which he called “Hugs, Not Drugs.” Angelo hugged Holmes, who dropped his billy club and broke down crying.

POPPI: “This is the Miami I’ve come to know and love!”


Sunday, January 25, 2009

Season 7, Episode 8: Misery and Company

Episode 8: Misery and Company

Shula Goldamayer was holding Angelo Lansbury captive in a remote mountain cabin, as revenge for his shooting her foot off. (She now had a prosthetic leg.) Angelo apologized, but Shula said that wasn’t enough…she demanded that he shoot himself to make up for it.

In his office, Orville Furman delivered a Shakespearean soliloquy on the loss of his cocaine. Walking past, Sir John Holmes overheard the monologue and entered, suggesting that Furman pursue a career in the theatre. Furman introduced himself, though he couldn’t remember whether he was Chief, Captain, or Detective. Suddenly, Holmes’ keen deductive senses kicked into high gear. Finding a pop-top on the floor, Holmes and Furman set out on a mission to find the litterbug.

Dan Mandarino and the pregnant Officer Snatch were sharing some quality time in Snatch’s apartment, when they were interrupted by the unexpected arrival of Snatch’s old flame and Dan’s longtime rival, Jim McMayonnaise.

The Commodore was in the office at Pepino’s, working at the computer, when Officer Simpson returned to the scene of her kidnapping. The Commodore explained that he was writing a program to set things in motion, and asked Simpson what she had done with the futuristic 3¼ inch diskette he had given her. She couldn’t remember, but thought she might have put it with her cassette tapes.

Jim McMayonnaise revealed that he had been traded to Miami, and was going to replace Dan as the superstar player. Jim and Dan one-upped each other’s career highlights.

Having followed Shula’s demand by shooting himself in the hand, Angelo Lansbury pleaded for his life. She made him beg in a baby voice, which suddenly awoke her womanly instincts. Shula took Angelo in her arms.

Furman and Holmes were on the trail of the litterbug when Furman recognized the footprints as belonging to the supplier of his “sinus medicine.” Holmes realized that Furman was talking about Angelo Robespierre Lansbury, and Furman was amazed that Holmes had been able to learn Angelo’s middle name. Holmes explained that only a few short years ago, England was completely cocaine-free, until Angelo flooded the market with his product, causing the decline of the British Empire.

As Shula Goldamayer was sleeping in the afterglow, Angelo picked up the phone and called for a car to pick him up. He hurriedly hung up as Shula woke up and offered him latkes. She informed Angelo that the sex changed nothing between them, and that she was still going to take as much revenge as she could within the confines of the law. (“I can’t kill you, but I can ask you to shoot yourself.”) Angelo threatened to use his money and influence to replace her as mayor, and she in turn threatened to burn his cocaine fields. Angelo cut the strap to her prosthetic leg and made his getaway.

After returning to his office, Angelo checked his inventory and discovered that all of his cocaine was gone. He called the warehouse and spoke to his foreman, Reynaldo. In the course of several hours of explanation and pleading, Reynaldo revealed that somebody had come in and taken all the cocaine. Angelo told Reynaldo not to worry, and reassured him that somebody would come around to kill him shortly.

Simpson broke into Buster Banks’ abandoned porn studio, thrilling in the smell of sex. She set up Buster’s camera and got onto the couch, filming her own “big scene” as she sang a ballad about her troubles. Hearing the disturbance, Snatch burst into the studio. They argued about Snatch’s affair with the Commodore, and Simpson shot Snatch in the foot again. (If it weren’t for her full-body armor and bulletproof pantyhose, Snatch would be in really bad shape.)

Dan Mandarino called Angelo’s office, but the receptionist refused to take his call. Shula Goldamayer burst in, and Dan explained that nobody would give him the time of day since Jim McMayonnaise replaced him as Miami’s football hero. Shula tried to rouse Jim’s confidence by reciting a Styx song. Dan came up with a plan to destroy Jim by elevating him to the mayor’s office, then bringing him down. But to do that, he’d need to get rid of the current mayor. He shoved a gag in Shula’s mouth.

Sir John Holmes led Detective Furman to the cabin where Angelo had been held captive, only to discover the Commodore already there. Holmes fulfilled his promise from last week by giving the Commodore the key to the UNIX operating system. Furman changed the subject by revealing that he had used his authority to raid Angelo’s warehouse and load the entire supply of cocaine into a U-Haul. Holmes asked Furman why he had gone through that whole withdrawal ordeal when he had a U-Haul full of coke.

Dan Mandarino was putting up campaign posters when Jim McMayonnaise came by. Jim informed Dan that he had the sex tape of Dan’s affair with Poppi, and threatened to make the tape public unless Dan left town and transferred to the Detroit Lions.

Angelo was putting up “Lost Cocaine” posters when Detective Furman walked by, rubbing Angelo’s nose in his loss before walking on.

Simpson and Snatch had worked out their problems and come to an arrangement regarding the Commodore and Snatch’s babies. When the Commodore arrived, they asked him to join them in a three-way marriage. The Commodore then revealed his own plan. Since Snatch was carrying twins, one fathered by the Commodore and one by Dan Mandarino, the Commodore had devised a method to combine the twins into a single baby. (“Think of it! A baby that is as smart as a nerd, but with the social skills of a quarterback! A superbaby that can survive high school!”)

Out on the streets, Angelo was looking for his lost cocaine when Jim McMayonnaise arrived. Jim repeated some advice that Mike Ditka had given him: “When in doubt, take down everybody around you.” Jim explained that he would use Dan’s sex tape (“Road House of Ass”) to ruin Dan’s career, use the momentum to run Jim for mayor, then legalize cocaine and appoint Angelo the Secretary of Cocaine and the Interior. Jim revealed that he had already set his plan in motion, then turned on a TV to show that the sex tape was being played on every news program.


Saturday, January 24, 2009

Season 7, Episode 7: The Foot-Shooting Party

Episode 7: The Foot-Shooting Party

Snatch informed the Commodore that she was carrying his child. The Commodore was confused, since only a couple of weeks ago it was Simpson who thought she was pregnant with his baby, but she turned out to be mistaken. Snatch assured him that there was no mistake this time…she was going to have twins; one fathered by the Commodore, the other by Dan Mandarino.

In the back room of Pepino’s, Snatch’s renegade sister Patch had Simpson tied up. Patch had taken Simpson’s clothes and hair in order to impersonate her. By disguising herself as Simpson, Patch would worm her way into Snatch’s life and take her revenge.

Mayor Shula Goldamayer was going over some paperwork in her office when she was visited by Sir John Holmes, a detective from Scotland Yard who had transferred to Miami as part of an exchange program. Shula knew Holmes by reputation (“You have the biggest billy club in England!”), and eagerly welcomed him. She told him that she needed his help against Angelo Lansbury.

On the docks, Angelo Lansbury (during contractual negotiations, the part of Angelo Lansbury will be played by Tom Wopat) was selling cocaine when Detective Orville Furman rowed by. Furman angrily explained that he had spent two weeks in rehab, only to return and find himself demoted to Private First Ass. (“When I get my hands on Shula Goldamayer, I’m gonna twist her a new tit!”) Angelo offered to help Furman get revenge and take over the mayor’s office himself. Angelo immediately realized that having Furman as mayor would be a bad idea, then offered to just get Furman’s old job back.

Snatch was on patrol with Patch (disguised as Simpson). Snatch said that, now that she was pregnant, she wanted to be responsible and do some REAL police work. (“Let’s go on a crime spree, but, like, the opposite.”) Patch/Simpson told Snatch about a very dangerous criminal who had arrived in town…years ago, Snatch had a twin sister from whom she was separated at birth. That sister grew up in a life of crime, killing her first man at age three, and became a mistress of disguise. Amazed by this news, Snatch was eager to track down her evil sister. Patch told her she didn’t have to look very far…then took off her Simpson wig.

Sir John Holmes paid a visit to the Commodore to commission some special weapons against crime, such as those provided by Scotland Yard’s “Q.” (“I want an Aston-Martin, a pen that can kill a man from 300 yards, spectacles that can see through a woman’s clothing, and a shoe. Just a shoe, that’s all.”) In return, Holmes would provide the Commodore with the secrets of the UNIX computer system.

Private First Ass Furman came to his old office and found Shula waiting for him. He insisted that he was cured of his drug habit, and she tested him by pulling some cocaine out of his desk drawer and pouring it in his in-box. He accused her of planting the drugs in his desk, and in turn, she accused him of leaving the cocaine just so he could accuse HER of planting it. They both got so confused, neither one could remember whose cocaine it was. (“You see how ridiculous this is going to sound in court!”)

At Pepino’s, the bound and scalped Simpson sang a song about her plight.

The Commodore showed Sir John Holmes his new weapon…a “pen” the size and shape of a rocket launcher. As promised, Holmes gave the Commodore an advanced microchip. Holmes then demonstrated his deductive skills by explaining the ridiculously elaborate process by which he had figured out the Commodore’s real name, Gerald Jameson.

Furman and Angelo Lansbury had placed Shula Goldamayer in a jail cell. Shula protested this unauthorized incarceration (“What are you going to do, arrest me for cocaine?”), then uncrossed her legs Sharon Stone-style. Furman demanded the return of his old job and his cocaine habit. When Shula refused, Angelo shot her foot off. Shocked, Furman pulled out his own gun and leveled it at Angelo, starting a Mexican stand-off.

Sir John entered Pepino’s just as Simpson crawled up from the basement. After Holmes freed her, she asked him to come with her as back-up to rescue Snatch.

On the pier, Snatch and Patch were in their own Mexican stand-off, when they decided to put their guns away and just talk out their problems. Patch explained that she and Snatch were twins fathered by two different men, just like the babies Snatch was now carrying. Patch said that those babies were the only reason she didn’t kill Snatch right away. (“One of them is mine! I don’t mean I’m the father, I mean I’m taking one!”)

To track down Patch, Holmes and Simpson enlisted the assistance of sketch artist Lebbie Gibson. Holmes observed that Lebbie reminded him a lot of his own country’s Samantha Fox. While describing her kidnapper, Simpson remembered that one of Patch’s eyes wasn’t real. Hearing Simpson’s description, Holmes realized that Patch fit the description of his own arch-nemesis, Lady Chandelier Moriarty.

The stand-off between Angelo and Furman continued. Angelo sneezed, causing him to accidentally shoot Furman in the arm. Taking advantage of this twist of fate, Angelo picked up Furman’s fallen gun. Suddenly, the Commodore rushed in, looking for a shoe. Everybody tried to explain their side of the story, but the Commodore accepted Angelo’s version, since Angelo was the one pointing a gun at him.

Patch continued telling her life story to Snatch, including the time she became a master spy in England, when Sir John Holmes and Simpson rushed in to the rescue. In the struggle, Patch shot Snatch in the butt. Simpson retaliated by shooting Patch, while Holmes saved Snatch by performing mouth-to-ass resuscitation. Suddenly, the Commodore arrived. (“Sorry, I was totally at the wrong Mexican stand-off!”) Sir John declared that Snatch and both of her babies were all right. Because the Commodore had come to her rescue and Dan wasn’t even there, Snatch decided to keep the Commodore’s baby and give Dan’s to Patch. After hearing that Snatch had slept with the Commodore, the jealous Simpson shot off Snatch’s foot. Patch grabbed Sir John’s billy club and kneecapped Simpson. The only ones left standing, Sir John Holmes and Patch/Lady Chandelier Moriarty faced off for a final showdown. Although Patch had the drop on Holmes, Holmes seized the advantage by exposing himself. While she was awestruck, Holmes grabbed the Commodore’s “pen” and took Patch down.


Friday, January 23, 2009

Season 7, Episode 6: Hot Salsa

Episode 6: Hot Salsa

Angelo Lansbury offered his condolences to Buster Banks over Dixie Greenflag’s death. (“Even though I would have killed her myself, I’m sorry for your loss.”) Buster informed Angelo that he had killed Dixie’s murderer, Rodriguez Philbin. However, before he died, Rodriguez had called Buster “brother”…which would mean that Angelo is Buster’s father. They headed out to get a paternity test.

Poppi was preparing for a busy night at his nightclub, Coconutz, when a mysterious and beautiful woman entered. Introducing herself as Claudia, she explained that she had come to Miami from Colombia, and was opening her own Salsa nightclub two blocks away. Poppi was so shaken by the competition that his theme music failed him.

At City Hall, Mayor Shula Goldamayer promoted Officer Simpson to be the new chief of police in Detective Furman’s absence. She asked Simpson to take down Angelo Lansbury by hitting him where it hurts the most…in his testicles.

Officer Snatch was cooking up some Cap’n Crunch for breakfast in Dan Mandarino’s apartment. Dan woke up and reflected on how good life was as a swinging bachelor with nothing to tie him down. Snatch informed him that “There’s a biscuit in the proverbial toaster-oven that is my uterus.” She wasn’t sure whether the baby was Dan’s, Buster’s, Rodriguez’, or even Poppi’s. Stunned, Dan asked her to take a paternity test.

After sinking all his money into “Weekend at Bernie’s,” Buster was down to his last $3.00. Shula Goldamayer entered and offered him a job filming a campaign commercial for her. (“I’ve been a big fan of your work ever since ‘Diddler on the Roof.’”) Suddenly, Buster got a phone call from the paternity clinic…he was indeed Angelo Lansbury’s son.

Dan Mandarino was signing autographs at the mall when Poppi rushed in with the news that Claudia was planning to run Poppi out of business. Dan promised to use his authority as a newly-appointed police officer, as well as his “inimmunity” from prosecution, to run Claudia out of town. In return, Dan asked Poppi for a blood sample for Snatch’s paternity test.

Simpson and Snatch set off to carry out Simpson’s assignment of testicular punishment for Angelo. Arriving in Angelo’s office, Simpson informed him that, as the new chief of police, she had to be tough on crime and take him in. When Angelo protested that they needed him to provide them with cocaine, they informed him that they had a new connection, “a new lady in town.” Simpson ordered Angelo to drop his pants. When he complied, Simpson and Snatch were awestruck by the sight, and decided that Angelo belonged in one of Buster Banks’ porn movies.

It was opening night at Claudia’s new Salsa nightclub, Pepino’s, and everybody who’s anybody was there. (Even the guy who writes these summaries got in on the action.) When Angelo Lansbury arrived, Shula punched him in the nuts. Buster retaliated by punching Shula. However, not even the brawl could dampen the spirits of the other partyers. Outside, a despondent Poppi looked in through the window.

The next day, Chief Simpson came to make sure Claudia’s beer and wine license was in order. Claudia explained that she was expecting the license in the mail. In the meantime, Claudia prepared her specialty, a “Hot Passion shooter,” then offered Simpson some Salsa dance lessons to make her irresistible to men. (“Imagine that every time you move your body, you’re having tiny little orgasms all over.”) As Claudia stood behind Simpson for the lesson, Simpson felt something odd.

SIMPSON: “Is that a gun in your crotch?”
CLAUDIA: “As a matter of fact, it is.”

Suddenly, Claudia chloroformed Simpson.

After the world premiere of “Weekend at Bernie’s,” Buster and Shula were having a drink to apologize to each other for the brawl. Buster revealed that the premiere had gone so well that he’d gotten job offers from Steven Spielberg and George Lucas. The opportunity was too good for him to pass up, so he’d have to leave. Shula and Buster had a tearful farewell, then ran off to have “crying sex.”

With Coconutz gone out of business, Poppi headed out on the road, carrying a bindlestiff (you know, those bag-on-a-stick hobo things…). Officer Snatch came by to say goodbye, and asked him where he was going. Poppi explained that he was planning to become a theatre critic in “the only city gayer than Miami…Atlanta, Georgia.” He said goodbye to Snatch. (“You are the only woman who could get me to stick my penis in a natural vagina.”) Taking that as a cue, Snatch asked Poppi for a blood sample for the paternity test. Anticipating her request, Poppi presented her with a poem he had written in his own blood: “It’s a Marshmallow World in the Winter.”

Buster told Angelo that he was going to L.A. to work as an assistant director on “Howard the Duck”…and that the paternity test confirmed that Angelo was his father. Angelo and Buster caught up on their relationship by having all the usual father-son arguments in under a minute. As a farewell present, Angelo presented Buster with a ring that had been passed down through his family since the days of the cocaine Vikings.

Dan and Snatch brought the blood samples to the Mayor’s office, where Shula ran them through her DNA-anator. After getting the results, Shula informed Snatch that she was carrying twins. One was Dan’s, and the other… (Dramatic musical sting as the scene ends before she completes the sentence.)

Simpson regained consciousness in the back room of Pepino’s, where Claudia stood over her gloating. Claudia dropped her accent and confessed that her true purpose in coming to Miami was not just to run Poppi out of business, but to get revenge on Simpson and Snatch. When Simpson asked why, Claudia took off her wig and revealed her true identity…she’s Snatch’s sister, Patch.


Thursday, January 22, 2009

Season 7, Episode 5: Everybody Dies

Episode 5: Everybody Dies

Officer Simpson was grilling the Commodore about the murder of Mary Lou Retton. She brought in a line-up of suspects (Dan Mandarino, Officer Snatch, Buster Banks, Angelo Lansbury, and a random guy), asking the Commodore to point out the person he saw standing over Mary Lou’s body. She confessed that she believed the Commodore himself did it, but she was willing to frame whoever he picked out. Seeing a chance for revenge, the Commodore identified Dan Mandarino as the killer. They pulled Dan out of the line-up and confiscated his football. Simpson revealed the reason for her action: she’s pregnant with the Commodore’s child.

Angelo Lansbury was trying to handle his business affairs when Rodriguez Philbin entered. Rodriguez revealed that he was Angelo’s son, whom Angelo had tried to have killed by a “baby hitman.” Angelo told Rodriguez that he was at death’s door due to having his liver ejected from his body. Rodriguez immediately went from vengeful to sympathetic, and offered to kill everybody in town to find a match for his liver.

Buster Banks was in his editing room when his lost love, Dixie Greenflag, entered. She revealed that, since fleeing town after shooting Angelo, she had found religion and was putting her life as a porn star behind her. (“The only threesome I’m interested in now is the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.”) She asked Buster to join her in her new life.

Dan Mandarino was working as a celebrity bartender at Coconutz, despondent without his football. (Even his career highlights were dull now.) Shula Goldamayer entered and congratulated him for blowing out Angelo’s liver. She offered him a chance to fight more crime by joining the police force. She admitted that they had a lot in common…she used to play football as well, though she played street football because she was too hardcore for the NFL. Dan suddenly recognized her as his idol, “The Shulanator.”

In Simpson & Snatch’s apartment, Simpson told Snatch that she believed she was pregnant. Snatch wanted to have a baby herself so that they could share the experience together, even though Simpson had two weeks’ headstart.

SIMPSON: “Maybe you could have your baby prematurely.”
SNATCH: “Well, I do smoke a lot.”

When Simpson revealed that the father was the Commodore, Snatch was appalled. Snatch explained how the Commodore had threatened her mother. They were both so emotionally conflicted that they decided to go out and get drunk.

The Commodore and Buster Banks were hanging out at the arcade. Buster noticed that the Commodore had Dan’s football…which was only the first part of the Commodore’s plan to get revenge on Dan. Buster suggested that they combine that with his own plan to get revenge on Rodriguez Philbin for killing Mary Lou Retton. Struck by a sudden inspiration, Buster asked the Commodore to take over Mary Lou’s role in his movie.

Angelo was in the hospital for his daily blood-cleansing when Dixie Greenflag entered. Despite their having tried to kill each other, their strange circumstances brought them to a kind of truce. Now that he’s at death’s door, Angelo asked Dixie to forgive him for getting her into porn. She asked him to repent for all his misdeeds, not just his crimes against her. He agreed, and promised not to stand in the way of her marriage with Buster.

Officer Snatch was buying donuts at a convenience store when Rodriguez Philbin entered and introduced himself. Snatch reminded him that she had arrested him last week, and tried to do so again. When Rodriguez threatened to take her liver, Snatch told him that she knew an even better match…somebody she needed to get rid of anyway. If Rodriguez would eliminate her enemy, she would provide him with a victim…Dixie Greenflag.

Shula Goldamayer was going over some new legislation when Angelo staggered in, asking her help in moving him up the list to get a new liver. Shula pointed out that she had predicted that his life of crime would lead to something like this. When he said that he regretted his evil ways, Shula opened her desk drawer and presented him with the perfect type B-Positive liver…Mary Lou Retton’s.

The Commodore went to see Simpson, ready to take responsibility as a father. She revealed that she wasn’t pregnant after all, then pulled her gun on him for threatening Snatch’s mother. She couldn’t bring herself to do it, and ordered him to go. Before he left, he gave her a gift of “the future”…a computer diskette.

At Amateur Night at Coconutz, Dixie Greenflag was singing a rockin’ song about finding religion. At the end of her song, Rodriguez Philbin came on stage and complimented her on her performance. (“I find you very attractive. Therefore, I must kill you in front of this amateur night audience.”) After strangling her, Rodriguez took a bow and announced, “I’ll be here all week.”

Buster Banks was filming Dan Mandarino in a commercial for Tiger Malt Liquor. In the course of their conversation, Buster mentioned the sex tape he had of Dan and Poppi. Dan said he would do anything to get that tape back.

At Coconutz, Simpson and Snatch investigated the crime scene. Snatch recognized Dixie as the star of her favorite porn film, “Guess Who’s Coming at Dinner?” Simpson figured that the murder was the work of Rodriguez Philbin, but Snatch made up an alibi for him, claiming he was having sex with her at the time. Simpson was appalled that Snatch might be pregnant, now that Simpson knew that she herself wasn’t. Snatch asked Simpson to be the father figure for her baby.

Rodriguez Philbin was cooking Beanie Weenies at Buster’s place, then hid when Buster arrived. Buster found a newspaper headline announcing Dixie’s murder. Before he had time to grieve, he heard the tell-tale flatulence and discovered Rodriguez. Buster grabbed his gun.

RODRIGUEZ: “You can shoot me, Buster Banks…but know that you’d be shooting your own brother!”
BUSTER: “I’ll investigate that plot point later!”

With that, Buster shot Rodriguez.


Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Season 7, Episode 4: A Gold Medal in Murder

Episode 4: A Gold Medal in Murder

Buster Banks and Poppi were making cold calls to raise funds for Buster’s movie. When they called on a Mr. Francoise, Poppi started negotiating in French, getting Mr. Francoise to commit $250,000. When Francoise asked “Who do I make the check out to?”, they thought he was saying something about Gerard Depardieu, so they agreed to cast him.

Shula Goldamayer used her menorah to hypnotize Officer Snatch and find out her true feelings about Dan Mandarino.

SNATCH: “Dan Mandarino, he’s really hot…he really likes me…a lot.”
SHULA: “You rhymed! That means it’s true love!”

Angelo Lansbury was on the pier, pitching his cocaine to passersby, when a mysterious stranger walked by. The man introduced himself as Rodriguez Philbin, explaining that he had just come to America from Cuba to avenge his father’s murder. Angelo welcomed Rodriguez to America by giving him a bag of cocaine.

Officer Simpson was fixing breakfast for the Commodore after their night of passion. The Commodore confessed that he wasn’t comfortable with human contact, but Simpson replied that he didn’t seem to uncomfortable last night. She took off the Commodore’s glasses, telling him that he could be really attractive if he loosened up.

When Detective Furman confessed that he was in a very dark mood since losing the enchanted wig, and that he had burned the “impostor” wig, cursing it for ruining his dreams. Poppi pointed out that no hairpiece could ruin Furman’s dreams…only Furman himself did that. As they talked, Poppi’s theme song started playing, and Furman and Poppi danced to it. Poppi realized that Furman had also heard “the inner monologue of the homosexual male,” but Furman denied it.

Buster Banks was in the studio when Rodriguez Philbin knocked on the door. Buster recognized Rodriguez as his old friend from when he spent spring break in Cuba. Rodriguez asked if he and his 12 cousins could stay in Buster’s studio. Buster agreed, on the condition that Rodriguez play the dead body in his movie. When Rodriguez complimented Buster on his Mary Lou Retton-style flag-design jumpsuit, they suddenly got the brilliant idea of asking Mary Lou Retton to co-star in the movie.

Detective Furman was hanging out at Coconutz when Mayor Shula Goldamayer came in and fired him because he’d ordered Snatch to rat on Dan Mandarino. Furman started ranting about how Dan thought he could get away with anything, then Shula reminded Furman that he himself had given Dan immunity from prosecution. Noticing the cocaine on the floor, Shula realized she needed to take drastic measures to help Furman. She handcuffed herself to Furman to keep him away from drugs.

FURMAN: “I’ll die, I tell you!”
SHULA: “Then I’ll drag your dead body around and pretend you’re alive!”

At Coconutz, Poppi offered Angelo his latest drink invention, the “Pooty-Tooter.” As Angelo drank it, a football suddenly flew through the air and struck Angelo.

Out on the streets, Simpson and Snatch were placing a tape outline around a dead body (“This is like a REAL case!”). As they examined the body, Rodriguez Philbin walked up and tried to take the body away. As Simpson and Snatch prepared to arrest him for interfering with a crime scene, he explained about his quest for vengeance.

RODRIGUEZ: “I’m looking for the man who killed my father, and if I have to kill every white woman in this town to do it, I will!…Did I just say that out loud?”

In the hospital, Angelo explained to the Commodore that the football had hit him so hard, he “pooped out his liver.” He now needed a transplant. However, his blood type (B-Positive) was so rare, that the only matches were the other 9 people in the cast.

Buster went to the prison to visit Rodriguez, but was stopped by Officer Simpson at the admittance desk. He identified himself as Buster Banks (“Perhaps you’ve seen one of my movies scrambled on your TV at night”), and Simpson was awestruck. She was a big fan of his movies, but offered him some constructive criticism on the lighting. Impressed, he hired her as a lighting person. As he reached across the desk to shake hands, he accidentally knocked over Simpson’s portable siren, and she slugged him.

Having escaped from jail, Rodriguez Philbin went to Coconutz looking for a job as a cook. Poppi had so much trouble understanding him that Rodriguez finally dropped his accent and asked Poppi not to reveal that he wasn’t really Cuban. Rodriguez explained that years ago, he had seen a videotape of his father being killed, but now he believed that it was actually his father DOING the killing…and that his father was Angelo Lansbury.

Shula Goldamayer dragged Detective Furman to temple for some perspective. As she prayed, God spoke to them and told Furman to read the scroll on the altar. God told him to stare at the scroll and unfocus his eyes until the message appeared.

The Commodore called on Officer Snatch, informing her that his program had named her as the best match for Angelo’s liver. He warned her that if she didn’t donate her liver, he could make life hell for her…even worse than life without a liver.

Rodriguez Philbin was alone in Buster’s studio when Mary Lou Retton arrived, eager to start work on Buster’s movie. Consumed with bloodlust, Rodriguez killed her just as Buster walked in.

As Angelo and Poppi were shopping for funeral clothes (just in case), Poppi warned Angelo about Rodriguez’ quest for vengeance. To show his love, Poppi was prepared to save Angelo in two ways: He would donate half of his liver, plus he would disguise himself as a woman and set himself out as bait to trap Rodriguez.

The Commodore arrived at Buster’s studio and was horrified by the sight of Buster kneeling over Mary Lou Retton’s corpse. (“You’ve killed an innocent woman who looked like a child!”) Buster proclaimed his innocence, and told the Commodore that they had to find Rodriguez Philbin.

BUSTER: “Have you seen a small Hispanic man running around?”
COMMODORE: “In Miami?”


Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Season 7, Episode 3: Geek in the Machine

Episode 3: Geek in the Machine

Detective Furman visited Officer Snatch in the hospital, where she was recovering from a stab wound in the neck, receiving the best treatment she could get without medical insurance. Furman asked for Snatch’s help in taking down Dan Mandarino. She replied that she had a conflict of interest, since she’d gone on a date with Dan, and he brought a Care Bear to her hospital room. Furman warned her that her badge was riding on this.

Having been sucked into Angelo Lansbury’s computer, the Commodore was at Angelo’s mercy.

ANGELO: “What if I hit the Tab key?”
COMMODORE: “No! You’ll send me over five spaces!”

Buster Banks was on the set of his next picture when Dan Mandarino burst in, demanding the film Buster had taken of Dan and Poppi. Dan bragged that he would stop at nothing to get the film back, since he had complete immunity from prosecution (“I’m a god!”). Buster agreed to keep Dan’s sex tape out of circulation, if Dan would star in Buster’s dream project. (“You’re stiff enough to play the dead body in my picture.”)

Officer Simpson was taking in Mayor Shula Goldamayer for questioning in Snatch’s stabbing. Shula confessed that, during the 15 minutes that she lost her glasses during the struggle with Dan, she had an epiphany. Her brief period of impaired vision had made her realize what it was to be weak and oppressed…and now she wanted to devote her mayoral power to freedom and justice. She asked Simpson to call off the hit on Angelo Lansbury and Poppi. Since Simpson had lost her gun anyway, she agreed.

Angelo Lansbury was having a drink and a conversation with Poppi at Coconutz. After Poppi made a number of innuendo-filled come-ons, Angelo explained that he was straight, and only liked ladies. Poppi replied, “I could be a lady one day…if I get my pee-pee chopped off.”

Detective Furman was snorting coke in his office when the Commodore appeared on his computer screen. (“I didn’t know you could hallucinate through cocaine use!”) The Commodore assured him that he was real, and that he was stuck inside the world’s network of computers. (“It’s nothing like ‘Tron’ at all! There’s no motorcycle races, just green letters!”) Furman asked the Commodore if he could get into the mayor’s computer and arrange health insurance for the police department. In return, Furman would try to get the Commodore back into the real world, even though “getting a living being out of a computer is a metaphysical crisis I can’t even begin to imagine!”

Having been released from the hospital, Officer Snatch went to see Dan Mandarino. She explained that Furman had asked her to do something to Dan, though she wasn’t clear on exactly what. Dan asked what she was going to do.

SNATCH: “I’m gonna do what you’re gonna do.”
DAN: “You’re gonna play the Bengals on Sunday?”

Buster informed Poppi that he was planning on getting out of porn and into real movies. (“I don’t want to keep making ‘Jesus Christ, Pooperstar’ over and over.”) Poppi warned him that hardly anybody had ever made the transition from porn to mainstream, with the exception of Steven Spielberg.

Shula was taking a catnap in her office when the Commodore entered her computer and fixed the police department’s health insurance. When she woke up, the Commodore hid behind a menorah.

Simpson and Snatch filmed a public service announcement. (“Kids, be smart. Don’t do drugs. Stick to the alcohol and cigarettes.”)

Angelo Lansbury paid a visit to Buster’s studio. When Angelo promised to get even with Dixie Greenflag for shooting him, Buster threatened to rip out Angelo’s throat, play a tune on it and then throw it away like a used clarinet reed. In return, Angelo threatened to pull the financing from Buster’s porn operation. Buster wasn’t worried, since he was going to make a non-porn film, which he felt would be his biggest hit since “The Red Vadge of Courage.”

At Coconutz, Simpson and Snatch told Poppi that they were upset with him for taking all of the available men in Miami, e.g. Dan Mandarino. Poppi revealed that he now felt nothing for Dan, then he sang a song about his new love, Angelo Lansbury.

Dan Mandarino was sitting at the pier, reflecting on his situation, when the Commodore appeared on a nearby computer monitor. Dan soon recognized the Commodore as the nerd he used to bully in high school. Now that he was inside the world’s network of computers, the Commodore took revenge by selling Dan’s parents’ chicken farm to the Amish.

Detective Furman was drinking at Coconutz when Poppi entered and asked him why he was wearing such a ridiculous wig. Poppi informed Furman that what he was wearing was NOT the enchanted hairpiece that had belonged to Poppi’s grandmother…this wig belonged to a drag queen named Buffalo Manchilde. Furman was shocked by this revelation, since this wig had given him the confidence and inspiration to get up and sing.

The reformed Shula Goldamayer stormed into Angelo Lansbury’s office, demanding that he give up his illegal activities. Angelo offered her some coke to calm her down. (“Cocaine is a stimulant; it won’t calm me down! Quaaludes will calm me down!”) Angelo refused to abandon his dangerous but profitable business, even after Shula led him in a prayer.

Dan Mandarino informed Buster Banks that he’d have to put off starring in Buster’s movie, since he needed to go to Pittsburgh and save his family’s farm. Buster asked Dan to do one favor before he left. Buster knew that Dan’s throwing arm was so strong and accurate that he could kill a man with a football from 200 yards…which is precisely what Buster wanted Dan to do to Angelo.

Simpson and Snatch told the Commodore that they were too grateful to arrest him because he’d gotten them health insurance. When the Commodore made a condescending remark, Snatch retorted that, just because they’re sluts, that doesn’t mean they’re stupid. To prove their intelligence, Simpson and Snatch released the Commodore from the computer using a bobby pin, a 9-volt battery and a shot of Captain Morgan’s rum. Then they took the Commodore away for the best sex he’d ever have in his lifetime.


Monday, January 19, 2009

Season 7, Episode 2: Porn on the Fourth of July

Episode 2: Porn on the Fourth of July

Poppi was sunbathing and writhing sensually at Miami Beach when Buster Banks offered him a part in his new movie, “All the President’s Men…ALL of Them.” Buster explained that he was looking for a new star and for someone in his heart…but they had to be two different people. The last time he fell in love with his star, it ended badly…she shot somebody and then ran away. (“It’s a good plan, to run after shooting a man.”)

Angelo Lansbury was in his office, doing some telemarketing to sell his cocaine. Simpson and Snatch arrived to investigate his shooting. Angelo explained that he’d treated his wound himself (by placing band-aids on the entrance and exit wounds) and that he didn’t intend to press charges…he’d handle the matter himself. He told Simpson and Snatch that they were the finest dirty cops on his payroll, and that he wanted them to make sure their new superior, Detective Furman, stayed in line.

Mayor Shula Goldamayer met with Dan Mandarino to discuss the upcoming ceremony presenting him with the key to the city. Dan wasn’t satisfied with just the key…he wanted her to rename the city from “Miami” to “Mandarino.” When Shula refused, the enraged Dan knocked over a table. In response, Shula jumped on Dan and started pounding away.

At Poppi’s nightclub Coconutz, Detective Furman was pontificating on the merits of generic beer, which Furman considered to be an admirable embodiment of socialist principles. However, Poppi was more interested in dancing to “Maneater” than in philosophy. After the song ended, Furman confessed that he’d lost the wig Poppi had given him. Poppi urged Furman to get it back, as it had belonged to Poppi’s grandmother…plus, it had magical powers.

Angelo was continuing his telemarketing campaign when he received a visitor…the computer expert known only as “The Commodore.” Angelo explained that he’d called in the Commodore in order to make sure that the data on his criminal empire was secure.

Simpson and Snatch were watching the fireworks when Dan Mandarino joined them, angry about the beat-down Shula had laid on him. For revenge, he planned for Simpson to disguise herself as him during the key ceremony, then, while Shula was distracted, he’d run out and blindside Shula. As he took off his jersey for Simpson’s disguise, she started babbling about a dream she’d had where Dan scored a touchdown while he was naked, emphasizing the “naked” aspect. We saw a flashback to Simpson’s dream.

Detective Furman met with Mayor Goldamayer to discuss the police department’s performance. After protesting that he didn’t have the budget to hire more than two cops, Furman revealed what was really troubling him…he felt like only half a man without the wig. Shula told him that she’d seen the wig in Dan Mandarino’s apartment. Consumed by jealousy and rage, Furman drew his gun and stormed out.

Buster Banks was on the set of his new movie, “A Funny Threesome Happened on the Way to the Forum,” when the Commodore entered. Buster and the Commodore believed that computer programmers and porn-makers had a bright future together (“Someday, my friend, computers and porn will go together like guns and bullets”). They planned to double-cross Angelo by installing a special program that would suck Angelo’s soul into the computer…and then, Buster could use Angelo’s body for his next movie, a comedy about two guys who have to make it look like a dead guy is still alive. He was thinking of calling it “Weekend at…”—well, he hadn’t decided on the name.

Detective Furman went to Dan Mandarino’s apartment, offering him 7/8 of a kilo of cocaine in exchange for the wig. Unimpressed, Dan named his own price…complete immunity from prosecution for ANYTHING. Furman agreed, and Dan handed over the wig. They both laughed maniacally.

Angelo came to the Commodore’s office to pick up his computer. As part of his payment, the Commodore requested a meeting with Dan Mandarino. Angelo was surprised, since he didn’t expect a computer nerd to be into sports. The Commodore replied that he knew all about football. (“Football is played with a ball.”)

Buster Banks was planning such future projects as “All Coming on Her Western Front” and “Much Ado about Stuffing” when Poppi arrived, eager to do either “Manlet” or “Two Gentlemen of the Boner.” In the course of their discussion, Poppi mentioned his relationship with Dan Mandarino. Stunned by this revelation, Buster started contemplating how many people would pay to see a football hero in a porn film. They decided to plant a hidden camera and catch Dan in the act.

Mad with wig-power, Detective Furman took the stage at Coconutz, singing about his dream of being a princess. Surveying the nightclub, Furman contemplated revoking Poppi’s liquor license in order to take over the club himself.

Mayor Shula Goldamayer was preparing to present the key to the city to Officer Simpson, who was disguised as Dan Mandarino. As Simpson delivered her acceptance speech, the real Dan (dressed in Simpson’s clothes) snuck up and tackled Shula. In the struggle, Shula accidentally stabbed Officer Snatch in the neck with her eyeglasses. Victorious, Dan took the podium and informed the people of Miami that “you belong to me now!”

Having set up the hidden camera in Dan’s apartment, Buster hid when Dan returned. Poppi tried to seduce Dan for the new movie, but Dan wasn’t interested in sex, what with all the changes happening in his life. (“I think I might have declared myself mayor.”) Dan revealed that he’d done so much in his short time in Miami, he was now ready to “trade himself” and move on to new challenges. As Poppi insisted on talking about their sex life, Dan grew suspicious. Dan discovered the hidden camera.

Now that his computer was all set up, Angelo Lansbury called up the Commodore for tech support. The Commodore instructed Angelo how to turn on his computer, but Angelo just couldn’t find the right keys. Frustrated with Angelo’s inability to follow simple directions, the Commodore rushed into Angelo’s office to do it himself. Without thinking, the Commodore activated the computer, which sucked in the Commodore’s soul and left his body a mindless husk. Puzzled by this strange turn of events, Angelo looked through the Commodore’s computer disks and discovered his “Angelo Mind-Control” program.


Sunday, January 18, 2009

Season 7, Episode 1: Welcome to Miami

It's a new season, and a new setting...this time, our adventures and mishaps take place in 1980s Miami...not the real Miami, but the TV Miami. And by "TV Miami," I'm talking Don Johnson, not David Caruso. Let's rock!

Episode 1: Welcome to Miami

Detective Orville Furman, newly transferred to Miami, called in undercover officers Simpson and Snatch. He informed them that a citizen had complained that, when the officers answered his 911 call, “his 10-year-old child saw nipple!” Furman explained that he accepted Simpson & Snatch having their own personal style of dress, but warned them not to expose themselves to children.

Film director Buster Banks and his leading starlet, Dixie Greenflag, were preparing to shoot their latest literary adaptation, “The Glass Menage a Trois”…their most ambitious collaboration since “Three Sisters on Sisters.” As they discussed the project, Buster grew pensive and explained that it’s always been his policy never to get personally involved with the talent…and that he wanted Dixie to quit the business so that they could pursue a relationship together. Dixie was stunned by his proposal, but reluctant to abandon her dream of starring in “The Merchant of Penis.”

Angelo Lansbury, CEO of Miami’s leading cocaine distribution company, met with football star Dan Mandarino and asked Dan to become the official spokesperson for Lansbury Cocaine. His payment would be $850 thousand, either in installments or as a lump sum. Dan replied, “I take things in lumps.”

Mayor Shula Goldamayer paid a visit to nightclub owner Poppi to discuss his liquor license. Shula demanded $3000 dollars to renew his license, so that she could pay for her next two face tucks, or else “I will close you down like a thing that gets closed down.” Poppi offered her $2000 and sexual favors instead, but Shula declined the offer.

Simpson and Snatch were out on patrol, arguing about Detective Furman’s reprimand, when they accidentally ran over a pedestrian. Continuing on their way, they decided to go to the pool. Realizing that they’d forgotten their Sun-In, they turned back and ran over the guy again.

Detective Furman went to see Angelo Lansbury, explaining that he was going around town and meeting all his constituents. Angelo offered him a welcoming gift of four bags of cocaine. Furman was shocked. He explained that he was just a simple cop from Milwaukee, and this was just too much for him to handle. He returned three bags and kept one. Furman agreed to overlook Angelo’s business dealings, as long as he didn’t cause any trouble or gun down pregnant women in public.

Dan Mandarino was having a drink at Poppi’s nightclub Coconutz, contemplating Angelo’s job offer. Poppi made some suggestive remarks to Dan, then went to talk to the DJ. Left alone, Dan began hearing the voices of all his football coaches offering him advice. When Poppi came back, Dan explained his dilemma. Poppi suddenly planted a big kiss on Dan.

Dixie Greenflag went to City Hall to see her estranged mother, Mayor Shula Goldamayer. Shula apologized for abandoning her family, but explained that Dixie’s father just wasn’t wealthy enough for her. Dixie explained that she was thinking of leaving the porn industry for love, but was conflicted. Shula gave Dixie one of her press-on nails, telling Dixie to look at the nail and think of her mother when the time came to make the decision.

Buster Banks visited Angelo Lansbury, who complimented Buster on the success of “To Fist a Mockingbird.” Buster explained his situation with Dixie, and Angelo warned Buster that Dixie was the star who brought in the profits. If Dixie quits, Angelo would stop distributing Buster’s films. Buster warned Angelo that there were a lot of porn fans with guns out there, and if necessary Buster could organize them into an army against Angelo’s thugs.

Dan Mandarino was waiting on the pier for his blind date…who turned out to be Officer Snatch. Dan told Snatch that she was prettier than any cheerleader he’d ever seen: “Your face is beautiful, and your hair’s like gold…but darker.”

Poppi paid a visit to Detective Furman’s office, explaining that Mayor Goldamayer was on the take and was shaking Poppi down. Furman urged Poppi to stay legal, then complimented Poppi on his wig. (“You flaming gay guys really know how to have fun!”) Poppi let Detective Furman try on the wig, and Furman was thrilled by the experience.

Shula Goldamayer was driving to a ribbon-cutting ceremony, with Officer Simpson as her bodyguard. Shula asked Simpson if she looked fat, explaining that a couple of people had made remarks about Shula’s weight. Simpson pulled out her gun and offered to shoot those people, and Shula gave her the names: Angelo Lansbury & Poppi. Before Simpson set out on this mission, she loaned her gun to Shula for her own protection. Shula mentioned how glad she was that she’d passed a law where each police officer’s name was inscribed on all their own bullets.

Angelo Lansbury and Dixie Greenflag met at Coconutz. He warned her that she couldn’t quit the business, since she still had a year and a half left on her three-year contract (which she didn’t remember signing, since she was high on cocaine). Dixie declared that Angelo couldn’t intimidate her, so he showed her his gun. (“That IS slightly intimidating.”) Angelo told her that Buster would find somebody else…the only love that stays is Angelo’s love of money. He pulled his gun on her.

Buster visited Mayor Goldamayer’s office, explaining that he’d been putting money aside for his masterpiece, but had instead used that money to buy a ring for Dixie. Shula advised him to get a refund, since she would provide her own ring. She handed Buster the “ring,” which bore a strange resemblance to Simpson’s gun. When Buster pointed out this resemblance, Shula was offended that he had insulted her “traditional Jewish wedding ring.”

Dan Mandarino brought Snatch back to his apartment, where he confessed that, before their date, he’d met another someone special. Suddenly, Poppi walked into the room. Dan asked Snatch to help keep his secret. She started to ask what was in it for her, but was too drunk to complete the thought.

Angelo Lansbury was holding Dixie at gunpoint when Buster entered. Dixie rushed to Buster’s side, taunting Angelo: “You’re not gonna take a potshot at your cash cow! Moo!” Seemingly accepting their decision, Angelo called in Shula Goldamayer, and asked her to perform the traditional Jewish wedding ceremony. As Shula recited the vows and Angelo leveled his gun, Dixie sensed that something was about to go wrong. She told Buster to remember that she loves him, no matter what happened next. When Buster slipped the gun/ring on Dixie’s finger, she suddenly turned and shot Angelo, then fled.


Friday, January 16, 2009

Season 6, Episode 22: To All Things an Ending

Episode 22: To All Things an Ending

King Plough and Duke Nort were preparing for the upcoming battle with the forces of evil. Nort was afraid that he would freeze up when the battle began, but Plough offered him a tip to ease his combat anxiety: Imagine the enemy naked. He also urged Nort to bite his tongue and taste his own blood in order to draw on his hidden powers as a berserker. Plough explained that he had looked in the Annals of Nort (“It’s a book, don’t worry”) and learned that Nort had an ancestor who was a legendary berserker.

In modern-day Smyrna, Chambliss Tucker was buying a Propel bottled water and a Slushee at the 7-11, when a rip in the space-time continuum opened up and sucked her in.

Magic Jones was putting the finishing touches on his new headquarters, the Evil Fortress of Lost Souls. Baron Üterrüs entered, disappointed that Jones wasn’t satisfied with their old evil headquarters atop Skank Mountain. Üterrüs was also concerned about Jones’ plans to divide up the conquered world, as Jones had laid claim to some of the areas Üterrüs wanted. The Baron pondered the irony: He had always wanted Jones to join him in his evil, but now he could not trust him. Magic Jones persuaded Üterrüs to trust him by singing a ragtime tune.

Francis of the Rock People and Eileve were in the forest, discussing the impending conflict. Suddenly, Chambliss Tucker fell through a rip in the space-time continuum and landed at their feet. Francis and Eileve were amazed to see Chambliss back from the dead. She explained that when she died in this realm, she simply reappeared at her home in Smyrna.

FRANCIS: “This ‘Smyrna’…is it Heaven?”
CHAMBLISS: “It’s as close to heaven as you can get in the state of Georgia!”

King Plough and Baron Üterrüs met on neutral ground. Üterrüs explained that, although they were on opposite sides, he still had great respect for Plough. He offered Plough a chance to avoid the battle by fleeing to another kingdom and continuing his rule elsewhere. Plough angrily protested that he knew his limitations, and that he was incapable of ruling any land other than Ye Little Points of Five.

PLOUGH: “This fucking piss-ant kingdom, with its hippies and its graffiti, is MY fucking piss-ant kingdom!”

Francis paid a visit to Nort, seeking advice on parenting. Francis explained that his son, the reborn Magic Jones, was the embodiment of all evil, and Francis was concerned that he had failed as a parent. Nort replied that he had a lot of experience in this field: in his travels, he had fathered 62 children, and he loved every one of them (even if he couldn’t remember all their names). Nort explained what being a father was all about:

NORT: “It’s not about being there…it’s about being there AFTER the fact, so you can tell them what they did wrong.”

Eileve was gathering firewood when Magic Jones materialized beside him. Eileve asked his son why he had gone down the path of evil…but then he admitted that he respected Jones for choosing his own path and not simply following in his shadow.

EILEVE: “Whatever happens, know that I love you.”
JONES: “And whatever happens to you, know that I warned you.”

Baron Üterrüs was stocking the shelves at Linens Und Thïngs when Chambliss Tucker entered. The Baron was shocked to see her alive again, and told her how much he had missed her. (“The fact that I killed you does not diminish how sad I was!”) He explained that she was the one good thing in his life, the one thing that might make him turn away from evil. Chambliss replied that she couldn’t be with him because she needed a man who was already good. Üterrüs warned her that, by rejecting him, she had doomed the entire world.

King Plough, Francis, Eileve and Nort were girding their loins for battle. (“Most of the time, evil goes for the loins.”) Plough provided Eileve with a pie-plate to protect his loin area, but he didn’t have one for Nort. Eileve offered to shield Nort’s area with his hand. In preparation for the battle, King Plough removed his crown. (“I only take this crown off for two reasons…making love and kicking ass. And I’m ready to kick some ass.”)

Watching the heroes through their crystal ball, Magic Jones and Baron Üterrüs mocked their pie-plate loin-guards. Üterrüs declared that he would eat those pie-plates…in a cannibalistic sense, nothing gay. The Baron then showed Jones a surprise…he unlocked a chamber and revealed Chambliss Tucker chained to the wall. Üterrüs explained that he had harnessed Chambliss to his secret weapon, the Destroyanator. Suddenly, Chambliss announced that she needed to pee. Üterrüs obligingly released her and let her find her own way to the bathroom.

King Plough and Francis were standing guard outside the castle. Francis informed Plough that he was armed with the most powerful weapon ever devised by the Rock People. (“A weapon so powerful, it can kill…things that are slightly less powerful.”)

Eileve and Nort were attacked by a giant purple worm. Nort froze, but then remembered King Plough’s advice and bit his tongue. Driven into a berserker frenzy by the taste of blood, Nort rushed into the fray and lay a savage beatdown on the worm. Nort and the worm disappeared from view. When all was quiet, Eileve was dismayed by Nort’s failure to return.

Chambliss had locked herself in a tower to escape Üterrüs’ clutches. Üterrüs pounded on the door and demanded that she come out. Chambliss offered to marry him if he’d call off the war. Üterrüs accepted her offer.

Francis of the Rock People saw Magic Jones approaching, riding on the back of an orc. As the father and son faced off, Jones’ orc attacked, but Francis quickly stabbed it and returned to his discussion with Jones. Jones acknowledged that he had been a bad son. Suddenly, the orc attacked again, and Francis clobbered it yet again. Jones and Francis drew their weapons for a final duel; Jones removed the crystal ball from his staff, and Francis pulled out a rock (“the most powerful weapon my people have”).

King Plough was in the midst of battle when Eileve rushed up and informed him that Nort had been slain fighting the giant worm. Eileve cried over his failure to protect Nort, but Plough assured him that he was not to blame. Plough presented Eileve with a golden dagger (“a sword to match your stature”) to fight the enemy. Suddenly, an orc attacked, and Eileve killed it.

Chambliss Tucker and Baron Üterrüs were going over the terms of their prenatal (or prenuptial) agreement. Üterrüs offered to make his proposal official by giving her a ring…four rings, in fact. To be more specific, four shackles to chain her to the wall. Üterrüs explained that he had been attracted to her due to her resemblance to his lost love Ilsabetta, but he could no longer put up with Chambliss’ irritating manner. Chambliss taunted the Baron by mocking his obsession with Ilsabetta. These insults so enraged Üterrüs that he prepared to activate the Destroyanator.

As Francis hurled his rock, Magic Jones’ orc rose up once again and got right in its path. The rock went through the orc’s skull and struck Magic Jones in the head. However, the orc’s interference had slowed the rock down so that it only gave Jones a shiner. Suddenly, Eileve rushed in and stabbed Jones, but in the course of the struggle, the blade went through Jones and into Eileve’s own body. Francis knelt down beside Eileve and pleaded with him to live. Amazingly, Eileve stood up, explaining that he had cast a spell of protection on himself beforehand, so he was all right. Francis and Eileve declared their love for each other.

King Plough was rushing towards the Evil Fortress of Lost Souls when the bloodied, battered Duke Nort suddenly staggered onto the battlefield. Nort explained that the worm had swallowed him, but he managed to survive, and slew the worm after he came out the other end. Plough and Nort entered the Fortress. As they cautiously made their way through, Baron Üterrüs lurked in the background, finally revealing himself by firing a poison arrow at Nort’s ass. King Plough prepared to suck out the poison.

Eileve and Francis prepared a funeral pyre for Magic Jones, and lamented their failure to raise their son well. They resolved to raise their next child properly…and promised to try conceiving as often as possible.

Baron Üterrüs and Chambliss Tucker (still chained in the Destroyanator) were getting some marital counseling from the ghost of Magic Jones. Jones suggested that they should go on vacation together and get away from it all. The Baron offered Chambliss one last chance to save her own life by coming with him. When she rejected him once more, he pulled the lever to activate the Destroyanator. Suddenly, King Plough and Duke Nort burst in. Plough reversed the lever, but Üterrüs laughed that the machine could only be stopped by destroying its creator. Plough saw Chambliss chained to the device…and nothing makes him angry like seeing a damsel in distress. As Eileve and Francis rushed in, Plough and Üterrüs began a mighty swordfight, which ended with Plough knocking the Dual Sword of Destiny from Üterrüs’ grasp. Nort seized the sword and lunged at the Baron, but accidentally stabbed King Plough instead. As Üterrüs gloated over Plough’s mortal wound, Nort raised the sword once more and slashed Üterrüs’ throat. As he collapsed, Üterrüs thanked Nort for freeing him from his endless unliving existence, but warned him that “evil never dies.” Chambliss proved him wrong by stabbing him in the ass. With Baron Üterrüs finally vanquished, everybody turned their attention to the dying King Plough. As Eileve knelt beside Plough, the King told his grandson that he must now inherit Plough’s throne, crown, and most importantly, his mustache. After peeling off his mustache and passing it to Eileve, Plough declared “I can see the unicorns coming for me!” With that, the King died.

CHAMBLISS: “The room just got so cold!”
KING EILEVE: “I’ve got a good feeling things are going to get warmer.”


Thursday, January 15, 2009

Season 6, Episode 21: The St. Valentine's Day Massacre

Episode 21: The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre

Francis of the Rock People was in his cave, admiring the new mechanical hand that Aquilius had fitted to his arm. The peasant Nort entered carrying the legendary magical book, the Negronomicon. Nort believe that the book held the solution to the problem of what to do with Eileve’s baby. They realized that they should both be by Eileve’s side at this crucial time, and rushed off.

Baron Üterrüs was admiring himself in the Magic Mirror. He told the Mirror that he no longer needed it to foresee the future…he KNEW that he was destined to conquer Ye Little Points of Five. However, he did have one question (which he asked in a song): What could he conquer next? The Mirror answered in an ’80s power ballad.

Aquilius, the scantily-clad King of the Sea, was admiring his physique when King Plough rushed in, demanding hot water to help deliver Eileve’s baby. Before he complied, Aquilius had a surprise for him…he had completed the mechanical arm King Plough had requested. Aquilius boasted that he had to go to the land of the Fleugelflegehibben and slay three enchanted beasts to gather the materials for it. Suddenly, he noticed that King Plough’s own arm had been reattached, so all his work had been for nothing. Plough apologized for not telling him about his arm’s restoration, and thanked Aquilius for his hard, if unnecessary, work. Plough remembered that he had come to get help for Eileve. Aquilius grabbed his magical hammer to assist with the delivery.

Alone and in labor, Eileve gave a heartfelt monologue in which he remembered his own birth, just 8 weeks ago. He realized that he couldn’t sacrifice his child to defeat Baron Üterrüs, because the principles of family and love were more important than the fate of the kingdom. Francis and Nort rushed in, followed shortly by King Plough and Aquilius. Nort read a spell to ease the delivery, while Aquilius prepared to force the baby out with his hammer. The lights went down as Aquilius struck his blow, and when the lights came back up, the child had emerged…a fully-grown Magic Jones, reborn!

Baron Üterrüs was plotting atop Skank Mountain, boasting that the only man who could have defeated him, Magic Jones, was now dead. Suddenly, Magic Jones materialized at his side. Jones informed Üterrüs that he had been reborn from a man…a loophole in the prophecy that no man born of woman could defeat the Baron. Jones surprised the Baron by asking to join him in his conquest. Together, they could remake the world into BaronÜterrüsLand.

Aquilius and the Magic Mirror set out to apologize to the Fluegelflegehibben. The Mirror sensed that Aquilius had more on his mind, and Aquilius explained that his he was grieving for his daughter Guinevere, who had been murdered by Baron Üterrüs. Aquilius announced that he was fed up with all the elaborate plots involving magic books and pregnant men, and that somebody should just go ahead and kill Üterrüs. Aquilius broke down in tears, and the Mirror comforted him.

King Plough was admiring the weapons in his armory. He wondered why, when he had such an assortment of arms, he carried such a short sword. (“Am I trying to under-compensate for something?”) Nort came in, begging for change. Plough told Nort that such panhandling was beneath him, and that he had the potential for greatness inside him. To help Nort better himself, the King made him a Duke.

Eileve and Francis were trying to adjust to life as new parents. Eileve was concerned about Magic Jones’ rushing off immediately after his rebirth, not to mention the fact that he now dressed all in black. Eileve worried that their son was rebelling already. Magic Jones arrived, and Eileve suddenly noticed that the crystal ball in Jones’ staff still contained a vision of the conquered BaronÜterrüsLand. Jones realized that his secret was out, and that he would now have to kill his parents to protect it. As Jones grasped Eileve’s neck, Francis punched Jones in the face.

Baron Üterrüs was tending his store when Aquilius arrived. He declared that he was going to destroy the Dual Sword of Destiny with the same hammer with which it was forged…the Sacred Hammer of Ghalegaar. Üterrüs and Aquilius engaged in a fierce slow-motion battle, which ended when Üterrüs smashed Aquilius’ back over his knee. The mortally injured Aquilius uttered one last enchantment to send his hammer to King Plough’s hands, before Üterrüs killed him with his “soul kiss.”

Magic Jones visited the Magic Mirror, which had been his friend ever since Jones’ first childhood, when all the other young wizards shunned Jones for his bad complexion. The Mirror remembered his own prior existence, when a witch cursed him and transformed him into a mirror. Jones assured the Mirror that he could return to his old self simply by shedding his frame. Puzzled, the Mirror lowered his frame, revealing a man in a hooded sweatshirt behind it. Jones explained that he had restored the Mirror’s humanity as one last favor before he killed him. The Mirror pleaded for his life, and Jones took pity and offered him a chance to run away. The Mirror ran away.

Duke Nort was singing about his good fortune when Eileve walked by. Nort lamented that he didn’t know what to do now that he was no longer a bum. Eileve assured Nort that he was never a bum; he always had strength & goodness inside, but was held back by his own lack of confidence. Eileve realized that he himself was also being held back by his obsession with living up to his late father Kalgon…he had even been wearing Kalgon’s hair as a wig. Eileve shed Kalgon’s wig and vest. As Eileve disrobed, Nort started sticking shekels down his shorts.

Francis was alone in his cave when the former Magic Mirror rushed in. The Mirror explained that Jones had gone over to the dark side and joined Baron Üterrüs. Although he was no longer a mirror, the Mirror still had his gifts of foresight, and planned to use them against the Baron. Francis assured the Mirror that he would fight by his side.

At Linens Und Thïngs, Baron Üterrüs had just ripped off Aquilius’ head when King Plough burst in with the Hammer of Ghalegaar. Suddenly, Aquilius’ penis began speaking from underneath his loincloth. Aquilius’ penis told Plough that he had no chance by himself, but could only defeat Üterrüs by gathering the Army of Four. Disgusted by the spectacle, the Baron cut off Aquilius’ penis. In honor of its memory, Plough promised to rename the Army of Four the Army of Foreskin. As King Plough rushed out, Francis and the former Mirror ran in. Üterrüs informed the Mirror that he no longer needed it, since Magic Jones was now giving him all his advice and plans. The Mirror asked Üterrüs to think of his love, Chambliss Tucker. The Mirror explained that, although Chambliss may be gone, her goodness still existed in the world…but it wouldn’t if Magic Jones had his way. Üterrüs suddenly realized that Magic Jones was using him.