Thursday, June 25, 2009

Season 14, Episode 8: Trapeze Porn

Episode 8: Trapeze Porn

Returning from the circus managers’ conference, Reggie Bunkler found himself locked out of his office. Truck explained that he’d changed the locks now that it was HIS office, but let Reggie in as a visitor. Reggie asked what had happened while Truck was in charge, and Truck reported that two people had died and Viktor Busliftor had given himself a sex-change operation.

On an ice-cream date with Deb Henderson, Stoolts informed her that he had taken an on-line real estate course so he could support her even if they left the circus…and he’d also taken on-line self-defense classes to protect her from Truck. As they planned their future, Deb suggested that Stoolts also get an on-line GED, seeing as how he was only 15 and had spent his entire life in the circus. Stoolts took offense, thinking she was suggesting he wasn’t smart enough for her.

Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Knisions was crying over the death of his biological father (Jack Lightning Jr.) when Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm came in to console him. Gunther suggested that perhaps Jack wasn’t really dead, and might come back from the grave. Robbie was not comforted.

Viktor (or “Viktoria”) came to Sasha’s trailer for some beauty tips, explaining that he was now a woman. Sasha warned her that there was only room for one beautiful woman in this circus. Viktoria replied that she knew she could never compete with Sasha, but only wanted to feel better about herself. Sasha suggested that Viktoria start by shaving her mustache.

Stoolts confronted Truck, who threatened to knock Stoolts’ wooden stool-legs out from under him. In turn, Stoolts warned that he would rub his wooden legs together really fast and set Truck on fire. Unexpectedly, Truck apologized, explaining that he’d grown sick of violence. He wanted to make it up to Stoolts…perhaps by helping him pass the GED.

Reggie asked Robbie to help him get past Truck’s security system so he could reclaim his own office. Despite his dislike of Reggie, Robbie agreed out of respect for Reggie’s father. This prompted Reggie to reveal that he resented his father because the family circus robbed him of a normal childhood. After a bit more conversation, Robbie noticed the bulge under Reggie’s shirt. Reggie revealed that the baby that had been growing out of his chest had almost fully emerged. Reggie warned that the “baby” whispered to him in the night.

Meeting in the center ring, Deb asked Sasha for advice on her relationship with Stoolts, since she was worried about his drinking and their age difference—she’s 40 and he’s 15. (“If we weren’t in the circus, it’d be illegal.”) Sasha asked if they had actually had sex yet, and Deb replied that they hadn’t yet figured out the logistics of it. Sasha offered to let Deb use her trapeze system to fly onto Stoolts’ weiner.

Gunther ran into Viktoria, and complimented her on her new look. Gunther revealed that, now that Viktoria was a woman, he could admit his attraction to her. Viktoria thanked Gunther for the compliment, but explained that she wasn’t a lesbian. (Viktor had always thought that the long-haired Gunther was a woman.) After clearing up Viktoria’s confusion, Gunther asked her out on a date.

Reggie and Robbie broke into Reggie’s office, where Reggie revealed his plan to somehow get rid of the baby-thing growing from him. Outraged, Robbie informed Reggie that he would care for the baby if Robbie wouldn’t. Then he started breast-feeding it, much to Reggie’s disgust. (“Oh God, I can taste it!”)

Truck was helping Stoolts prepare for the GED, but the questions he asked were deliberately designed to prey on Stoolts’ insecurities. (“If a train is going West at 70 miles per hour, how far away will a man’s girlfriend go to cheat on him because he’s too dumb for her?”) Stoolts started to confront Truck about his insinuations, but then went off on a tangent about The Cosby Show.

Sasha was instructing Deb on how to use the aerial system, telling her to dismount the trapeze and immediately mount Stoolts—which would require both precision timing and great control of her “kenkel” muscles. Sasha then informed Deb that they were going to make their consummation into the circus’ main attraction of the night.

Reggie went to Truck for help in getting rid of the baby-thing. As Truck examined Reggie’s conjoined symbiote, the baby-thing intoned that Truck would die a fiery death. Truck contemplated the financial potential of a baby that could foresee the future, then resumed his examination. Truck informed Reggie that the only tool that could detach the parasite was Truck’s trusty wrench. (“I’m gonna beat you in the face until that baby falls off.”)

Sasha informed Stoolts that she’d prepared a wonderful new act for him and Deb…but first, she’d need to cut a hole in his pants. She then explained the facts of life and “special hugging” to him.

Robbie gave Deb a pep talk to prepare her for the big moment, but grossed her out when he compared it to a ring-toss.

Gunther and Viktoria were out on the town, taking a walk through downtown Atlanta. As traffic passed around them, Viktoria contemplated how romantic it would be to die like Margaret Mitchell. Viktoria then confessed that, for all the wild sexual shenanigans that go on at the circus, she was still a virgin. As “Time After Time” swelled in the background, Viktoria explained that she wanted her first time to be special…but not so special that she’d mistake it for true love. Gunther agreed to take her behind a dumpster.

In Reggie’s office, Truck prepared to remove the baby-thing…by hitting Reggie in the crotch with the wrench.

The time of the big show had arrived, with Deb in the trapeze and Stoolts in the center ring, as the ringmaster announced “The Greatest Statutory Rape on Earth.” After some spectacular aerial maneuvers, Deb swung onto Stoolts and held onto him. Immediately afterwards, Stoolts realized that, during the act, he’d been so excited that he rubbed his wooden legs together too fast…he’d accidentally set fire to himself!


Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Season 14, Episode 7: Strange Magic

Episode 7: Strange Magic

Having been left in charge of the circus while Reggie Bunkler is away, roadie Truck Tarkenton was preparing to interview new acts when magician Artemus Jinx suddenly materialized out of nowhere. Artemus explained that his performance was no mere magic act…it was genuine magic. Artemus boasted that his staff had dabbed the tears of Satan.

Another prospective new act, daredevil Jack Lightning Jr., was inspecting the cannon for his human cannonball act. Just then, the circus’ current daredevil Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Knisions came by, furious that Jack was looking to replace him. Jack proposed a stunt-challenge to see who would stay and who would go. For his part, Jack planned to superglue himself to a rogue elephant and then be fired into a herd of female elephants.

Strongman Viktor Busliftor went out to throw out his trash when he discovered Billie the Goat Lady grazing nearby. Viktor introduced himself and invited her in for borscht. Billie explained that she had come to join the circus, since losing her job at Popeye’s.

Contortionist Etzel the Human Pretzel was limbering up when Truck came by. Etzel greeted Truck as an old friend, mussing his hair and teasing him about how lousy his circus is.

Robbie went to Artemus Jinx for magical assistance in winning the stunt challenge. Robbie knew that he couldn’t outdo Jack, so he asked Artemus to change the truth that Jack was the better stuntman. Artemus asked if Robbie was willing to deal with the forces of darkness; when Robbie agreed, Artemus stabbed Robbie’s hand with his staff to draw blood. Robbie was immediately infused with great power.

Billie the Goat Lady met Jack Lightning Jr., who was slightly freaked out by her appearance. Billie told Jack that she was his greatest fan, and had his posters hanging on her walls. Jack invited her to his bedroom to see the posters he had on his walls.

Viktor and Etzel were playing foosball and reflecting on the concept of masculinity. Viktor had noticed that the circus turns traditional roles on end, with the bearded ladies, goat-women, and manly men in feminine costumes. Viktor had come to realize that he felt like a woman trapped in a superhuman male body, and he broke into a song about his gender confusion.

Jack Lightning Jr. and Bilie the Goat Lady were relaxing in the afterglow in Jack’s trailer. She asked if he wanted to see her udders.

In his lair, Artemus Jinx sensed that the axis of time had gone askew. He feared that by granting the power to Robbie, he may have unleashed forces that would doom the world.

In the center ring, Etzel the Human Pretzel presented the climax of his act by attempting to fit his entire body through an unstrung tennis racket. He failed miserably.

Jack Lightning Jr. came to Truck’s office regarding his new act. Truck revealed that, after Etzel’s horrible performance, he was rethinking the idea of hiring new talent. Desperate to be in the show, Jack offered a deal: If he dies during his act, Truck doesn’t have to revive him. He broke into a song pleading to prove himself the #1 stunt performer. Truck agreed, knowing that it would bring in a huge audience if Jack dies.

Robbie was preparing his new act, declaring in a deep demonic voice that his newest stunt will make the world run red with the blood of mortals. He noticed Billie the Goat Lady spying on him, and he told her how much he admired her cloven hooves. She explained that they came in handy for her tap-dancing act, which she then demonstrated. She went into the audience and turned the tap-dance into a lap-dance.

Viktor, now wearing a dress to reflect his inner woman, came to see Artemus Jinx. Artemus declared that he hadn’t seen Viktor since that time in Moscow, when he magically cured Viktor’s Chernobyl radiation poisoning by converting it into strength. Viktor thanked him for the “favor,” prompting Artemus to ask why he was using air-quotes. Viktor explained that used them for emphasis, and Artemus informed him that he’d been doing it wrong all those years. Getting back on track, Viktor asked another favor of Artemus: He wanted the sorcerer to make him a real woman. Artemus lamented that he had expended too much power when he helped Robbie, and could not grant Viktor’s wish. Taking matters into his own hands, Viktor castrated himself with Artemus’ staff.

Jack Lightning Jr. and Etzel were reminiscing about how Jack had taken in the orphaned Etzel as a child. Jack revealed that he had a confession: He may have been a father figure to Etzel, but he truly was the father of one of the other performers…namely, Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Knisions.

In his trailer, Robbie was sitting in the lotus position and chanting backwards. Truck came in to confront him about his devil-worshipping, and Robbie declared that he was not worshipping Satan, he IS Satan. Truck warned Robbie that he knew from reading Chick tracts what this path leads to…it may start off with heavy-metal music and D&D games, but the next thing you know, you’re snorting coke off of a hooker’s labia. Reverting to his normal voice, Robbie asked “Really?”

In his trailer, Viktor was admiring his new female self, as he talked to his testicles (preserved in a jar on the shelf next to a bonsai tree).

The possessed Robbie was preparing his act when Jack came in and confessed that he was Robbie’s biological father. Though he acknowledged that Robbie’s REAL father was the man who raised and loved him all those years, Jack confessed that he still felt great paternal pride in Robbie’s accomplishments. In fact, he had kept clippings and posters of Robbie’s career on his walls. In response, Robbie asked “You know what I’ve got on my wall? YOUR SOUL!” With that, he snapped Jack’s neck.

Truck came to confront Artemus about his unleashing the devil on the circus. Artemus explained that he could set things right again, but it would require a sacrifice.

TRUCK: “Don’t tell me it’s a goat-lady.”
ARTEMUS: “That’s pretty much where I was going.”

Etzel was complaining about life in general to Billie when Truck passed by, leaving a trail of tin cans. As Billie was compelled to follow the trail, Etzel kept on ranting without noticing her absence.

The trail led Billie back to Artemus’ lair, who apologized for what he was about to do. The possessed Robbie entered just as Artemus slit Billie’s throat. Artemus then took his staff and literally beat the devil out of Robbie. When he came back to his senses, the unpossessed Robbie saw Billie’s body and asked whether he had done that. Artemus replied “Yes, you did,” then shouted for the police.


Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Season 14, Episode 6: You Say It's Your Birthday

Episode 6: You Say It’s Your Birthday

Circus owner Reggie Bunkler, who now has a baby arm growing out of his chest, was teaching it how to write when Stoolts came back. As Reggie got up from his desk, we saw that he was also growing a leg out of his crotch. After recovering from this shocking sight, Stoolts explained that roadie Truck Tarkenton had attacked him. (“He knocked me down…and it takes me five minutes to fall down!”) Stoolts threatened to kill Truck; when Reggie protested, Stoolts countered “Well, he killed me first!”

Sasha was prettying herself up in front of her birthday mirror when Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm came in with a gift for her. After warning him that her accepting the gift did not mean they were in a relationship, she opened it to discover it was his tiger cub Schatzi. Gunther explained that, after Schatzi’s death, he had her stuffed by the finest German engineers, who put in a special microchip. Sasha cried that she couldn’t take Schatzi, fearing that she would destroy her all over again. She then did an interpretive dance which ended with her drop-kicking and then stomping on Schatzi.

Bearded lady Deb Henderson came to Truck’s workshop to confront him about his attack on Stoolts. He explained that he did it because he loved her…and the ultimate expression of love is killing a guy and taking his girl. Deb was disturbed by this talk of killing, but Truck reassured her that he would never kill her…unless she left him.

Since his mother had placed a curse on the circus, Viktor Busliftor had set up a laboratory and had managed to concoct a crystalline formula to absorb the curse like kitty litter. A drunken Stoolts wandered by and assumed Viktor had made a meth lab.

Sasha told Reggie that she had devised a special act for her birthday, which would end with the release of 100 white doves. Reggie protested that that was too expensive…at $483 per dove, that would be four grand. Sasha pointed out the error in his math. (“And you wonder why the circus is in trouble!”)

Gunther came to see Truck for advice on his relationship with Sasha. Gunther confessed that he was so smitten by Sasha, he had let his own act suffer so he wouldn’t outshine her. He used to have an act even more spectacular than hers…tigers on the high wire! Truck had no memory of this act, but then he was drunk most of the time. Truck advised Gunther to stop taking a backseat to her, and instead show her who’s the man.

Viktor was spreading the curse-bait around the perimeter of the circus when Sasha came by. Out of nowhere, Viktor confessed that he’d like to start experiencing all that life has to offer, starting with marijuana. She told him he could get some from Truck. Viktor then explained about his curse-bait, and warned her to stay away from it. She suggested he should put up a warning sign. (“No, then the curse will know it is there!”)

Deb came to see Reggie, terrified that somebody was going to be killed. Reggie told her that it was all her fault for leading on Truck. She lamented that she couldn’t break Stoolts’ heart, especially since it was his birthday as well (and nobody had noticed because Sasha was getting all the attention). Reggie suggested that she could bake Stoolts a special cake, and warn him about Truck’s threat by writing a secret message in the icing.

Sasha was practicing in the center ring when Stoolts came by, furious that her birthday was outshining his. He was so upset, he yanked off his red nose and threw it at her.

Truck was building a bomb in his workshop when Viktor came by to score some weed. Truck offered him some of his finest Siamese Kush, grown by Siamese twins. Truck explained that smoking this would let him see the future with one eye and the past with the other. When Viktor remarked that that seemed like a pretty heavy trip for his first time, Truck told him that he needs to see the future and the past in order to live in the now. Viktor bought the dope.

Gunther found the despondent Stoolts lamenting the loss of his nose. Gunther assuring the clown that no matter what else Stoolts may have lost, he had at least one true friend in him. (“I’d take a bullet for you.” “For me or from me?”)

Deb came to Sasha’s trailer to wish her a happy birthday and possibly bury the hatchet. Sasha accepted Deb’s peace offering, and in return, she let Deb look into her special Bolivian birthday mirror, which makes everything look more beautiful.

Reggie informed Truck that he would be leaving town for a circus managers’ conference, and he would be leaving Truck in charge during his absence. Truck declared that he had some changes in mind. Seeing the gleam in Truck’s eyes, Reggie demanded that he turn in his wrench so that he couldn’t do too much damage. Truck protested that he’d inherited that wrench from his grandfather, who went down on the Titanic. Reggie pointed out that the Titanic’s sinking only proved that a wrench can’t fix everything.

Viktor was getting high in the park when a passing stoner asked for a hit. The stoner then saw his childhood and his future offspring simultaneously, freaked out, and left. Gunther came by and took a puff, but he was okay with it. Gunther attempted warn Viktor that Stoolts might hurt somebody, but he was so stoned that he had to say his punctuation out loud as he spoke. Then they started playing hackey-sack with Stoolts’ red nose.

Truck brought Sasha a flatiron for her eyelashes, and wished her a happy birthday. Sasha replied by saying “Happy birthday” in turn, then went into a stand-up routine about saying the same thing back to people even when it’s an inappropriate response.

Stoolts was wandering around when Reggie came by to wish him a happy birthday. The drunken Stoolts mistook Reggie for Truck and hit him with his helmet. Stoolts complained about always getting the shitty end of the birthday cake—that last piece from the corner with the too-sugary rose. Ironically, Reggie had brought that very piece. Just then, Deb came in with a gift for Stoolts—his nose. As she put it back on his face, Stoolts realized it was true love. He proposed by placing his beer bottle on her finger.


Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Season 14, Episode 5: Arms and the Man

Episode 5: Arms and the Man

Daredevil Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Knisions and Sealman Rushdie were recuperating from their respective injuries in the circus’ infirmary. Having been clubbed by Irina Busliftor, Sealman needed a skull transplant—or, failing that, he could take Robbie’s helmet. Robbie explained that, after his numerous head injuries, his helmet was the only thing holding his brain inside his head…just as his spandex jumpsuit was the only thing holding his body together (having donated all his skin for grafts for all the kids he’d burned in his last stunt). Robbie lamented that he could never be naked again.

Circus owner Reggie Bunkler was in his office when Robbie came in and punched him for not visiting him in the infirmary. After Robbie left, Mrs. Busliftor entered and took all the money from the Swear Jar. She informed him that she had come to take her son Viktor back to Russia, explaining that her homeland needed a strong man to take charge, so she was going to reinstate him as the new Czar. She then revealed that she was prepared to buy Viktor’s freedom with sex, placing her leg on Reggie’s desk Mrs. Robinson-style. Reggie was repulsed yet transfixed by her attempt to seduce him.

Truck Tarkenton was apologizing to Stoolts for having dinner with Stoolts’ girlfriend Deb Henderson, explaining that it was a blind date and that he didn’t know he was being fixed up with Deb. Stoolts warned that he would kill Truck if Truck saw Deb again.

Deb and Viktor were having tea together. Viktor rhapsodized on the superiority of Asian tea to European tea, explaining that Oolong was “honest tea.” Deb replied that she admired honesty.

Reggie ran to the infirmary, panicked by his encounter with Mrs. Busliftor. He started to tell Sealman about it, but found he could only express his dismay by breaking into a song titled “I Feel So Dirty.”

Viktor looked in his refrigerator for some water and was shocked to discover a bottle of vodka and a box of condoms. He confronted his mother about her drinking and whoring, and she explained that she had done it for the sake of his freedom. He retorted that he didn’t want to go back to Russia—if she wants to take him back, she would have to drag him there until he dies. He continued by explaining that he didn’t want to rule Russia; he was content with the small pleasure that came from an audience’s applause. She proposed that they compromise by taking over America instead.

Deb was giving Robbie a shoulder rub (as therapy for his injury, nothing else) and asking advice on her relationship with Stoolts. Robbie, true to his ‘Bad Decisions’ nickname, recommended that she keep moving from one relationship to the next before they get stale. Just then, Stoolts came in to break the news about Reggie’s encounter with Mrs. Busliftor. Seeing Deb with her hands on Robbie’s shoulders, he called her a “bearded hooker.”

Truck came to Reggie’s office and found Reggie in a state of shock. When Reggie explained how Mrs. Busliftor had seduced him, Truck was awestruck. He explained that he’d heard rumors about Mrs. Busliftor’s amazing sexual powers—her vagina was a healer. Truck reported that the one-armed Def Leppard drummer used to have no arms at all before he slept with her. When Reggie protested that he didn’t feel healed, Truck reassured him that in the morning, Reggie would wake up as a brand new man, “Reggie 2.0.”

The next morning, Reggie woke up to discover a baby arm growing out of his chest. He screamed in anguish.

Viktor came to see Sealman to discuss what to do about Viktor’s mother. They realized that they needed to get rid of her, but couldn’t figure out how to do it. Sealman suggested that they could arrange an “accident” by using the most accident-prone person in the circus: Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Knisions.

Fed up with Stoolts’ jealousy, Deb ran to Truck for help. Truck informed her that Stoolts had threatened his life, and that he might have to kill Stoolts first for their own protection. Deb was outwardly dismayed, but secretly attracted by Truck’s dangerous bad-boy persona. (“Your mouth says no, but your breasts say yes.”)

Irina Busliftor encountered Stoolts and was impressed by his stature. Since her son was unwilling to take up the mantle of Czar, she asked Stoolts to come to Russia and take power with her. Confused, Stoolts started asking many questions about how the Russian election process worked, until Irina cut him off by saying that he was thinking too much. Stoolts took that as a compliment.

Robbie was practicing his newest stunt, riding his bike while lifting a barbell. Viktor and Sealman came to see him and were surprised to see Robbie stealing Viktor’s act. Robbie boasted that he could do the work of everybody in the circus: He has Viktor’s strength, Sealman’s musical talent, and Deb’s facial hair. And he toured with the Scorpions, just like Truck.

Reggie came to Deb’s trailer, hoping that Truck could help him with his new third arm. As Reggie and Deb talked, she opened up about her relationship problems. Reggie advised her to ignore Robbie’s advice and follow her heart. In turn, she suggested that Reggie follow his baby arm. The baby arm gripped Reggie’s finger, and he was suddenly filled with parental pride.

In preparation for his new position as Czar, Stoolts was practicing Russian jokes. Caught up in his monologue, he failed to notice Truck sneaking up behind him with a wrench. Truck swung the wrench, and Stoolts went down like a giant redwood.

Irina Busliftor was sitting in the empty center ring, singing Russian songs and basking in the imaginary applause. Sealman and Robbie sneaked in to eliminate her, but upon seeing her, Robbie was instantly smitten. Robbie took her in his arms and blew on her pinwheel (no, that’s not a metaphor). Just then, Viktor entered, shocked by the sight. Irina broke away from Robbie’s embrace, fed up with all the craziness. She placed a Russian curse on the entire circus: “May your child’s arms grow out of your chests, and may death befall you all!” With that, she vanished in a puff of smoke, to Robbie’s dismay and Viktor’s relief.