Episode 11: Call It
Little Sammy Swanson’ father, Steven Swanson, arrived at the hospital, explaining that he’d just returned from his Disneyland vacation (courtesy of the Make-a-Wish Foundation) and had come to pick up his son’s remains and the insurance check. Rosie Jay informed him that not only was Sammy still alive, but that she had adopted him. Steven was puzzled as to how she could have done that, but he didn’t let his confusion or her obvious contempt stop him from coming on to her.
Nurse Barney Kabob was up on the roof, casing the bank across the street. When Head Nurse Yummy Wampler came up to do some cleaning, Barney confessed that he felt out of place in the hospital and was feeling the lure of his old criminal lifestyle. Yummy asked why he’d been in prison in the first place.
BARNEY: “You ever get filled with rage? Rage that makes you wrap your fingers around the living neck of another human being until it stops? You ever do that five times?”
Uncomfortable with the way Barney was looking at her, Yummy informed him that she’d lost her erogenous zones in a Girl Scout accident years before. She managed to talk Barney down and get him to face the cause of his problems: a lack of love from his mother. Barney broke down crying and asked Yummy to be his mom.
Dr. Corky Howser was examining Sammy Swanson, amazed that Sammy had managed to hold on for so long. Sammy informed him that he had accepted his impending death…but now that he’d reached puberty, he wanted to die a man and not a boy. Corky, being 15 and afflicted with Down’s Syndrome, didn’t know what he meant by that. Corky asked Sammy to explain the birds and the bees.
SAMMY: “Well, from what I learned from Cinemax, the boy comes over to repair the cable or some other major appliance…”
Attorney Wince Medler and hospital CEO Stern Boyer were playing a game of high-stakes poker, with Stern deep in the hole. As a piece of friendly advice, Wince explained Stern’s problem: He thinks out loud when he looks at his cards. As they continued the game, Wince informed Stern that he was representing 19 patients who suing the hospital after developing Legionnaire’s Disease. They set the stakes for the next hand: If Stern wins, Wince drops the lawsuit. If Wince wins, Stern steps down and appoints Wince the new CEO of the hospital. Naturally, Wince won the hand and the hospital…then, just when it looked like things couldn’t get any worse for Stern, he started showing the first symptoms of Legionnaire’s Disease.
Rosie Jay and Barney Kabob met in a restaurant to discuss their upcoming wedding, but the conversation turned ugly when Barney accused her of inappropriate behavior with Sammy. She retorted that he was only projecting his own fears and anger onto her, but this psychological talk went completely over his head. Rosie angrily broke off the engagement.
Steven Swanson was drinking at the hospital bar, the Rusty Scalpel, where Stern Boyer was serving the drinks. Steven informed Stern that he was planning to sue the hospital for keeping his son alive and denying Steven his insurance check. Just then, Sammy Swanson entered.
STEVEN: “What are you doing alive?”
SAMMY: “I could ask you the same question…but it wouldn’t make any sense.”
Sammy warned his father that he had prepared a letter for the Make-a-Wish Foundation, informing them of Steven’s fraud. He went on to explain that the insurance money would go to his new mother, Rosie Jay. Steven replied that he would challenge the adoption, since both he and Sammy’s morbidly obese mother were still alive.
In the supply room, Yummy Wampler was practicing her stand-up comedy routine, using an IV stand as an imaginary microphone. Little Sammy entered, and after a brief conversation, Sammy asked Yummy to take his virginity and make a man of him.
SAMMY: “You’re more of a woman than I’ve ever seen before.”
YUMMY: “Oh, you poor kid.”
Yummy warned Sammy that she had no erogenous zones, but with his lack of experience, she figured it wouldn’t make any difference.
Dr. Corky Howser was in his office, contemplating his domain as the hospital’s new Chief Surgeon. Just then, Wince Medler entered and informed Corky that he’d won control of the hospital from Stern Boyer. He announced that, as the new CEO, he was going to fire Corky…then, as an attorney, he would represent Corky and file a discrimination suit against the hospital.
Rosie Jay was out driving the ambulance when Stern Boyer jumped in front of it. After Rosie pulled him inside, Stern lamented that he’d lost the hospital in a poker game, and that he was dying of Legionnaire’s Disease. Rosie told him that Legionnaire’s Disease was easily treatable, but his gambling addiction was the problem he REALLY needed help with. Inspired by her street smarts and confident attitude, Stern put her in charge of the hospital (even though he no longer had the authority to do so).
Barney Kabob was in the chapel, asking God why He’d forsaken him. Just then, Steven Swanson entered and asked Barney to help him collect his insurance by getting rid of Sammy. Barney pointed out that the insurance policy only worked if Sammy died a natural death, but Steven countered that “natural things happen,” especially in such a crappy hospital. Feeling abandoned by God and tempted by Steven’s evil, Barney ripped off his shirt to reveal the devil-face gang tattoo on his chest. Steven realized that he and Barney were both fellow members of The Diablos.
Enjoying a post-coital snack of Teddy Grahams, Sammy noticed that Yummy had become quiet and withdrawn. She explained that she felt guilty and dirty, and informed him that it would never work out…he was terminally ill, and she’d probably go to prison where she’d become some other woman’s bitch. Her only consolation was that, since Sammy would die soon, nobody would ever know about their illegal encounter. Sammy informed her that he’d captured their moments of passion on his on-line journal and webcam.
Corky lamented the loss of his job to Barney (who was standing with his back towards Corky). When Barney turned around, Corky saw the devil tattoo on his chest and was stricken with fear. Realizing that Barney had gone over to the side of evil, Corky warned that he would stop Barney’s nefarious plans. They began wrestling.
Wince Medler was settling into his new office when Steven Swanson arrived and informed him he was suing the hospital. Gloating, Steven rubbed his crotch, and a loud “boo” filled the room. Steven explained the noise by revealing that he’d had his testicles replaced with See-and-Say toy parts 14 years ago. Wince pointed out that, since Sammy Swanson is only 13, that means Sammy couldn’t possibly be Steven’s son, which means he has no claim. Steven cursed that his plans had been foiled by his poor math skills. Just then, Corky ran through, screaming that a murderer was loose in the hospital. Barney burst in immediately afterwards and quickly knocked Corky unconscious. In the confusion, Steven picked up Corky’s toy hammer and lightly tapped Wince on the head, killing him instantly. Yes, you read that right…toy hammer, light tap, killed.
In the operating room, Barney had Corky tied facedown on a gurney and was preparing to give him an enema of Legionnaire’s Disease. However, before that could happen, Yummy burst in, carrying the dying (this time for sure) Sammy Swanson. She untied Corky and put Sammy onto the gurney so they could save him, but Sammy flatlined moments later. Corky managed to bring him back with mouth-to-mouth, just as Rosie Jay and Stern Boyer entered. Barney tried to sneak out of the room in the confusion, but was blocked when Steven Swanson arrived. Steven informed Barney that he’d receive his payment as soon as Sammy flatlined permanently. Yummy declared her love for Sammy and told everybody about their encounter, since it was already on the Internet anyway. Steven informed Sammy that, even though he was still just waiting to profit from his death, he was proud that his son had become a man. Suddenly, everybody realized what Sammy’s “manhood” meant.
BARNEY: “Wait a minute! You hired me to kill the kid. If he’s a man, the deal’s off.”
ROSIE: “And if he’s a man, you don’t get the money!”
YUMMY: “If he’s a man, I didn’t do anything illegal…three times.”
STERN: “If he’s a man…I’m still dying!”
Sammy presented his will: He left all his love to Rosie, and Yummy three times on Sunday. His genitals would go to Steven Swanson, to replace his toy testicles. The insurance money would go to Little Five Points Hospital so that it could become a REAL hospital.
ROSIE: “Oh, Sammy. You’ve changed everyone’s life.”
STERN: “Except mine. I don’t want to keep harping on it, but I’m still dying.”
With that, Stern Boyer died.
Atoning for his evil ways, Steven told Sammy the truth: He wasn’t Sammy’s real father. He found Sammy on the street as an infant, and brought him up as his own. Sammy grew up imitating Steven’s lisp, which meant that Sammy’s manner of speech was just conditioning and not the terminal speech impediment Steve Scarborough Syndrome. What’s more, Steven’s own lisp was just an act…he revealed his true accent and identity as Pablo Espanol, leader of the Diablo gang. Stunned by this revelation, Sammy pointed out that he still had a brain tumor, so he’d probably better just go ahead and die anyway. Steven and Barney decided to set out for a new life together in prison, leaving Sammy with a photo of his morbidly obese mother. (“Let this sight guide you into Heaven.”) The sight of the photo finally finished Sammy once and for all.
Left alone, Corky, Rosie and Yummy decided to go to the Little Varsity Jr. and raise a Frosted Orange in Sammy’s memory. As they walked out, Corky asked Rosie and Yummy what everybody meant by all this talk about Sammy becoming a man. Yummy offered to show him.
THE END
Showing posts with label wince medler. Show all posts
Showing posts with label wince medler. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
Season 10, Episode 9: Circus of Horrors
Episode 9: Circus of Horrors
Rosie Jay (still masquerading as the late Vanessa Goodhead) and Barney Kabob were in the ambulance, driving to pick out engagement rings and discussing their future together. Rosie envisioned raising three kids, and Barney suggested that they get a dog instead. Eventually, they settled on a compromise: one large dog or two small ones for each child they have. Suddenly, an emergency call came over the radio announcing that a circus train had derailed.
The young patient Sammy Swanson, having suffered a relapse of his terminal speech impediment, was sitting in his hospital room when baseball legend Two-Shoes Blair entered. Two-Shoes explained that he’d come to the hospital to brighten up Sammy’s dying days. He presented Sammy with a dog (whom Sammy named Scrapples) and a jock-cup, then explained that Sammy could summon him at any time by rubbing the cup.
Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud and Dr. Corky Howser were playing pool in the hospital’s bar, The Rusty Scalpel. Sturgis apologized for overworking Corky, explaining that he was just trying motivate Corky into the best retarded doctor he could be. He offered to be Corky’s father figure, then gave him some papers to sign (or at least mark) making it official. Suddenly, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler rushed in with news of the circus train crash.
Father Bob, who had let his newly-discovered healing powers go to his head and had taken to wearing a white robe, was admitting an injured elephant at the triage station. Attorney Wince Medler entered and offered to get the elephant a huge pain-and-suffering settlement. Father Bob explained that there would be no pain and suffering to repay after he uses his magic dick to heal all the injured people and animals. Medler countered that suing, not healing, is what brings in the money.
While treating an injured monkey, Corky explained to Rosie/“Vanessa” that he’d come to realize that he truly loved Rosie, and since she was dead now, she’d never know how he really felt. “Vanessa” assured him that Rosie was hearing every word he said. Corky said that, as a man of science (or at least a retarded teen of science), he couldn’t believe that. He lamented that he would never know love again.
While operating on an injured clown, Barney Kabob confided to Yummy Wampler that he was nervous about his upcoming wedding. Yummy warned him that wedding jitters could have disastrous consequences…and could even lead to death. Barney frantically asked her what she meant by that, but she couldn’t bring herself to tell him.
Sammy Swanson and Two-Shoes Blair ran into Wince Medler, who warned Sammy not to put his faith in “Steroid” Blair. As Two-Shoes professed his innocence, Sturgis came by and handed him his steroid prescription. Disillusioned, Sammy ran off in tears. When Two-Shoes threatened Wince for exposing him, Wince explained that he could offer him a new undetectable steroid that could land him a slot on the National Nationals.
Up on the roof, Sammy was contemplating his lost innocence when Sturgis St. Cloud walked up. Sturgis explained that, since his attempt to save Sammy’s life had failed, he would now help Sammy pack as much living as possible into his last days. In other words: PARTY!!!!
A panicked Yummy ran through the halls, shouting that the circus’ lions and stilt-walkers had escaped. Rosie grabbed a stun-gun from the supply closet and prepared to patrol the hospital. Corky entered, and the startled Rosie immediately stunned him.
Barney Kabob and Father Bob had barricaded themselves in the Little Varsity Jr., trying to hold the lions at bay. Father Bob announced that he would go out and face the lions like the Christians of old, with faith that his holy powers would protect him. Immediately after he left, horrible screams filled the air, and Bob’s robe and collar came flying through the door.
In the pediatric wing, Wince Medler and Two-Shoes Blair comforted the children by singing a song about the subjects they knew best: drugs and hookers.
Sturgis took Sammy on a double-date with a couple of girls they had rescued from the animals. Sturgis tried to hit his date up for some gratitude sex, but they were more interested in watching “The Iron Giant” with Sammy.
As Yummy treated his stun-gun injury, Corky informed her that Sturgis had drawn up some adoption papers for him earlier…and since the leadership of the hospital had been passed down through the St. Cloud family for generations, that meant that he could now wrest control from Sturgis. Yummy was thrilled by this news, until Corky informed her that he’d have her working harder and longer shifts than ever before, since she’d been part of the system that exploited his Down’s Syndrome and only paid him in apple slices and Tortino’s pizza rolls.
Rosie and Barney were patrolling the hospital, stunning animals left and right. Barney told her that the danger had made him realize how much he wanted her in his life, and erased the doubts he was having about marriage.
After a montage of partying, Sammy thanked Sturgis for showing him such a good time in his last days. Sturgis comforted Sammy by comparing death to the ending of “The Iron Giant,” explaining that his soul would explode into a million pieces then draw itself back together.
Afterwards, Sturgis told Corky how good he felt about finally doing something good for a patient. Corky complimented him on developing a bedside manner, than handed him his pink slip. Sturgis agreed to clean out his desk, but warned Corky that he’d regret this.
With Corky gone mad with power, Yummy consulted Wince Medler to see if he could break the contract. Medler agreed to help her if she’d serve as his maid for two weeks.
Sammy was searching for his dog Scrapples when a giant circus crocodile suddenly appeared and ate Scrapples. Terrified, Sammy rubbed the magic jock-cup, and Two-Shoes Blair rushed in to the rescue, killing the crocodile by jamming a baseball down its throat after an intense battle. Sammy thanked Two-Shoes for restoring his faith in him, and Two-Shoes promised to hit two home runs in his next game…one for Sammy, and one for Scrapples.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Rosie Jay (still masquerading as the late Vanessa Goodhead) and Barney Kabob were in the ambulance, driving to pick out engagement rings and discussing their future together. Rosie envisioned raising three kids, and Barney suggested that they get a dog instead. Eventually, they settled on a compromise: one large dog or two small ones for each child they have. Suddenly, an emergency call came over the radio announcing that a circus train had derailed.
The young patient Sammy Swanson, having suffered a relapse of his terminal speech impediment, was sitting in his hospital room when baseball legend Two-Shoes Blair entered. Two-Shoes explained that he’d come to the hospital to brighten up Sammy’s dying days. He presented Sammy with a dog (whom Sammy named Scrapples) and a jock-cup, then explained that Sammy could summon him at any time by rubbing the cup.
Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud and Dr. Corky Howser were playing pool in the hospital’s bar, The Rusty Scalpel. Sturgis apologized for overworking Corky, explaining that he was just trying motivate Corky into the best retarded doctor he could be. He offered to be Corky’s father figure, then gave him some papers to sign (or at least mark) making it official. Suddenly, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler rushed in with news of the circus train crash.
Father Bob, who had let his newly-discovered healing powers go to his head and had taken to wearing a white robe, was admitting an injured elephant at the triage station. Attorney Wince Medler entered and offered to get the elephant a huge pain-and-suffering settlement. Father Bob explained that there would be no pain and suffering to repay after he uses his magic dick to heal all the injured people and animals. Medler countered that suing, not healing, is what brings in the money.
While treating an injured monkey, Corky explained to Rosie/“Vanessa” that he’d come to realize that he truly loved Rosie, and since she was dead now, she’d never know how he really felt. “Vanessa” assured him that Rosie was hearing every word he said. Corky said that, as a man of science (or at least a retarded teen of science), he couldn’t believe that. He lamented that he would never know love again.
While operating on an injured clown, Barney Kabob confided to Yummy Wampler that he was nervous about his upcoming wedding. Yummy warned him that wedding jitters could have disastrous consequences…and could even lead to death. Barney frantically asked her what she meant by that, but she couldn’t bring herself to tell him.
Sammy Swanson and Two-Shoes Blair ran into Wince Medler, who warned Sammy not to put his faith in “Steroid” Blair. As Two-Shoes professed his innocence, Sturgis came by and handed him his steroid prescription. Disillusioned, Sammy ran off in tears. When Two-Shoes threatened Wince for exposing him, Wince explained that he could offer him a new undetectable steroid that could land him a slot on the National Nationals.
Up on the roof, Sammy was contemplating his lost innocence when Sturgis St. Cloud walked up. Sturgis explained that, since his attempt to save Sammy’s life had failed, he would now help Sammy pack as much living as possible into his last days. In other words: PARTY!!!!
A panicked Yummy ran through the halls, shouting that the circus’ lions and stilt-walkers had escaped. Rosie grabbed a stun-gun from the supply closet and prepared to patrol the hospital. Corky entered, and the startled Rosie immediately stunned him.
Barney Kabob and Father Bob had barricaded themselves in the Little Varsity Jr., trying to hold the lions at bay. Father Bob announced that he would go out and face the lions like the Christians of old, with faith that his holy powers would protect him. Immediately after he left, horrible screams filled the air, and Bob’s robe and collar came flying through the door.
In the pediatric wing, Wince Medler and Two-Shoes Blair comforted the children by singing a song about the subjects they knew best: drugs and hookers.
Sturgis took Sammy on a double-date with a couple of girls they had rescued from the animals. Sturgis tried to hit his date up for some gratitude sex, but they were more interested in watching “The Iron Giant” with Sammy.
As Yummy treated his stun-gun injury, Corky informed her that Sturgis had drawn up some adoption papers for him earlier…and since the leadership of the hospital had been passed down through the St. Cloud family for generations, that meant that he could now wrest control from Sturgis. Yummy was thrilled by this news, until Corky informed her that he’d have her working harder and longer shifts than ever before, since she’d been part of the system that exploited his Down’s Syndrome and only paid him in apple slices and Tortino’s pizza rolls.
Rosie and Barney were patrolling the hospital, stunning animals left and right. Barney told her that the danger had made him realize how much he wanted her in his life, and erased the doubts he was having about marriage.
After a montage of partying, Sammy thanked Sturgis for showing him such a good time in his last days. Sturgis comforted Sammy by comparing death to the ending of “The Iron Giant,” explaining that his soul would explode into a million pieces then draw itself back together.
Afterwards, Sturgis told Corky how good he felt about finally doing something good for a patient. Corky complimented him on developing a bedside manner, than handed him his pink slip. Sturgis agreed to clean out his desk, but warned Corky that he’d regret this.
With Corky gone mad with power, Yummy consulted Wince Medler to see if he could break the contract. Medler agreed to help her if she’d serve as his maid for two weeks.
Sammy was searching for his dog Scrapples when a giant circus crocodile suddenly appeared and ate Scrapples. Terrified, Sammy rubbed the magic jock-cup, and Two-Shoes Blair rushed in to the rescue, killing the crocodile by jamming a baseball down its throat after an intense battle. Sammy thanked Two-Shoes for restoring his faith in him, and Two-Shoes promised to hit two home runs in his next game…one for Sammy, and one for Scrapples.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Season 10, Episode 7: The Uncomfortably Topical Episode
Episode 7: The Uncomfortably Topical Episode
Paramedic Rosie Jay lay in a coma, while Dr. Corky Howser and Nurse Vanessa Goodhead discussed her condition. Corky blamed Vanessa for this turn of events, arguing that it was Rosie’s argument with Vanessa that led her to huffing glue. Corky accused Vanessa of being as selfish and uncaring as Gargamel. After pointing out that Gargamel did have feelings for his cat, Vanessa pleaded with Corky to find a cure for comas.
In jail for assaulting hospital CEO Stern Boyer, Nurse Barney Kabob met his court-appointed lawyer, Wince Medler. Medler promised to get Barney off, in exchange for some information. After some vague, non-specific hints, Barney figured out that Medler wanted Barney to funnel all the hospital’s Medicare and Medicaid funds into a secret offshore account. Barney agreed, and arranged to make the exchange in a dark alley by the dumpster behind the hospital.
Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud held a press conference regarding Rosie’s condition, informing the press that he planned to prevent such glue-sniffing tragedies by asking Congress to outlaw all adhesives.
Head Nurse Yummy Wampler and Father Bob Houdini were attending to Rosie and discussing her chances. Father Bob observed that, if she died on Good Friday, it would be sort of like having a birthday on Christmas, only the opposite. As Yummy forced some Cheetos through Rosie’s feeding tube, Rosie gradually came to.
Visiting Barney in his cell, Vanessa tried to explain that she now had a relationship with Stern Boyer, but eventually she gave into her emotions and kissed him passionately. Barney asked her to prove her love by killing Rosie Jay.
Sturgis was preparing for another press conference when Father Bob came in with the wonderful news of Rosie’s recovery. Sturgis angrily complained that Rosie’s coma was bringing much-needed attention and funds to the hospital, and that he’d wanted her to stay under for as long as he could exploit it. Father Bob suggested that they could maintain the publicity by putting her back into a coma and then “miraculously” bringing her out on Easter Sunday. Sturgis thought it would be an even better miracle if they actually killed her and brought her back.
During a Cheetos Therapy session with Yummy, the now-conscious Rosie Jay declared that she had no memory of her past or identity. Taking advantage of Rosie’s amnesia, Yummy introduced herself as the CEO of the hospital…and Rosie’s mother. She assured Rosie that, once she was up and around again, she’d be back to her usual routine of helping Yummy out at the hospital and covering shifts for her. She pulled Rosie up out of her wheelchair and began teaching her how to walk again, just like when she was a baby.
Released from jail, Barney met Wince Medler in the dark alley behind the hospital and presented him with the Medicare/Medicaid information. In exchange, Barney asked Wince to not only expunge his criminal record, but to erase ALL his records and give him an entirely new identity (only keeping the same name)…as a doctor.
Corky was about to his new coma cure on a different patient when Sturgis St. Cloud entered. Corky explained that his new formula, made from stem cells, nanotechnology, and apple juice, was sure to bring Rosie out of her coma. Sturgis asked to see Corky’s formula, then secretly switched syringes. The patient immediately flatlined when Corky gave him the injection.
Sturgis St. Cloud was waving out his window to the paparazzi when Wince Medler entered. Sturgis held a grudge against Wince due to his poor handling of Sturgis’ last divorce case, but agreed to listen to Wince’s latest proposal. Wince wanted a percentage of the hospital, in exchange for which he would build up its property value and then sell it for a huge profit, just like he did for Park Properties.
Vanessa Goodhead warned Rosie that Sturgis was planning to kill her. To save Rosie, Vanessa was willing to sacrifice herself by switching uniforms and making herself the target.
In the dark alley, Wince Medler informed Barney that he had expunged Barney’s criminal record and made him a doctor specializing in osteoporosis. Barney menacingly informed Wince that he no longer had any need of his services. However, Wince warned him that he’d anticipated a double-cross, so he had kept a record of Barney’s record. If anything happens to Wince, it gets released to the media.
Father Bob and Yummy Wampler had just forced their way through the paparazzi with a critically wounded patient for Corky, when Rosie entered, wearing Vanessa’s nurse uniform and imitating Vanessa’s seductive style. Inspired by her combination of dedication and sluttiness, Corky told “Vanessa” that he’d always loved her and not Rosie. Father Bob and Yummy joined in the insulting of Rosie, until “Vanessa” could no longer contain her outrage. She asked how Yummy could say such things about her own daughter. Confused, Bob and Corky pointed out that Yummy didn’t have any children.
Vanessa, dressed in Rosie’s EMT uniform, was waiting in the hospital room when Sturgis entered ominously. Sturgis noticed that “Rosie” was somehow sexier than before, but couldn’t quite put his finger on it. Sturgis asked Rosie if she’d ever seen “The Serpent and the Rainbow,” then pulled out a syringe of Haitian zombie-making fluid. When “Rosie” pointed out that she could never love him if he made her a zombie, Sturgis declared that he was just kinky enough to put that to the test.
At the triage station, “Vanessa” asked Yummy why she’d lied about being Rosie’s mother. Yummy explained that she was just so overworked, she thought she could get Rosie to cover some shifts out of family loyalty. “Vanessa” pointed out that if she needed some time off, all she had to do was take it. Just as Yummy agreed to go out to a movie and relax, she suddenly had a heart attack.
Barney came into the lounge, searching for answers to his problem. Corky suggested that Barney look to “The Smurfs” for inspiration, just as Retard Smurf told Hefty Smurf how he could get back at Lawyer Smurf. When Barney thanked Corky for helping him, Corky professed ignorance. Barney observed that Corky knew a lot more than he let on, and used his Down’s Syndrome to cover up his shrewdness. Realizing that Barney was onto him, Corky called in Wince Medler and accused Barney of sexual assault.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Paramedic Rosie Jay lay in a coma, while Dr. Corky Howser and Nurse Vanessa Goodhead discussed her condition. Corky blamed Vanessa for this turn of events, arguing that it was Rosie’s argument with Vanessa that led her to huffing glue. Corky accused Vanessa of being as selfish and uncaring as Gargamel. After pointing out that Gargamel did have feelings for his cat, Vanessa pleaded with Corky to find a cure for comas.
In jail for assaulting hospital CEO Stern Boyer, Nurse Barney Kabob met his court-appointed lawyer, Wince Medler. Medler promised to get Barney off, in exchange for some information. After some vague, non-specific hints, Barney figured out that Medler wanted Barney to funnel all the hospital’s Medicare and Medicaid funds into a secret offshore account. Barney agreed, and arranged to make the exchange in a dark alley by the dumpster behind the hospital.
Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud held a press conference regarding Rosie’s condition, informing the press that he planned to prevent such glue-sniffing tragedies by asking Congress to outlaw all adhesives.
Head Nurse Yummy Wampler and Father Bob Houdini were attending to Rosie and discussing her chances. Father Bob observed that, if she died on Good Friday, it would be sort of like having a birthday on Christmas, only the opposite. As Yummy forced some Cheetos through Rosie’s feeding tube, Rosie gradually came to.
Visiting Barney in his cell, Vanessa tried to explain that she now had a relationship with Stern Boyer, but eventually she gave into her emotions and kissed him passionately. Barney asked her to prove her love by killing Rosie Jay.
Sturgis was preparing for another press conference when Father Bob came in with the wonderful news of Rosie’s recovery. Sturgis angrily complained that Rosie’s coma was bringing much-needed attention and funds to the hospital, and that he’d wanted her to stay under for as long as he could exploit it. Father Bob suggested that they could maintain the publicity by putting her back into a coma and then “miraculously” bringing her out on Easter Sunday. Sturgis thought it would be an even better miracle if they actually killed her and brought her back.
During a Cheetos Therapy session with Yummy, the now-conscious Rosie Jay declared that she had no memory of her past or identity. Taking advantage of Rosie’s amnesia, Yummy introduced herself as the CEO of the hospital…and Rosie’s mother. She assured Rosie that, once she was up and around again, she’d be back to her usual routine of helping Yummy out at the hospital and covering shifts for her. She pulled Rosie up out of her wheelchair and began teaching her how to walk again, just like when she was a baby.
Released from jail, Barney met Wince Medler in the dark alley behind the hospital and presented him with the Medicare/Medicaid information. In exchange, Barney asked Wince to not only expunge his criminal record, but to erase ALL his records and give him an entirely new identity (only keeping the same name)…as a doctor.
Corky was about to his new coma cure on a different patient when Sturgis St. Cloud entered. Corky explained that his new formula, made from stem cells, nanotechnology, and apple juice, was sure to bring Rosie out of her coma. Sturgis asked to see Corky’s formula, then secretly switched syringes. The patient immediately flatlined when Corky gave him the injection.
Sturgis St. Cloud was waving out his window to the paparazzi when Wince Medler entered. Sturgis held a grudge against Wince due to his poor handling of Sturgis’ last divorce case, but agreed to listen to Wince’s latest proposal. Wince wanted a percentage of the hospital, in exchange for which he would build up its property value and then sell it for a huge profit, just like he did for Park Properties.
Vanessa Goodhead warned Rosie that Sturgis was planning to kill her. To save Rosie, Vanessa was willing to sacrifice herself by switching uniforms and making herself the target.
In the dark alley, Wince Medler informed Barney that he had expunged Barney’s criminal record and made him a doctor specializing in osteoporosis. Barney menacingly informed Wince that he no longer had any need of his services. However, Wince warned him that he’d anticipated a double-cross, so he had kept a record of Barney’s record. If anything happens to Wince, it gets released to the media.
Father Bob and Yummy Wampler had just forced their way through the paparazzi with a critically wounded patient for Corky, when Rosie entered, wearing Vanessa’s nurse uniform and imitating Vanessa’s seductive style. Inspired by her combination of dedication and sluttiness, Corky told “Vanessa” that he’d always loved her and not Rosie. Father Bob and Yummy joined in the insulting of Rosie, until “Vanessa” could no longer contain her outrage. She asked how Yummy could say such things about her own daughter. Confused, Bob and Corky pointed out that Yummy didn’t have any children.
Vanessa, dressed in Rosie’s EMT uniform, was waiting in the hospital room when Sturgis entered ominously. Sturgis noticed that “Rosie” was somehow sexier than before, but couldn’t quite put his finger on it. Sturgis asked Rosie if she’d ever seen “The Serpent and the Rainbow,” then pulled out a syringe of Haitian zombie-making fluid. When “Rosie” pointed out that she could never love him if he made her a zombie, Sturgis declared that he was just kinky enough to put that to the test.
At the triage station, “Vanessa” asked Yummy why she’d lied about being Rosie’s mother. Yummy explained that she was just so overworked, she thought she could get Rosie to cover some shifts out of family loyalty. “Vanessa” pointed out that if she needed some time off, all she had to do was take it. Just as Yummy agreed to go out to a movie and relax, she suddenly had a heart attack.
Barney came into the lounge, searching for answers to his problem. Corky suggested that Barney look to “The Smurfs” for inspiration, just as Retard Smurf told Hefty Smurf how he could get back at Lawyer Smurf. When Barney thanked Corky for helping him, Corky professed ignorance. Barney observed that Corky knew a lot more than he let on, and used his Down’s Syndrome to cover up his shrewdness. Realizing that Barney was onto him, Corky called in Wince Medler and accused Barney of sexual assault.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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