Episode 23 – The Final Chapter
After doing a rockin’ musical number to celebrate their new careers as social workers, Commander Blanket smashed his guitar. Blanket noticed that Shika’s face was now patterned instead of solid blue, and Shika explained that it was a chameleon-like change cause by his great sadness at leaving the Keeton-2 behind. Blanket revealed some unfortunate news…a telegram from Spaceforce informed them that, due to budget cuts, they had abandoned their plans to pick up the crew and bring the station down to earth. Instead, they’re just going to let the Keeton-2 and the entire expendable crew burn up on re-entry.
Altair-3 (the right arm of the giant composite Altair robot) was giving Edwina attitude over her transformation from android to human. She defended herself by pointing out that, while Altair-3 was only a part of a whole, she was now complete in a way Altair-3 would never understand.
As Armageddon Uno did a final check on the butter-churn rocket, Scoopella entered. She explained who she was, and told him that she loved him.
In the station’s centrally located park, Elder Amos Fisher prayed for God’s blessing on the butter-churn rocket. Suddenly, Amos clutched at his chest and collapsed. Jacob entered and saw his fallen adoptive father.
AMOS: “Jacob…I think it’s my ticker…my pumper…my lub-a-dub-dubber…”
Amos told Jacob that he wouldn’t be able to help him anymore…and that Jacob was now the leader of the Amish people. As a symbol of leadership, Amos handed his red suspenders over to Jacob. As the end neared, Amos cried out:
AMOS: “Jacob! I see the Kingdom!”
JACOB: “What’s it like?”
AMOS: “It’s like…Tuberon!”
And with that, Elder Amos Fisher died.
Cody Gage and Dwayne McLifegiver (formerly known as…oh, come on, you know who he is by now) were packing up to start their new life. Dwayne told her that his vast wealth would enable them to go anywhere they wanted, but Cody insisted that she had to actually accomplish something with her life…and she could do that by opening a storage facility for the special-needs people on Tuberon. Dwayne proposed that they not stop there, but open a whole chain of storage facilities. As Dwayne planned their life together, Cody tearfully confessed that she couldn’t burden Dwayne with her terrible medical condition…irritable bowel syndrome. Dwayne tenderly revealed that he shared her affliction.
Altair-4 searched for the other robots. Just as he left, Altair-5 entered. Altair-5 left, and Altair-2 arrived.
ALTAIR-2: “This is like a bad Keystone Kops scene!”
Armageddon and Scoopella took a shower with their clothes on. Scoopella told Armageddon that she’d loved him ever since he took her to Detroit.
ARMAGEDDON: “Wait a minute! Last time I saw you, you were 12. Now, I’m no Paula Poundstone…”
They considered combining her powers and his know-how to start an unprecedented crime wave. Scoopella revealed that, while she was being tested in Dwayne’s Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense, she found a box containing a billion dollars, which they could use to finance their spree. Tempting as the offer was, Armageddon confessed that his mission to pilot the Amish to Tuberon had taught him an important lesson…it feels good to do good.
Jacob Fisher eulogized his adoptive father, with Dr. Shika in attendance for the impromptu funeral. After the ceremony, Shika gave Jacob even more bad news, telling him about Spaceforce leaving everyone to die. Shika pleaded with Jacob to take them along in the butter-churn rocket. After some quick calculations, they learned that the butter-churn rocket could hold all of Earth’s Amish population, all of Earth’s retarded people, and the entire Keeton-2 crew…except for one person.
Altair-3 got a message from the other Altair robots informing him that they were all outside the station, ready to fulfill their purpose. Altair-3 went out, and we witnessed the awesome spectacle of the five Altairs forming one giant robot (courtesy of the station’s monitor projection screen).
Edwina took a reluctant Scoopella to see her father Jacob. Jacob was ill at ease at being reunited with the destroyer of Detroit, but Edwina urged him to forgive their daughter. Edwina explained Scoopella’s origin, then pointed out her own transformation.
EDWINA: “I’m all human now! I’m still British…I hope we can get past that.”
Jacob confessed his own secret, that he was actually an alien rocketed to Earth as an infant. He opened his shirt to reveal the “A” logo (for Amish-Man) on his super-hero costume underneath. They realized that they were all misfits, and could draw strength from belonging together. Jacob apologized for trying too hard to mold Scoopella into the Amish way of life, and Scoopella apologized for slaughtering Detroit.
Commander Blanket presented Cody Gage with an honorable discharge, then gave her a bag full of his most prized badges and buttons. As Cody reeled from the honor, Dwayne McLifegiver stormed in, enraged over the theft of a billion dollars and 37 cents, which he had packed in a box marked “Tomatoes.” Commander Blanket smoothed things over by offering them the millions he won betting of the Detroit Tigers back in a long-forgotten plot point from Episode 11.
Armageddon Uno stood between his two ships, torn between the freedom and adventure of the Chicken Hawk and the duty and heroism of the butter-churn rocket. Armageddon also felt guilty about taking the billion dollars from Dwayne McLifegiver, the man who truly cares for Armageddon’s sister Cody. Just then, Cody entered, and Armageddon thanked her for fixing his ship…and fixing his heart. Suddenly, a furious Dwayne entered with a gun. Luckily, before things could escalate, the assembled giant Altair robot (now known as “Valtair”) spoke up from outside the station to stop the violence. Calmed down, Dwayne apologized for losing his temper. He told Armageddon that, since Commander Blanket had generously given them his millions, he was going to follow suit and give Armageddon HIS billions.
Suddenly, Commander Blanket arrived, hustling everybody aboard the butter-churn rocket. Just as everyone else boarded, Blanket shut the door behind them. Since one person had to stay behind, Commander James Tranquility Blanket was prepared to sacrifice himself and go down with the ship. (Plus, the Chicken Hawk’s auto-pilot took off to rendezvous with Armageddon later, so scratch that mode of escape.) Moved by Blanket’s heroism, Jacob called out through the portal:
JACOB: “I’ll carve a statue of you on Tuberon!”
BLANKET: “Make me skinnier!”
As everyone bid farewell, Valtair suddenly spoke up, offering to rescue Blanket from the doomed station.
VALTAIR: “Come with us! What do you say?”
BLANKET: “I say…take me down to the Paradise City, where the grass is green and the girls are pretty…”
Everyone began singing along with Commander Blanket as the two vessels separated. As the Keeton-2 went down in flames, the butter-churn rocket arrived at Tuberon. Our heroes’ old home was gone…but a new one lay ahead of them.
THE END
Showing posts with label amos fisher. Show all posts
Showing posts with label amos fisher. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Season 4, Episode 22: Go Altair Force!
Episode 22: Go Altair Force!
Dwayne McLifegiver (formerly known as Dwayne Tomagachi and Angus McMurder) and Cody Gage were packing up the equipment from the Dwayne’s Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense. Coming across his Torture Droid, the now-reformed Dwayne urged Cody to destroy it along with all his other evil devices. After pondering how much money she might get for pawning it, Cody put the Droid away and said she’d destroy it later. They practiced for their new jobs at the storage facility with a bit of role-playing. When Cody, playing a customer, approached Dwayne about storing some toxic materials, Dwayne suggested some evil ideas but quickly stopped himself. Cody decided to handle the customer service herself. As Cody calculated how much they’d make in their new jobs, Dwayne mentioned that he was a billionaire.
Altair-9000 told Armageddon Uno about his past, explaining that his creator, Dr. Bob Frapples, created five Altair robots capable of forming one giant robot.
ALTAIR: “Then we realized there’s no earthly use for a giant robot, so we split up.”
Jacob Fisher’s adoptive father, Amos Fisher, explained more about Jacob’s true origins. Amos found Jacob as an infant in a butter-churn launched from space…proof that there is Amish intelligence elsewhere in the universe. Amos told Jacob that he was the hope of the Amish people.
Commander Blanket reflected on his last week in command of the station. Dr. Shika arrived, and Blanket revealed what he wanted to do with his life. Commander Blanket’s great ambition was to become a social worker and help special children. And, in keeping with the spirit of the Golden Age of Social Work, Blanket adopted a new ’70s outfit. Blanket invited Shika to help him out in his new career, and Shika promised to stop by whenever he’s not spending time with his family on Guano-9.
Edwina was cleaning up in the commissary when her daughter Scoopella entered, fully grown, fashionably dressed, and bearing a strange resemblance to the late Scoop Quasar. Scoopella explained that, after her rampage destroyed Detroit, a nice woman named Catherine Shamrock found her and took her to the Queen Pretty Reform School for Girls, where they turned her into a real lady. Scoopella asked who her father really was, and Edwina decided to take her to Dr. Shika for a DNA test.
Altair-9000 received a radio message from the rapidly approaching Altair-3, who would form the left leg of the giant Altair robot.
On their way to Dr. Shika, Edwina and Scoopella ran into Dwayne Tomagachi. Edwina introduced them.
EDWINA: “This is Scoopella.”
DWAYNE: “No, that’s definitely Scoop Quasar in a ridiculous wig!”
Edwina managed to convince Dwayne that it was indeed Scoopella. Dwayne started to suggest that Scoopella take over the world, but stopped himself. Scoopella suggested that perhaps the Queen Pretty Reform School could help him change his evil ways. Dwayne proposed that they run the necessary tests on Scoopella in his Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense, since Dr. Shika would probably just foul the tests up.
Cody Gage ran into Dr. Shika, sporting his new ’70s outfit. When Shika explained that he was going to help Commander Blanket help special-needs children, Cody began feeling that her own plans for the storage facility were insignificant. She and Dr. Shika came up with a way that she could make a difference, too—opening a storage facility for retarded people!
Altair-3 approached the station, eager to finally fulfill his purpose.
Commander Blanket visited Amos Fisher in the barn. Amos initially shunned Blanket’s new “hippie” getup, but they smoothed that over. Amos had realized a flaw in Jacob’s plan…the butter-churn rocket would carry all the Amish people, but couldn’t hold their belongings. The Amish, especially the special-needs Amish, need a place to store their stuff. When Blanket learned that 75% of the Amish are retarded, he suggested that they expand their plan to create a homeworld for ALL of Earth’s retarded people as well.
As Jacob Fisher and Armageddon Uno did a last-minute check on the butter-churn rocket, Jacob revealed that the entire barn section of the station was part of his ship, and would detach from the rest of the Keeton-2. Armageddon was amazed that a simple Amish farmer could accomplish all this, and Jacob explained about his extraterrestrial origins. Speculating as to whether Jacob had any powers besides his advanced knowledge, Armageddon recalled how hard Jacob had hit him a couple of weeks ago. Testing Jacob’s strength, they discovered that Jacob could lift a cow with one hand.
Altair-4 arose from the wreckage of Detroit and flew towards the station.
After testing Scoopella’s DNA, Dwayne discovered that Scoopella was 1/3 Jacob, 1/3 Edwina, and 1/3 Scoop…a perfect hybrid of human, android, and Amish alien. As they wondered what this could mean, Dwayne sent Edwina through a shining portal to fetch some Frusen Gladje. When Edwina returned, Dwayne slapped her. Edwina felt the pain…then realized she was now fully human. Amazed and grateful, Edwina wondered how Dwayne had done it, since she hadn’t been able to contact her creator Gary Petto. Dwayne revealed that he WAS Gary Petto. A flashback revealed that Dwayne/Petto’s daughter had been hit by a car while he was too busy building Edwina, and that he had engineered the entire chain of events to create Scoopella as a replacement for his dead child. Upset by Dwayne’s manipulations, Edwina got into a shouting match with him.
EDWINA: “You may be able to scream louder, but I can scream shriller!”
They stopped when they realized that their fighting was traumatizing Scoopella. Dwayne explained that now that Edwina was human, Jacob could finally embrace her without going against his Amish beliefs. Suddenly, Altair-2 arrived. Recognizing Scoopella as the destroyer of Detroit, Altair-2 backed out of the room.
Cody Gage & Dr. Shika told Commander Blanket & Jacob Fisher about their plans for the pro bono retarded storage facility. Blanket then told Jacob about his own plan to bring all Earth’s retarded people along with the Amish to planet Tuberon. Taken aback, Jacob revealed that he had only planned on taking the healthiest of the Amish, leaving inbreeding behind. Shocked by Jacob’s uncharacteristic insensitivity, Blanket reminded him of the lessons of helping others instead of judging them.
TO BE CONCLUDED…
Dwayne McLifegiver (formerly known as Dwayne Tomagachi and Angus McMurder) and Cody Gage were packing up the equipment from the Dwayne’s Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense. Coming across his Torture Droid, the now-reformed Dwayne urged Cody to destroy it along with all his other evil devices. After pondering how much money she might get for pawning it, Cody put the Droid away and said she’d destroy it later. They practiced for their new jobs at the storage facility with a bit of role-playing. When Cody, playing a customer, approached Dwayne about storing some toxic materials, Dwayne suggested some evil ideas but quickly stopped himself. Cody decided to handle the customer service herself. As Cody calculated how much they’d make in their new jobs, Dwayne mentioned that he was a billionaire.
Altair-9000 told Armageddon Uno about his past, explaining that his creator, Dr. Bob Frapples, created five Altair robots capable of forming one giant robot.
ALTAIR: “Then we realized there’s no earthly use for a giant robot, so we split up.”
Jacob Fisher’s adoptive father, Amos Fisher, explained more about Jacob’s true origins. Amos found Jacob as an infant in a butter-churn launched from space…proof that there is Amish intelligence elsewhere in the universe. Amos told Jacob that he was the hope of the Amish people.
Commander Blanket reflected on his last week in command of the station. Dr. Shika arrived, and Blanket revealed what he wanted to do with his life. Commander Blanket’s great ambition was to become a social worker and help special children. And, in keeping with the spirit of the Golden Age of Social Work, Blanket adopted a new ’70s outfit. Blanket invited Shika to help him out in his new career, and Shika promised to stop by whenever he’s not spending time with his family on Guano-9.
Edwina was cleaning up in the commissary when her daughter Scoopella entered, fully grown, fashionably dressed, and bearing a strange resemblance to the late Scoop Quasar. Scoopella explained that, after her rampage destroyed Detroit, a nice woman named Catherine Shamrock found her and took her to the Queen Pretty Reform School for Girls, where they turned her into a real lady. Scoopella asked who her father really was, and Edwina decided to take her to Dr. Shika for a DNA test.
Altair-9000 received a radio message from the rapidly approaching Altair-3, who would form the left leg of the giant Altair robot.
On their way to Dr. Shika, Edwina and Scoopella ran into Dwayne Tomagachi. Edwina introduced them.
EDWINA: “This is Scoopella.”
DWAYNE: “No, that’s definitely Scoop Quasar in a ridiculous wig!”
Edwina managed to convince Dwayne that it was indeed Scoopella. Dwayne started to suggest that Scoopella take over the world, but stopped himself. Scoopella suggested that perhaps the Queen Pretty Reform School could help him change his evil ways. Dwayne proposed that they run the necessary tests on Scoopella in his Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense, since Dr. Shika would probably just foul the tests up.
Cody Gage ran into Dr. Shika, sporting his new ’70s outfit. When Shika explained that he was going to help Commander Blanket help special-needs children, Cody began feeling that her own plans for the storage facility were insignificant. She and Dr. Shika came up with a way that she could make a difference, too—opening a storage facility for retarded people!
Altair-3 approached the station, eager to finally fulfill his purpose.
Commander Blanket visited Amos Fisher in the barn. Amos initially shunned Blanket’s new “hippie” getup, but they smoothed that over. Amos had realized a flaw in Jacob’s plan…the butter-churn rocket would carry all the Amish people, but couldn’t hold their belongings. The Amish, especially the special-needs Amish, need a place to store their stuff. When Blanket learned that 75% of the Amish are retarded, he suggested that they expand their plan to create a homeworld for ALL of Earth’s retarded people as well.
As Jacob Fisher and Armageddon Uno did a last-minute check on the butter-churn rocket, Jacob revealed that the entire barn section of the station was part of his ship, and would detach from the rest of the Keeton-2. Armageddon was amazed that a simple Amish farmer could accomplish all this, and Jacob explained about his extraterrestrial origins. Speculating as to whether Jacob had any powers besides his advanced knowledge, Armageddon recalled how hard Jacob had hit him a couple of weeks ago. Testing Jacob’s strength, they discovered that Jacob could lift a cow with one hand.
Altair-4 arose from the wreckage of Detroit and flew towards the station.
After testing Scoopella’s DNA, Dwayne discovered that Scoopella was 1/3 Jacob, 1/3 Edwina, and 1/3 Scoop…a perfect hybrid of human, android, and Amish alien. As they wondered what this could mean, Dwayne sent Edwina through a shining portal to fetch some Frusen Gladje. When Edwina returned, Dwayne slapped her. Edwina felt the pain…then realized she was now fully human. Amazed and grateful, Edwina wondered how Dwayne had done it, since she hadn’t been able to contact her creator Gary Petto. Dwayne revealed that he WAS Gary Petto. A flashback revealed that Dwayne/Petto’s daughter had been hit by a car while he was too busy building Edwina, and that he had engineered the entire chain of events to create Scoopella as a replacement for his dead child. Upset by Dwayne’s manipulations, Edwina got into a shouting match with him.
EDWINA: “You may be able to scream louder, but I can scream shriller!”
They stopped when they realized that their fighting was traumatizing Scoopella. Dwayne explained that now that Edwina was human, Jacob could finally embrace her without going against his Amish beliefs. Suddenly, Altair-2 arrived. Recognizing Scoopella as the destroyer of Detroit, Altair-2 backed out of the room.
Cody Gage & Dr. Shika told Commander Blanket & Jacob Fisher about their plans for the pro bono retarded storage facility. Blanket then told Jacob about his own plan to bring all Earth’s retarded people along with the Amish to planet Tuberon. Taken aback, Jacob revealed that he had only planned on taking the healthiest of the Amish, leaving inbreeding behind. Shocked by Jacob’s uncharacteristic insensitivity, Blanket reminded him of the lessons of helping others instead of judging them.
TO BE CONCLUDED…
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Season 4, Episode 21: The Great Emancipat-bot
Episode 21: The Great Emancipat-bot
After last week’s body-switching experience, Altair-9000 now had the mind of Abraham Lincoln. Altair/Lincoln delivered the Emancipation Proclamation to Jacob Fisher’s livestock, setting all the animals free. Jacob entered and argued that it was God’s plan for animals to be subjugated to human needs.
JACOB: “Cows are here to provide milk for people…and baby cows, but more importantly for people.”
Dr. Shika advised Edwina Prototype to choose between her android and human natures, telling her to “shit on the pot or get off.”
EDWINA: “What I wouldn’t give to shit! It’s so human! The most human acts of all, to shit and to cheat on one’s taxes.”
Needing further counseling, Edwina broke into a song entitled “What Would You Do, Dr. Shika? I Need Your Wisdom.” Dr. Shika told her to listen to her heart.
Steering the station with a wine cooler in one hand and champagne in the other, Commander Blanket suddenly noticed that his beehive had died of neglect, having been ignored since Episode 12. In his sorrow, Blanket reflected on all the other duties he’d failed, and swore to fulfill his promises to deliver the Amish people to Tuberon, help Altair find his four counterpart robots, and get Armageddon Uno laid three times in three weeks. Suddenly, Jacob Fisher’s father Amos Fisher entered the station, having built a spiral staircase into the sky. Amos explained his misgivings about Jacob’s plans to establish a new Amish homeworld. Commander Blanket offered to show Amos his son’s work so he could see Jacob’s sincerity.
Cody Gage’s true personality had returned to her body, while Dwayne McLifegiver (a.k.a. Dwayne Tomagachi, a.k.a. Angus McMurder) was now occupied by both his own personality and Altair’s. After Cody explained her plans to become a beauty professional after she goes back to Earth, they talked about how Dwayne/Altair’s dual personality would affect their relationship.
DWAYNE/ALTAIR: “It’s the best of both worlds! You get someone who wants to experience everything life has to offer…and someone who wants to destroy life. That’s a balance, I guess.”
As Armageddon Uno helped Jacob round up the emancipated livestock, Jacob explained the proper Amish was of slaughtering animals using the Amish martial art of Mish Fu. Jacob proceeded to give Armageddon a rather homoerotic-looking demonstration, while Commander Blanket and Amos Fisher looked on in horror.
Altair/Lincoln was wandering the hallways when Amos and Blanket walked by, still shocked by what they thought they had seen. Perplexed by the strange presidential figure, Amos shunned Altair/Lincoln once he realized he was a robot.
Still unsure of her future career path, Cody Gage scanned the classified ads for something she and Dwayne/Altair could do together. She found an offer to open a storage unit in Lawrenceville, getting paid 6.75 an hour just to live there and watch over the place. The Altair side of Dwayne’s persona balked at the idea, refusing to settle down in one place and give up all life’s experiences. As Altair searched for more exciting work, he discovered an ad from Dwayne’s brother, Heinous McMurder, seeking a new partner in crime. Dwayne was so enraged by his brother’s backstabbing ad that his fury displaced Altair’s personality. Altair returned to his own body just as Lincoln smashed a cane across Amos’ back.
Commander Blanket found Armageddon Uno in the hold. Blanket explained that he wasn’t happy with Spaceforce’s plans to reassign him as a PE teacher in Arizona, and asked if he could travel the universe together with Armageddon. Armageddon accepted the Commander’s request, saying that Blanket reminded him of his old monkey sidekick, Jim-Jim. Commander Blanket shared some bad news…while searching for the other Altair robots, he’d also found out what happened to Jim-Jim. Blanket asked Armageddon if he’d ever seen “Faces of Death.” Armageddon gleefully recalled the movie’s most gruesome moments, until he remembered the restaurant that served monkey brains.
Dr. Shika tended Amos Fisher’s injuries. Amos was initially shocked by the blue-skinned alien’s appearance, but his brutal punishment at Altair’s hands had convinced him not to judge others. Amos was impressed that Shika could fix his back chiropractically, using his hands instead of technology. As they conversed, Shika explained that his true name doesn’t translate into English, and he adopted the name “Shika” after watching Sammy Davis Jr. Shika whispered his real name to Amos, who recognized it as an Amish name. Amos revealed that he’d come to bring his son bad news…the Amish have rejected Jacob’s plan to lead them to a new homeworld.
Dwayne was in the commissary, readjusting to having complete control of his body once again. As Edwina entered and fixed him some Caribou Coffee, Dwayne told her that he now understood what it was like to live as a half-human, half-android. The conversation turned to Edwina’s memories of her own creator, G. Petto. Dwayne recognized the name as belonging to Gary Petto, an employee of the Yamamoto Corporation. Dwayne gave Edwina Dr. Petto’s address so that she could finally become fully human.
Cody Gage ran into Altair-9000, who was discarding his Lincoln outfit. Altair confessed that his experiences as both Dwayne and Lincoln had left him with complex, conflicted emotions about humanity.
CODY: “This isn’t going to be one of those split-personality things, is it? ’Cause I’ve had about enough of that.”
ALTAIR: “I was just gonna open up and tell you how I feel, but fuck you!”
And with that, Altair stormed out.
As Amos Fisher read Shika’s books on chiropractic, Jacob arrived. Amos told Jacob that the elders had rejected his plan, considering the butter-churn rocket to be too much like technology. But that wasn’t the only news Amos brought. Amos explained that, long ago, he and his wife had been trying to have a child for 14 years with no results…then one day, Amos went out into a field to pray for a son. A blue light streaked through the sky, and Amos followed the light to a little butter-churn with a baby inside. A baby whom he named Jacob.
TO BE CONTINUED…
After last week’s body-switching experience, Altair-9000 now had the mind of Abraham Lincoln. Altair/Lincoln delivered the Emancipation Proclamation to Jacob Fisher’s livestock, setting all the animals free. Jacob entered and argued that it was God’s plan for animals to be subjugated to human needs.
JACOB: “Cows are here to provide milk for people…and baby cows, but more importantly for people.”
Dr. Shika advised Edwina Prototype to choose between her android and human natures, telling her to “shit on the pot or get off.”
EDWINA: “What I wouldn’t give to shit! It’s so human! The most human acts of all, to shit and to cheat on one’s taxes.”
Needing further counseling, Edwina broke into a song entitled “What Would You Do, Dr. Shika? I Need Your Wisdom.” Dr. Shika told her to listen to her heart.
Steering the station with a wine cooler in one hand and champagne in the other, Commander Blanket suddenly noticed that his beehive had died of neglect, having been ignored since Episode 12. In his sorrow, Blanket reflected on all the other duties he’d failed, and swore to fulfill his promises to deliver the Amish people to Tuberon, help Altair find his four counterpart robots, and get Armageddon Uno laid three times in three weeks. Suddenly, Jacob Fisher’s father Amos Fisher entered the station, having built a spiral staircase into the sky. Amos explained his misgivings about Jacob’s plans to establish a new Amish homeworld. Commander Blanket offered to show Amos his son’s work so he could see Jacob’s sincerity.
Cody Gage’s true personality had returned to her body, while Dwayne McLifegiver (a.k.a. Dwayne Tomagachi, a.k.a. Angus McMurder) was now occupied by both his own personality and Altair’s. After Cody explained her plans to become a beauty professional after she goes back to Earth, they talked about how Dwayne/Altair’s dual personality would affect their relationship.
DWAYNE/ALTAIR: “It’s the best of both worlds! You get someone who wants to experience everything life has to offer…and someone who wants to destroy life. That’s a balance, I guess.”
As Armageddon Uno helped Jacob round up the emancipated livestock, Jacob explained the proper Amish was of slaughtering animals using the Amish martial art of Mish Fu. Jacob proceeded to give Armageddon a rather homoerotic-looking demonstration, while Commander Blanket and Amos Fisher looked on in horror.
Altair/Lincoln was wandering the hallways when Amos and Blanket walked by, still shocked by what they thought they had seen. Perplexed by the strange presidential figure, Amos shunned Altair/Lincoln once he realized he was a robot.
Still unsure of her future career path, Cody Gage scanned the classified ads for something she and Dwayne/Altair could do together. She found an offer to open a storage unit in Lawrenceville, getting paid 6.75 an hour just to live there and watch over the place. The Altair side of Dwayne’s persona balked at the idea, refusing to settle down in one place and give up all life’s experiences. As Altair searched for more exciting work, he discovered an ad from Dwayne’s brother, Heinous McMurder, seeking a new partner in crime. Dwayne was so enraged by his brother’s backstabbing ad that his fury displaced Altair’s personality. Altair returned to his own body just as Lincoln smashed a cane across Amos’ back.
Commander Blanket found Armageddon Uno in the hold. Blanket explained that he wasn’t happy with Spaceforce’s plans to reassign him as a PE teacher in Arizona, and asked if he could travel the universe together with Armageddon. Armageddon accepted the Commander’s request, saying that Blanket reminded him of his old monkey sidekick, Jim-Jim. Commander Blanket shared some bad news…while searching for the other Altair robots, he’d also found out what happened to Jim-Jim. Blanket asked Armageddon if he’d ever seen “Faces of Death.” Armageddon gleefully recalled the movie’s most gruesome moments, until he remembered the restaurant that served monkey brains.
Dr. Shika tended Amos Fisher’s injuries. Amos was initially shocked by the blue-skinned alien’s appearance, but his brutal punishment at Altair’s hands had convinced him not to judge others. Amos was impressed that Shika could fix his back chiropractically, using his hands instead of technology. As they conversed, Shika explained that his true name doesn’t translate into English, and he adopted the name “Shika” after watching Sammy Davis Jr. Shika whispered his real name to Amos, who recognized it as an Amish name. Amos revealed that he’d come to bring his son bad news…the Amish have rejected Jacob’s plan to lead them to a new homeworld.
Dwayne was in the commissary, readjusting to having complete control of his body once again. As Edwina entered and fixed him some Caribou Coffee, Dwayne told her that he now understood what it was like to live as a half-human, half-android. The conversation turned to Edwina’s memories of her own creator, G. Petto. Dwayne recognized the name as belonging to Gary Petto, an employee of the Yamamoto Corporation. Dwayne gave Edwina Dr. Petto’s address so that she could finally become fully human.
Cody Gage ran into Altair-9000, who was discarding his Lincoln outfit. Altair confessed that his experiences as both Dwayne and Lincoln had left him with complex, conflicted emotions about humanity.
CODY: “This isn’t going to be one of those split-personality things, is it? ’Cause I’ve had about enough of that.”
ALTAIR: “I was just gonna open up and tell you how I feel, but fuck you!”
And with that, Altair stormed out.
As Amos Fisher read Shika’s books on chiropractic, Jacob arrived. Amos told Jacob that the elders had rejected his plan, considering the butter-churn rocket to be too much like technology. But that wasn’t the only news Amos brought. Amos explained that, long ago, he and his wife had been trying to have a child for 14 years with no results…then one day, Amos went out into a field to pray for a son. A blue light streaked through the sky, and Amos followed the light to a little butter-churn with a baby inside. A baby whom he named Jacob.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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