Thursday, April 15, 2010

Season 15, Episode 8: Exterminate!

Episode 8: Exterminate!

Michael Cash called in the exterminator Francis Pinsky with a two-part job…first, he wanted Francis to kill the rat, Refuse V. Torvelson. The second pest he wanted eliminated…Perry Fippler.

In the catacombs underneath the restaurant, Refuse was tracking Nipsey’s distinctive scent (coconut and Febreze) when he got caught in a glue trap. He realized he would have to gnaw his leg off to escape.

At the hostess stand, Perry was talking with the new waitress Cece Rondino, flirting in geek-speak. Cece explained that she was treating her job like a videogame, doing her best to collect XP and level up. Perry replied that he hoped they could level up his penis later that night. In the shadows, Nipsey saw the whole thing.

Santiago and Lois were going over their getaway plan. Santiago revealed that he had always dreamed of going to Mount Kilimanjaro, just like in the Toto song. He informed Lois that once they escaped, they would be hunted down…the only way to keep the authorities from coming after her would be to fake her own death. However, Lois revealed that she was having second thoughts…now that W.T. Friday’s had gotten a new rolling salad bar, she was thinking of staying. Santiago said she would have to choose between him and the salad bar. She asked for ten minutes to decide.

Nipsey was sleeping, having Poe-like nightmares from her guilt over abandoning Pat Anderson in the catacombs. Refuse V. Torvelson found her and woke her up by nibbling on her feet. Refuse informed her that her father was trapped underground. Nipsey remembered all the hints Pat had dropped and realized that Pat was her father. She bandaged up Refuse’s leg and set off with him to find Pat, following the trail Refuse had left with his own droppings.

Meanwhile, Francis Pinsky was following the trail himself, when he found the Professor. Putting a knife to the Professor’s throat, he growled that he was looking for a rat. The Professor admitted that he had seen Refuse, but warned that he believed the rat had AIDS. Francis revealed that he himself had developed Rat-AIDS in the 1980s as a weapon to wipe out rodents…he’d taken the virus and dumbed it down to rat level. Francis asked the Professor what he was willing to do for $5. The Professor assumed he was talking about sex.

Pat Anderson was wandering through the catacombs when he got caught in a glue trap. He was just about to start gnawing his arm off when Nipsey and Refuse found him. Nipsey confessed that she knew he was her father, and he asked her forgiveness for not being there for her. Above them, Francis sprayed his Rat-AIDS gas through the manhole. As the gas flooded the catacombs, the trio attempted to escape. Realizing that one of them would have to stay behind, Refuse told Pat and Nipsey to save themselves…he would sacrifice himself for them.

Lois went to Michael’s office and found Perry there. She explained that she’d come to give Michael her two weeks’ notice. Changing the subject (as he usually did), Perry revealed that Chief Barto’s ghost had informed him that Nipsey was still alive. Stunned by this news, Lois decided to stay on for Nipsey’s sake. However, Perry told her that her resignation was now in the system and it was too late to take it back.

Santiago and Michael met secretly, as they were still “Silencio Brothers” over their mutual guilt in Sam Friday’s death. Santiago gave Michael his two weeks’ notice, infuriating Michael. (“Do you know how hard it’s going to be to find someone I can manipulate as easily as you?”) Santiago declared that, despite Michael’s threats, he was still determined to leave with Lois and the rolling salad bar.

Francis Pinsky came to Michael’s office to collect half his fee, explaining that he’d infected Refuse with Rat-AIDS. Michael protested that he wanted the rat dead NOW, not years from now…and he wanted to see the body as proof. Francis warned that this would cost extra…TWO DOLLARS extra.

Cece was going over her side-work when Nipsey came in and started throwing things around. Cece and Nipsey confronted each other over their longtime rivalry, as they’d ruined each others’ lives in high school. (“It was YOUR decision to have sex with the football captain on the field, Cece…I just told everybody to watch.”) When Nipsey accused Cece of stealing Perry from her, Cece countered that Nipsey had never wanted him in the first place. Nipsey warned Cece that if she took Perry, she’d better be prepared to take her baby as well…Nipsey was planning to abandon it with Perry and Cece.

Francis went underground to search for Refuse, finding the rat weakened but furious. (“You gave me Rat-AIDS! I have a terrible HMO!”) Taking hold of Refuse, Francis asked the rat what his greatest accomplishment was. Refuse reminisced about the time he found a delicious half-rack of ribs behind a Chili’s. Drawing a knife, Francis told Refuse to focus on that happy feeling. As Refuse tearfully broke into the baby-back ribs song, Francis slit the rat’s throat and then stabbed him viciously.

Perry and Santiago were sitting on the roof, trying to burst clouds with their minds. Perry pointed out one that looked like a rat; as he destroyed it, he remarked “I feel like an entire audience is booing me.” Perry then gave Santiago a membership card to his Best Friends Club, explaining that he was one of the only people Perry could talk to…especially since he saw Santiago kill Nipsey’s mother.

The Professor ran into Francis Pinsky, who now had Refuse’s body strapped to his belt. (“You are one scary fuck!”) Francis asked the Professor where Perry was, explaining that he was asking because old black men know everything, just like Morgan Freeman in that prison movie. The Professor was offended by the stereotype, but replied that he DID know that Perry could usually be found in Michael’s office. Realizing that Francis was going to kill Perry, the Professor was struck by a Vietnam flashback. The rush of killing came over him, and he asked if he could come along.

Pat Anderson returned to W.T. Friday’s and settled in at his old table. Lois came by with the rolling salad bar and fed him every vegetable they had, presenting them over-dramatically because it may be the last salad she ever serves. She explained that she was going away, though she couldn’t tell him where. Pat protested that if she left, he would lose his touchstone at the restaurant.

Lured by a note supposedly written by Cece, Perry entered an old shack where Francis Pinsky was waiting. Francis asked Perry about his greatest accomplishment, and Perry replied that he hadn’t done it yet. As Francis drew his knife, Perry realized what was happening, then started rambling about Death coming to get him like in those Final Destination movies. Francis pointed out that in those movies, Death always wins…then Francis stabbed him. Barely reacting, Perry asked who had hired Francis. Francis informed him that it had been Michael, then stabbed Perry yet again. Still not reacting (“Seriously, how are you not falling down?”), Perry answered his cell phone. After taking the call, Perry remarked “It’s my heart…it’s just given its two weeks’ notice.” Then Perry collapsed.

Meanwhile, Francis’ exterminating chemicals seeped through the sewers and combined with the sulfur in the soil. The compound made its way down to the swamp where it soaked into a long-forgotten body that had been dumped there…the body of Sam Friday. The abandoned corpse convulsed and revived, declaring “I’m back, Michael Cash…and I can’t wait to see you!”


Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Season 15, Episode 5 (Recovered): Die Mommy Die!

Although I wasn't there for episode 5, we were fortunate enough to have Lucky Yates as a guest summarizer. Here is the summary for the "lost episode" from a few weeks ago:

Episode 5: “Die, Mommy, Die!”

Nipsey went to the doctor to see if her baby is a boy or a girl but admits to him that she doesn’t have health insurance. He gives her a GOLDEN PAMPHLET which grants her insurance for 1 year. As she appears smitten with the young doc, he then informs her that after 18 tests, he has some bad news…her baby is hideously ugly. He looks at the sonograms and is struck temporarily blind..

The Professor and Lois are busking on the street, dancing a merry jig. The Professor is hopeful since he just asked the mayor for a pardon for killing Americans in Viet Nam instead of the Viet Cong. Lois shares that she too would like a pardon for the terrible unspoken things she’s done in her life. Thinking he has an in, The Professor skips with Lois back into the Mayor’s office to get her one too.

Caroline (Nipsey’s mother) attempts to help Santiago bus some dishes. He thinks she is making fun of her, but then she offers to buy him a cup of coffee. No one has ever offered this to him before, so he gratefully accepts. Over a lukewarm cup of leftover java, Santiago mournes the loss of his tiny fetus baby “Chris”. He vows revenge on whoever bit the poor thing’s head off saying he has memorized the bite radius of the culprit. As he busses the table he notices that the sandwich left on the plate is the bite he’s been looking for, and it belongs to Caroline!

Chief Barto and Perry are playing some mini golf when the Chief realizes that Perry has been cheating on the score card. While getting the crap kicked out of him, Perry asks the Chief if he’ll be his new best friend. And also that he’d like to be a Jr. Deputy. The Chief allows Perry to be his apprentice if he reads every file and floppy disk he’s been lugging around to solve a murder from the first episode. Perry happily accepts.

Pat Anderson goes to the hospital to check on Michael Cash, who is in a coma. Pat parays to the Corporate Restaurant Jesus top make his hero well again, when the dashing young doctor stumbles in blind. Pat and the doctor stumble around in search of some Braille charts so the doc can check on Michael’s status, but Pat becomes overwhelmed and collapses right into Michael’s crotch.

Perry is doing some Jr. Detecting in Michael’s office when Caroline enters, wearing a wire. They are in plain view of the Chief who is just outside the door. Lois enters trying to catch Caroline in an illegal act and closes the door, pissing off the Chief. Caroline fesses up that she needs freedom and money and asks Lois to kill Nipsey for the life insurance money. Lois offers to kill Caroline instead. Perry uncomfortably sneaks out of the office, having seen too much.

Perry goes to Santiago seeking help in the situation he just witnessed. Santiago reveals that he knows it was Caroline who bit the head off of his fetal baby. Santiago then whips out a knife, which is given to every Hispanic person at birth and vows revenge. Perry takes the knife and shows off his mad knife skillz, which amazes Santiago so much, he offers to take Perry to Mexico to compete in the Knife Olympics where the grand prize is Esmerelda- The Prettiest Burro in all Mexico. But first, they snap into action to get Caroline!

The Chief goes to the Professor’s shack to see if he’s heard anything from the mayor. The Professor is crying as he just received his letter of rejection. The Chief then tells The Professor that it doesn’t matter, he’s already pardoned in his heart. The Professor admits there’s only one thing that matters to him and that’s Nipsey. He pulls a gun and claims Black Rambo is Back!

Nipsey and Pat Anderson are having a heart to heart about parenthood. Pat admits that it’s all about making mistakes, and if you screw up really bad, you can always send the kid to vocational school. Nipsey then reveals that there is a problem with her baby, that it’s hideously ugly. Pat then tries to give a motivational speech, but it ends up spiraling into the confused ramblings of an old man.

Perry reports to Chief Barto about all that he’s found. Even though the papers and floppy disks seem to implicate Lois, it’s really Caroline who is behind all of the wrongdoing. Admitting that “that is the opposite of what I thought”, Barto vows to kill Caroline. Then Perry shows The Chief his mad knife skillz.

Pat Anderson is eating his favorite lunch when Caroline joins him. They compliment each other on how they both look but quickly start arguing like the old couple they used to be. Caroline admits that she has shivved 65 women in the prison shower alone, so he shouldn’t mess with her. He asks if Nipsey “knows” (presumably that he’s her father) and Caroline says that Nipsey will die not knowing, hinting that that may be soon. Pat offers his AARP card in exchange for Nipsey’s life. Caroline refuses, and Pat attacks her vowing to kill her. She fights the old man off.
Santiago and Lois are on a date playing Jarts and lamenting the loss of their just fertilized baby. Santiago wants to take Lois back home with him, but Lois tells him that’s impossible since she didn’t get pardoned. Santiago makes a vow that he will join Lois in prison just to be with her. She reminds him that it’s a women’s prison, and he says he’ll go AS A WOMAN! Then they can sell the rights as a hilarious screenplay.

Nipsey finds the Professor wearing a ski mask and asks if he’s been burned. He tells her about Black Rambo. She shows him the ultrasound of her hideous baby and asks the Professor if he’ll be there when the baby is born. He tells her he can’t, since he’ll probably go to jail by then. She offers to let The Professor live in her house and he can be her butler!

Pat Anderson goes to the Doctor to get his lumbar looked at. Then he asks the doctor if it’s possible to be turned into a robot. This is exactly the chance the young doctor has been looking for and rapidly agrees.

Caroline is hiding out in Michael Cash’s hospital room. Perry and Santiago (in a women’s wig) barge in. After a struggle, Santiago pulls his knife claiming “This Knife Is Cursed With The Ghosts Of A Thousand Mexicans!” and stabs Caroline. Just the Michael wakes up and screams “WTF!”

To Be Continued…

Friday, April 9, 2010

Season 15, Episode 7: The Rat and the Cat...acombs

Episode 7: The Rat & the Cat…acombs

In the aftermath of the basement explosion, Michael Cash was rummaging through the rubble in search of Nipsey and Pat Anderson. He was surprised to encounter an old friend…the talking rat Refuse V. Torvelson. As Michael explained that his friends might be dead, Refuse pointed out that the explosion had destroyed his home as well. Enraged by Refuse’s selfishness, Michael declared that the rat was no longer welcome at W.T. Friday’s. When Refuse pointed out that he’d never BEEN welcome at the restaurant, Michael replied that he was now double-unwelcome. They eventually arrived at an agreement: If Refuse used his powerful sense of smell to track Nipsey and Pat, Michael would allow him to live underneath the restaurant and bring him canned food.

Grief-stricken by Nipsey’s possible death, Perry Fippler was consoled by Santiago, who introduced him to the time-honored Mexican tradition of dealing with grief: Tequila. Tasting it, Perry observed that it tasted like a dead donkey’s butthole; Santiago explained that that was how it was aged. Perry lamented that he felt lost and abandoned, just like Sandra Bullock. Santiago suggested Perry work through his sorrow by role-playing as the Oscar-winning actress. Santiago got carried away with the charade, and began hitting on Perry just the way he would with the real Sandra Bullock: “If our lovemaking goes below 55 miles per hour, we’ll explode!”

Meanwhile, Lois was STILL tied up when the Professor heard her cries and found her. She explained that she had survived by chewing the same piece of gum for an entire week, though she had also soiled herself several times over. Being homeless, the Professor was able to withstand the smell as he freed her. Lois remembered that the Professor had shot Chief Barto in order to save her…but then he dragged away Barto’s body and didn’t come back. The Professor apologetically explained that he got caught up in Mass Effect 2 and forgot all about her.

As for Nipsey and Pat, they had survived the blast (thanks to Pat’s CIA training) and had made their way to Pat’s secret underground catacombs. Although Pat had lost the map to the surface, he could tell from the soil’s sulfur content that they must be near the restaurant. Pat assured Nipsey that he would get her back to the surface. (“I won’t let your child be born underground!” Pat mused how much Nipsey reminded him of his own daughter, who doesn’t even know he exists…much as Nipsey must feel towards her own father who she never knew. Nipsey did not get the hint.

Santiago had carried Perry to a singles bar to take his mind off his grief. Seeing a beautiful woman sitting by herself, Santiago encouraged Nipsey to talk to her…but knowing Perry’s tendency to ramble, he gave Perry an earpiece so he could guide her through the conversation Cyrano-style. Despite Santiago’s best intentions, Perry still rephrased all of Santiago’s lines into his usual Perry-speak. Perry began rambling about online videogames; much to his surprise, the woman understood exactly what he was talking about. She introduced herself as Cece, but added that her screen name is “Mylittlepony.” Recognizing her name from his games, Perry identified himself as “VHSNerd101.” Thrilled to meet a woman he could relate to in his own words, Perry removed the earpiece and began speaking for himself. Opening a bottle of 5-year donkey-ass tequila, Perry proposed a toast: “Here’s to meeting new friends…and pwning them.”

Lois was trying “Good Touch/Bad Touch” with Michael in his office, when Michael protested that he didn’t have time for their games anymore; he was too busy with his own physiotherapy and trying to get the restaurant back in order. Lois lamented that she was losing Santiago, and Michael pointed out that it might have something to do with the fact that she was sleeping with Michael. She countered that she was only doing so for revenge, and Michael wondered why they kept on sleeping together when neither of them enjoyed it. Lois complained that Michael had grown cold, and he replied that he had to make himself hard and cold to run a restaurant. Then he sentenced her to 20 lashes.

Searching for clues in the underground tunnels, Refuse V. Torvelson ran into the Professor, who was understandably freaked out by the sight of a talking rat. Refuse tried to allay the Professor’s fears, explaining that Michael had asked him to find Nipsey and Pat. Agreeing to help, the Professor climbed onto Refuse’s back and rode him off to the rescue.

Hopelessly lost in the catacombs, Pat Anderson took a Sudoko break as Nipsey complained about his incompetence. They got into a heated argument, ending with Pat asking where she inherited her temperament. He then suggested that they split up. When Nipsey pointed out that one of them would certainly die if they separated, Pat simply replied “Well, good knowing you.”

Perry went to Michael’s office and told him about his meeting with Cece. Michael asked if Cece had any experience as a server, since they needed a replacement for Nipsey. Perry was disturbed by the thought of replacing Nipsey, so Michael instructed him to take all his feelings for Nipsey, crush them into a little ball, and stick them up his ass for five years to make a fine tequila.

Wandering through the catacombs, the Professor found Nipsey. When she asked if he could find the way out, he informed her that they were directly underneath the W.T. Friday’s restroom. He reached up and dislodged the manhole cover, then asked “Wait, wasn’t there somebody with you?” Nipsey replied that she was alone.

Elsewhere in the catacombs, Pat encountered Refuse V. Torvelson. Stunned by the sight, Pat assumed he was having a “Charlotte’s Web” hallucination and asked “Templeton” to drag him to the surface. Although confused by Pat’s remarks, Refuse did as he asked.

At the dishwashing station, Lois confronted Santiago about his visit to the singles bar. As they argued, Lois blamed their strained relationship on the fact that she was a prisoner in this restaurant. Santiago suggested that she free herself by escaping through the catacombs.

As Nipsey and the Professor climbed back up into W.T. Friday’s, she thanked him for saving her. The Professor replied that he was going to continue saving her…he was prepared to do whatever it takes to make her life better, even if he had to take over the restaurant himself. Seeing Pat’s usual table empty, the guilt-ridden Nipsey confessed that Pat had indeed been with her in the catacombs. The Professor responded by replacing the manhole cover and saying “He can stay down there.”

Perry was showing Cece around the restaurant. She felt right at home, and mentioned that she was between jobs. Perry gave her a job interview, using D&D terminology. Cece rolled a 20-sided die, and successfully landed the position.

Underground, Pat asked Refuse to use his sense of smell to find Nipsey. After homing in on her scent, Refuse began to follow it, but was taken aback when Pat didn’t follow him. Pat explained that he couldn’t bear to face his daughter. (“I’d rather die a mystery to her than face her a failure.”) Refuse agreed to leave Pat behind, but swore he’d bring Nipsey back to him.


Friday, April 2, 2010

Season 15, Episode 6: Martial Lawlessness

Episode 6: Martial Lawlessness

Michael Cash, out of his coma, was sitting in his office when Nipsey came in. Michael explained that he was still incredibly weak…his body is falling apart, just like the restaurant. Nipsey informed him that, while he was incapacitated, none of the employees had been paid; Michael explained that he was too weak to lift a pen to sign the checks. He asked Nipsey to move his arm for him and sort-of forge his signature.

Perry Fippler was checking out the new skee-ball lanes for the upcoming tournament when Chief Barto declared that he had important news. Perry made a number of bizarre guesses before the frustrated Barto revealed that he was placing the restaurant under martial law. Barto locked the doors and informed Perry that he was now a Junior Deputy. Perry gratefully returned the favor by admitting Barto into his “Best Friends Club.”

Santiago was in prison (a women’s prison, actually) for killing Nipsey’s mother Caroline. Lois came to visit him, informing him that she’d made her way there by killing a truck driver and stealing his truck. Santiago observed that she probably shouldn’t be confessing to murder in front of the guards.

The Professor and Pat Anderson were trying to come up with team names for the skee-ball tournament, without much luck. The Professor suddenly realized that the upcoming Alley Rally would be coming through his alley “home,” setting off a Vietnam flashback.

As Lois helped Michael tie his necktie, he confronted her about the awful job she’d done while she was in charge of the restaurant. (Hot wings at the salad bar? Really?) Lois retorted that Michael should be grateful to her…she had brought him out of his coma by placing her baby in his body. Michael pointed out that this was a pretty half-assed miracle cure, since he still couldn’t move. Lois suggested that they hide his infirmity by using his desk as a wheelchair.

Chief Barto had transferred Santiago to the restaurant (since it was now pretty much a prison itself). He offered Santiago a chance to be his Senior Deputy, informing him that he’d be granted posthumous citizenship if he’s killed in the line of duty. Santiago eagerly accepted. Barto gave Santiago a gun and instructed him to shoot any patrons who try to come in.

At the salad bar, Nipsey told Perry that she couldn’t stand being cooped up in the restaurant (especially if it meant having to listen to Perry’s endless nonsensical ramblings). Perry resolved to end the martial law by finding out who killed Sam Friday (assuming that’s the reason for the lockdown).

Chief Barto assembled the restaurant staff to explain the reasons for his drastic action. Lois interrupted to explain that she needed to be set free before her cyst blows up. Barto was disgusted, but still refused to let her go. He resumed his explanation, pointing out that nobody was concerned about the many illegal acts that had occurred at the restaurant (Sam’s disappearance, several cut brake lines, a baby being bitten in half), and SOMETHING had to be done. Pat chided Barto for being so caught up in the past. Just then, the mayor called Barto on the yellow telephone and informed him that he was fired.

Later, the Professor was having a hobo-bath in the dishwashing station, explaining to Santiago that he was enjoying the martial law since it was keeping him indoors. Santiago worried that Barto had overstepped his bounds and made himself a target. Santiago resolved to protect Barto, even if it meant killing the mayor. The Professor replied that, if there’s any killing to be done, he’d be the best one to do it. Santiago handed over the gun.

Making the best out of a bad situation, Pat Anderson was passing the time by showing his photo albums to Lois. Lois was amazed by how handsome Pat had been in his youth, remarking that he looked like Andy Garcia. Pat launched into a lengthy monologue about Andy Garcia’s career…somehow segueing into a complaint about how Fran Tarkenton was underappreciated.

Mad with power, Chief Barto had tied Nipsey to a chair in the basement. He asked her to help him restore order to the restaurant, and she agreed.

BARTO: “Do you mean it, or are you just saying it so I won’t hit you?”
NIPSEY: “Both.”
BARTO: “I’ll accept that.”

Santiago met Perry in the poolroom. As they played, Santiago explained that the National Guard was going to kill Barto, and they needed to stop them. He asked Perry to go out and reason with the National Guard. When Perry asked what he should say, Santiago instructed him to “just do your thing.”

In the basement, Nipsey was still tied to the chair, but now Pat was tied up to another chair back-to-back with her…with a ticking time bomb at their feet. Faced with imminent death, Nipsey told Pat how much she’d always enjoyed his visits, and wished she’d told him sooner. Pat told her that she had a beautiful soul, declaring “You’re my Fran Tarkenton.”

Chief Barto now had Lois tied up, and was forcing her to watch footage of monkeys being loaded onto trucks. As he poked at her cyst (“Is that a parasitic twin?”), Lois declared that he’d become just as bad as her.

LOIS: “Look at yourself! Who’s the criminal now?”
BARTO: “Um, it’s still you.”

Michael crawled in and attempted to bring Barto back to his senses by singing the birthday song. Instead, the song just strengthened Barto’s resolve to save the restaurant from itself. Just then, the Professor arrived and declared that he had come to repay the favor that he owes Barto. Pulling out the gun, the Professor told Barto he was offering him the greatest favor of all…the chance to redeem himself. Barto responded by walking right up to the gun. The Professor fired.

The next day, Santiago and Perry were playing skee-ball and reflecting how thing had turned out. Perry had ended the siege by going out and talking about the PowerPuff Girls until the National Guard left in frustration. Perry was saddened by Barto’s death, but claimed that the Junior Deputy/Best Friend Club bond couldn’t be broken…he could call up Barto’s ghost at any time. Just then, they heard an explosion from the basement, and realized they’d forgotten all about Nipsey and Pat being tied up with the bomb.


Season 15, Episode 5: Santiago Kills Caroline

I had to work late and missed this episode, so I'll just briefly recap the important developments:

Santiago killed Caroline.

Yeah, that's pretty much it.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Season 15, Episode 4: Mother and Child Reunion

Episode 4: Mother and Child Reunion

The Professor, Chief Barto, and Patrick Anderson were STILL in a stand-off in the alley, with Barto and Pat confronting the Professor about his work for the Viet Cong (who gave the Professor the nickname “The Black Rambo”). The Professor admitted his past, but said that he still needed to call in a favor from Barto…he needed Barto to kill “the retard” (meaning Perry Fippler). Barto was appalled that, after killing Americans, the Professor would ask him to kill yet another American (and a mentally disabled one at that).

Nipsey was going over the online gift registry for her baby when she got a surprise visitor…her mother Caroline, whom she hadn’t seen in 20 years! Caroline explained that she’d been working on the space station for all these years, but they let her out once she found the cure for cancer. Nipsey was upset with Caroline for abandoning her in a puddle when Nipsey was 9, but Caroline explained that she just wanted her daughter to be a survivor. Caroline wanted to be a family with Nipsey once again, and hoped that Nipsey would name her baby after her (even though it’s a boy). Nipsey agreed to give her mother a chance, but warned that if Caroline disappointed her, she was prepared for matricide.

Perry went to the hospital to see the comatose Michael Cash. The doctor informed Perry that Michael had suffered “a bad boo-boo in his head.” He explained that Michael could hear what was said to him, but in his unconscious state, his mind might interpret Perry’s words in a nightmarish manner. Perry replied that he would be careful not to talk about scary things, like vampires and monsters…then went on and on and on about vampires and monsters. He then assured Michael that he would make sure Michael was awake in time for Perry and Nipsey’s wedding, even if he had to give up an organ to do it.

Elsewhere in the hospital, Santiago and Lois were waiting for news from the doctor. The doctor arrived and informed them that they’d lost the baby…in fact, he had it right there in his pocket. As Santiago cried hysterically, Lois melodramatically bemoaned that everything she touches goes wrong. Suddenly, Lois was struck by an idea: They could use the baby’s tissue to save Michael. Rather than go through all the red tape, they decided to sneak into Michael’s room and slip the baby into his IV.

The Professor placed a long-distance call to Vietnam, asking them to send over his REAL file…the one that would prove he was really a heroic double agent for the US. Thrilled to hear from “The Black Rambo,” the Vietnamese consulate acceded to his wishes.

Nipsey was helping her mother move in, while bringing Caroline up to date about her relationship with Perry. Caroline resolved to make up for lost time by being the best mom ever…until the baby comes, when Nipsey becomes the best mom. On the subject of family, Nipsey wanted to know about her own father, but Caroline refused to tell her anything about him.

Perry, Santiago and Pat were preparing a farewell song in case Michael doesn’t make it. Perry and Pat asked Santiago to compose a number in salsa style. Santiago informed them that, to be true to the salsa spirit, they must hoist him onto their shoulders as he sings. Perry accidentally gripped too high on Santiago’s inner thigh (if you know what I mean), causing Santiago to hit a high note.

The Professor attempted to explain himself to Chief Barto, but Barto refused to listen; when the Professor tried to give him the real file, Barto get-some’d it out of the Professor’s hands. The Professor said that he would lay down his life for Barto…if he could, he would pull out his own entrails and make them into a path leading to a magical place where everything was all right between them. Simultaneously touched and nauseated by the Professor’s speech, Barto embraced his old partner.

Caroline ran into Lois in the cereal aisle of the Publix. Furious, Caroline accused Lois of betraying her. Lois tried to get Caroline’s sympathy by showing Caroline her baby. Caroline responded by biting its head off. As the argument continued, the truth came out…Caroline had NOT been curing cancer on the space station all these years; she had really been in prison with Lois. When Lois got out on a work-release program to work at W.T. Friday’s, Caroline felt double-crossed and busted out. Caroline demanded to switch places with Lois…and she also insisted that Nipsey must never know the truth about her criminal past.

In Michael’s room, Santiago distracted the doctor by throwing tongs at him, then made a fake intercom announcement calling him to the second floor. Alone with Michael, Santiago confessed that he was responsible for Michael’s condition…he was so jealous over Michael’s affair with Lois that he cut his brake lines again. When the doctor returned, tongs in hand, Santiago explained his idea to implant the baby into Michael. The doctor prepared to put it in with the tongs, like a life-sized game of Operation. Santiago warned him not to touch the sides or the buzzer would go off.

Nipsey told Perry that she wanted to name their son Caroline, after her mother. They agreed that, with a name like Caroline and parents like them, their son would be sure to have a well-adjusted, problem-free childhood.

In the Jungle Room, Pat and the Professor were playing cards. Pat was glad to see that the Professor had renounced his Communist past and embraced capitalism in its purest form: gambling. They talked about changing their lives, and suggested forming a Coalition of the Changing. The Professor then changed the subject to Nipsey and Perry’s relationship; the Professor couldn’t stand to think of Nipsey marrying a “retard,” and swore not to let it happen. Pat somehow got the idea that the Professor was going to recruit Nipsey into the porn industry.

Caroline went to Chief Barto with a file full of evidence against Lois (explaining that she found it in a storage facility). Caroline explained that this proved Lois’ responsibility in a notorious kidnapping 20 years ago. Overwhelmed, Barto resolved to bring Lois to justice. Caroline offered to wear a wire. Barto said he hadn’t even begun an investigation yet, but Caroline kept on offering to wear a wire until he agreed to let her. Caroline did a happy dance.

Pat, Perry, and Santiago gathered around Michael’s bedside to sing their farewell song. For the full effect, the three of them climbed onto the bed and rocked back and forth as they sang. The doctor entered, took one look at the situation, and left.


Friday, March 12, 2010

Season 15, Episode 3: Hate-Crush

Episode 3: Hate-Crush

Michael Cash arrived in his office to find Lois waiting for their liaison (one of her demands when they renegotiated her contract). Feeling used, Michael reminded her that she could only have his body, not his heart. Suddenly, he noticed a note on his desk reading “I Know What You Did.”

Assistant night shift supervisor Perry Fippler was alphabetizing the tea when Nipsey came in with the news that she was late. Checking his watch, Perry replied that she was right on time. She explained that she wasn’t talking about work…she meant she’s pregnant. Perry was thrilled, though he warned her that his genetics meant there was a 1 in 10 chance that the baby would have lobster claws. He envisioned their life together as a family, but Nipsey wanted no part of his fantasy future.

Santiago came to the dishwashing station only to be ambushed when Patrick Anderson sprung out from underneath the sink. Pat was determined to get to the bottom of Sam Friday’s disappearance, and tried to force Santiago into cooperating by taking his washbin.

The Professor and Chief Cornelius Barto were reminiscing about their old times on the force. Barto told the Professor that he owed him a big favor for taking the fall for him years ago…if need be, he could even have someone killed for the Professor. As the Chief praised the Professor’s heroism in Vietnam, the Professor reluctantly admitted that he fought not for America, but for the Viet Cong.

Michael was trying to go over some reports with Perry, but Perry’s mind was elsewhere. When Perry explained that he was thinking about his night with Nipsey (and trying to recreate her “tugboat” orgasm noise), Michael congratulated him on getting lucky…not only with Nipsey, but with his new promotion from assistant night shift supervisor to official night shift supervisor.

Nipsey brought out some scraps to the Professor’s alley, then confessed that she was pregnant with Perry’s child…and that it might have lobster-claws. The Professor informed her that this could be a blessing in disguise. He explained that Perry was secretly wealthy, so if she married him and something happened to him, she’d get a lot of money. He then remarked that he knows somebody who owes him a favor and could have Perry killed.

Devastated by the Professor’s confession, Chief Barto lashed out, turning over tables and breaking dishes. He handed his gun to Pat Anderson and told Pat to put him out of his misery, since he couldn’t live with the shame of his mentor being a Communist. Pat suggested that they kill the Professor instead, by doing what they do best…undercover work.

Santiago and Lois were having a picnic outside the restaurant, as she recalled the picnics she and her family took when she was five years old…and her father told her to go down to the creek with a stranger. Santiago consoled her by giving her a Capri Sun. She told Santiago about her affair with Michael, explaining that she didn’t like him, but must exploit him. Despite the fact that it was a “hate-crush,” Santiago was still jealous. He confessed to Lois that he was attracted to her because she’s dangerous, and could kill him at any moment.

Disguised as elderly businessman tourists, Barto and Pat infiltrated the Professor’s alley. The Professor mistook them for fellow bums, offending Pat. Fed up, Barto pulled off his sunglasses and drew his gun, threatening to kill the Professor if he didn’t leave the country. In response, the Professor walked right up to Barto’s gun.

Nipsey and Perry went to the salad bar and asked Lois to be their child’s godmother. (“All I want is for our child to get spiritual advice from a convict.”) Lois agreed, then revealed that she was pregnant as well. They all hugged.

Michael and Santiago met to discuss their “Silencio Brothers” agreement to keep Sam Friday’s death a secret. Michael confessed that he had told Perry, while Santiago admitted that he had told Nipsey. Santiago admitted another secret…he had slept with Lois (prompting Michael to ask “WHY?”). Michael cried that he wished it was him lying in the swamp instead of Sam.

The next morning, Pat, Barto, and the Professor were still frozen in their stand-off. Barto finally dropped his gun, crying that he couldn’t kill his mentor. The Professor confessed that, while he did fight for the Viet Cong, he did it only as part of a deep-cover operation.

Perry, Nipsey, Lois and Santiago were being all glowy in their impending parenthood (slightly puzzled that Lois’ pregnancy was advancing faster than Nipsey’s). Perry was a little freaked out that Nipsey was now being nice to him, but he was reassured when he saw the hate hidden in her eyes. She confessed that she and the Professor were considering a plan to kill him. Perry was pleased that their relationship was back to normal. Santiago and Lois awkwardly excused themselves.

Leaving the restaurant, Michael discovered that his brakes weren’t working. His car crashed as he cried out “What the Friday’s?!”

In the alley, the Professor explained that while he had infiltrated the Viet Cong under orders, he still didn’t deserve to live. Pat remarked “So we’re all in agreement.”

The restaurant staff returned to Michael’s office from the hospital, carrying his remains in a pan. They discussed the future of W.T. Friday’s, wondering who should be in charge now. After they agreed that Perry was most qualified, they found a note from Michael on the desk. Michael wrote that he feared that somebody was out to get him, and if something should happen to him, he was leaving the restaurant to the one person he could trust—Lois! Just then, Lois’ water broke.


Friday, March 5, 2010

Season 15, Episode 2: The Weird and the Wired

Episode 2: The Weird and the Wired

W.T. Friday’s manager Michael Cash was going over last night’s business with Perry Fippler, when Perry noticed a stain on Michael’s desk. Thinking it was chocolate, Perry tasted it, then realized it was blood. Michael attempted to explain the bloodstain by claiming that he’d been holding dogfights in his office, but finally admitted that Sam Friday was dead and that he’d thrown Sam’s body into the swamp.

Nipsey the waitress brought some dishes to the dishwasher Santiago, who appeared distracted. Guilt-ridden over his part in Sam’s death, Santiago asked Nipsey if she’d ever made a huge mistake. She confessed that she’d accidentally killed her brother in high school. (“It was a slumber party that got out of hand. He went to freeze a girl’s bra, and wound up hanging from the ceiling fan.”) Moved by her confession, Santiago admitted that he’d cut the brakes on Michael’s car, thinking it would just result in a slapstick chase.

Police Chief Cornelius Barto was having dinner with Patrick Anderson, explaining that budget cuts had forced the chief to work out of the restaurant. They reminisced about Pat’s days on the force, when he worked undercover and earned the nickname “Deep Beard.” Cornelius asked Pat to return to the job and track down Sam Friday.

Having switched places for a week, Lois and the Professor were comparing notes; he’d never realized how complex her salad-bar job actually was. The Professor wanted to switch back, but Lois would rather stay homeless than go back to work in the restaurant…mainly because she just couldn’t take the birthday song any more. Finally, they agreed to go back to their original positions. The Professor informed her that his fortunes should soon be changing…he’d used the ’80s cell phone to call his past self and told him to invest in Apple. The Professor figured his new past should be catching up with him any second now.

While doing her closing tasks, Nipsey noticed that Michael appeared troubled. He asked if she believed that time heals all wounds, and she replied that she lived by those words…she even had a tramp-stamp tattoo of her motto. He told her about all the problems he’d been having with the restaurant, and she assured him “If you need to dump on someone, I’m here for you.” Misunderstanding, Michael said he didn’t know she was into that.

Santiago went out to the alley and found the Professor, who explained that this alley is his summer home. Santiago envied his living arrangements, revealing that he shared an apartment with 25 other people. (“We sleep in bunk beds with no beds.”) The Professor sympathized, saying that he knew what it was like to be a stranger in a strange land. (“I fought in Vietnam…not for America.”)

Chief Barto greeted Lois at the salad bar, recognizing her from her time in prison. He asked her how many people she’d killed lately, but she informed him that she’d resisted the temptation to kill the customers. She picked up Barto’s yellow phone, but he warned her that this phone calls anybody in the government except the President. (“Because that would be the red phone”) Lois made a prank call to the Surgeon General, then reminisced about the time Barto came into her cell and shanked her. Barto confessed that that wasn’t a knife…it was just that his penis had been sharpened in a horrible accident. They quickly changed the subject.

Noticing that a kitchen hose had been unwound, Perry followed it to find Pat washing his car in the parking lot. When Perry informed Pat that he was using the restaurant’s water, Pat went off on a rant about water belonging to everybody, then switched gears by accusing Perry of killing Sam. When Pat described Sam as “harmless as a Teddy Ruxpin,” Perry recalled the time he put a Weird Al Yankovic tape in his Teddy Ruxpin, explaining at length who Weird Al is. Perry then noticed that Pat was wearing a wire, and started following the cord back to its source.

After closing time, Michael, Pat, and Santiago were playing a friendly game of cards…which stopped being friendly when Pat remarked on Santiago’s accent and accused him of being from Belize. Just then, Perry came in following the wire; realizing he’d just traced it back to Pat, he left. As Pat tried to press Michael and Santiago for information on Sam’s disappearance, Michael warned him to stop snooping or he’d revoke Pat’s senior discount.

Nipsey and Lois were having a Girls’ Night In when Perry arrived, following the wire. Nipsey asked Perry if he’d ever been to a slumber party before; he replied that he had, but he wound up hanging from the ceiling. As Lois reminisced about the slumber parties of her youth, Perry pushed her out of the room so he could be alone with Nipsey. He began reading her a speech he’d prepared for their wedding, then broke down in tears.

Chief Barto greeted the Professor. The Professor lamented that his attempt to change the past had failed…turned out the phone really was just a phone FROM the ’80s, not TO the ’80s. The Professor and the Chief reminisced about their past as partners, until it all went bad. The Professor took the fall and got kicked off the force, leaving it open for Barto to become Chief. Barto offered to reinstate the Professor and put him on the Sam Friday case. (“We need men like you, who don’t expect to be paid.”)

Michael called Lois to his office for her evaluation, informing her that she’s the best employee he has. She replied that she didn’t want a raise or promotion…she just wanted to go back to jail. Michael replied that he knew she hated it here, but the restaurant needed her. (“Without you, these people would have no salads!”) He offered to renegotiate her contract, asking what it would take to make her want to stay. Lois started thinking…

Santiago was about to start his car when Pat popped up in the back seat. Just then, Perry came along following the wire, then left in a huff when he saw he’d just come back to Pat again. Pat explained to Santiago that he was trying to frustrate Perry into confessing. Pat then tried to get Santiago to admit his part in the cover-up by bribing him with a dollar.

Nipsey woke up to the sound of Perry singing “Like a Surgeon.” Realizing that she’d spent the night with Perry, Nipsey was appalled by her mistake…even moreso when Perry mentioned that they hadn’t used protection. Nipsey insisted that she could never be drunk enough to sleep with Perry, and demanded to know what had happened. Perry explained that he’d read her some of his love poems, which made her lose control. (“My poetry is like Rohypnol.”) He then began reciting another verse.


Thursday, February 25, 2010

Season 15, Episode 1: Welcome to W.T. Friday's!

A new season of SCANDAL! has begun...this time set in the wild, cutthroat world of the restaurant industry!

Last Week in SCANDAL!
Episode 1: Welcome to W.T. Friday’s!

Michael Cash, manager of the popular restaurant W.T. Friday’s, was holding a meeting with the assistant night shift supervisor Perry Fickler, to discuss the lengthy list of suggestions from Sam Friday (grandson of founder W.T. Friday). Among Sam’s recommendations, he urged them to replace the urinal cakes more often. Michael furiously protested that they couldn’t afford such extravagance, until Perry calmed him down by offering him a Mountain Dew.

Lois, a convict who had been assigned to the salad bar as part of her work-release program, was washing dishes when Santiago the busboy arrived. When Santiago pointed out that she was doing his job, Lois suggested that he just supervise her as she finishes. Thrilled by his unexpected (and unauthorized) promotion to supervisor, Santiago went power-mad and immediately issued a performance evaluation. Lois then began flirting with him.

Nipsey the waitress approached local “street entrepreneur” The Professor to discuss the recent car break-ins in the restaurant parking lot. Outraged that she’d assume he was guilty because he’s homeless, the Professor declared that he didn’t need to steal because he has security, proudly showing her his silver carrying case. When she asked where he got it, he sheepishly admitted “A car.” As Nipsey opened the case, the Professor explained that it was a portable phone from the ’80s. Nipsey was awestruck when she realized it wasn’t just a phone FROM the ’80s…it’s a phone TO the ’80s.

Sam Friday was talking to Pat Anderson, an old-timer customer who remembered Sam’s grandfather W.T. (“He expects a lot of you…and he thinks you’re gonna fail him.”) Sam explained that, even though he didn’t work there and had no actual authority over the restaurant, he still believed that his heritage gave him a say in how it was run. Pat told Sam that he needed to assert himself, and to build himself up by tearing Michael down.

Santiago went to Michael’s office with an evaluation report on Lois. Michael pointed out that not only was Santiago not a supervisor, but a 45-page document on dishwashing was overkill. Michael warned Santiago not to overstep his bounds, or he’d attract the attention of the immigration authorities. He then explained that he had to hold Santiago back for his own good.

The Professor went to Lois for advice, explaining that he wanted very much to be part of the W.T. Friday’s establishment. Lois replied that she wasn’t truly a part of the restaurant, but only a prisoner…and she’d rather be back in her cell than stuck here. They contemplated some way of switching places.

The other customers grew impatient as Nipsey took Pat Anderson’s incredibly long-winded, elaborate order. Fed up, Nipsey told Pat he was getting a hamburger. Pat passive-agressively apologized for making her do her job, then offered to go out to his station wagon and shoot himself. Nipsey told Pat that this was why nobody else ever waits on him, then suggested that he come in on a Tuesday afternoon, when there’s no rush and he can ramble on to his heart’s content.

Sam Friday went to the manager’s office to talk to Perry. Sam believed that Michael was slacking on the job, so he wanted Perry to spy on him. Perry remarked that if he wasn’t so heavily medicated, he would hit Sam for asking him to betray a friend. Sam retorted that Michael was nobody’s friend. Just then, Michael came in and asked them to get out of his office.

Santiago led Lois to her sleeping quarters, prompting her to reminisce about her youth, growing up in a hothouse in Alabama where the flowers bloomed just for her. Her story gradually lulled Santiago to sleep.

Perry went to persuade Nipsey to join him against Sam, but had great difficulty working up the courage to talk to her. He finally got around to telling her about Sam’s “rules,” but Nipsey pointed out that Sam had no standing in the restaurant, so all his suggestions can be ignored. Perry worried that Sam was planning to get rid of Michael one way or another.

Pat was out in the alley, looking for his silver case, when he found the Professor using it as a pillow. Pat woke up the Professor and warned him of the phone’s power. The Professor asked just one favor…he wanted to use the phone to call his past self in the ’80s.. Pat warned him that tampering with the past could have disastrous ramifications, but the Professor pointed out that he already lived in an alley, so how could things get worse?

As Michael walked out to his car, Sam demanded to know where he was going. Michael explained that he was going to pick up urinal cakes, but Sam accused him of going off to sleep on the job. Fed up, Michael handed Sam his car keys and told him to go pick up the cakes himself.

Pat asked Nipsey if there were some way to exile the Professor from the restaurant. Upset, Nipsey declared that the Professor was her mentor. She explained that he kept her safe by walking her to her car at night, and Pat suggested that he could do that for her. They realized that they both just wanted what was best for the restaurant. Then they started singing the “Family Ties” theme.

At the salad bar, Perry pointed out to Lois that she was out of parmesan croutons. She dramatically declared that she would remember and attend to the problem. When Perry asked about her grandiose manner, she explained that she had a theatrical background. He asked her to recommend a play about revenge, prompting her to re-enact a scene from her one-woman show “She’s So Angry.” Perry replied that he meant a REAL play.

Santiago crept into the office, where he found Michael standing over a pool of blood and a pair of shoes. Michael explained that, after Sam pulled out in his car, there was a terrible accident. Michael revealed that he had pulled Sam’s bloody body out of the wreckage, then disposed of it by dissolving it in Clorox. Santiago confessed that he had cut the brakeline to Michael’s car in revenge for Michael’s treatment of him…but he never expected anybody to get hurt, he just thought it would result in a comically slapstick “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.” Bonded by their mutual guilt, Michael and Santiago agreed to keep Sam’s death a secret between them.


Thursday, February 18, 2010

Season 14, Episode 14: The (Long-Overdue) Grand Finale

With the new season of SCANDAL! starting up this week, I just realized that I'd neglected to post the synopsis of last season's final episode. So, better late than never, here it is...

Episode 14: The Grand Finale

Having killed Babs Bunkler and eaten her heart, Sasha now declared herself the leader of the circus. Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Knisions insisted that he was more qualified to run the circus. He demanded that they hold an election to decide who’s in charge. Sasha agreed, and stated that she would gets Stoolts to be her campaign manager. Robbie responded by hiring a campaign manager of his own…namely, Sasha.

Truck Tarkenton, having acquired Sasha’s acrobatic skills when she gave him her hair, was practicing his act. He realized that, though he had the talent, his pants were limiting his movement. The mime Michel Jacquessonne suggested that he take them off…so Truck did so.

Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm was testing his new whip when the CGI robot Viktoria Busliftor came in. After briefly discussing the election (in which Viktoria, not being human, had no vote), Viktoria informed Gunther that she’d had CGI ovaries implanted, but she needed a new programmer to make her a complete woman. Viktoria believed Gunther had the skills to help her.

Deb Henderson was practicing her Lamaze exercises, with Sealman Rushdie acting as her coach. Sealman mused about his own numerous children, whom he’d abandoned to pursue his career. Deb was amazed that a CGI robot could have children, and Sealman responded that there are many things people don’t understand about CGI robots. Sealman informed Deb that there was only one person capable of changing his programming…namely, Deb’s long-estranged mother Delta Burke.

Meeting with Sasha, Stoolts suggested a campaign slogan: “Vote for the Big Ol’ Lesbian.” When Sasha protested that she’s not gay, Stools dismissively replied that she appeals to that demographic. Continuing the theme, Stoolts performed a campaign jingle to the tune of “Closer to Fine.” Suddenly, he was interrupted by the arrival of Delta Burke. Sasha was amazed to see her idol.

SASHA: “I watched Designing Women all the time! That’s how I learned English!”
STOOLTS: “And that’s how I learned to masturbate!”

Truck Tarkenton came to Gunther’s tent for fashion advice to go with his new beautiful hair. As they talked, Gunther discovered a bomb hidden in his tiger’s cage. Truck casually admitted that he was planning to blow up the circus, rather than let it fall apart under either Sasha or Robbie’s control. Gunther realized that acquiring Sasha’s hair had driven Truck mad.

Meanwhile, Robbie was practicing his campaign speech:

ROBBIE: “I know you’re asking yourself, ‘Why would I elect somebody whose middle name is Bad Decisions?’ Well, haven’t you done that twice this millennium?”

His speech was interrupted when Delta Burke entered, declaring that she’d come to take her daughter away from this circus life. Robbie responded by flirtatiously sucking Delta’s fingers.

Deb Henderson and Michel Jacquesson were building a nursery, as Deb told him the story of her youth growing up as a bearded girl in Chatsworth. Michel attempted to help her emotional issues by re-enacting her life in mime. Deb then returned the favor by re-enacting Michel’s incredibly twisted childhood.

Sealman went to Stoolts for advice on what it means to be truly alive. Stoolts told Sealman to think of himself as a piece of fruit. Inspired, Sealman declared “I’m not a Kroger-on-Ponce fruit, I’m a Whole Foods fruit!”

Deb was finally reunited with her mother. Deb explained to Delta that she’d run away to spare Delta the shame of having a hairy daughter.

DELTA: “On a scale of 1 to 100, I hate facial hair on a woman at 99…but I love you 100.”

Delta confessed that she missed Deb so much, she’d given up her acting career to devote her time to figuring out a way to make CGI characters real, just so she could make a CGI duplicate of Deb.

Michel Jacquesson ran into Viktoria Busliftor. Viktoria confessed that she had been avoiding Michel because she was deeply in love with him, even before he joined the circus. In fact, she was the one responsible for all the hits on his website.

Wearing Sasha’s tights and tutu, Truck informed Viktoria that Sasha’s hair was taking over his personality…it had turned him sexy and evil. Viktoria sympathized, having gone through a sex-change himself. Truck clarified that he had not actually changed into a woman.

TRUCK: “I still got a wiener, dawg.”
VIKTORIA: “A dachsund?”

Gunther sought out Michel for help in foiling Truck’s bomb plot. Michel agreed, pulling out his mime wire-cutters.

Delta Burke completed her reprogramming on Sealman, informing him that he was now completely real…though he still would no longer fit in either the human or the sea lion world. She then broke into a song about her knowledge of aquatic mammals. Sealman urged her to reconcile with Deb for the sake of Deb’s child. Delta was shocked that anybody would have sex with Deb.

Robbie was practicing his latest stunt when he accidentally knocked over Truck’s bomb. Michel rushed in and realized he was too late; Robbie had set in motion an elaborate Rube Goldberg-like system that would start the detonation sequence. Robbie urged Michel to save himself, if it comes to that.

Deb rushed into Stoolts’ tent and warned him that a bomb was about to go off. Stoolts assumed this was a metaphor for Deb’s water breaking.

Delta Burke ran into Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm…which was awkward, as they’d had a fling several years back, before she met Gerald McRaney. Delta apologized for turning Gunther gay by breaking up with him. Once again, Gunther insisted that he’s not gay.

Sealman and Viktoria delivered their farewell performance in the center ring, while simultaneously discussing the election. Viktoria realized that, as CGI robots, they could hack into the Deibold system and use the election results to defuse the bomb. They urged the audience to cast their votes now, declaring “Any vote is a vote to defuse.”

Sasha ran into Deb, who was going into labor. As Sasha helped deliver the baby, Gunther rushed in and shouted “Don’t cut that cord! It’s connected to the bomb!”

Truck was in his lair, waiting for the bomb to go off, when Stoolts slowly rushed in to stop him. As Truck gloated that Stoolts would never stop him, Sasha brought in the one weapon that could defeat Truck…Truck’s trusty wrench. Stoolts took the wrench and threw it at Truck’s crotch. A chase ensued, leading to the center ring where everybody was trying to deal with both the bomb and the birth. Gunther dealt the finishing blow to Truck by pulling Sasha’s hair off of his head. As Deb was about to give birth, Robbie urged them to go ahead and cut the cord…we would then throw himself onto the bomb and absorb the blast with his body fat.

SEALMAN: “I don’t want to worry anybody, but is anyone concerned that we’re following a plan by a man named ‘Bad Decisions’?”

Sasha was moved by Robbie’s decision to sacrifice himself, and she declared that he truly was the leader of the circus. Robbie responded with a sarcastic “Well, thanks a lot!” Just then, Deb gave birth and Delta Burke cut the cord. The bomb went off, but Robbie’s body shielded everybody from the blast. The survivors celebrated the new life that had been brought into the world…and with it, a new beginning to the circus.