Episode 13: Introducing Dr. Dynamo
The students were gathered at a memorial service for Miller, who tragically plunged into molten lava during the class trip to Hawaii. (Dustin Pollack also fell into the lava, but as he was only severely burned, nobody was concerned with him.)
At the Crash Pad, “Joe Luderman” (secretly the evil German music teacher Glenn Wilfong) came to see Gwendolyn Pinchot. Gwen told “Joe” that she felt betrayed by the revelation that Joe (the real Joe, that is) was an undercover cop. (“Yes, you can lose trust in someone when they continuously lie to you.”) “Joe” told Gwen that even though his cover was blown, he would continue his work to make the school a better place for her benefit (and only hers).
School custodian Mr. Cook began the sad task of cleaning out Miller’s locker. Hearing a strange noise behind the lockers, Cook investigated and found a secret passage. Following the trail, Cook was surprised to discover the real Joe Luderman lurking in the shadows. Joe explained that, after Mr. Pinchot attempted to kill him, he went even deeper undercover to take out the evil mastermind behind everything…Glenn Wilfong.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer and Mr. Huggins were panicking, knowing that they, as the chaperones, would be blamed for Miller’s death. Munsen-Meyer came up with a plan: She had brought Miller’s remains over in her luggage, and she could persuade her coroner friend to declare that Miller actually died of a heart attack before he fell in the volcano. Excited by the danger, Huggins once again felt those romantic sparks reignite. He asked Munsen-Meyer to finally tell him her first name, and she did: Vivian.
On the roof, Gwen told the jealous Todd Schrader that she had only kissed “Joe” to thank him for saving her father from Wilfong. She went on to explain that even those feelings of gratitude had vanished when she learned he was a narc. Todd suddenly remembered that he’d heard the name “Joe Luderman” before: there was a Joe Luderman who served with his father, General Rip Schrader.
Principal Spoon stopped by Mr. Huggins’ classroom and offered him some Brazilian Clambeaver coffee (made from beans that had passed through the digestive systems of Brazilian Clambeavers), just to soften Huggins up before confronting him about Miller’s death. Huggins claimed that Miller had been eating fatty foods throughout the trip, then suddenly clutched his chest and fell into the lava. Spoon found this scenario plausible.
Wilfong was snooping around Miller’s van when Mr. Cook discovered him. Cook quizzed “Joe” on his history in an attempt to make him give away his true identity, until Wilfong got fed up and pulled out his gun. Cook tried to grab it with a jumper-cable clip, but the gun slipped out of its jaws.
In her office, Munsen-Meyer was preparing Miller’s body for her coroner friend when Principal Spoon stopped by to offer her some coffee.
Todd Schrader was kicking the ball around on the athletic field when the real Joe Luderman arrived. Todd recognized Joe from his dad’s military records, and Joe replied that he had a special message from General Schrader…a hug. Todd had never experienced such warmth from his father, even if it was coming by proxy. Joe then explained the reason General Schrader had sent him: the Brazilian government was producing Adolf Hitler clones and sending them into American public schools. Todd agreed to help take down the clone.
Principal Spoon was back by the dumpsters, searching for clues in Miller’s death, when the long-absent Assistant Coach Damon arrived. Spoon brought Damon up to date on recent events. Enraged by the news of Miller’s death, Damon declared that there was only one person who could help…Dr. Dynamo!
Now that he had turned heterosexual, Mr. Huggins asked “Joe” for some romantic advice. “Joe” gave him a few pick-up lines, then suggested that he offer the ladies some aphrodisiac Brazilian Clambeaver coffee.
Gwen was wistfully gazing at Miller’s locker when the real Joe Luderman arrived. She was confused by his new haircut, then looked in his eyes and realized he wasn’t the same Joe that she’d been giving her heart to these past few weeks. Joe informed her that Mr. Wilfong had been impersonating him, and Gwen broke down in hysterics. (“I’ve been through so much this semester!”)
Ms. Munsen-Meyer was cleaning up the last of Miller’s remains with a lint roller when Dr. Dynamo (Assistant Coach Damon’s gold-helmeted super-heroic alter ego) burst in, followed by Principal Spoon. Dr. Dynamo questioned Munsen-Meyer about Miller’s death, but she stuck to her heart-attack story. Todd Schrader stopped in for his guidance-counselor appointment, and was awestruck to see his hero. After five hours of fruitless interrogation, Dr. Dynamo suddenly noticed the lint roller; his powers detected teenage DNA on it.
Up on the roof, Mr. Cook and Todd Schrader were discussing the bizarre recent events and the need to get rid of Mr. Wilfong. Cook suggested that Todd put aside his differences with his father and get General Schrader to call in a precision airstrike on a three-foot radius around Wilfong. Todd preferred to settle matters himself man-to-man, but Cook warned him that all Brazilians are bred for fisticuffs, even that lady greeter at the Wal-Mart.
Wilfong was plotting in his sub-basement hideout when Joe, Todd and Cook burst in. Wilfong and Joe scuffled until Todd could no longer tell them apart. Eventually, Todd settled his confusion by shooting the real Joe in the foot, then challenged Wilfong to a fistfight. A slow-motion Matrix-style fight ensued. As Wilfong was about to finish off Todd, Gwen entered and confronted Wilfong about his deception. Confused by her rejection, Wilfong hesitated long enough for Mr. Cook to apply the jumper-cable claw to his crotch…then yank it off.
NEXT WEEK: Gwen announces the bands for the prom.
Showing posts with label mr. wilfong. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mr. wilfong. Show all posts
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Season 8, Episode 12: The Jumping-the-Shark Hawaii Episode
Episode 12: The Jumping-the-Shark Hawaii Episode
Five lucky students (accompanied by Mr. Huggins and Ms. Munsen-Meyer) were chosen for an exchange program with Little Five Volcanoes High in Hawaii. They were greeted by the L5V student council president, Leilotti. Ms. Munsen-Meyer cautioned the students to be on their best behavior, warning them that sharks are attracted to the scent of sex.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer stopped by the office of L5V principal Lou Wana’a’a’a to discuss the students’ itinerary. Suddenly, a rainstorm broke out, threatening to strand everybody indoors for the entire trip.
Leilotti introduced herself to Owen Tasker, explaining that she was the school’s most popular, wealthiest, and bustiest student. Realizing that Leilotti was a Hawaiian mirror-image of Sterling, Owen was immediately attracted. Leilotti continued by confessing that her boyfriend broke up with her because she was saving her virginity, and Owen lost interest. She mentioned that she was reconsidering; Owen regained interest.
Sterling Schremerhorn and Gwendolyn Pinchot met their new Hawaiian teacher, the bare-chested, face-painted houngan Maui Zartan.
Dustin Pollack was walking along the side of the volcano when he ran into Miller, who had made his own way to Hawaii by becoming the new mascot for Little Five Volcanoes High. Miller angrily asked how Dustin managed to beat him out of the Hawaii civics competition, and Dustin gave a demonstration of his dance moves.
“Joe Luderman” (a.k.a. Glenn Wilfong, the evil German music teacher) and Mr. Huggins were out walking on the beach. Huggins marveled at the majesty and beauty of Hawaii, remarking that it made his own existence feel small and pathetic. “Joe” pointed out that Huggins’ existence WAS small and pathetic. Huggins resolved to change that immediately.
At the local hangout, The Harbor Pearl, Gwen was cleaning up out of habit. Principal Wana’a’a’a stopped in and urged her to go out and experience the wonders of Hawaii: sushi, sake, and karaoke. He sang the Hawaiian Bender Song.
In his secret cave lair under the volcano, Maui Zartan devised a plan to turn the students into müles for his drüg-rünning operation. He called in his servant Leilotti and gave her “fourteen munites” to put all of the visitors under her spell. A montage followed Leilotti as she seduced and/or charmed all the students, depending on their genders and orientations.
Mr. Huggins and Ms. Munsen-Meyer were relaxing in the lounge. They realized that they had no idea where the kids were…but the spirit of Hawaii kept them from worrying about it.
Hungover from his bender, Principal Wana’a’a’a asked Leilotti where the other students were. She replied that her wealthy father had invited them on a sandcastle-building excursion to the neighboring island, Honokuku.
Maui Zartan gloated over his captives in his cave, ordering them to chain themselves to the wall. Zartan tortured them by tossing sushi into their mouths, and “Joe” began critiquing his torture techniques. To demonstrate the proper procedure, “Joe” switched places with Zartan, then stabbed him. However, Zartan’s magic prevented the blade from piercing his skin (though he remarked that it would leave a nasty bruise). Suddenly, Zartan recognized “Joe” as the undercover cop who’d been plaguing his operation.
In the hotel lounge, Huggins and Munsen-Meyer were enjoying a show by Don Ho. Suddenly, Principal Wana’a’a’a burst in with the news that the students were missing. Sensing a disturbance in the Hawaiian Force, Don Ho agreed to put aside his differences with Wana’a’a’a and help find them.
Searching alongside the side of the volcano, Miller noticed a single set of footprints: his own. Realizing that he’d been going in a circle, Miller began to despair when he heard the voice of Jesus explaining that those footprints were from when He was carrying Miller. Miller suddenly noticed a trail of white objects leading to the cave.
Trapped in a cell with Owen, Sterling explained that she’d left a Hansel-and-Gretel trail of her tampons, so hopefully somebody would rescue them soon. Fearing that they wouldn’t make it out alive, Owen had two confessions for Sterling: (1) He loves her, and (2) he killed Lewis von Kemia. Sterling was stunned, as she thought that SHE had killed Lewis. Owen explained that, while Sterling did run him over with the driver’s-ed car, he actually finished Lewis off in the hospital.
Left alone with “Joe,” Zartan revealed that he’d seen through the “Joe Luderman” disguise and recognized his old cohort Glenn Wilfong. They reminisced about their past capers, flashing back to the time Zartan got a snakebite on his penis and Wilfong had to suck out the poison. Back in the present, Wilfong agreed to help Zartan with his drug-smuggling plan, on the condition that Zartan leave Gwen out of it. Zartan refused, saying that he’d chosen Gwen for his personal slave.
On the beach, Munsen-Meyer invited Huggins to experiment with heterosexuality.
Miller burst into one of the underground caves, where Gwen explained that they’d been captured by Maui Zartan. Miller recognized the name, and swore to settle the score.
Rushing to the rescue, Don Ho informed Principal Wana’a’a’a that the students could be saved by a sacrifice to the volcano god. As they discussed which of them would sacrifice themselves, a snake suddenly bit Don Ho on the crotch.
Torn between his commitment to evil and his love for Gwen, Wilfong sang a song about his miserable existence as an Adolf Hitler clone.
Maui Zartan brought Owen, Sterling, and Dustin to the edge of the molten volcano, trying to decide which of them to sacrifice. Owen settled the matter by throwing Dustin into the lava. Suddenly, Miller rushed in to the rescue, followed immediately by Gwen, Wana’a’a’a, Don Ho, and Leilotti. Distracted by Leilotti’s hotness, Miller forgot his mission of vengeance long enough for Zartan to activate a detonator, sending Miller plunging into the volcano. As Zartan gloated, Sterling grabbed his mystical staff and compelled Zartan to throw himself in as well.
NEXT WEEK: Sterling’s deep, dark secret.
Five lucky students (accompanied by Mr. Huggins and Ms. Munsen-Meyer) were chosen for an exchange program with Little Five Volcanoes High in Hawaii. They were greeted by the L5V student council president, Leilotti. Ms. Munsen-Meyer cautioned the students to be on their best behavior, warning them that sharks are attracted to the scent of sex.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer stopped by the office of L5V principal Lou Wana’a’a’a to discuss the students’ itinerary. Suddenly, a rainstorm broke out, threatening to strand everybody indoors for the entire trip.
Leilotti introduced herself to Owen Tasker, explaining that she was the school’s most popular, wealthiest, and bustiest student. Realizing that Leilotti was a Hawaiian mirror-image of Sterling, Owen was immediately attracted. Leilotti continued by confessing that her boyfriend broke up with her because she was saving her virginity, and Owen lost interest. She mentioned that she was reconsidering; Owen regained interest.
Sterling Schremerhorn and Gwendolyn Pinchot met their new Hawaiian teacher, the bare-chested, face-painted houngan Maui Zartan.
Dustin Pollack was walking along the side of the volcano when he ran into Miller, who had made his own way to Hawaii by becoming the new mascot for Little Five Volcanoes High. Miller angrily asked how Dustin managed to beat him out of the Hawaii civics competition, and Dustin gave a demonstration of his dance moves.
“Joe Luderman” (a.k.a. Glenn Wilfong, the evil German music teacher) and Mr. Huggins were out walking on the beach. Huggins marveled at the majesty and beauty of Hawaii, remarking that it made his own existence feel small and pathetic. “Joe” pointed out that Huggins’ existence WAS small and pathetic. Huggins resolved to change that immediately.
At the local hangout, The Harbor Pearl, Gwen was cleaning up out of habit. Principal Wana’a’a’a stopped in and urged her to go out and experience the wonders of Hawaii: sushi, sake, and karaoke. He sang the Hawaiian Bender Song.
In his secret cave lair under the volcano, Maui Zartan devised a plan to turn the students into müles for his drüg-rünning operation. He called in his servant Leilotti and gave her “fourteen munites” to put all of the visitors under her spell. A montage followed Leilotti as she seduced and/or charmed all the students, depending on their genders and orientations.
Mr. Huggins and Ms. Munsen-Meyer were relaxing in the lounge. They realized that they had no idea where the kids were…but the spirit of Hawaii kept them from worrying about it.
Hungover from his bender, Principal Wana’a’a’a asked Leilotti where the other students were. She replied that her wealthy father had invited them on a sandcastle-building excursion to the neighboring island, Honokuku.
Maui Zartan gloated over his captives in his cave, ordering them to chain themselves to the wall. Zartan tortured them by tossing sushi into their mouths, and “Joe” began critiquing his torture techniques. To demonstrate the proper procedure, “Joe” switched places with Zartan, then stabbed him. However, Zartan’s magic prevented the blade from piercing his skin (though he remarked that it would leave a nasty bruise). Suddenly, Zartan recognized “Joe” as the undercover cop who’d been plaguing his operation.
In the hotel lounge, Huggins and Munsen-Meyer were enjoying a show by Don Ho. Suddenly, Principal Wana’a’a’a burst in with the news that the students were missing. Sensing a disturbance in the Hawaiian Force, Don Ho agreed to put aside his differences with Wana’a’a’a and help find them.
Searching alongside the side of the volcano, Miller noticed a single set of footprints: his own. Realizing that he’d been going in a circle, Miller began to despair when he heard the voice of Jesus explaining that those footprints were from when He was carrying Miller. Miller suddenly noticed a trail of white objects leading to the cave.
Trapped in a cell with Owen, Sterling explained that she’d left a Hansel-and-Gretel trail of her tampons, so hopefully somebody would rescue them soon. Fearing that they wouldn’t make it out alive, Owen had two confessions for Sterling: (1) He loves her, and (2) he killed Lewis von Kemia. Sterling was stunned, as she thought that SHE had killed Lewis. Owen explained that, while Sterling did run him over with the driver’s-ed car, he actually finished Lewis off in the hospital.
Left alone with “Joe,” Zartan revealed that he’d seen through the “Joe Luderman” disguise and recognized his old cohort Glenn Wilfong. They reminisced about their past capers, flashing back to the time Zartan got a snakebite on his penis and Wilfong had to suck out the poison. Back in the present, Wilfong agreed to help Zartan with his drug-smuggling plan, on the condition that Zartan leave Gwen out of it. Zartan refused, saying that he’d chosen Gwen for his personal slave.
On the beach, Munsen-Meyer invited Huggins to experiment with heterosexuality.
Miller burst into one of the underground caves, where Gwen explained that they’d been captured by Maui Zartan. Miller recognized the name, and swore to settle the score.
Rushing to the rescue, Don Ho informed Principal Wana’a’a’a that the students could be saved by a sacrifice to the volcano god. As they discussed which of them would sacrifice themselves, a snake suddenly bit Don Ho on the crotch.
Torn between his commitment to evil and his love for Gwen, Wilfong sang a song about his miserable existence as an Adolf Hitler clone.
Maui Zartan brought Owen, Sterling, and Dustin to the edge of the molten volcano, trying to decide which of them to sacrifice. Owen settled the matter by throwing Dustin into the lava. Suddenly, Miller rushed in to the rescue, followed immediately by Gwen, Wana’a’a’a, Don Ho, and Leilotti. Distracted by Leilotti’s hotness, Miller forgot his mission of vengeance long enough for Zartan to activate a detonator, sending Miller plunging into the volcano. As Zartan gloated, Sterling grabbed his mystical staff and compelled Zartan to throw himself in as well.
NEXT WEEK: Sterling’s deep, dark secret.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Season 8, Episode 11: Adios, Fuego
Episode 11: Adios, Fuego
Principal Spoon announced that the five students who earn the most credits for civic activities will get to visit Hawaii as part of an exchange program.
Mr. Pinchot had joined the school teaching staff, and was giving Sterling Schremerhorn a lesson in agriculture (with help from Fuego the duck). Sterling was looking forward to working on the school farm and earning credits for Hawaii.
Owen Tasker returned from Leadership Camp, clad only in a Speedo in anticipation of going to Hawaii. Principal Spoon told Owen about the school’s new library, and offered him a position as Librarian. Owen revealed his plan to replace the Dewey Decimal System with straightforward alphabetical order.
Gwen Pinchot was cleaning up at the Crash Pad when a mysterious message blew in: “Nothing is as it seems, especially family.” “Joe Luderman” (a.k.a. Glenn Wilfong) arrived, and Gwen gave him a basket of flowers and cookies to thank “Joe” from saving her from Wilfong. Overcome by her present, “Joe” declared “No one has ever given me anything before…of their own free will. I’ve gotta go! I’m feeling…EMOTIONS!”
Miller was blowing soap bubbles in hopes of earning civic credits for beautifying the school. Todd arrived, and they discussed the Hawaii competition and the prospect of smoking some “Maui Wowee.” Todd told Miller that he was now in love with Miller’s ex-girlfriend Gwen. Miller congratulated him, then pontificated on the dismal outlook of the typical high school relationship.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer was reflecting on the loss of her family fortune, when Principal Spoon entered and asked what was wrong. Unable to talk about her own problems, Munsen-Meyer pulled out her “Granny Munsen-Meyer” puppet to explain the situation. Spoon told her that the puppet was a crutch, and suggested that she face reality the way he did…with bourbon.
Owen Tasker broke into Principal Spoon’s office to doctor the records and give himself more civic credits. Suddenly, Mr. Pinchot burst in, sobbing hysterically and clutching a handful of feathers. In his despair, Pinchot started throwing furniture around. Principal Spoon arrived and witnessed the bizarre scene…then left without saying a word.
In the cafeteria, Todd told Gwen that he planned to win that trip to Hawaii and bring her along…but in order to do that, he’d need to become his old football-jock self again. Gwen appreciated his sacrifice, but didn’t know whether she could deal with the old Todd. At that moment, Ms. Munsen-Meyer entered and asked if they’d tried the roast duck.
“Joe”/Wilfong was in his dungeon when he discovered a mysterious message: “You may have the body, but I still have the brain.” His mind-controlled slave, the Fighting Panhandler (a.k.a. Mr. Pinchot) arrived, still clutching the duck feathers. Wilfong ordered the Panhandler to find him a Hallmark card to win Gwen’s heart.
On the school farm, a tearful Sterling Schremerhorn informed Miller that she’d accidentally run over Fuego the duck with the driver’s-ed car, just as she’d done with Lewis von Kemia and Coach Gooch. (Miller: “Woman, how many things in this school are you gonna kill?”) Miller suggested that they frame somebody else, like Gwen. Recovering her composure, Sterling told Miller about her idea to earn civic credits: Starting a program where students pledge not to drink or have sex during the prom. Miller replied that this was against everything the prom stands for.
Todd, having cut his hair and resumed his jock image, met with Principal Spoon. In return for his football prowess, Todd demanded 25 civics points. Spoon struggled with the ethical dilemma of this extortion, then gave him the points.
Gwen was in her apartment when the Fighting Panhandler knocked on the door. When the Panhandler broke down crying, she asked him to remove his mask so she could look into his real eyes. Gwen was dumbstruck when the Panhandler revealed himself as her father.
In detention, Ms. Munsen-Meyer confronted “Joe” about his records from his previous school. To explain himself, “Joe” sang a song about his scholastic resumé. She replied that she didn’t believe he was a high-school student, citing his five-o’clock shadow, his low-hanging balls, and his gray hair. He started to sing a song explaining himself.
Miller informed Principal Spoon that he knew who killed Fuego (and several of the other farm animals): Gwen Pinchot. Miller accused Gwen of deliberately running down adorable animals for sport. However, Spoon revealed that he knew Gwen was working at the Crash Pad at the time of Fuego’s death.
Owen Tasker found the unmasked Panhandler/Pinchot curled up in the fetal position in the teachers’ lounge. Pinchot explained that he blacked out in Spoon’s office, then woke up in this ridiculous outfit. Owen realized that Pinchot was under somebody’s mind-control, and offered to help him find the culprit…in exchange for civic points.
Todd told Gwen that he had enough points for them both to go to Hawaii, but Gwen had more urgent news: She’d discovered that her father was the Fighting Panhandler…and when she looked into his eyes, they were blank. She told Todd that his change of image was just too much for her to take on top of everything else. At that moment, “Joe” arrived and gave Gwen a rose.
Sterling Schremerhorn told Ms. Munsen-Meyer about her “Prom Promise” program, and Munsen-Meyer told her a cautionary tale about her own prom, at which she drank an entire bottle of Seagram’s 7 and woke up sore in a dumpster behind a Hyatt Regency.
Principal Spoon announced the five winners of the civic competition: Todd Schrader, Owen Tasker, Joe Luderman, Sterling Schremerhorn, and the never-before-seen Dustin Pollack. Angrily, Todd announced that he was giving his trip to Gwen so that she could have sex with Joe.
NEXT WEEK: The Jumping-the-Shark Hawaii Episode.
Principal Spoon announced that the five students who earn the most credits for civic activities will get to visit Hawaii as part of an exchange program.
Mr. Pinchot had joined the school teaching staff, and was giving Sterling Schremerhorn a lesson in agriculture (with help from Fuego the duck). Sterling was looking forward to working on the school farm and earning credits for Hawaii.
Owen Tasker returned from Leadership Camp, clad only in a Speedo in anticipation of going to Hawaii. Principal Spoon told Owen about the school’s new library, and offered him a position as Librarian. Owen revealed his plan to replace the Dewey Decimal System with straightforward alphabetical order.
Gwen Pinchot was cleaning up at the Crash Pad when a mysterious message blew in: “Nothing is as it seems, especially family.” “Joe Luderman” (a.k.a. Glenn Wilfong) arrived, and Gwen gave him a basket of flowers and cookies to thank “Joe” from saving her from Wilfong. Overcome by her present, “Joe” declared “No one has ever given me anything before…of their own free will. I’ve gotta go! I’m feeling…EMOTIONS!”
Miller was blowing soap bubbles in hopes of earning civic credits for beautifying the school. Todd arrived, and they discussed the Hawaii competition and the prospect of smoking some “Maui Wowee.” Todd told Miller that he was now in love with Miller’s ex-girlfriend Gwen. Miller congratulated him, then pontificated on the dismal outlook of the typical high school relationship.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer was reflecting on the loss of her family fortune, when Principal Spoon entered and asked what was wrong. Unable to talk about her own problems, Munsen-Meyer pulled out her “Granny Munsen-Meyer” puppet to explain the situation. Spoon told her that the puppet was a crutch, and suggested that she face reality the way he did…with bourbon.
Owen Tasker broke into Principal Spoon’s office to doctor the records and give himself more civic credits. Suddenly, Mr. Pinchot burst in, sobbing hysterically and clutching a handful of feathers. In his despair, Pinchot started throwing furniture around. Principal Spoon arrived and witnessed the bizarre scene…then left without saying a word.
In the cafeteria, Todd told Gwen that he planned to win that trip to Hawaii and bring her along…but in order to do that, he’d need to become his old football-jock self again. Gwen appreciated his sacrifice, but didn’t know whether she could deal with the old Todd. At that moment, Ms. Munsen-Meyer entered and asked if they’d tried the roast duck.
“Joe”/Wilfong was in his dungeon when he discovered a mysterious message: “You may have the body, but I still have the brain.” His mind-controlled slave, the Fighting Panhandler (a.k.a. Mr. Pinchot) arrived, still clutching the duck feathers. Wilfong ordered the Panhandler to find him a Hallmark card to win Gwen’s heart.
On the school farm, a tearful Sterling Schremerhorn informed Miller that she’d accidentally run over Fuego the duck with the driver’s-ed car, just as she’d done with Lewis von Kemia and Coach Gooch. (Miller: “Woman, how many things in this school are you gonna kill?”) Miller suggested that they frame somebody else, like Gwen. Recovering her composure, Sterling told Miller about her idea to earn civic credits: Starting a program where students pledge not to drink or have sex during the prom. Miller replied that this was against everything the prom stands for.
Todd, having cut his hair and resumed his jock image, met with Principal Spoon. In return for his football prowess, Todd demanded 25 civics points. Spoon struggled with the ethical dilemma of this extortion, then gave him the points.
Gwen was in her apartment when the Fighting Panhandler knocked on the door. When the Panhandler broke down crying, she asked him to remove his mask so she could look into his real eyes. Gwen was dumbstruck when the Panhandler revealed himself as her father.
In detention, Ms. Munsen-Meyer confronted “Joe” about his records from his previous school. To explain himself, “Joe” sang a song about his scholastic resumé. She replied that she didn’t believe he was a high-school student, citing his five-o’clock shadow, his low-hanging balls, and his gray hair. He started to sing a song explaining himself.
Miller informed Principal Spoon that he knew who killed Fuego (and several of the other farm animals): Gwen Pinchot. Miller accused Gwen of deliberately running down adorable animals for sport. However, Spoon revealed that he knew Gwen was working at the Crash Pad at the time of Fuego’s death.
Owen Tasker found the unmasked Panhandler/Pinchot curled up in the fetal position in the teachers’ lounge. Pinchot explained that he blacked out in Spoon’s office, then woke up in this ridiculous outfit. Owen realized that Pinchot was under somebody’s mind-control, and offered to help him find the culprit…in exchange for civic points.
Todd told Gwen that he had enough points for them both to go to Hawaii, but Gwen had more urgent news: She’d discovered that her father was the Fighting Panhandler…and when she looked into his eyes, they were blank. She told Todd that his change of image was just too much for her to take on top of everything else. At that moment, “Joe” arrived and gave Gwen a rose.
Sterling Schremerhorn told Ms. Munsen-Meyer about her “Prom Promise” program, and Munsen-Meyer told her a cautionary tale about her own prom, at which she drank an entire bottle of Seagram’s 7 and woke up sore in a dumpster behind a Hyatt Regency.
Principal Spoon announced the five winners of the civic competition: Todd Schrader, Owen Tasker, Joe Luderman, Sterling Schremerhorn, and the never-before-seen Dustin Pollack. Angrily, Todd announced that he was giving his trip to Gwen so that she could have sex with Joe.
NEXT WEEK: The Jumping-the-Shark Hawaii Episode.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Season 8, Episode 10: Clem and Clytemnestra
Episode 10: Clem and Clytemnestra
The school’s new driving instructor, Coach Gooch, was giving a lesson to Sterling Schremerhorn. Sterling was very hesitant, since her last driving lesson had ended with her running over Lewis von Kemia. Her nervousness wasn’t helped by the fact that Gooch kept touching her on the shoulder.
Principal Spoon met with Todd Schrader to discuss Todd’s absenteeism from football practice. Todd explained that he’d had a revelation and realized that football was for “chowders.” He was through with athletics, and was now studying philosophy and life from a homeless man in an underpass. Spoon warned Todd that he’d be expelled unless he returned to the team.
Gwendolyn Pinchot was cleaning up at the Crash Pad when Joe Luderman (now bearing a strange resemblance to the evil German music teacher Mr. Wilfong) arrived. Gwen thanked “Joe” for killing Mr. Wilfong and freeing him from his influence. She told “Joe” that she’d do anything to repay him.
Vivian Munsen-Meyer and Miller were preparing for the arrival of her parents, Thaddeus and Clytemnestra Munsen-Meyer. When the Munsen-Meyers arrived, Miller put on a British accent to make a good first impression, but blew it when he mistook Mrs. Munsen-Meyer for H.R. Pufnstuf.
Principal Spoon called in the female students for a discussion about sexual harassment and inappropriate behavior. Sterling suddenly realized that this was exactly was Coach Gooch was doing.
Coach Gooch was giving a driving lesson to Todd, who was so disinterested that he never even touched the steering wheel. Gooch asked Todd to return to football practice, explaining that the team needs him. Todd realized that he’d never felt needed before.
“Joe” was eating in the cafeteria when Sterling sat down and started flirting with him. Wilfong was amazed that the girls were all over him now that his head was on a new body. Sterling asked “Joe” to nominate her for Homecoming Queen, but explained that he’d have to join the football team in order to make the nomination. He agreed to try out.
Principal Spoon was giving the Munsen-Meyers a tour of the school, hoping to get funding for a new library. In order to put them in a better, more generous mood, Spoon convinced them that their daughter’s fiancé was actually the school’s vice-principal and not a mere student.
Later, in his office, Spoon told Miller about his deception. He gave Miller a lesson in acting like a school official, singing a “My Fair Lady”-style instructive number.
Settling in at his daughter’s home, Thaddeus Munsen-Meyer reminded her that their fortune would go to their first child who got married. She replied that she didn’t think that her brother Vance was likely to ever marry, but Thaddeus pointed out that Vance was considering a sex-change operation.
Todd told Gwen that he had drawn a picture of his inner pain, then ate the picture so it would be a part of him (for a couple of hours, at least). She complimented Todd on being even more disturbed than her. They had a musical montage of teen angst.
“Joe” approached Coach Gooch to ask to try out for the football team, though he found it hard to concentrate due to the distraction of Gooch’s constant sunflower-seed spitting.
“Vice-Principal” Miller addressed the student assembly, promising a new school library. When one student booed the idea of a library, Miller pulled that dissenter, Clem Johannesburg, up to the podium. Miller announced that the reason for Clem’s disapproval was the shameful fact that Clem couldn’t read. Miller declared that the very library Clem booed was the one thing that could help him. Moved by Miller’s speech and actions, the Munsen-Meyers signed the contract authorizing the new library.
Principal Spoon called in Coach Gooch to discuss his inappropriate behavior, the wrecking of the driver’s-ed cars, and the mass of sunflower seeds on the floor. Spoon informed Gooch that he’d be fired unless he undid all the damage he’d cause. A musical montage followed Gooch as he went back and “untouched” the students.
SPOON: “Hold it! Stop the montage! You’re just touching them AGAIN!”
Sterling Schremerhorn and “Joe” were in the driver’s-ed van, with Gooch in the backseat. “Joe” got rid of Gooch by sending him out for sunflower seeds, then told Sterling to drive away quickly. Sterling offered to take “Joe” to O’Charley’s, but their conversation was derailed by Gooch chasing after them. “Joe” had Sterling stop the van, then he got out and confronted Gooch about his perpetual cock-blocking. Sterling accidentally put the van in drive, running over Coach Gooch.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer asked Gwen for some advice regarding her impending marriage, since Munsen-Meyer was still a virgin and Gwen was the most sexually-experienced student she knew. Gwen informed Munsen-Meyer that she wouldn’t necessarily have to sacrifice her virginity, since Miller usually gets drunk and passes out halfway through. Munsen-Meyer imagined herself as a virgin monarch, like Queen Elizabeth…wearing white make-up and scaring people.
Thaddeus Munsen-Meyer informed his daughter that her brother Vance had just had his sex-change operation and married an aborigine, which meant that he got the family fortune. As Vivian became hysterical over her lost inheritance, Miller calmed her down with a lesson from “Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan”: “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.” Miller pointed out that her personal fortune was unimportant compared to her parents’ funding of the new library. Miller declared that the school was already a better place thanks to them…already, Clem was learning to read Dr. Seuss.
NEXT WEEK: Gwen gets a new catchphrase.
The school’s new driving instructor, Coach Gooch, was giving a lesson to Sterling Schremerhorn. Sterling was very hesitant, since her last driving lesson had ended with her running over Lewis von Kemia. Her nervousness wasn’t helped by the fact that Gooch kept touching her on the shoulder.
Principal Spoon met with Todd Schrader to discuss Todd’s absenteeism from football practice. Todd explained that he’d had a revelation and realized that football was for “chowders.” He was through with athletics, and was now studying philosophy and life from a homeless man in an underpass. Spoon warned Todd that he’d be expelled unless he returned to the team.
Gwendolyn Pinchot was cleaning up at the Crash Pad when Joe Luderman (now bearing a strange resemblance to the evil German music teacher Mr. Wilfong) arrived. Gwen thanked “Joe” for killing Mr. Wilfong and freeing him from his influence. She told “Joe” that she’d do anything to repay him.
Vivian Munsen-Meyer and Miller were preparing for the arrival of her parents, Thaddeus and Clytemnestra Munsen-Meyer. When the Munsen-Meyers arrived, Miller put on a British accent to make a good first impression, but blew it when he mistook Mrs. Munsen-Meyer for H.R. Pufnstuf.
Principal Spoon called in the female students for a discussion about sexual harassment and inappropriate behavior. Sterling suddenly realized that this was exactly was Coach Gooch was doing.
Coach Gooch was giving a driving lesson to Todd, who was so disinterested that he never even touched the steering wheel. Gooch asked Todd to return to football practice, explaining that the team needs him. Todd realized that he’d never felt needed before.
“Joe” was eating in the cafeteria when Sterling sat down and started flirting with him. Wilfong was amazed that the girls were all over him now that his head was on a new body. Sterling asked “Joe” to nominate her for Homecoming Queen, but explained that he’d have to join the football team in order to make the nomination. He agreed to try out.
Principal Spoon was giving the Munsen-Meyers a tour of the school, hoping to get funding for a new library. In order to put them in a better, more generous mood, Spoon convinced them that their daughter’s fiancé was actually the school’s vice-principal and not a mere student.
Later, in his office, Spoon told Miller about his deception. He gave Miller a lesson in acting like a school official, singing a “My Fair Lady”-style instructive number.
Settling in at his daughter’s home, Thaddeus Munsen-Meyer reminded her that their fortune would go to their first child who got married. She replied that she didn’t think that her brother Vance was likely to ever marry, but Thaddeus pointed out that Vance was considering a sex-change operation.
Todd told Gwen that he had drawn a picture of his inner pain, then ate the picture so it would be a part of him (for a couple of hours, at least). She complimented Todd on being even more disturbed than her. They had a musical montage of teen angst.
“Joe” approached Coach Gooch to ask to try out for the football team, though he found it hard to concentrate due to the distraction of Gooch’s constant sunflower-seed spitting.
“Vice-Principal” Miller addressed the student assembly, promising a new school library. When one student booed the idea of a library, Miller pulled that dissenter, Clem Johannesburg, up to the podium. Miller announced that the reason for Clem’s disapproval was the shameful fact that Clem couldn’t read. Miller declared that the very library Clem booed was the one thing that could help him. Moved by Miller’s speech and actions, the Munsen-Meyers signed the contract authorizing the new library.
Principal Spoon called in Coach Gooch to discuss his inappropriate behavior, the wrecking of the driver’s-ed cars, and the mass of sunflower seeds on the floor. Spoon informed Gooch that he’d be fired unless he undid all the damage he’d cause. A musical montage followed Gooch as he went back and “untouched” the students.
SPOON: “Hold it! Stop the montage! You’re just touching them AGAIN!”
Sterling Schremerhorn and “Joe” were in the driver’s-ed van, with Gooch in the backseat. “Joe” got rid of Gooch by sending him out for sunflower seeds, then told Sterling to drive away quickly. Sterling offered to take “Joe” to O’Charley’s, but their conversation was derailed by Gooch chasing after them. “Joe” had Sterling stop the van, then he got out and confronted Gooch about his perpetual cock-blocking. Sterling accidentally put the van in drive, running over Coach Gooch.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer asked Gwen for some advice regarding her impending marriage, since Munsen-Meyer was still a virgin and Gwen was the most sexually-experienced student she knew. Gwen informed Munsen-Meyer that she wouldn’t necessarily have to sacrifice her virginity, since Miller usually gets drunk and passes out halfway through. Munsen-Meyer imagined herself as a virgin monarch, like Queen Elizabeth…wearing white make-up and scaring people.
Thaddeus Munsen-Meyer informed his daughter that her brother Vance had just had his sex-change operation and married an aborigine, which meant that he got the family fortune. As Vivian became hysterical over her lost inheritance, Miller calmed her down with a lesson from “Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan”: “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.” Miller pointed out that her personal fortune was unimportant compared to her parents’ funding of the new library. Miller declared that the school was already a better place thanks to them…already, Clem was learning to read Dr. Seuss.
NEXT WEEK: Gwen gets a new catchphrase.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Season 8, Episode 9: They Saved Wilfong's Brain
Episode 9: They Saved Wilfong’s Brain
Principal Spoon called a meeting of the students to teach them responsibility: He handed out hot dogs to all the students, telling them that those hot dogs were now their “babies.” Any student who mistreats, neglects, or eats their “baby” will be expelled.
Todd Schrader (sporting a new grunge-rock look) and Joe Luderman noticed a mysterious box in the science lab labeled “Owen Tasker’s Science Project: Don’t Touch!” Defiantly, they touched it.
Miller and Ms. Munsen-Meyer were in Miller’s van, discussing their impending marriage. She told Miller that if he cleaned up a little and impressed her parents, she stood to inherit the Munsen-Meyer oyster and tartar sauce empire.
With Assistant Coach Damon out of town, the substitute gym teacher Edna Puddlemaker introduced herself to Sterling Schremerhorn. Edna noticed that Sterling was carrying a hot dog, so Sterling explained about Spoon’s project. Edna was outraged that the principal would force teenage girls to handle phallic objects.
Gwendolyn Pinchot and her father (and Fuego the duck) were talking on the roof. Apologetically, he explained that he’d have to leave again to take care his brother Buddy, who was gravely injured and left mute when Mr. Pinchot accidentally backed over him in the driveway. Mr. Pinchot sang a public service announcement about always checking the rear-view mirror.
Mr. Huggins barged into Principal Spoon’s office, furious about Spoon’s “parenthood” experiment. Huggins was angry that Spoon had divided the students into boy-girl pairs, thus denying any same-sex couples the right to raise a hot dog.
Fuming over Spoon’s project, Edna Puddlemaker sang a public service announcement about the male-dominated society.
In the cafeteria, Miller complimented Todd on his new look. Todd explained that he was rebelling against everything in general, since his father tried to have him killed. Miller sprung some bad news on Todd: They could no longer continue their relationship of having sex and then not talking about it. Miller explained that he was leaving him to marry Ms. Munsen-Meyer.
Undercover cop Joe Luderman was attempting to break into Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s office to look over some records, when Munsen-Meyer arrived. She brought him in and told him that she’d looked up the records from his previous school, and learned that he never attended. What’s more, she checked his driver’s license and learned that he was 32 years old. She angrily demanded that he tell her the truth or leave the school. When he refused, she pulled out her “Granny Munsen-Meyer” puppet to see whether he’d confide in her. In turn, Joe used his hot-dog “baby” to talk to the puppet.
Mr. Huggins and Edna Puddlemaker decided to join forces to fight Principal Spoon’s project. Huggins proposed a number of protest ideas, but Edna convinced him that there was only one solution: violence.
In the darkened lab, the school mascot (and student council vice-president) The Fighting Panhandler approached the mysterious science project, moving as if in a trance. Miller entered with some paperwork for the Panhandler to sign, but the Panhandler throttled him into unconsciousness. Apparently under some strange influence, the Panhandler uncovered the science project, revealing the living disembodied head of Mr. Wilfong, the evil German music teacher.
Gwen was cleaning up at the Crash Pad when Todd entered. Complimenting him on his new look, Gwen explained that she knew all about adopting a drastic change in appearance following an emotional upheaval. Even though they’d never liked each other before, they realized they had a lot in common: Gwen’s father seemingly died then turned up alive, and Todd’s father tried to kill him. Gwen invited Todd to a drum circle.
Miller was in his van when Sterling entered to talk to him about the new gym teacher. (“That dude with the tits?”)
Principal Spoon was performing a random check of the students’ “babies” when Mr. Huggins and Ms. Puddlemaker suddenly started beating him with chairs.
Joe was doing sit-ups in the gym while coaching his “baby.” Sterling arrived and told him that she was very attracted to his fatherly responsibility, then asked him to be her “husband” for the project. Joe explained that he couldn’t get emotionally involved with her until the murder of Poonivich Pantisoff was solved.
The Fighting Panhandler brought Mr. Wilfong’s head into the music room. Wilfong ordered the Panhandler to get him a new body and to kill Joe Luderman. Wilfong then commanded the Panhandler to take off the head of his mascot costume. The Panhandler removed his mask, revealing the face of…Mr. Pinchot! But is it the Mr. Pinchot we know?
Ms. Munsen-Meyer was having a cup of coffee in the teacher’s lounge when the blood-covered Mr. Huggins and Edna Puddlemaker came in to clean up. Edna boasted of her prowess in beating up Principal Spoon, hoping to impress Munsen-Meyer. Suddenly, the battered principal crawled into the lounge. He couldn’t identify his assailants, but knew that it was somebody who didn’t like hot dogs.
Having been rejected by Joe, Sterling asked Todd if he would be her partner in the parenthood project, even though she knew he was gay. He told her that he was no longer gay, but was now in love with Gwen.
Joe was investigating the scene of Pooni’s murder when Mr. Pinchot arrived to offer assistance. As they surveyed the scene, Pinchot suddenly heard Mr. Wilfong’s voice chanting “Get Joe Luderman” (to the tune of “Frere Jacques”). Unable to resist the command, Pinchot snapped Joe’s neck.
NEXT WEEK: Miller and Mr. Huggins have a moment.
Principal Spoon called a meeting of the students to teach them responsibility: He handed out hot dogs to all the students, telling them that those hot dogs were now their “babies.” Any student who mistreats, neglects, or eats their “baby” will be expelled.
Todd Schrader (sporting a new grunge-rock look) and Joe Luderman noticed a mysterious box in the science lab labeled “Owen Tasker’s Science Project: Don’t Touch!” Defiantly, they touched it.
Miller and Ms. Munsen-Meyer were in Miller’s van, discussing their impending marriage. She told Miller that if he cleaned up a little and impressed her parents, she stood to inherit the Munsen-Meyer oyster and tartar sauce empire.
With Assistant Coach Damon out of town, the substitute gym teacher Edna Puddlemaker introduced herself to Sterling Schremerhorn. Edna noticed that Sterling was carrying a hot dog, so Sterling explained about Spoon’s project. Edna was outraged that the principal would force teenage girls to handle phallic objects.
Gwendolyn Pinchot and her father (and Fuego the duck) were talking on the roof. Apologetically, he explained that he’d have to leave again to take care his brother Buddy, who was gravely injured and left mute when Mr. Pinchot accidentally backed over him in the driveway. Mr. Pinchot sang a public service announcement about always checking the rear-view mirror.
Mr. Huggins barged into Principal Spoon’s office, furious about Spoon’s “parenthood” experiment. Huggins was angry that Spoon had divided the students into boy-girl pairs, thus denying any same-sex couples the right to raise a hot dog.
Fuming over Spoon’s project, Edna Puddlemaker sang a public service announcement about the male-dominated society.
In the cafeteria, Miller complimented Todd on his new look. Todd explained that he was rebelling against everything in general, since his father tried to have him killed. Miller sprung some bad news on Todd: They could no longer continue their relationship of having sex and then not talking about it. Miller explained that he was leaving him to marry Ms. Munsen-Meyer.
Undercover cop Joe Luderman was attempting to break into Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s office to look over some records, when Munsen-Meyer arrived. She brought him in and told him that she’d looked up the records from his previous school, and learned that he never attended. What’s more, she checked his driver’s license and learned that he was 32 years old. She angrily demanded that he tell her the truth or leave the school. When he refused, she pulled out her “Granny Munsen-Meyer” puppet to see whether he’d confide in her. In turn, Joe used his hot-dog “baby” to talk to the puppet.
Mr. Huggins and Edna Puddlemaker decided to join forces to fight Principal Spoon’s project. Huggins proposed a number of protest ideas, but Edna convinced him that there was only one solution: violence.
In the darkened lab, the school mascot (and student council vice-president) The Fighting Panhandler approached the mysterious science project, moving as if in a trance. Miller entered with some paperwork for the Panhandler to sign, but the Panhandler throttled him into unconsciousness. Apparently under some strange influence, the Panhandler uncovered the science project, revealing the living disembodied head of Mr. Wilfong, the evil German music teacher.
Gwen was cleaning up at the Crash Pad when Todd entered. Complimenting him on his new look, Gwen explained that she knew all about adopting a drastic change in appearance following an emotional upheaval. Even though they’d never liked each other before, they realized they had a lot in common: Gwen’s father seemingly died then turned up alive, and Todd’s father tried to kill him. Gwen invited Todd to a drum circle.
Miller was in his van when Sterling entered to talk to him about the new gym teacher. (“That dude with the tits?”)
Principal Spoon was performing a random check of the students’ “babies” when Mr. Huggins and Ms. Puddlemaker suddenly started beating him with chairs.
Joe was doing sit-ups in the gym while coaching his “baby.” Sterling arrived and told him that she was very attracted to his fatherly responsibility, then asked him to be her “husband” for the project. Joe explained that he couldn’t get emotionally involved with her until the murder of Poonivich Pantisoff was solved.
The Fighting Panhandler brought Mr. Wilfong’s head into the music room. Wilfong ordered the Panhandler to get him a new body and to kill Joe Luderman. Wilfong then commanded the Panhandler to take off the head of his mascot costume. The Panhandler removed his mask, revealing the face of…Mr. Pinchot! But is it the Mr. Pinchot we know?
Ms. Munsen-Meyer was having a cup of coffee in the teacher’s lounge when the blood-covered Mr. Huggins and Edna Puddlemaker came in to clean up. Edna boasted of her prowess in beating up Principal Spoon, hoping to impress Munsen-Meyer. Suddenly, the battered principal crawled into the lounge. He couldn’t identify his assailants, but knew that it was somebody who didn’t like hot dogs.
Having been rejected by Joe, Sterling asked Todd if he would be her partner in the parenthood project, even though she knew he was gay. He told her that he was no longer gay, but was now in love with Gwen.
Joe was investigating the scene of Pooni’s murder when Mr. Pinchot arrived to offer assistance. As they surveyed the scene, Pinchot suddenly heard Mr. Wilfong’s voice chanting “Get Joe Luderman” (to the tune of “Frere Jacques”). Unable to resist the command, Pinchot snapped Joe’s neck.
NEXT WEEK: Miller and Mr. Huggins have a moment.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Season 8, Episode 8: Duck Poop
Episode 8: Duck Poop
Having had her father recall Miller from office, Sterling Schremerhorn was settling into her position as the new student council president. Unaware that he had been deposed, Miller came into the office to resume his duties. When Sterling explained what had happened, Miller refused to accept it and threw her out.
Gwendolyn Pinchot was up on the roof, remembering the last time she saw her father. In a flashback, we saw Mr. Pinchot showing Gwen her new pet, a baby duck named Fuego. (“He poops a lot, so be careful.”) After a heartfelt moment, Mr. Pinchot left, taking Fuego with him. He told Gwen not to eat before he got back…but he never did return.
The evil German music teacher Mr. Wilfong called Owen Tasker to his classroom, explaining that he saw Owen’s great potential for evil. Wilfong said that the only thing Owen lacked was the killer instinct, but Owen pointed out that he had indeed killed two people (Lewis von Kemia and Poonivich Pantisoff). Wilfong was devastated to learn of Pooni’s death, but impressed with Owen’s accomplishments. Wilfong said that, with his guidance, Owen could run not only the school, but the world.
Assistant Coach Damon was pacing the halls and talking to his dodgeball Pepper. He thought back to a happier time…the day when Mr. Pinchot offered him a job in his pet store. In a flashback, Mr. Pinchot compared their friendship to the bond he had with Fuego the duck.
Sterling stormed into Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s office, furious that Miller had usurped the authority she had stolen fair and square. Ms. Munsen-Meyer offered to “take care” of Miller for her.
Joe Luderman was examining the purse found at the scene of Pooni’s murder. Finding a $10 bill, he realized that there was only one high school student rich enough to be carrying around that kind of money…Sterling Schremerhorn. Contemplating his dilemma, he remembered his old scoutmaster, Mr. Pinchot. Flashing back to the time Pinchot introduced him to Fuego the duck. (“I can’t express how much poop is in my hand.”) Pinchot advised him to follow the duck’s example: In times of trouble, just keep paddling…and pooping.
In the cafeteria, self-reappointed student council president Miller told Mr. Wilfong about his plans to increase school efficiency by 85% by eliminating social studies and grading the students on their social skills at parties instead. Wilfong suggested that he could also increase efficiency by removing the end of World War II from the history books. Miller liked the idea of making history class a cliffhanger.
Gwen was up on the roof, torn between Wilfong’s evil and the memory of her father’s goodness. Assistant Coach Damon arrived and told her that he needed to make a confession. We flashed back to the time that Damon tried to help Mr. Pinchot with his arthritis (from constantly holding the duck) by mixing up a homemade remedy for it. Shortly after that, Mr. Pinchot ran home, bleeding profusely and crying “Damon did it.” Gwen had always assumed that Damon was the killer’s first name; only now did she make the connection to Mr. Damon.
In the teacher’s lounge, Ms. Munsen-Meyer called in Owen Tasker to discuss what to do about Miller. In the middle of their conversation, Munsen-Meyer’s mind wandered and she flashed back to her affair with Mr. Pinchot. Returning to the present, Munsen-Meyer suddenly clutched at her chest and collapsed.
Fleeing Gwen’s wrath, Damon ran into the gym and found Joe Luderman. He explained that Gwen was after him because his arthritis remedy had killed her father. After a brief flashback with Mr. Pinchot, Joe revealed that he was an undercover cop, and offered Damon his protection.
Gwen told Mr. Wilfong that she had found the man who killed her father. Wilfong flashed back to the time he confronted the man who killed HIS father…Mr. Pinchot. In their final confrontation, Pinchot set his attack duck at Wilfong, but Wilfong got the upper hand by throwing acid at Pinchot. Pinchot ran home to his daughter, bleeding profusely. When Wilfong realized that Gwen blamed Damon for her father’s death, he smiled his evil smile.
Owen and Sterling were standing by the lockers when Owen flashed back to his encounter with Mr. Pinchot. Snapping back to reality, Owen tried to conceal his arousal from Sterling. He asked Sterling to help him in his bid for power, explaining that she could hold the title of student council president while he actually ran the school. In exchange, he offered her “the love of a lifetime.” She thought he was offering to fix her up with Joe.
Miller was mixing with the students when Ms. Munsen-Meyer crawled in, determined to end his reign. Seeing Munsen-Meyer on her last legs, Miller ran over and performed CPR. Recovering, Munsen-Meyer remembered the crush she had on Miller in the 5th grade. She could no longer bring herself to overthrow Miller; instead, she asked him to marry her.
In Mr. Wilfong’s sub-basement dungeon, the still-living Mr. Pinchot and Fuego the duck were being held prisoner. Wilfong reminisced about how he had faked Pinchot’s death by switching him with a dead homeless man in the hospital. (“He was black! I can’t believe nobody noticed!”) As Wilfong gloated, Pinchot sent Fuego out to get help.
Assistant Coach Damon was hiding in Miller’s van, but Gwen found him just the same. Just as she was about to take her vengeance, Fuego ran in and quacked out a warning. Pepper the dodgeball translated.
As Wilfong continued gloating, Gwen, Damon and Joe burst into the dungeon. Joe shot Wilfong, but Wilfong plunged his artificial hand into Joe’s throat and chest before collapsing (crushing Joe’s foot as he fell). Released from his bonds, Mr. Pinchot prepared to cauterize all of Joe’s injuries.
NEXT WEEK: Pinchot makes an amazing discovery.
Having had her father recall Miller from office, Sterling Schremerhorn was settling into her position as the new student council president. Unaware that he had been deposed, Miller came into the office to resume his duties. When Sterling explained what had happened, Miller refused to accept it and threw her out.
Gwendolyn Pinchot was up on the roof, remembering the last time she saw her father. In a flashback, we saw Mr. Pinchot showing Gwen her new pet, a baby duck named Fuego. (“He poops a lot, so be careful.”) After a heartfelt moment, Mr. Pinchot left, taking Fuego with him. He told Gwen not to eat before he got back…but he never did return.
The evil German music teacher Mr. Wilfong called Owen Tasker to his classroom, explaining that he saw Owen’s great potential for evil. Wilfong said that the only thing Owen lacked was the killer instinct, but Owen pointed out that he had indeed killed two people (Lewis von Kemia and Poonivich Pantisoff). Wilfong was devastated to learn of Pooni’s death, but impressed with Owen’s accomplishments. Wilfong said that, with his guidance, Owen could run not only the school, but the world.
Assistant Coach Damon was pacing the halls and talking to his dodgeball Pepper. He thought back to a happier time…the day when Mr. Pinchot offered him a job in his pet store. In a flashback, Mr. Pinchot compared their friendship to the bond he had with Fuego the duck.
Sterling stormed into Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s office, furious that Miller had usurped the authority she had stolen fair and square. Ms. Munsen-Meyer offered to “take care” of Miller for her.
Joe Luderman was examining the purse found at the scene of Pooni’s murder. Finding a $10 bill, he realized that there was only one high school student rich enough to be carrying around that kind of money…Sterling Schremerhorn. Contemplating his dilemma, he remembered his old scoutmaster, Mr. Pinchot. Flashing back to the time Pinchot introduced him to Fuego the duck. (“I can’t express how much poop is in my hand.”) Pinchot advised him to follow the duck’s example: In times of trouble, just keep paddling…and pooping.
In the cafeteria, self-reappointed student council president Miller told Mr. Wilfong about his plans to increase school efficiency by 85% by eliminating social studies and grading the students on their social skills at parties instead. Wilfong suggested that he could also increase efficiency by removing the end of World War II from the history books. Miller liked the idea of making history class a cliffhanger.
Gwen was up on the roof, torn between Wilfong’s evil and the memory of her father’s goodness. Assistant Coach Damon arrived and told her that he needed to make a confession. We flashed back to the time that Damon tried to help Mr. Pinchot with his arthritis (from constantly holding the duck) by mixing up a homemade remedy for it. Shortly after that, Mr. Pinchot ran home, bleeding profusely and crying “Damon did it.” Gwen had always assumed that Damon was the killer’s first name; only now did she make the connection to Mr. Damon.
In the teacher’s lounge, Ms. Munsen-Meyer called in Owen Tasker to discuss what to do about Miller. In the middle of their conversation, Munsen-Meyer’s mind wandered and she flashed back to her affair with Mr. Pinchot. Returning to the present, Munsen-Meyer suddenly clutched at her chest and collapsed.
Fleeing Gwen’s wrath, Damon ran into the gym and found Joe Luderman. He explained that Gwen was after him because his arthritis remedy had killed her father. After a brief flashback with Mr. Pinchot, Joe revealed that he was an undercover cop, and offered Damon his protection.
Gwen told Mr. Wilfong that she had found the man who killed her father. Wilfong flashed back to the time he confronted the man who killed HIS father…Mr. Pinchot. In their final confrontation, Pinchot set his attack duck at Wilfong, but Wilfong got the upper hand by throwing acid at Pinchot. Pinchot ran home to his daughter, bleeding profusely. When Wilfong realized that Gwen blamed Damon for her father’s death, he smiled his evil smile.
Owen and Sterling were standing by the lockers when Owen flashed back to his encounter with Mr. Pinchot. Snapping back to reality, Owen tried to conceal his arousal from Sterling. He asked Sterling to help him in his bid for power, explaining that she could hold the title of student council president while he actually ran the school. In exchange, he offered her “the love of a lifetime.” She thought he was offering to fix her up with Joe.
Miller was mixing with the students when Ms. Munsen-Meyer crawled in, determined to end his reign. Seeing Munsen-Meyer on her last legs, Miller ran over and performed CPR. Recovering, Munsen-Meyer remembered the crush she had on Miller in the 5th grade. She could no longer bring herself to overthrow Miller; instead, she asked him to marry her.
In Mr. Wilfong’s sub-basement dungeon, the still-living Mr. Pinchot and Fuego the duck were being held prisoner. Wilfong reminisced about how he had faked Pinchot’s death by switching him with a dead homeless man in the hospital. (“He was black! I can’t believe nobody noticed!”) As Wilfong gloated, Pinchot sent Fuego out to get help.
Assistant Coach Damon was hiding in Miller’s van, but Gwen found him just the same. Just as she was about to take her vengeance, Fuego ran in and quacked out a warning. Pepper the dodgeball translated.
As Wilfong continued gloating, Gwen, Damon and Joe burst into the dungeon. Joe shot Wilfong, but Wilfong plunged his artificial hand into Joe’s throat and chest before collapsing (crushing Joe’s foot as he fell). Released from his bonds, Mr. Pinchot prepared to cauterize all of Joe’s injuries.
NEXT WEEK: Pinchot makes an amazing discovery.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Season 8, Episode 7: Everybody Dies (Okay, Two People Die)
Episode 7: Everybody Dies (Okay, Two People Die)
Assistant Coach Damon received a phone call from the hospital, informing him that Lewis Von Kemia had died.
School custodian Mr. Cook was helping Russian exchange student Poonivich Pantisoff with her work-study program by having her assist him in changing the lights. She was all too familiar with the dangers of fluorescent tubes, due to the disastrous bulb-factory explosion in her hometown.
The German music teacher Glenn Wilfong was instructing Gwendolyn Pinchot in how to become more evil. She told him that her worst enemy in the school was Miller. However, since Miller’s first act as student council president was to give himself a week off, she couldn’t take revenge on him right now. Her second choice: Sterling Schremerhorn.
By the lockers, undercover cop Joe Luderman broke the news of Lewis’ death to Sterling. Shocked, Sterling blamed herself (not unreasonably, since she was the one who ran over him), but Joe informed her that it was Owen Tasker who had caused Lewis’ cancer.
Owen Tasker was giving blood for the school blood drive when Assistant Coach Damon entered and informed him of Lewis’ death. Damon urged Owen to give more blood in Lewis’ memory…and to earn another letter.
At the Crash Pad, Mr. Cook broke the news to Gwen. Gwen was stunned by this latest loss, on top of her father’s death earlier this year. Cook reminisced about his friendship with her father, shooting pool and coming to all of Gwen’s softball games.
Joe Luderman was directing a public-service announcement for the school’s closed-circuit TV channel, with Assistant Coach Damon warning the students of the dangers of drugs. (“Nine out of ten kids who do drugs die. And that’s a promise.”)
Mr. Wilfong was polishing his trombone “Tooty” and reflecting on his new life in America, when Poonivich Pantisoff entered. They had a brief conversation in Russian, and Pooni joined him in a duet with her cello, “Mrs. Garrett.”
At the blood drive, Sterling angrily confronted Owen about Lewis’ death. She informed him that she was going to run for student council just to throw Owen out of school. Owen pointed out that the elections were over and that Miller had won. Sterling called her rich father and had Miller recalled and herself appointed president.
Pooni asked Gwen to supply her with some Charmin toilet paper to send home to Russia, then sang the traditional Russian toilet-paper song “Can I Squeeze It?” Touched by the song, Gwen declared her love for Pooni.
Sterling questioned Owen about his responsibility for Lewis’ death. Loss of blood had rendered Owen too delirious to lie, so he admitted to giving Lewis’ cancer. Still compelled to tell the truth, Owen told Sterling that he loved her, and would gladly get revenge on Gwen and Miller for her. Then he confessed to masturbating six times a day.
Joe Luderman spied on Mr. Cook as Cook cleaned out Lewis’ locker, but Joe didn’t do a very good job of hiding.
Semi-recovered, Owen Tasker was filming a blood drive announcement with Gwen for the school’s closed-circuit system. Once she was in front of the camera, Gwen took advantage of the opportunity by revealing the truth about Owen…he doesn’t donate blood regularly, his trophies are plastic fakes, and the school doesn’t even HAVE a chess club. She then recited a mystical chant taught to her by Mr. Wilfong, putting Owen in her power. She commanded Owen to tell Sterling that he doesn’t love her after all…then kill her. Mr. Wilfong gleefully watched over the closed-circuit TV.
Joe and Sterling were having lunch at the cafeteria. Sterling warned Joe not to get involved with Gwen, and Joe angrily threw her tray off the table. Assistant Coach Damon came in to clean it up, having taken yet another job to pay the bills.
Due to budget cuts, Damon was teaching AP physics to Pooni. He began “There are many mysteries to physics that haven’t been explained…it’s a lot like Catholicism.” Pooni was outraged by his introduction of religion into the classroom, and Damon was equally upset with her godless communism. A slow-motion fight scene broke out. Mr. Cook arrived with his video camera.
Mr. Wilfong and Gwen were going over their evil plans. Wilfong asked Gwen to serve a very special meal the next time Joe Luderman comes to the Crash Pad: a burger with a side of cocaine.
Under Gwen’s spell, Owen was gathering knives at the Crash Pad when Joe Luderman entered and warned him that “there’s a guy one step behind the guy two steps ahead of you.” Owen declared his intention to kill Sterling, believing that the law couldn’t touch him. Joe told Owen that the law could indeed touch him, and that he’d soon be lettering in prison rape.
Mr. Cook confronted Damon with the video of his compromising encounter with Pooni. As Damon professed his innocence, Cook remembered his own encounter with a student in Florida. Suddenly, Pooni burst in and announced that she had Cook’s confession on tape. Damon revealed that Cook had yet another hold on him…Cook knows that Damon killed Gwen’s father.
Joe Luderman was relaxing at home after a hard day’s undercover work. Mr. Wilfong sneaked in, but was soon discovered. As Joe confronted him, Wilfong noticed all of the “I’m a Cop” posters in Joe’s apartment.
Poonivich Pantisoff had stolen Sterling Schremerhorn’s purse in search of breath mints to sustain herself. Finding none, she started chewing on a tampon. Following Sterling’s scent, the entranced Owen Tasker came up behind Pooni and strangled her. Only after the deed was done did Owen discover that he’d killed the wrong girl.
NEXT WEEK: Gwen confronts Mr. Wilfong about Joe.
Assistant Coach Damon received a phone call from the hospital, informing him that Lewis Von Kemia had died.
School custodian Mr. Cook was helping Russian exchange student Poonivich Pantisoff with her work-study program by having her assist him in changing the lights. She was all too familiar with the dangers of fluorescent tubes, due to the disastrous bulb-factory explosion in her hometown.
The German music teacher Glenn Wilfong was instructing Gwendolyn Pinchot in how to become more evil. She told him that her worst enemy in the school was Miller. However, since Miller’s first act as student council president was to give himself a week off, she couldn’t take revenge on him right now. Her second choice: Sterling Schremerhorn.
By the lockers, undercover cop Joe Luderman broke the news of Lewis’ death to Sterling. Shocked, Sterling blamed herself (not unreasonably, since she was the one who ran over him), but Joe informed her that it was Owen Tasker who had caused Lewis’ cancer.
Owen Tasker was giving blood for the school blood drive when Assistant Coach Damon entered and informed him of Lewis’ death. Damon urged Owen to give more blood in Lewis’ memory…and to earn another letter.
At the Crash Pad, Mr. Cook broke the news to Gwen. Gwen was stunned by this latest loss, on top of her father’s death earlier this year. Cook reminisced about his friendship with her father, shooting pool and coming to all of Gwen’s softball games.
Joe Luderman was directing a public-service announcement for the school’s closed-circuit TV channel, with Assistant Coach Damon warning the students of the dangers of drugs. (“Nine out of ten kids who do drugs die. And that’s a promise.”)
Mr. Wilfong was polishing his trombone “Tooty” and reflecting on his new life in America, when Poonivich Pantisoff entered. They had a brief conversation in Russian, and Pooni joined him in a duet with her cello, “Mrs. Garrett.”
At the blood drive, Sterling angrily confronted Owen about Lewis’ death. She informed him that she was going to run for student council just to throw Owen out of school. Owen pointed out that the elections were over and that Miller had won. Sterling called her rich father and had Miller recalled and herself appointed president.
Pooni asked Gwen to supply her with some Charmin toilet paper to send home to Russia, then sang the traditional Russian toilet-paper song “Can I Squeeze It?” Touched by the song, Gwen declared her love for Pooni.
Sterling questioned Owen about his responsibility for Lewis’ death. Loss of blood had rendered Owen too delirious to lie, so he admitted to giving Lewis’ cancer. Still compelled to tell the truth, Owen told Sterling that he loved her, and would gladly get revenge on Gwen and Miller for her. Then he confessed to masturbating six times a day.
Joe Luderman spied on Mr. Cook as Cook cleaned out Lewis’ locker, but Joe didn’t do a very good job of hiding.
Semi-recovered, Owen Tasker was filming a blood drive announcement with Gwen for the school’s closed-circuit system. Once she was in front of the camera, Gwen took advantage of the opportunity by revealing the truth about Owen…he doesn’t donate blood regularly, his trophies are plastic fakes, and the school doesn’t even HAVE a chess club. She then recited a mystical chant taught to her by Mr. Wilfong, putting Owen in her power. She commanded Owen to tell Sterling that he doesn’t love her after all…then kill her. Mr. Wilfong gleefully watched over the closed-circuit TV.
Joe and Sterling were having lunch at the cafeteria. Sterling warned Joe not to get involved with Gwen, and Joe angrily threw her tray off the table. Assistant Coach Damon came in to clean it up, having taken yet another job to pay the bills.
Due to budget cuts, Damon was teaching AP physics to Pooni. He began “There are many mysteries to physics that haven’t been explained…it’s a lot like Catholicism.” Pooni was outraged by his introduction of religion into the classroom, and Damon was equally upset with her godless communism. A slow-motion fight scene broke out. Mr. Cook arrived with his video camera.
Mr. Wilfong and Gwen were going over their evil plans. Wilfong asked Gwen to serve a very special meal the next time Joe Luderman comes to the Crash Pad: a burger with a side of cocaine.
Under Gwen’s spell, Owen was gathering knives at the Crash Pad when Joe Luderman entered and warned him that “there’s a guy one step behind the guy two steps ahead of you.” Owen declared his intention to kill Sterling, believing that the law couldn’t touch him. Joe told Owen that the law could indeed touch him, and that he’d soon be lettering in prison rape.
Mr. Cook confronted Damon with the video of his compromising encounter with Pooni. As Damon professed his innocence, Cook remembered his own encounter with a student in Florida. Suddenly, Pooni burst in and announced that she had Cook’s confession on tape. Damon revealed that Cook had yet another hold on him…Cook knows that Damon killed Gwen’s father.
Joe Luderman was relaxing at home after a hard day’s undercover work. Mr. Wilfong sneaked in, but was soon discovered. As Joe confronted him, Wilfong noticed all of the “I’m a Cop” posters in Joe’s apartment.
Poonivich Pantisoff had stolen Sterling Schremerhorn’s purse in search of breath mints to sustain herself. Finding none, she started chewing on a tampon. Following Sterling’s scent, the entranced Owen Tasker came up behind Pooni and strangled her. Only after the deed was done did Owen discover that he’d killed the wrong girl.
NEXT WEEK: Gwen confronts Mr. Wilfong about Joe.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Season 8, Episode 6: The Russo-German Campaign
Episode 6: The Russo-German Campaign
Ms. Munsen-Meyer was going over some paperwork with the new Russian exchange student, Poonivich Pantisoff.
MUNSEN-MEYER: “What exactly do you want to get out of the school year?”
POONIVICH: “Blue jeans.”
Meanwhile, the German music teacher Glenn Wilfong was trying to teach the basics to Todd Schrader. Wilfong gave Todd detention for staring at his prosthetic hand (which he insisted was real). Todd retorted that his football practice exempted him from detention, but that didn’t matter to Wilfong.
With the student council elections coming up, Miller had covered the school with campaign signs (written on empty beer cartons). Miller’s running-mate, the Fighting Panhandler, used pantomime to suggest a campaign slogan: “Miller digs wagons and dynamite!”
Principal Spoon stopped by the Crash Pad to talk to Gwendolyn Pinchot about her campaign for student council. She didn’t have much confidence going up against Miller, but Spoon pointed out that she had one advantage over Miller…a heart of gold. (“Wow, nobody’s ever said that to me except my dead father.”) She told Spoon that, since her father’s death, she looked up to him as a father figure. The principal warned her, “Don’t stand so close to me.”
Assistant Coach Damon was telling Poonivich Pantisoff about the American way of life. He explained that America was a land of opportunity, where, with enough hard work and determination, anybody could earn minimum wage. He suggested that Pooni run for student council, but she was too preoccupied by staring at his crotch.
Up on the rooftop, Miller was delivering a campaign speech to the students below. Ms. Munsen-Meyer arrived and forbade him from running for student council. Miller shoved her, leading to a scuffle between them. Ms. Munsen-Meyer finally got Miller in a choke-hold until he fell limp.
Glenn Wilfong informed Principal Spoon that he was removing Todd Schrader from football practice to serve detention. Todd suddenly burst into the office and angrily confronted Wilfong, throwing his monocle to the floor. Wilfong swore to increase Todd’s punishment.
Assistant Coach Damon was offering some campaign advice to Gwen, even though she wanted to cut the athletics program entirely. Damon explained that he was once as rebellious as her, even mailing the principal a homemade pipe bomb made out of Wesson Oil, Bisquick and chutney. This confession greatly increased Gwen’s respect for Damon. He suggested that she recruit Poonivich Pantisoff as her running-mate.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer was desperately trying to hide Miller’s unmoving body under her desk when Principal Spoon knocked on the door. Spoon was stunned to see the black eye that Munsen-Meyer had sustained in the struggle, but she made up an excuse about getting hit by a dodgeball. Suddenly, Miller regained consciousness and stood up…only to discover that he’d gone blind.
In the cafeteria, Gwen was trying to get Todd’s vote; he finally agreed to vote for her just to make her leave him alone. He apologized for his rudeness, explaining that he had some issues he was internalizing.
Assistant Coach Damon and Glenn Wilfong were working out in the gym, with Wilfong using his artificial hand to block Damon’s dodgeball.
Todd Schrader started vandalizing the music classroom, while the uncomprehending Poonivich looked on in confusion. Suddenly, Glenn Wilfong entered and saw the destruction.
Principal Spoon informed Assistant Coach Damon that he was eliminating dodgeball, due to Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s injury. Damon swore that the student council would be his puppet government and wrest control of the school from Spoon.
Gwen found Miller wandering sightlessly through the school, using his spoon to tap his way around the hall. He explained that Ms. Munsen-Meyer had blinded him, but she thought he was faking to get the sympathy vote.
A school court was held to determine the truth of Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s injury, with Principal Spoon presiding and Glenn Wilfong acting as advocate. When Munsen-Meyer testified that Damon lured her into the gym and hit her with a dodgeball, Wilfong revealed that HE was practicing with the school’s only dodgeball at the time of the alleged incident. Suddenly, Todd burst in with proof that Mr. Wilfong was, in fact, Adolf Hitler! Principal Spoon didn’t dispute Todd’s revelation, but pointed out that it was irrelevant to the hearing.
Gwen and Pooni devised a campaign song decrying the sales tax on cafeteria food and advocating public displays of affection in the halls. Pooni told Gwen “I want to kiss you in a lesplatonic way.” They did.
At the hearing, Wilfong called in Miller as a surprise witness. Blindly placing his hand on Damon’s crotch to swear himself in, Miller testified that he, not Damon, had given Munsen-Meyer her black eye. Munsen-Meyer tackled Miller and wrestled him to the ground again, restoring his sight the same way she had taken it away.
The student council candidates addressed the school for their final campaign speeches. By a show of hands, Miller was elected the winner.
Upset by her defeat, Gwen went to see Mr. Wilfong for advice. She complained that being nice and reaching out to people didn’t work, so now she wanted Wilfong to teach her the ways of evil and nastiness.
NEXT WEEK: Damon receives a tragic phone call.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer was going over some paperwork with the new Russian exchange student, Poonivich Pantisoff.
MUNSEN-MEYER: “What exactly do you want to get out of the school year?”
POONIVICH: “Blue jeans.”
Meanwhile, the German music teacher Glenn Wilfong was trying to teach the basics to Todd Schrader. Wilfong gave Todd detention for staring at his prosthetic hand (which he insisted was real). Todd retorted that his football practice exempted him from detention, but that didn’t matter to Wilfong.
With the student council elections coming up, Miller had covered the school with campaign signs (written on empty beer cartons). Miller’s running-mate, the Fighting Panhandler, used pantomime to suggest a campaign slogan: “Miller digs wagons and dynamite!”
Principal Spoon stopped by the Crash Pad to talk to Gwendolyn Pinchot about her campaign for student council. She didn’t have much confidence going up against Miller, but Spoon pointed out that she had one advantage over Miller…a heart of gold. (“Wow, nobody’s ever said that to me except my dead father.”) She told Spoon that, since her father’s death, she looked up to him as a father figure. The principal warned her, “Don’t stand so close to me.”
Assistant Coach Damon was telling Poonivich Pantisoff about the American way of life. He explained that America was a land of opportunity, where, with enough hard work and determination, anybody could earn minimum wage. He suggested that Pooni run for student council, but she was too preoccupied by staring at his crotch.
Up on the rooftop, Miller was delivering a campaign speech to the students below. Ms. Munsen-Meyer arrived and forbade him from running for student council. Miller shoved her, leading to a scuffle between them. Ms. Munsen-Meyer finally got Miller in a choke-hold until he fell limp.
Glenn Wilfong informed Principal Spoon that he was removing Todd Schrader from football practice to serve detention. Todd suddenly burst into the office and angrily confronted Wilfong, throwing his monocle to the floor. Wilfong swore to increase Todd’s punishment.
Assistant Coach Damon was offering some campaign advice to Gwen, even though she wanted to cut the athletics program entirely. Damon explained that he was once as rebellious as her, even mailing the principal a homemade pipe bomb made out of Wesson Oil, Bisquick and chutney. This confession greatly increased Gwen’s respect for Damon. He suggested that she recruit Poonivich Pantisoff as her running-mate.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer was desperately trying to hide Miller’s unmoving body under her desk when Principal Spoon knocked on the door. Spoon was stunned to see the black eye that Munsen-Meyer had sustained in the struggle, but she made up an excuse about getting hit by a dodgeball. Suddenly, Miller regained consciousness and stood up…only to discover that he’d gone blind.
In the cafeteria, Gwen was trying to get Todd’s vote; he finally agreed to vote for her just to make her leave him alone. He apologized for his rudeness, explaining that he had some issues he was internalizing.
Assistant Coach Damon and Glenn Wilfong were working out in the gym, with Wilfong using his artificial hand to block Damon’s dodgeball.
Todd Schrader started vandalizing the music classroom, while the uncomprehending Poonivich looked on in confusion. Suddenly, Glenn Wilfong entered and saw the destruction.
Principal Spoon informed Assistant Coach Damon that he was eliminating dodgeball, due to Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s injury. Damon swore that the student council would be his puppet government and wrest control of the school from Spoon.
Gwen found Miller wandering sightlessly through the school, using his spoon to tap his way around the hall. He explained that Ms. Munsen-Meyer had blinded him, but she thought he was faking to get the sympathy vote.
A school court was held to determine the truth of Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s injury, with Principal Spoon presiding and Glenn Wilfong acting as advocate. When Munsen-Meyer testified that Damon lured her into the gym and hit her with a dodgeball, Wilfong revealed that HE was practicing with the school’s only dodgeball at the time of the alleged incident. Suddenly, Todd burst in with proof that Mr. Wilfong was, in fact, Adolf Hitler! Principal Spoon didn’t dispute Todd’s revelation, but pointed out that it was irrelevant to the hearing.
Gwen and Pooni devised a campaign song decrying the sales tax on cafeteria food and advocating public displays of affection in the halls. Pooni told Gwen “I want to kiss you in a lesplatonic way.” They did.
At the hearing, Wilfong called in Miller as a surprise witness. Blindly placing his hand on Damon’s crotch to swear himself in, Miller testified that he, not Damon, had given Munsen-Meyer her black eye. Munsen-Meyer tackled Miller and wrestled him to the ground again, restoring his sight the same way she had taken it away.
The student council candidates addressed the school for their final campaign speeches. By a show of hands, Miller was elected the winner.
Upset by her defeat, Gwen went to see Mr. Wilfong for advice. She complained that being nice and reaching out to people didn’t work, so now she wanted Wilfong to teach her the ways of evil and nastiness.
NEXT WEEK: Damon receives a tragic phone call.
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