Episode 6: Hot Salsa
Angelo Lansbury offered his condolences to Buster Banks over Dixie Greenflag’s death. (“Even though I would have killed her myself, I’m sorry for your loss.”) Buster informed Angelo that he had killed Dixie’s murderer, Rodriguez Philbin. However, before he died, Rodriguez had called Buster “brother”…which would mean that Angelo is Buster’s father. They headed out to get a paternity test.
Poppi was preparing for a busy night at his nightclub, Coconutz, when a mysterious and beautiful woman entered. Introducing herself as Claudia, she explained that she had come to Miami from Colombia, and was opening her own Salsa nightclub two blocks away. Poppi was so shaken by the competition that his theme music failed him.
At City Hall, Mayor Shula Goldamayer promoted Officer Simpson to be the new chief of police in Detective Furman’s absence. She asked Simpson to take down Angelo Lansbury by hitting him where it hurts the most…in his testicles.
Officer Snatch was cooking up some Cap’n Crunch for breakfast in Dan Mandarino’s apartment. Dan woke up and reflected on how good life was as a swinging bachelor with nothing to tie him down. Snatch informed him that “There’s a biscuit in the proverbial toaster-oven that is my uterus.” She wasn’t sure whether the baby was Dan’s, Buster’s, Rodriguez’, or even Poppi’s. Stunned, Dan asked her to take a paternity test.
After sinking all his money into “Weekend at Bernie’s,” Buster was down to his last $3.00. Shula Goldamayer entered and offered him a job filming a campaign commercial for her. (“I’ve been a big fan of your work ever since ‘Diddler on the Roof.’”) Suddenly, Buster got a phone call from the paternity clinic…he was indeed Angelo Lansbury’s son.
Dan Mandarino was signing autographs at the mall when Poppi rushed in with the news that Claudia was planning to run Poppi out of business. Dan promised to use his authority as a newly-appointed police officer, as well as his “inimmunity” from prosecution, to run Claudia out of town. In return, Dan asked Poppi for a blood sample for Snatch’s paternity test.
Simpson and Snatch set off to carry out Simpson’s assignment of testicular punishment for Angelo. Arriving in Angelo’s office, Simpson informed him that, as the new chief of police, she had to be tough on crime and take him in. When Angelo protested that they needed him to provide them with cocaine, they informed him that they had a new connection, “a new lady in town.” Simpson ordered Angelo to drop his pants. When he complied, Simpson and Snatch were awestruck by the sight, and decided that Angelo belonged in one of Buster Banks’ porn movies.
It was opening night at Claudia’s new Salsa nightclub, Pepino’s, and everybody who’s anybody was there. (Even the guy who writes these summaries got in on the action.) When Angelo Lansbury arrived, Shula punched him in the nuts. Buster retaliated by punching Shula. However, not even the brawl could dampen the spirits of the other partyers. Outside, a despondent Poppi looked in through the window.
The next day, Chief Simpson came to make sure Claudia’s beer and wine license was in order. Claudia explained that she was expecting the license in the mail. In the meantime, Claudia prepared her specialty, a “Hot Passion shooter,” then offered Simpson some Salsa dance lessons to make her irresistible to men. (“Imagine that every time you move your body, you’re having tiny little orgasms all over.”) As Claudia stood behind Simpson for the lesson, Simpson felt something odd.
SIMPSON: “Is that a gun in your crotch?”
CLAUDIA: “As a matter of fact, it is.”
Suddenly, Claudia chloroformed Simpson.
After the world premiere of “Weekend at Bernie’s,” Buster and Shula were having a drink to apologize to each other for the brawl. Buster revealed that the premiere had gone so well that he’d gotten job offers from Steven Spielberg and George Lucas. The opportunity was too good for him to pass up, so he’d have to leave. Shula and Buster had a tearful farewell, then ran off to have “crying sex.”
With Coconutz gone out of business, Poppi headed out on the road, carrying a bindlestiff (you know, those bag-on-a-stick hobo things…). Officer Snatch came by to say goodbye, and asked him where he was going. Poppi explained that he was planning to become a theatre critic in “the only city gayer than Miami…Atlanta, Georgia.” He said goodbye to Snatch. (“You are the only woman who could get me to stick my penis in a natural vagina.”) Taking that as a cue, Snatch asked Poppi for a blood sample for the paternity test. Anticipating her request, Poppi presented her with a poem he had written in his own blood: “It’s a Marshmallow World in the Winter.”
Buster told Angelo that he was going to L.A. to work as an assistant director on “Howard the Duck”…and that the paternity test confirmed that Angelo was his father. Angelo and Buster caught up on their relationship by having all the usual father-son arguments in under a minute. As a farewell present, Angelo presented Buster with a ring that had been passed down through his family since the days of the cocaine Vikings.
Dan and Snatch brought the blood samples to the Mayor’s office, where Shula ran them through her DNA-anator. After getting the results, Shula informed Snatch that she was carrying twins. One was Dan’s, and the other… (Dramatic musical sting as the scene ends before she completes the sentence.)
Simpson regained consciousness in the back room of Pepino’s, where Claudia stood over her gloating. Claudia dropped her accent and confessed that her true purpose in coming to Miami was not just to run Poppi out of business, but to get revenge on Simpson and Snatch. When Simpson asked why, Claudia took off her wig and revealed her true identity…she’s Snatch’s sister, Patch.
TO BE CONTINUED…