Episode 17: Everybody Dies…Again…Maybe…Sort of…
In the aftermath of the big ballgame and the collapse of Mount Francis, King Plough had won the game but lost an eye. Eileve had taken possession of both Magic Jones’ and Baron Üterrüs’ magic staffs. Plough noticed that the skull on the Baron’s staff resembled that of Plough’s great-great-great-etc.-grandfather, who was killed by an evil undead lich many centuries ago. Eileve suggested that the Baron WAS that lich, but the king scoffed at this notion. As Eileve tried to convince his grandfather about Üterrüs’ true nature, the cheetah-skin on Eileve’s legs suddenly slipped down. They realized that Eileve was reaching puberty.
Francis of the Rock People consulted Magic Jones about Francis’ recent shrinking down from mountain-size. Jones explained that Francis had shrunk because he couldn’t maintain the energy needed for his immense size. Francis suggested that he might get that energy back by eating a lot, but Jones replied that that would just make him expand horizontally. However, Jones pointed out that Francis’ heart had grown three sizes, and he still had the compassion and wisdom of a mountain.
Chambliss Tucker was wearing the rabbit-head mask she had used as a mascot for the defunct ChamblissTuckerLand. Baron Üterrüs asked her why she kept hiding herself under rabbit masks and elf ears, then theorized that she was constantly trying out new personas because she is out of place in this world. He suggested that she should return to Marietta for her own safety. Chambliss insisted that she belonged here, and that she could infiltrate the elves and be accepted as one of their own. Üterrüs warned her once more (this time in song), but since she refused to listen, he turned his back and walked away.
Tarquin and Keblaar were in the Slop Bucket, preparing for the elfin invasion. Keblaar thanked Tarquin for joining them despite being exiled from their tribe. When Keblaar mentioned that he had helped write the order of exile, Tarquin was outraged. They started arguing, and Keblaar drew his enchanted invisible sword Soulcrusher X. Tarquin didn’t believe the sword was there until Keblaar knocked an arrow from Tarquin’s hand.
Francis and Eileve met in the forest. When Eileve explained that Baron Üterrüs had killed Kalgon, Francis swore to help Eileve in his quest for vengeance. As Eileve puzzled over how to kill the undead, Francis got an idea.
King Plough summoned Magic Jones to the throne room for his monthly review, and asked Jones to rate his own job performance. Jones rated himself a 5 out of 5 in every department, until Plough cut him off and pointed out just how incompetent he was. Plough pointed out that Jones had lost his magic staff, leaving him powerless. Jones argued that he still had some power without the staff, then demonstrated by rapping a spell to make it rain.
Baron Üterrüs offered his services to the elfin army, explaing that he was an expert at baby-mutilating, uniform-tailoring, soul-removal, and various fix-it jobs. In exchange for his services, Üterrüs demanded the enchanted double-sword held by King Plough.
Chambliss Tucker visisted Tarquin’s treehouse, where he was preparing an elfin explosive device consisting of various natural substances in a large back. Tarquin tested the bomb by igniting it, but it turned out to be a dud.
Baron Üterrüs was closing up at Linens Und Thïngs, bidding goodbye to his flowers as he prepared to go to war. Suddenly, Francis and Eileve burst in and confronted him about Kalgon’s murder.
EILEVE: “Hello. My name is Eileve the Gangly Üterrüs, the slighter of hand, fleeter of foot, heir to the throne of Ye Little Points of Five. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”
The Baron asked for one last request, then suddenly planted a “soul kiss” on Eileve.
Keblaar informed King Plough that he was quitting his post as Royal Secretary in order to lead the elf army. Plough was enraged, pointing out that Keblaar hadn’t given him two weeks’ notice. As they argued, Keblaar drew Soulcrusher X, but Plough didn’t believe Keblaar actually had an invisible sword. Keblaar officially declared war on behalf of the elfin army.
Magic Jones found a tearful Baron Üterrüs outside Linens Und Thïngs. The Baron told Jones that inside the store, he would find the shriveled husk of a boy on the brink of death. Üterrüs asked Jones to nurse Eileve back to health, but not to reveal that Üterrüs had asked him to do so. Jones pointed out that Eileve was a threat to both of them, and that he SHOULD be destroyed. Nevertheless, Jones agreed to honor the Baron’s request out of respect.
Inside, Francis was cradling Eileve’s limp body. Magic Jones rushed in and checked Eileve’s pulse, but it was too late. Eileve was dead. Jones heard Baron Üterrüs’ voice, reminding him that there was a spell to bring back Eileve…but at the cost of the spellcaster’s own life. Jones chanted the spell, then collapsed as Eileve sat up once again.
Keblaar and Tarquin were putting the final touches on the invasion plan. Tarquin showed Keblaar his bag of explosives, explaining that he would plant it in the keystone of the castle, bringing the whole thing down. Chambliss arrived, telling them she was on the side of the elfin army. As they celebrated, Chambliss “accidentally” knocked the bag of explosives onto the campfire. As they ran for cover, Chambliss gloated that her plan to blow up the elves had worked…not realizing that the bomb had been another dud, and that Tarquin and Keblaar were still behind her, hearing every word she said.
Despite having lost his left arm in the swordfight with Keblaar, King Plough was preparing for battle when Baron Üterrüs entered and warned him that they were on opposite sides of this war. As a mark of their mutual respect, they told each other their true full names (“King Yancy Plough” and “Baron Portnoy Üterrüs”). They parted as old friends turned honored foes. After Üterrüs’ departure, King Plough delivered a rousing speech to his people. Chambliss ran in and declared her allegiance to King Plough, tearing off her elf ears. Üterrüs returned and defected to Plough’s side. The battle was joined (seen in silhouette), and the forces of Ye Little Points of Five emerged victorious…but Chambliss was struck in the head by King Plough’s sword in the melee.
TO BE CONTINUED…