Episode 4: A Gold Medal in Murder
Buster Banks and Poppi were making cold calls to raise funds for Buster’s movie. When they called on a Mr. Francoise, Poppi started negotiating in French, getting Mr. Francoise to commit $250,000. When Francoise asked “Who do I make the check out to?”, they thought he was saying something about Gerard Depardieu, so they agreed to cast him.
Shula Goldamayer used her menorah to hypnotize Officer Snatch and find out her true feelings about Dan Mandarino.
SNATCH: “Dan Mandarino, he’s really hot…he really likes me…a lot.”
SHULA: “You rhymed! That means it’s true love!”
Angelo Lansbury was on the pier, pitching his cocaine to passersby, when a mysterious stranger walked by. The man introduced himself as Rodriguez Philbin, explaining that he had just come to America from Cuba to avenge his father’s murder. Angelo welcomed Rodriguez to America by giving him a bag of cocaine.
Officer Simpson was fixing breakfast for the Commodore after their night of passion. The Commodore confessed that he wasn’t comfortable with human contact, but Simpson replied that he didn’t seem to uncomfortable last night. She took off the Commodore’s glasses, telling him that he could be really attractive if he loosened up.
When Detective Furman confessed that he was in a very dark mood since losing the enchanted wig, and that he had burned the “impostor” wig, cursing it for ruining his dreams. Poppi pointed out that no hairpiece could ruin Furman’s dreams…only Furman himself did that. As they talked, Poppi’s theme song started playing, and Furman and Poppi danced to it. Poppi realized that Furman had also heard “the inner monologue of the homosexual male,” but Furman denied it.
Buster Banks was in the studio when Rodriguez Philbin knocked on the door. Buster recognized Rodriguez as his old friend from when he spent spring break in Cuba. Rodriguez asked if he and his 12 cousins could stay in Buster’s studio. Buster agreed, on the condition that Rodriguez play the dead body in his movie. When Rodriguez complimented Buster on his Mary Lou Retton-style flag-design jumpsuit, they suddenly got the brilliant idea of asking Mary Lou Retton to co-star in the movie.
Detective Furman was hanging out at Coconutz when Mayor Shula Goldamayer came in and fired him because he’d ordered Snatch to rat on Dan Mandarino. Furman started ranting about how Dan thought he could get away with anything, then Shula reminded Furman that he himself had given Dan immunity from prosecution. Noticing the cocaine on the floor, Shula realized she needed to take drastic measures to help Furman. She handcuffed herself to Furman to keep him away from drugs.
FURMAN: “I’ll die, I tell you!”
SHULA: “Then I’ll drag your dead body around and pretend you’re alive!”
At Coconutz, Poppi offered Angelo his latest drink invention, the “Pooty-Tooter.” As Angelo drank it, a football suddenly flew through the air and struck Angelo.
Out on the streets, Simpson and Snatch were placing a tape outline around a dead body (“This is like a REAL case!”). As they examined the body, Rodriguez Philbin walked up and tried to take the body away. As Simpson and Snatch prepared to arrest him for interfering with a crime scene, he explained about his quest for vengeance.
RODRIGUEZ: “I’m looking for the man who killed my father, and if I have to kill every white woman in this town to do it, I will!…Did I just say that out loud?”
In the hospital, Angelo explained to the Commodore that the football had hit him so hard, he “pooped out his liver.” He now needed a transplant. However, his blood type (B-Positive) was so rare, that the only matches were the other 9 people in the cast.
Buster went to the prison to visit Rodriguez, but was stopped by Officer Simpson at the admittance desk. He identified himself as Buster Banks (“Perhaps you’ve seen one of my movies scrambled on your TV at night”), and Simpson was awestruck. She was a big fan of his movies, but offered him some constructive criticism on the lighting. Impressed, he hired her as a lighting person. As he reached across the desk to shake hands, he accidentally knocked over Simpson’s portable siren, and she slugged him.
Having escaped from jail, Rodriguez Philbin went to Coconutz looking for a job as a cook. Poppi had so much trouble understanding him that Rodriguez finally dropped his accent and asked Poppi not to reveal that he wasn’t really Cuban. Rodriguez explained that years ago, he had seen a videotape of his father being killed, but now he believed that it was actually his father DOING the killing…and that his father was Angelo Lansbury.
Shula Goldamayer dragged Detective Furman to temple for some perspective. As she prayed, God spoke to them and told Furman to read the scroll on the altar. God told him to stare at the scroll and unfocus his eyes until the message appeared.
The Commodore called on Officer Snatch, informing her that his program had named her as the best match for Angelo’s liver. He warned her that if she didn’t donate her liver, he could make life hell for her…even worse than life without a liver.
Rodriguez Philbin was alone in Buster’s studio when Mary Lou Retton arrived, eager to start work on Buster’s movie. Consumed with bloodlust, Rodriguez killed her just as Buster walked in.
As Angelo and Poppi were shopping for funeral clothes (just in case), Poppi warned Angelo about Rodriguez’ quest for vengeance. To show his love, Poppi was prepared to save Angelo in two ways: He would donate half of his liver, plus he would disguise himself as a woman and set himself out as bait to trap Rodriguez.
The Commodore arrived at Buster’s studio and was horrified by the sight of Buster kneeling over Mary Lou Retton’s corpse. (“You’ve killed an innocent woman who looked like a child!”) Buster proclaimed his innocence, and told the Commodore that they had to find Rodriguez Philbin.
BUSTER: “Have you seen a small Hispanic man running around?”
COMMODORE: “In Miami?”
TO BE CONTINUED…