Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Season 6, Episode 6: Orcs and Knives

Episode 6: Orcs and Knives

The orc army gathered outside Ye Little Points of Five finally attacked, and King Plough and his son Kalgon were in the midst of the battle. They regrouped to the safety of a nearby arch, realizing that they must retreat and gather reinforcements. Kalgon thanked his father for having the integrity to go into battle himself and put his own life on the line. (“What kind of ruler would get into a war for economic gain and then send others to do the fighting?”) They had a moment of silence for their fallen knight Jam Master Jay.

Baron Üterrüs confronted Francis of the Rock People regarding Francis’ going back to his old job holding up the castle. Francis apologized for giving in to Kalgon’s request, and Üterrüs gladly took him back. Francis told Üterrüs about the battle, including the bizarre fact that all of the orcs and hobblegoblins just ignored him. The Baron explained that they had left him alone because Üterrüs had ordered it. He confided to Francis that he had orchestrated the attack in order to get back the alabaster sword which could restore his powers.

FRANCIS: “If you are the interior designer you are now, imagine what you could do at your full power!”

Tarquin the Gangly knocked on Chambliss Tucker’s door, and was startled by her car alarm. They talked about their recent three-way with Dewey Claw, and Tarquin assured her that he wouldn’t leave the way Dewey had. Tarquin explained his feelings for her by singing a song about the death of his dog, and how he’d never felt love so strongly until now. Chambliss reminded him that she was still married, and Tarquin was taken aback. He’d been planning to marry Chambliss and start a family, but Chambliss informed him that that boat had sailed, and those tubes had been tied.

On their way back, King Plough and Kalgon stopped in a cave for shelter, where they found Magic Jones living in exile. Since Plough fired him, Jones had been reading a book Chambliss gave him: “What Color Is Your Parachute?” Now that he was no longer employed as a wizard, he’d found a new calling…being a lifeguard! Plough and Kalgon realized that they could use someone to guard their lives on the battlefield. Plus, Jones’ annoying prattle might distract the orcs and get them to attack HIM instead.

PLOUGH: “Now we have a magic-user, a swordsman, and a thief! All we need is…”
JONES: “A battle-cry!”
PLOUGH: “I was going to say a cleric, but close enough.”

Chambliss Tucker came into Linens Und Thïngs drunk and late for work. She blamed her tardiness on Daylight Savings Time, but this concept was unfamiliar to the Baron. When he lectured her on her poor work performance, she countered that the store was losing business because of his high prices. She suggested that he could increase sales by lowering prices and advertising. Üterrüs was impressed by her business sense.

Returning to the kingdom, King Plough addressed the masses with a rousing speech about the battle with the orcs. Plough urged the people to support him in the war and in the upcoming primary election. Suddenly, Francis entered and grabbed the alabaster sword, inserting it into his stony body so that Plough couldn’t take it back. When Plough asked why, Francis pointed out that Plough hadn’t even noticed him fighting alongside him on the battlefield, whereas Baron Üterrüs had shown him gratitude.

Baron Üterrüs and Chambliss were about to leave to spread their advertising campaign when Tarquin burst in and declared his love for Chambliss. He threatened to commit suicide if Chambliss wouldn’t take him. Taking Tarquin aside, Chambliss told him that she couldn’t commit to saying she loved him, but urged him not to kill himself. She suggested that he take that anguish and rage and take it out on the orcs and goblins. Taking her advice, Tarquin walked away, chanting “Kill! Kill! Kill!”

Magic Jones was coaching Kalgon in the ways of war. Kalgon confessed that this was the first time he’d come face to face with his own mortality, and that he was terrified. Jones reassured him that everybody had their own personal afterlife waiting for him. Kalgon replied that he was an atheist, which meant that his afterlife would be nothingness. Jones agreed to guard Kalgon’s life so that he could reconsider his spiritual beliefs. Kalgon accidentally hit himself in the head with his sword, and Jones did his duty by healing him.

Baron Üterrüs was alone in the store when Francis burst through the wall a la Kool-Aid Man. Francis had come to return the alabaster sword, so that Üterrüs could regain his powers and become the greatest interior designer of all time. The Baron replied that he would not only be an interior designer, but an exterior designer as well…he would not only arrange people’s furniture, he would arrange their lives and thoughts as well. Üterrüs laughed maniacally.

King Plough asked Magic Jones to make him proficient with a new weapon now that the alabaster sword had been stolen once again. Jones cast a spell on his lifeguard’s whistle, then told Plough that, by blowing the whistle, he could freeze the orcs in their tracks for a brief period.

Tarquin went to Kalgon and asked to enlist in the army. Tarquin had replaced his bow with a couple of Molly hatchets so that the battle would be a more visceral, hands-on experience. Kalgon recognized Tarquin’s newfound bloodlust as the rage that only comes from a broken heart.

Chambliss Tucker worked the crowed and sang the new jingle for Linens Und Thïngs.

On the battlefield, Tarquin and Kalgon faced off against an unstoppable orc. Suddenly, King Plough entered the fray and blew his enchanted whistle. The orc froze in place, but Plough congratulated himself a little too long, allowing the orc to recover and whack him on the head. As the King fell, Tarquin’s ox Thacko managed to slay the orc by goring it. Kalgon knelt beside his father, who told him that he would have to take the crown. Kalgon protested that he was too weak to handle the responsibilities of being King, but Plough told him that he could take on his strength by taking his mustache. Kalgon pled with his father not to die; Plough replied that the only thing that could save him was the alabaster sword, but it was nowhere to be found. Suddenly, Francis rushed in with the sword. But would Plough reach it in time?


Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Season 6, Episode 5: King for a Day

Episode 5: King for a Day

At Linens Und Thïngs, Baron Üterrüs greeted a mysterious new customer…the half-man/half-cheetah Dewey Edward Claw III, who had come in search of knowledge.

DEWEY: “I would like to take in all your small town has to offer in the way of art and culture.”
ÜTERRÜS: “You’re done.”

Francis of the Rock People paid a visit to Gatormaid’s nest, and told her about his new job, working for Baron Üterrüs as an interior decorator. She asked him for some advice, and he suggested that she get rid of all the leaves. When she pointed out that the nest was MADE of leaves, Francis got very snotty, then apologized. He explained that the attitude came with the job. Gatormaid understood, since her own meanness is part of her alligator nature. Neither of them had anything more to say, so Francis left.

Having stolen the alabaster sword back from Üterrüs, Kalgon brought it to King Plough. However, rather than simply handing it over, Kalgon attempted to make a bargain for it. Kalgon wanted a taste of power, but Plough decided to teach him a lesson by giving him more than he bargained for…sentencing him to be king for 24 hours. The crown weighed heavy on Kalgon’s head.

Tarquin the Gangly climbed down from his treehouse to visit Chambliss Tucker, whose Lincoln Navigator was now embedded in the tree that had grown around it. She offered him a Capri Sun (“It’s like nectar…with more sugar!”) and showed him photos of her husband and children. Tarquin told her a little bit about the elfin way of life, then sang a ballad to seduce her.

King Kalgon attempted to persuade Francis to return to his job holding up the castle. When Francis explained about his new job and responsibilities, Kalgon started whining about the responsibilities he’d been saddled with. Francis finally agreed to come back. Rather than being pleased, Kalgon was now tortured by the guilt of having forced Francis to give up his dream.

Baron Üterrüs was foraging in the forest for rare pigments, when he ran into Gatormaid. He told her that he knew what it was like to be caught between two worlds, never to know love. He offered to help her, in exchange for an unspecified future favor. She agreed.

Chambliss Tucker and Tarquin were on the verge of a kiss when Dewey Claw walked by. Seizing the opportunity to discourage Tarquin’s affections, Chambliss invited Dewey in. Dewey noticed that Tarquin was trying too hard to seduce Chambliss, and offered him some romantic advice.

DEWEY: “You must do three things. One, look into her eyes. Two, show her your soul. Three, lie.”

Taking him literally, Tarquin called forth his soul and showed it to Chambliss.

Some time later, Chambliss wrote in her diary: “Dear Diary, I just had sex with an elf and a cheetah. Now, I just have to have sex with a baron, a king, and a thief. Till then…”

Citizen Plough was enjoying his newfound freedom when he came across Francis holding up the castle wall. Plough urged Francis to ditch his responsibilities, just as Plough had. They had a montage of irresponsible fun. However, Francis could easily see through Plough’s carefree exterior and saw the mid-life crisis brewing inside him. Francis saw that Plough truly wanted to reclaim his crown and protect the kingdom, but was being held back by his pride. Plough insisted on an apology from Kalgon.

King Kalgon was languishing in despair when Dewey Claw entered and offered to help take the weight off his head. Deeply comforted, Kalgon reminisced about a cat he once owned…a cat who was cursed by an evil sorcerer and transformed into a highbrow. Kalgon remembered how he and his cultural cat would sneak into plays and sometimes throw up in the back row. Dewey revealed that he was that same cat.

Tarquin and Gatormaid discussed the quandaries of love; Gatormaid lamented her loveless existence while Tarquin bragged about his liaison with Chambliss. Gatormaid replied that she’d had her share of mindless sex, but had learned that there’s no satisfaction without genuine love. Tarquin told her that she might just find true love with another kindred spirit. He started telling her about Dewey Claw, and Gatormaid noticed that Tarquin was just a little too enthusiastic in his praise. (“You really are part fairy, aren’t you?”)

Baron Üterrüs was tending his shop when Chambliss came in late for work. The Baron lectured her on her tardiness, particularly since she has so few responsibilities to begin with. Suddenly, he noticed the glow about her, and the familiar scent of passion. Chambliss confessed that he’d just had sex with Tarquin and then Dewey. She started to go into detail, but Üterrüs couldn’t bear to hear it (“Every word is like an alabaster shaft up my rectum!”). Üterrüs broke down and declared his love for her.

Gatormaid was moping along the street when Dewey Claw sauntered up cheerfully. They recognized each other as fellow human/animal hybrids. Gatormaid was overjoyed to meet another of her kind, not to mention being impressed by Dewey’s good manners. Dewey offered to teach her etiquette, and she was eager to learn. Dewey bade her farewell by licking his fingers and making a suggestive gesture.

Citizen Plough was gambling with some street urchins when King Kalgon approached. Kalgon wanted to be released from his burden, but Plough demanded an apology. Kalgon finally relented, and Plough lifted the crown from his brow.

PLOUGH: “Rise, my son. And when I say ‘rise, my son,’ I mean it in the most literal sense.”

King Plough revealed that he had an affair with Kalgon’s mother many years ago, and that Kalgon was indeed his son. This day had been a test, for one day Kalgon truly would be king. Kalgon was terrified by this revelation.


Monday, December 29, 2008

Season 6, Episode 4: Double-Dates and Double-Crosses

Episode 4: Double-Dates and Double-Crosses

King Plough returned from his visit to Queen Franklin of Atlantia, bringing back with him an exotic brew known as “Bud Light.” Magic Jones reluctantly informed the king that Kalgon had sold his throne and sword in a yard sale. The king was not pleased.

Francis of the Rock People apologized to Gatormaid for the destruction he brought to the forest, but she barely reacted. She explained that she was trying to suppress her gator temper and be more womanly, since Friar Kack had taken the magic emerald back to his monastery, dashing her hopes of becoming a complete alligator. Francis urged her to embrace her true nature, or at least her current one. He suggested that she indulge both her feminine and her reptilian desires; for example, having sex with a guy and then eating him.

Baron Üterrüs had brought King Plough’s throne to Tarquin’s treehouse as the first step in his redecorating scheme. The Baron told Tarquin about a wondrous invention he had devised, which he called “drywall.” However, Tarquin was thinking of forming natural walls by planting the magical seeds he had obtained, growing new trees around his house. Üterrüs was sickened by the elf’s devotion to nature, but agreed to Tarquin’s suggestion, as long as Üterrüs could install a touch of his own…wainscotting.

Kalgon snuck into Linens Und Thïngs and asked Chambliss to return the throne and sword. Chambliss was very happy with her purchase, and didn’t want her money back. Kalgon demanded to speak with her manager, and Baron Üterrüs emerged from behind the counter in a puff of smoke. Kalgon demanded the sword and the throne, threatening to use his “influence with the shadows.” Kalgon tried to punctuate his threat by smashing a vase, but it didn’t break.

Francis went to King Plough to request a vacation from his job holding up the castle, explaining that he now had additional responsibilities as the leader of Friar Kack’s order of monks. King Plough was intrigued by this revelation, and asked Francis to summon the monks. Unfortunately, being very dim, Francis had forgotten the mystic phrase to call them. The King refused to give Francis time off without proof of his new position. In response, Francis quit.

Magic Jones visited Gatormaid with a surprise…he had finally designed a chair especially for her unique anatomy. Gatormaid tried out the chair, and was amazed.

GATORMAID: “I’m sitting! I’m in great comfort! I’m…moving backwards? Is that supposed to happen?”

Looking behind her, she discovered that she was moving because Kalgon was trying to steal the chair out from under her, to use as a substitute for King Plough’s missing throne. Kalgon lamented that he was a failure both as a reformed man and as a thief. Jones and Gatormaid cheered him up with a game of crazyball.

Tarquin the Gangly planted his magic seeds around Chambliss Tucker’s Lincoln Navigator (which he still believed to be the skeleton of a dragon), praying to Gaea and Queen Titania to replenish the forest. His prayers woke up Chambliss, who came out of the car to say hello. As Tarquin explained what he was doing, several trees instantly grew around the car, blocking Chambliss from re-entering.

Kalgon confessed his crimes to King Plough, who angrily poked the thief with his substitute sword (which was too blunt and weak to do any damage). Kalgon realized that, by stealing the only effective weapon in the castle, he had left the entire kingdom defenseless. King Plough confirmed that “We are at the mercy of the dwarves, the elves, the trolls, and the smurfs!” It was only Plough’s reputation as a great warrior that held his enemies at bay; by disarming the king, Kalgon had exposed the kingdom’s weakness. However, King Plough was not angry, because “a man must fail before he succeeds.” He then ordered Kalgon to succeed in getting his stuff back.

Francis went to Linens Und Thïngs in search of a new job. Baron Üterrüs granted him a job interview, posing a very difficult decorating problem. Much to his surprise, Francis came up with a creative and intelligent solution (involving a trompe l’oeil painting). The Baron was amazed by Francis’ talent, and accepted him as his ally, his “third.” Üterrüs laughed maniacally, and Francis joined in (even though he didn’t get it).

Chambliss Tucker gave Gatormaid a makeover for her upcoming date, dressing her up in a beret and a feather boa. (“Now you look all Parisian and drunk!”) Gatormaid enthusiastically explained her plans for the evening (“I’m gonna fuck him, and then I’m gonna eat him!”). Chambliss gave Gatormaid a congratulatory smack on the arm.

Magic Jones was using his powers to hold up the castle in Francis’ absence. Francis came back to pick up some of his things, and told Jones about his new job with Baron Üterrüs. Jones was dismayed to realized that Francis had become Üterrüs’s “third.” Francis still couldn’t figure out what this meant. Jones explained that if Baron Üterrüs gathered “the four,” the entire kingdom would become one big barren uterus (“Just say his name and take out the umlauts!”). Francis refused to believe him, since Üterrüs had shown Francis the respect and appreciation that Plough and Jones never had.

At Tarquin’s treehouse, Baron Üterrüs objected to the chaotic, uncontrolled nature of the regrown forest. Tarquin admitted that there was something to be said for order. The Baron explained Tarquin’s un-elflike desire for dullness by telling him a “fable.” Many centuries ago, Üterrüs explained, a powerful wizard met an elfin woman, and they shared a love forbidden between humans and elves. The woman had a child, whose halfling nature she had to conceal. As the Baron related this “legend,” Kalgon snuck up behind him to take back King Plough’s sword.

King Plough was getting ready for his dates with Gatormaid and Chambliss Tucker, who were waiting simultaneously in two separate rooms in the castle. Plough asked Magic Jones to help him carry out this deception by taking his place with each woman whenever he was with the other. Wacky hijinks ensued as the king and the wizard raced back and forth between the two rooms. Eventually, the truth emerged. As Gatormaid and Chambliss stormed off in a huff, King Plough warned Jones that he had screwed up for the last time.


Sunday, December 28, 2008

Season 6, Episode 3: The Friar This Time

Episode 3: The Friar This Time

Gatormaid was walking through the forest when the enigmatic Friar Kack arrived. He explained that he had been sent by his order to contact their master, Schmegma the Dragon. At the mention of Schmegma’s name, Gatormaid got carried away with emotion as she spoke of her connection with the dragon. Friar Kack gave her some wine to calm her down…a lot of wine, actually.

King Plough was away from the kingdom (either visiting Queen Franklin of Atlantia, or recovering from injuries sustained during his date with Gatormaid, depending on whom you believe). In his absence, Magic Jones was in charge of Castle Post. The wizard discovered Kalgon dragging the king’s throne outside the castle. Kalgon explained that, as the newly-appointed Knight Butler, he was cleaning up the castle by holding a yard sale. Magic Jones expressed his disapproval, and the two of them engaged in a brief swordfight.

Baron Üterrüs came to redecorate Tarquin’s treehouse. Tarquin received him as hospitably as possible, despite the fact that Tarquin was coming down with the Black Plague. The Baron examined Tarquin and informed him that he was ill because Francis was cursed to see his friends die around him; Tarquin was suffering from a second-hand curse. Tarquin urged the Baron to help him lift the curse, but Üterrüs replied that he was only hired as a decorator, not as a sorceror. When Tarquin learned that Kalgon was in Üterrüs’ debt for his services, Tarquin resolved to indebt himself to Kalgon.

In boulder form, Francis of the Rock People rolled up to Chambliss Tucker’s Lincoln Navigator. He told her about Tarquin’s illness, and she searched through the immense car until she found her first-aid kit. They sang a happy little jingle about first aid.

Friar Kack visited Kalgon’s yard sale in search of information. Kalgon informed Kack that Schegma had been slain by a woman from another age. Stunned by this revelation, Kack announced that his brethren would soon arrive for vengeance.

Running to spread the warning about the invading monks, Magic Jones ran into Francis. Discovering that Francis’ presence made him sneeze, Jones offered to prepare a salve (pronounced “saaaaaaalve”) to alleviate the curse. Then Jones remembered what he was doing, and warned Francis about the friars. After a very confused conversation, Magic suggested that Francis use his boulder form to roll over the friars when they arrive.

Chambliss Tucker arrived at the castle just as Kalgon was shutting down the yard sale. Kalgon insisted that the sale was over, but she finally pressured him into selling King Plough’s throne. When Kalgon quoted her a price of 10,000 gold pieces, she offered him some “treasures” from her era instead (baby powder, an asthma inhaler, etc.). When Kalgon learned that she had been sent by Baron Üterrüs, he offered to sell her the King’s sword cheap, and throw in the throne for free.

Having been told to kill the friars, Francis consulted Baron Üterrüs for advice on how to kill. The Baron noticed the emerald embedded in Francis’ fist, and they discussed the curse. Üterrüs agreed to help Francis, since Francis had done him a favor. Francis didn’t remember helping the Baron, so the Baron reminded him that two months ago, Francis was tunneling through the earth and came across a large rune-covered box, slightly larger than the Baron himself. Francis smashed through the box and went on his way, and now Üterrüs owed Francis a debt. To repay him, the Baron told Francis that he could remove the gem and lift the curse by sacrificing a life.

Gatormaid and Tarquin were preparing for the friars’ arrival and discussing Francis’ curse. Tarquin believed that the emerald could only be removed by the Queen of England, but that was probably just the plague talking.

Magic Jones met Friar Kack, informing the monk that he knew about Kack’s quest for vengeance. Jones warned the friar that he wouldn’t let Kack harm Chambliss Tucker (inadvertently revealing to Kack just who his target was). They engaged in a battle of magic, with Jones casting a spell of brain-freeze upon Kack, while Kack cast a spell of incontinence upon Jones. They realized that they were at a stand-off, so Jones made an insincere offer to lead Kack to Chambliss.

Chambliss Tucker brought King Plough’s sword to Linens Und Thïngs, where Baron Üterrüs collapsed at the sight of it. He urged her to take the sword far away, explaining that it was his weakness. Chambliss compared it to her weakness for Butterfingers, and how she faced her weakness and built up her willpower by holding the candy bar and resisting its power. She handed the sword to Üterrüs.

ÜTERRÜS: “IT BURNS! It Burns!…But now it burns a little less.”

Tarquin and Gatormaid ran into Kalgon, who was carrying his profits from the yard sale. He showed them the money that he had earned “legitimately,” and offered to share it with them. Tarquin told Kalgon that he was dying of the plague, and that his dying wish was for them to use the emerald’s power to protect the forest and undo its destruction. Kalgon realized that the emerald only had enough power to restore either the forest or Gatormaid, but not both.

Magic Jones led Friar Kack to the forest, where Francis was pretending to be Chambliss. Kack saw the enchanted emerald on Francis’ fist, and dropped to his knees in fealty. Francis dropped the ruse, since it hadn’t worked anyway. Friar Kack explained that, as Francis bore the Eye of Püff DeMagik, the dragon, Kack’s order owed Francis their obedience. Francis ordered Kack not to seek vengeance against Chambliss. Kack was torn between the two imperatives, but agreed to do as Francis said. Francis realized that, unlike Baron Üterrüs, Friar Kack had great goodness and honor in him, and that the friar could lift the curse without a blood sacrifice. Friar Kack removed the gem from Francis’ hand, freeing him from the curse. The monk told Francis that he could call on Kack’s brethren anytime by uttering the mystic phrase “Get on down here now!”

Resisting the pain of holding the sword, Baron Üterrüs plotted to summon a demon to restore his undead soul, which was stolen when the sword pierced his nether regions so many centuries ago.


Saturday, December 27, 2008

Season 6, Episode 2: The Sword and the Stone

Episode 2: The Sword and the Stone

Kalgon, the fleet of foot and sleight of hand, was briefing Tarquin the Gangly and Francis of the Rock People on his plan to steal the enchanted emerald from the cave of the late Schmegma the Dragon. Francis didn’t approve of stealing, but agreed to do as Kalgon said.

Gatormaid petitioned King Plough for equal rights and fair treatment for the curse-afflicted.

PLOUGH: “Oh, and I suppose you’ll be wanting special parking places for your horse!”
PLOUGH: “Well, since you said it louder than me, I agree.”

King Plough told Gatormaid that he understood what it was like to be alone and different from others, being a king. He invited her to his boudoir (“which, I believe, means bedroom”). Gatormaid suggested that he could visit her nest instead, but he declined.

At “Linens Und Thïngs,” Baron Üterrüs was training Chambliss Tucker in the art of flower arranging. Üterrüs observed that the King had taken to Chambliss, and proposed that she use her feminine persuasion to influence the King’s decisions.

Kalgon, Tarquin and Francis arrived at Smoke Mountain to take the emerald. Tarquin also grabbed a handful of miscellaneous treasure, but Francis shamed him into putting it back. Kalgon explained that the emerald would restore Gatormaid to her true self, and, as a side effect, would protect the forest from being turned into a parking lot. Finding the emerald embedded in the cave wall, Tarquin attempted to dislodge it with an arrow, to no effect. Francis managed to pry the emerald loose, causing an immediate thunderstorm and compelling Kalgon to sing. The adventurers discovered that the emerald was now embedded in Francis’ stone hand.

Gatormaid paid a visit to Baron Üterrüs for assistance with her curse. The Baron recalled that many years ago, when Smoke Mountain was known as Castle Gayskull, he possessed a great emerald…the eye of the Dragon God Püff DeMagik, father of Schmegma. The Baron explained that, when retrieved with the proper enchantment, the gem grants power over all things scaly. However, if it is removed with brute force, it brings a curse upon the taker.

Chambliss Tucker arrived at the King’s throne room and redecorated the window with a burlap drape. King Plough told her that, if she ever tires of working for Baron Üterrüs, she would always have a place by his side. He further explained that, since she had saved his life by slaying Schmegma, he must reward her by seeing to her comfort. She replied that she was most comfortable in her Lincoln Navigator.

Tarquin the Gangly brought Kalgon to his tree house and offered him some yak milk. Kalgon revealed that he was feeling remorse for his life of thievery, explaining that he only stole because he had nobody in his life. Tarquin understood the lengths to which loneliness can drive a man (or elf); he recalled how he had gone far north to find a companion, and wound up working at the home of a fat man in a red suit.

Unable to climb the tree and bored with waiting for Tarquin and Kalgon to come down, Francis was wandering through the forest when he came across Gatormaid cooking some raccoon stew. Gatormaid noticed the emerald stuck on Francis’ hand, and tried to tell him about the curse (though she was incoherent with panic).

Kalgon snuck into Linens Und Thïngs and shoplifted some material before greeting Baron Üterrüs. Kalgon asked the Baron for advice on sprucing up Tarquin’s treehouse, and Üterrüs began to envision his decorating scheme. Kalgon deliberately dropped the fabric he had stolen, then explained that he was having a crisis of conscience, and wanted to reform. The Baron was intrigued by the dual challenges of decorating a treehouse and re-corrupting Kalgon.

Later, King Plough consulted Baron Üterrüs for advice on decorating two different bedrooms for his separate dates with Gatormaid and Chambliss. As they conversed, the Baron began feeling unwell whenever Plough brought his sword close. The King explained the sword’s history: Many centuries ago, his ancestor, a simple ploughman named Donald Horowitz, confronted an evil tyrant whose name is long forgotten, overthrowing the villain by plunging an alabaster rod into his nether regions. The humble ploughman became King Plough the First, and commemorated his victory by turning the rod into a sword which was passed down through the ages. Baron Üterrüs had a flashback to his painful defeat.

Gatormaid and Chambliss Tucker were dishing about their upcoming dates, and eventually realized that they had both been asked out by King Plough. They started working on a scheme to teach the King a lesson.

Kalgon called upon King Plough to ask for honest employment. The King admitted that he was in need of someone to clean the castle, since he’d grown too dependent on Magic Jones’ cleaning spells. Plough dubbed Kalgon his new Knight Butler, and told him to get to work. Immediately, Kalgon quit. He explained that he just couldn’t bring himself to do honest work, since all he knew was thievery. King Plough convinced Kalgon to return by explaining that his position as butler would grant him great opportunity for stealing.

Tarquin was frolicking in the forest when Francis rushed up, greatly troubled. Because of the gem’s curse, foliage was dying wherever Francis passed. At Francis’ urging, Tarquin communed with nature in the Elvish tongue and learned all about the curse. Tarquin urged Francis to backtrack over his steps so that he won’t pass by any more plants. Francis decided to go one better, and turned himself into an immobile boulder.

Atop Smoke Mountain, Baron Üterrüs was wrestling with the problem of how to take King Plough’s sword when it’s the very thing that weakens him. He decided to manipulate the townspeople into taking the sword far away…after which, Baron Üterrüs would rule once more!


Friday, December 26, 2008

Season 6, Episode 1: The Fellowship of Ye Little Points of Five

And now, a new season, a new cast of characters, and a new setting...this time, the realms of fantasy!

Episode 1: The Fellowship of Ye Little Points of Five

Our tale begins with the master thief Kalgon entering the treasure room of the Mountain of Smoke. As the treasures were too heavy for him to haul off, he staked his claim by writing his name upon the wall. As he did so, he noticed embedded in the wall the largest gem he’d ever seen. Grabbing a nearby mallet, he pounded away at the gem but was unable to dislodge it. He decided to seek out someone he could trick into assisting him. Kalgon left, unaware that his pounding had awakened the dreaded dragon Schmegma. As the dragon read the intruder’s name upon the wall, Kalgon returned to retrieve his pencil. Kalgon immediately fled screaming at the sight of Schmegma.

In his castle, King Plough consulted with the wizard Magic Jones on how to improve Ye Little Points of Five. King Plough suggested forging his hoard of precious metals into plates to cover the holes in the roads, but Jones preferred the idea of turning the metal into artworks. King Plough snapped at Jones’ suggestion, then apologized, explaining that he was upset because Queen Franklin of Atlantia had refused his invitation to tea. Jones offered to use his staff’s enchanted crystal to spy on Queen Franklin, and they observed her taking a shower. King Plough took the wizard’s staff for “safekeeping,” and the unsupported Jones collapsed.

Out in the forest, the adventurers Tarquin the Gangly and Gatormaid were relaxing by the fire. Gatormaid’s reptilian legs and tail made it difficult for her to sit, so the elf offered himself as a chair. Suddenly, Tarquin’s ox Thacko sensed a disturbance in the distance. Alerted to danger, Tarquin and Gatormaid sniffed the air and immediately recognized the smell of Schmegma. They set off to consult the elders to find out how to defeat the dragon.

Meanwhile, the wicked Baron Üterrüs was working at his lair of evil, “Linens Und Thïngs,” when King Plough entered, seeking assistance on beautifying Castle Post. Üterrüs suggested window treatments. When Plough asked him to explain what he meant, Üterrüs looked the king in the eye and planted the vision in his head. Impressed, Plough hired the Baron as his royal decorator, giving him free rein and the keys to the castle.

Tarquin the Gangly rode to Castle Post and warned Magic Jones about Schmegma’s awakening. Tarquin recalled that his people lost 8,000 of their number in the last battle with Schmegma…of course, the elves are ALWAYS losing 8,000 of their number in some disaster or another.

Still fleeing in terror, Kalgon ran into Francis of the Rock People. Kalgon attempted to explain what he saw, gesticulating wildly. As he did so, a mask fell from Kalgon’s sleeve (or from the heavens, depending on whom you believe). Kalgon tried on the mask, and Francis was unable to recognize him, despite the fact that Kalgon had donned the mask right in front of Francis’ eyes. (“The mask has special powers! File that one away.”) Removing the mask and resuming their conversation, Kalgon reminded Francis of the time Francis attempted to hold up a collapsing dam, but let go after a stick hit him in the eye. Francis resolved not to fail again.

On his way back to the castle, King Plough was napping in the forest when Schmegma arrived. As the dragon attacked, a mysterious portal suddenly opened behind them, and a 2003 Lincoln Navigator emerged and ran over Schmegma. As the confused driver emerged from the car, King Plough thanked the mysterious savior who had slain the dragon. The woman explained that she had just been on the way to pick up her kids and was talking on her cell phone when she suddenly found herself here. Plough invited her to the castle, then celebrated Schmegma’s death with a victory song.

Baron Üterrüs was checking the windows at Castle Post when Magic Jones entered. The two old adversaries faced off, but Jones’ spells could do no more than give the Baron a very slight fever. Üterrüs gloated that Jones’ powers were weak, and that he would be no more if he exhausted his powers. The Baron then addressed Jones as “My old master.”

As Gatormaid was preparing dinner in the woods, Kalgon arrived wearing the enchanted mask. Gatormaid recognized Kalgon regardless, and permitted him to mooch some of her food. Removing the mask, Kalgon explained that he had awakened Schmegma. At the mention of the dragon’s name, Gatormaid’s interest was piqued. She revealed that, as she was of Schmegma’s kind, the jewel in his lair could restore her to her full alligator self. Kalgon explained that the gem had fallen down the mountain, then donned the mask once again. Gatormaid told him that the mask’s powers don’t fool her “gator senses,” explaining that she got a tingling feeling running down her reptile half below the legs. (“Let me get this straight. I turn on your reptilian self, but not the woman in you?”)

Francis of the Rock People ran into Tarquin the Gangly. They soon realized that they were both searching for Schmegma, and decided to join forces. Finding a weapons rack, Tarquin grabbed a bow and arrows, while Francis attempted to pick up a sword between his stone hands.

King Plough led his new acquaintance, Chambliss Tucker, to Castle Post.

PLOUGH: “I rule all you can see…unless you have really excellent vision, because I don’t rule that over there in the distance.”

Chambliss was impressed by the castle, explaining that she’d never met royalty before. Plough replied that he could make her a queen. Suddenly, Baron Üterrüs entered and was stunned by the sight of Chambliss, whom he mistook for his lost love Ilsabetta. After Plough introduced them to each other, Üterrüs offered Chambliss a position as an apprentice in his redecorating business.

Magic Jones was preparing to cast a spell to organize a parade, when Gatormaid rushed in. Jones offered her a seat, which she was unable to use comfortably. Gatormaid asked why Jones hadn’t yet found a potion to restore her. He apologized for his fading powers, and cautioned her that she might need to seek out a stronger wizard. Jones resolved to keep trying to restore her…or at least design a chair that she can actually sit in.

Searching for Schmegma, Tarquin and Francis discovered Chambliss Tucker’s Lincoln Navigator in the forest. Mistaking the strange metal chariot for a dragon, they were about to attack when Kalgon arrived and informed them that Schmegma had been slain. Tarquin was disappointed that their adventure was over before they’d even started, but Kalgon offered them a new quest to retrieve the lost gem from the dragon’s lair.

Baron Üterrüs was showing Chambliss around his shop, explaining that he was in the business of potions, spells, murder and decorating. He told Chambliss that he was strongly attracted to her, but she explained that she has a husband back home in Marietta. Besides, a relationship wouldn’t be a good idea because he was her boss (not to mention being kind of scary). Chambliss asked what there was to eat in this neighborhood, and Üterrüs suggested “elvin goodies, dwarvish tidbits, and hobbit little pies.”

CHAMBLISS: “Well, I’ll try anything once.”
ÜTERRÜS: “Really? How do you feel about necrophilia?”


Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Season 5, Episode 28: How the West Was Done

The final episode of Season 5!

Episode 28: How the West Was Done

Brigham Young and Jesus Christ were playing horseshoes. Brigham confided that, since his old feelings for Red Clay had returned, he had begun to doubt his divine mission to found the Mormons. Jesus replied that, now that the Mormons were up and running, Brigham’s mission was complete and he was now free to follow his own path.

BRIGHAM: “So my obligation to God is done? I can be an old silly gay man here in Atlanta?”
JESUS: “There’s no better place to be an old silly gay man!”

Red Clay communed with his Chipapoo ancestors by the campfire. Red Clay explained that he was torn between his feelings for Brigham and his feelings for Constance. The spirits explained that Red Clay was “bi-curious.” Since Red Clay had both the teats of a woman and the man-root of a man, the spirits ordered him to make a choice and chop off one or the other with his tomahawk. Red Clay protested that the situation was not that simple…he wanted to love Constance as a woman, and Brigham as a man. (“Red Clay DOUBLE-gay!”) The spirits informed him that, if this is the path he must follow, they could not accompany him.

Roswell Diabolicus was playing with a few of his indestructible babies when Constance arrived. Despite their invulnerability, Constance was concerned with the way Roswell was treating them. She offered to bring them up as invincible good people. Just to get her out of the castle, Roswell agreed to let her raise two of the children her way, knowing that two indestructible good babies would be no match for his army of indestructible evil babies.

At the schoolhouse, Will McGotnuthin finished up his lesson about zebras. He then realized that he’d taught the children everything in the encyclopedia, so there was nothing left to teach them. Realizing that they now knew everything, the kids ran out, singing “School’s Out!” Madeline arrived, surprised to find Will back in town. He told her that he’d come back for her. He apologized for leaving town before, but explained that his sisters would have killed Madeline if he’d stayed.

MADELINE: “Really, Will, you think I couldn’t defend myself against three actresses?”
WILL: “It does sound kind of silly in retrospect.”

Will explained his desperation by telling Madeline the origin of his family name…they were called “McGotnuthin” because they had nothing…they were poor and Scottish. Will asked Madeline to be his committed life partner. Because he was a progressive kind of guy, he would never ask Madeline to take his name…instead, he offered to combine their names into “McGot-Clementine.” Madeline joyfully accepted, and told Will that he did indeed “got Clementine.”

Ass Masterson and Trapper Jean were hauling a deer carcass off the road, as Jean bragged that the baby army would soon be littering the streets with many more carcasses. Ass took a stand against Jean’s plans, and they sang a duet titled “You’re Either With Trapper Jean or Against Him.” When the song ended, Jean tried to persuade Ass to join him. Jean explained that they could rule together once the babies had done all the dirty work. There was no danger of the babies themselves taking over, since they had been genetically programmed with only a one-year lifespan.

JEAN: “They are replicants!”
ASS: “I’m sure that’s referrin’ to somethin’ I don’t know about.”

Red Clay took Constance to the general store, where he explained that he’d read that certain types of weed-killer can turn frogs into hermaphrodites. With that, Red Clay drank the weed-killer, so that he could become both male and female and satisfy both his lovers.

CONSTANCE: “Red Clay, I liked you the way you were!”
RED CLAY: “Oops.”

Will McGotnuthin paid a visit to Brigham Young’s new residence, the Casa de la Leisure. Brigham apologized for returning to Little One Point after promising to leave for good. They realized that they had to work together once again to fight the army of indestructible evil babies, but then Brigham would REALLY leave this time.

Roswell Diabolicus and Trapper Jean proudly surveyed the carnage their army had wrought. Roswell informed Jean that this may have been his last evil deed. Roswell was about to have a final showdown with his brother, Jesus Christ. If Roswell didn’t survive, he wanted Jean to build a monument of evil in his name…a Gap or a Wal-Mart, perhaps. Jean suggested a Starbucks as the ultimate shrine of evil.

Will McGotnuthin and Madeline Clementine prepared for their commitment ceremony. Will explained that they would seal their relationship with a blood oath. They each cut their palms and clasped hands, then sang “Joined by the Hemoglobin”…their first duet as Will and Madeline McGot-Clementine.

Red Clay went to the Casa de la Leisure, and informed Brigham that he had made a decision. Now that he was a hermaphrodite, he suggested a three-way marriage between Brigham, Red Clay, and Constance. Brigham stunned Red Clay by refusing. Brigham explained that he had divorced all 27 of his wives by sending a telegraph to Utah. Just as Brigham had forsaken all others, he needed Red Clay to be equally monogamous.

Roswell Diabolicus and Jesus Christ faced off for their showdown. They would have a duel of waters, with Jesus armed with Holy Water and Roswell armed with Unholy Water (also known as Coca-Cola). They would swig a mouthful of their respective weapons, take ten paces, turn, and spit. Before they began, Jesus apologized for not being a better brother to Roswell. Roswell appeared touched that Jesus showed compassion for him, and always looked for the good in even the most evil man…then Roswell started ranting about how much he HATED that goodness! As Roswell raved, Jesus suddenly spit a mouthful of Holy Water at Roswell. Roswell melted, leaving only his hat and beard in a heap on the ground. With Roswell defeated, Jesus called the army of indestructible babies. Jesus pulled out the Chipapoo kazoo (the instrument for which Red Clay’s people had traded their land) and called for the babies to follow him out to the sea. Jesus started playing “The Rose” as he led the army out of Little One Point.

Five years later, Brigham Young and Red Clay reflected on their turmoil-filled past, and the peaceful, happy family existence they now led.

BRIGHAM: “I’ve fathered 111 children with my 27 wives, but I never liked any of them. These I had with you…A-OK.”

As the sun set on Little One Point, Ass Masterson left us all with one final piece of wisdom. Damned if I could figure it out, though.


Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Season 5, Episode 27: Look! Up in the Sky!

Episode 27: Look! Up in the Sky!

Constance Snell turned the keys to Jed’s Saloon over to Red Clay, since she would be too busy with her new duties as mayor to run the bar. Red Clay apologized for stealing the bar away from her while he was in his guise as Titsy McJugpuddles. They had an awkward discussion about the attraction between Constance and “Titsy,” and now neither one of them was sure of their sexuality. On top of that, Red Clay informed Constance that he had gone to retrieve the treaty granting him ownership of Little One Point, but found a rude note in its place. He asked Constance to help him get the treaty back. Constance was uncertain until Red Clay made up her mind by shoving his breasts in her face.

Ass Masterson was teaching the class about the first man to climb Mt. Everest, although the lesson was disrupted by one kid’s protests about the teacher’s seatless pants. Suddenly, Will McGotnuthin returned, and the children were delighted to see their old teacher. Ass was equally overjoyed, because he’d fallen in love with Will during the McGotnuthin family’s rape & robbing spree. Will protested that the rape was just a standard part of the family’s MO, and that there wasn’t any emotional factor involved. Will then explained that they couldn’t have a future together because Will loved Ass’ sister Madeline. Ass agreed not to come between them, and took comfort in the fact that perhaps their relationship will answer his prayer to become an uncle.

At Castle Gayskull, Roswell Diabolicus was contemplating his evil plans. (“Now that there are only two episodes left, it’s time for me to actually start DOING something!”) With Trapper Jean at his side, Roswell addressed the people of Little One Point using a giant megaphone. He informed the populace that he had fired the Rhode Island Cannon into the air, and that if his demands weren’t met, the Rhode Island-sized cannonball would come straight down upon the town in one hour. When someone asked how he would stop the cannonball if his demands WERE met, Roswell irritably explained that he would fire the Slightly-Larger-Than-Rhode-Island cannonball to deflect the original shot. The evil duo then issued their terms: Constance must turn over the mayoral office to Trapper Jean, Jesus Christ must be handed over to Roswell, and the indestructible baby must be given to Jean.

Unaware of the evil goings-on, Jesus Christ and Brigham Young were organizing a bake sale. Brigham wondered whether he should get back in touch with his ex-lover Red Clay, and Jesus explained the “three days” rule of calling back. Jesus then lectured Brigham about his reckless handling of the baby (“He’s indestructible, but he still needs love!”). Suddenly, the Rhode Island cannonball blocked out the sun, and Jesus and Brigham speculated about the cause of the mysterious sudden darkness.

BRIGHAM: “There’s only one person who could do this…your brother.”
JESUS: “I have a brother?!”

Desperate to hang on to her power, Constance tried to swap clothes with Ass Masterson to fool Trapper Jean. Ass refused to participate in the foolish plan, and told Constance that if her office truly meant anything to her, she would do what was best for the town by surrendering her mayoral sash. (“This piece of paper isn’t your dream. Your dream is your dream. Dream it!”) Constance called out to Roswell that she was giving in to his demands, but she had one piece of legislation to enact before she leaves office. With that, she outlawed the Rhode Island Cannon. Roswell simply replied that now he wouldn’t be able to deflect the cannonball, but Ass protested that she HADN’T outlawed the Slightly-Larger-Than-Rhode-Island Cannon.

Despite the impending doom, Brigham Young took a nap with the baby in his arms. Trapper Jean sneaked in and stole the baby, leaving a bobcat in Brigham’s arms. Brigham woke up, but Jean started singing a lullaby to him. Brigham warned Jean that only death would keep him from hunting Jean down to reclaim his son. Then Brigham fell asleep.

JEAN: “Aw, look at him…so sweet…so innocent. If I was smart, I’d shoot him in the face right now. But I scored low on my SAT’s.”

Constance held a meeting with Will McGotnuthin and Ass Masterson, trying to figure out how to foil Roswell’s plans. She realized that the only skill she had to use against them was whoring.

WILL: “Are you suggesting you go up there and sex him into submission?”

Red Clay stopped by the general store to buy moccasins, and found Brigham Young working at his old job. Brigham explained that his baby was missing, and apologized for sleeping with so many women during their separation. Brigham and Red Clay sang a tender ballad of forgiveness, then resolved to work together to retrieve Brigham’s baby.

Jesus Christ went to Castle Gayskull to meet his long-lost brother. Roswell invited Jesus in, then strapped him down to the seat. Roswell explained his life story…15 years after Jesus’ birth, Mary had a second child with her husband Joseph. The sickly infant hermaphrodite had no way of living up to his messianic half-brother, and grew up unwanted and abandoned. However, the residual divine power in his DNA made him immortal and indestructible. Jealous of Jesus, Roswell disguised himself as a Roman soldier…yes, Roswell was the one who stabbed Jesus with a spear upon the cross. Over the centuries, Roswell tried to ruin Jesus’ reputation by committing evil in his name. The Crusades? Roswell’s idea. And now, the time had come for Roswell’s greatest plan. Roswell explained that Jesus bore the words “Love” and “Love” upon his buttocks, while Roswell’s read “Hate-Hate.” Now, centuries of cross-breeding have produced indestructible beings with “Love-Hate” on their asses…the half-good, half-evil super-babies who will form Roswell’s army. Jesus questioned the usefulness of an army of morally conflicted, neutral warriors, but Roswell explained that his influence will overcome their good side. Having heard enough of Roswell’s evil plans, Jesus burst free from his bonds…and was shot repeatedly by Trapper Jean.

JEAN: “Well, we’re goin’ to Hell NOW!”

Constance and Brigham met up on the way to Castle Gayskull, and they decided to launch their attacks together. When they arrived, Roswell showed them another element of his plan…he had once again stolen Constance’s original fantastic vagina, and was using it to produce baby after baby after baby. Roswell informed them that Brigham’s son was in the “child accelerator” in the other room, and would soon emerge, grown to adulthood in a matter of seconds. Suddenly, Jesus’ voice whispered to Brigham, instructing Brigham to place Jesus’ body in the accelerator and set it to age him three days. Constance strapped Roswell and Jean into their chairs, enabling Brigham to carry out Jesus’ plan. Jesus emerged from the accelerator more powerful than ever, then flew off into the sky and destroyed the Rhode Island Cannonball.


Monday, December 22, 2008

Season 5, Episode 26: The Wedding Package

Episode 26: The Wedding Package

Brigham Young and Titsy McJugpuddles were opening the presents at their wedding shower. As his present, Jesus Christ used his brand-new magic lasso (part of the new powers he’d gained when he came back at Easter) to make them reveal their true feelings for each other.

TITSY: “Well, I don’t really know you that well, but you seem kind of sweet, and you give me nice things.”
BRIGHAM: “It IS love!”

Brigham then gave Titsy a gaudily-jeweled broach. Under the lasso’s power, Titsy confessed that she didn’t like the broach, but accepted it as a symbol of Brigham’s love.

Roswell Diabolicus was doing inventory at the general store when the newly-elected Mayor Constance Snell arrived with a proposal. Since Roswell is such a brilliant scientist, she wanted him to be the town’s doctor. When Roswell expressed uncertainty, Constance clarified that it wasn’t an offer, but an order. She informed Roswell that if he refused, she would run him out of town, take over Castle Gayskull, and redecorate.

Ass Masterson and Trapper Jean threw a bachelor party for Brigham Young. Titsy, being the only exotic dancer in town, was the entertainment, but Brigham couldn’t watch because it’s bad luck to see the bride before the wedding. Brigham told Titsy that he didn’t want her to dance for other men anymore. She agreed to let Brigham be her sole customer.

BRIGHAM: “From now on, you’ll only take off your clothes for me…and maybe the neighbors if we’re feeling kinky.”

Madeline Clementine was sitting by the campfire, lamenting her fate of being “always a bridesmaid, never a bride.” Jesus Christ came by, pushing his invisible stagecoach (another of his new gifts). Jesus healed her wounded foot (where she had been shot by Roswell Diabolicus), but explained that she had to heal her emotional wounds herself. Jesus assured her that Will would come to his senses, escape his sisters’ evil clutches, and return to her. Madeline decided that she couldn’t wait that long, and resolved to find Will and shake some wise-up into him.

Constance and Madeline threw a bachelorette party for Titsy, with Madeline’s brother Ass Masterson working as the stripper. As Ass did a lap-dance for Titsy, Constance protested about the lewdness. Madeline told the mayor that she was off the clock and needed to loosen up. They sat Constance down so Ass could give her a lap-dance.

The next day, the big moment arrived. The wedding began, with Jesus Christ performing the ceremony. When Jesus asked “If anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace,” the bride surprised everybody by raising her hand. Titsy explained that she and Brigham were, in fact, already married. With that, Titsy removed her wig and revealed her true identity…Brigham’s long-believed-dead gay lover Red Clay!

Later, Red Clay sat by the campfire to commune with his ancestral spirits. He had abandoned his disguise and returned to his traditional Chipapoo garb (though he still had the enormous breasts). Red Clay explained that, when he was shot, he didn’t die, but went into a coma. He woke up shortly afterwards and devised a new plan to get his people’s land back. He went to New York, where he perfected his disguise by studying diction, dance, and acting (also landing a part in “The Fantasticks”). He then went to Amsterdam to get his new boobs, but had now returned to reclaim Little One Point.

Trapper Jean was handing over the mayor’s office to Constance, showing her where everything was (including the secret stash of booze). Constance thanked Jean, and offered him a job repairing the wagon-wheel ruts in the road. Jean warned her that being mayor is a difficult job, and that she’d have to tell people things they don’t want to hear. As an example, they decided to enact prohibition, starting with their own secret stash. They drank a toast to prohibition…or, rather, Jean drank while Constance watched. Jean started feeling dizzy, then collapsed into a chair. He realized that Constance had found the stash already and drugged it. Constance took Jean’s gun and ordered him to be her little French slave.

Brigham Young and Madeline Clementine were discussing Red Clay’s unexpected return. Even though Brigham had shattered Madeline’s heart into millions of pieces (“a fine powder of heart”), she still sympathized with his dilemma. Brigham confessed that Red Clay’s return had filled him with doubt about his mission. Madeline pointed out that his mission had brought him great wisdom, pointing out how dumb Brigham used to be.

BRIGHAM: “I was dumb…like poop in a bucket.”
MADELINE: “Exactly! You were so dumb, you used to say things like that!”

Madeline sang a song of encouragement to Brigham, and he joined in.

Ass Masterson delivered a package to Castle Gayskull. Roswell informed Ass that the package pertained to him. After explaining that both Ass and the baby owed their invulnerability to their relation to Jesus Christ through Roswell (who, you may remember, was recently revealed to be Jesus’ brother). Roswell showed Ass the contents of the package…a letter revealing the existence of Ass’ long-lost twin brother, a cowboy who wears his pants with the front cut out…Sack Masterson!

In Will’s absence, Jesus was teaching the children from the Book of Knowledge. Red Clay entered, and Jesus explained to the children how the white man had mistreated Red Clay’s people. Red Clay was touched by Jesus’ knowledge and sympathy. After Jesus dismissed the class, Red Clay explained that he needed to get his people’s land back, but knew no other path than that of bloodshed. Jesus suggested that Red Clay could turn the land into an outdoor theater to re-enact the history of the Chipapoo tribe, using poorly-paid white actors…the perfect way of educating the white man AND getting revenge on them at the same time!


Sunday, December 21, 2008

Season 5, Episode 25: The Long Good Friday

Episode 25: The Long Good Friday

Since Will McGotnuthin had left town with his sisters, Constance Snell was teaching the class about Good Friday (despite her own lack of education). Titsy McJugpuddles entered and panicked at the sight of Constance (remembering their vicious catfight from Episode 22). Constance was surprised that Titsy was still going on about that incident. Constance explained that she had found Jesus, let go of the past, and forgiven Titsy for stealing the bar.

TITSY: “So what you’re saying is, you forgive me for repeatedly mashing my face into your fists?”

Titsy eventually forgave Constance, and they hugged. The embrace went on longer than was comfortable.

Brigham Young returned from Utah and paid a visit to the general store. Jesus Christ emerged from the restroom and was surprised by how much Brigham had changed. For Brigham, 40 years had passed, while only a few weeks had gone by in Little One Point. Jesus told Brigham that He needed to hide, because bad things always happen to Him on Good Friday. Brigham offered to help Jesus hide (“I have 27 wives. No one knows more about disguises than me”), if Jesus would help Brigham get his son back.

Trapper Jean was lounging around, forcing the mind-controlled Roswell Diabolicus to wait on him hand and foot. Jean ordered Roswell to change the baby’s diapers, but Roswell did such a bad job that Jean decided to do it himself. As he undressed the baby, he discovered the words “Love” and “Hate” written on the baby’s bottom.

Madeline Clementine and her brother, Ass Masterson, were still recuperating from the shock of the McGotnuthin sisters robbing them and raping Ass. Madeline told Ass that she needed his help reclaiming her badge from Roswell Diabolicus. Ass was somewhat distracted because he felt naked without his hat.

Jesus Christ paid a visit to Constance Snell, who has distraught over the strange feelings she’d developed when Titsy hugged her. She thought that perhaps becoming mayor would keep her too busy for these homosexual urges. Jesus told her that He didn’t object to anybody being gay, as long as they had love and not just lust in their hearts. He also offered to help her throw a campaign fund-raiser, supplying wine, loaves and fishes for refreshments.

Brigham Young went to the bar and met Titsy McJugpuddles. He asked Titsy to help him spread the word of Mormonism by using her feminine charms to lure converts. Titsy feared that she wouldn’t be accepted, but Brigham urged her to follow her heart. Brigham balanced a Bible on Titsy’s breasts, and she was amazed by how right it felt.

Constance and Trapper Jean held a debate at City Hall. Constance told the voters that Little One Point needed a mayor who knows the city, speaks the language, and didn’t kill the previous mayor. Trapper Jean reminded everybody that, as far as they knew, Hop Hop simply left town. He then argued that Constance shouldn’t be mayor because she’s a woman, and women can’t even vote. Constance turned the all-male voter pool to her advantage by promising free blowjobs if she’s elected.

Having been brought up on her family history, the amnesiac Madeline paid a visit to her biological father, Roswell Diabolicus. As they conversed, Madeline snatched the badge away from him. As she congratulated herself on her feat, Roswell shot her in the foot.

Brigham and Titsy were having a conversation over ice cream. She confessed that “Titsy McJugpuddles” was a stage name, and that her real name was Irina Perogies. He asked her if she’d thought about a future beyond her fan-dancing days, and she remembered the decrepit old women she’s seen in the old fan-dancers’ home. Brigham assured her that she didn’t have to end up like that, then proposed to her.

TITSY: “You’d want to marry a lesbian?”
BRIGHAM: “I’ve ALWAYS wanted to.”

Ass Masterson and Jesus (disguised as Little Red Riding Hood) were putting up flyers for Constance’s campaign. In the process, Ass accidentally nailed Jesus’ hand to the wall. Jesus reassured Ass that it wasn’t Ass’ fault…that this sort of thing always happens on Good Friday, and that He always comes back more powerful than before..

Constance Snell was taking a nap, with visions of Titsy dancing in her dreams. Wracked with guilt when she awoke, Constance prayed for guidance. God told her she already had all the knowledge she needed to make her decision…she just had to follow her heart.

Roswell Diabolicus was working at the general store when Brigham came back to reclaim the baby. Roswell engaged in some elaborate speculation about Brigham’s advanced age, but Brigham suggested that he not think too hard about it. Roswell handed over the baby, warning Brigham that Jean would be upset. Roswell then pointed out the baby’s “Masterson birthmark.” These words on the child’s cheeks meant that the baby was destined to display his ass proudly and be invulnerable, just as Ass Masterson went around pantsless and survived a gunfight without flinching. As Brigham took his son in his arms, he realized that Roswell had committed a good, selfless act. Brigham assured Roswell that he could repent and earn forgiveness from God. Roswell put his hand on the Bible, and Brigham and Roswell spoke in one voice to pray for salvation.

After the election, Madeline counted the ballots, with Jean looking on to assure an accurate count. In the end, the ballots came out to a tie, so Madeline polled the crowd to vote for their candidate by applause. Constance was narrowly elected, but as she began her victory speech, Jean warned her “Remember what happened to Lincoln.”


Saturday, December 20, 2008

Season 5, Episode 24: Enter (and Exit) the Kissing Bandit

Episode 24: Enter (and Exit) the Kissing Bandit

Will McGotnuthin dismissed his class, telling the children that he may not be around to teach them anymore, since his sisters had come to town. As the kids left, Crab and Carnita McGotnuthin entered and confronted their brother. They lectured him about his leaving them to rot in jail…then handed him a script. Whether he liked it or not, he was joining the family Shakespeare troupe again…mainly because Crab was sick of playing all the men’s parts.

Madeline Clementine wandered on the outskirts of town. Though she was still suffering from amnesia, her horrible facial wounds had been repaired by the herbal remedies of the old Indian woman She-Heals-So-Good. Suddenly, Jesus Christ came by, riding on the Easter Bunny. They discussed her amnesia, and Madeline admitted that her loss of memory had filled her with a sense of purpose to find out both her own identity and that of her true love. Jesus explained that her amnesia was a blessing in disguise, since it had rid her of all her emotional baggage.

Constance Snell was starstruck after meeting the McGotnuthin sisters. She told them that she had done some performing of her own, and gave them a sample of her stand-up comedy act. They invited her to join their troupe.

In an attempt to add more variety to her fan-dancing act, Titsy McJugpuddles was practicing the “Who’s on First” routine with Ass Masterson. Suddenly, a mysterious masked stranger entered. He announced that he was the notorious Kissing Bandit, and that his kiss reveals the heart’s desires. He kissed Titsy, who immediately broke into song (something about becoming half-fish). The Bandit then kissed Ass Masterson, who revealed that his heart’s desire was to be an uncle (“all the joys of parenthood without all the bitching & moaning”).

In Madeline’s absence, Roswell Diabolicus had appointed himself sheriff. Mayor Trapper Jean came to his door, campaigning for re-election. Roswell noticed Jean’s new upbeat personality, but Jean feebly claimed that he was still the same old evil Jean. Roswell suggested that Jean prove his evilness by signing an affidavit confessing to killing Hop Hop. Jean refused to sign, but did admit his guilt in the presence of the baby…who, besides being invulnerable, could also record and play back anything he heard. As sheriff, Roswell arrested Trapper Jean. Knowing that no ordinary cell could hold Jean, Roswell announced that he had designed a special “Trapper Keeper.”

The McGotnuthin family and Constance were rehearsing their show. As Will and Apollonia practiced a love scene, Apollonia went off script and revealed that she truly did feel a forbidden love for her brother. Everybody in the room was freaked out by this revelation, but before they could discuss it, the Kissing Bandit entered and started kissing everyone. One by one, they revealed their deepest wishes. Crab wanted to go to New York and work with the greatest actor of all: John Wilkes Booth. Apollonia wanted to stop robbing & raping every man she met, and just settle down and rape the same man every night. Carnita wanted to stop wandering from town to town, and to establish a permanent Shakespeare festival in Atlanta. And Constance just wanted to see Carnita’s breasts pop out of her bodice.

Trapper Jean was struggling to escape from the binder that shackled his hands. (“If you think these chains can bind me…you’re pretty much correct.”) Suddenly, the Kissing Bandit arrived and kissed Jean. Jean realized that his true heart’s desire was to continue his evil ways, and that he was only fooling himself by trying to reform. Filled with a renewed sense of purpose, Jean burst free from the Trapper Keeper and swore revenge on Roswell.

Will McGotnuthin was packing up his belongings when he looked out the window and saw Madeline Clementine wandering in the street. He rushed out and hurriedly explained that the Kissing Bandit had made him realize that his heart’s desire was to be with her, but he CAN’T be with her or else his sisters would kill her, so he had to run away for her own protection. He then rushed off before Madeline could explain about her amnesia or ask him who he was.

MADELINE: “I feel a tremendous sense of loss, but its source is unclear to me.”

Jesus Christ and Ass Masterson had just finished constructing the stage for the McGotnuthins’ performance. Suddenly, Trapper Jean ran across the stage.

ASS: “Well, we know it can withstand the running of a man.”
JESUS: “But can it withstand Shakespearean acting?”
ASS: “NOTHING can withstand Shakespearean acting.”

Roswell Diabolicus was in the sheriff’s office, contemplating what he would do with his authority. He came up with a plan to arrest everybody in town, appoint himself mayor, and then secede from the Union. With Little One Point as his own sovereign nation, and with the power of the Rhode Island Cannon, Roswell would soon dominate the world. Suddenly, the Kissing Bandit rushed in and kissed Roswell (his most passionate kiss yet). Roswell realized that all his evil plans were just a cry for the attention he desired…the attention that his brother, Jesus Christ, always got. Roswell then informed the Kissing Bandit that he had one more desire… “Your brains as wallpaper!” With that, Roswell shot the Kissing Bandit.

Seeking revenge on Roswell, Trapper Jean was running to Castle Gayskull in slow-motion. He passed by Titsy’s Place and decided to stop in for a slow-motion quickie. Titsy (still in slow-motion) explained that she’d realized she preferred the intimate company of women. This only got Trapper Jean even more turned on.

Roswell Diabolicus was randomly shooting people in the street when Trapper Jean ran up at normal speed. Roswell tried to raise his gun to defend himself, but dropped it. Jean grabbed Roswell’s gun and declared that, with Roswell out of the way, now HE would carry out all of Roswell’s evil plans. Roswell pointed out that Jean probably couldn’t kill him, since he’d survived so many seemingly certain-death situations. Jean explained that he wasn’t going to kill him…he was simply going to shoot him with the mind-control bullets that Roswell himself had invented!

As the Shakespeare festival ended, the McGotnuthin sisters drew their weapons to hold up the audience. Madeline and Jesus pled with Will not to go through with it, but he couldn’t defy his sisters. After the rape & robbery were complete, the McGotnuthins made their escape with Will in tow as part of the gang again.


Friday, December 19, 2008

Season 5, Episode 23: The Georgia Shakespeare Festival

Episode 23: The Georgia Shakespeare Festival

With the election coming up, Sheriff Madeline Clementine tried to persuade Will McGotnuthin to run for mayor. She assured him that his shady past with his sisters’ criminal Shakespeare troupe was a safe secret, since the only other person who knew (Brigham Young) had left town. Will was comforted by her reassurance…until he discovered a flyer announcing the arrival of the McGotnuthin Family Shaxspur Jubilee.

Titsy McJugpuddles was doing a lap-fan-dance as part of a private party for Roswell Diabolicus. Roswell stopped her, partly because he wasn’t attracted to the 6-foot Titsy, but mostly so that they could talk business. Impressed by Titsy’s ambition in taking over the saloon, Roswell wanted her to take Trapper Jean’s place as his new partner-in-crime. To seal the deal, Roswell demonstrated what a lap-dance is SUPPOSED to look like.

Jesus Christ and Ass Masterson were playing checkers, but Jesus could sense that Ass was troubled. Ass explained that he wanted to fulfill his father’s last wish by giving his dad’s lover, Roswell Diabolicus, an operation to make Roswell a complete woman. Jesus suggested that Ass would better serve his father’s memory by planting a tree in his name. Ass confessed that he didn’t know his father’s name, but simply called him “Sir.” Jesus suggested that Ass open a Christmas tree farm and name it “Sir’s Firs.”

Trapper Jean was at the bar, preparing his re-election acceptance speech, when the McGotnuthin sisters (Carnita, Apollonia, and Crab) entered. Jean couldn’t help but gawk and ogle at the beautiful sisters.

CARNITA: “My eyes are up here.”
JEAN: “Well, I am not interested in your eyes.”

After they explained about their Shakespeare festival, Jean suggested that he might sponsor it, since being a patron of the arts would help his image for the election. Carnita turned down his offer. Impressed (and aroused) by her severe manner, Jean agreed to give them the best suite in the hotel, then explained an elaborate password procedure. Crab took Carnita aside and confessed that she had misgivings about their plans to rob the audience and rape the men at the end of the show.

After a long day of baby-sitting, Madeline came to the general store to return the baby to Roswell Diabolicus’ dubious care. She noticed that Roswell had built a separate stockroom, so that the cases of dynamite would no longer have to be kept in the classroom with the children. Roswell admitted that he had developed a bit more concern for others since he started taking care of the baby. In turn, Madeline confessed that she had fallen in love with Will McGotnuthin. Roswell approved of their relationship, but urged Madeline to dissuade Will from running for mayor. He explained that the power of office would corrupt Will, and that he was only thinking of her happiness. Madeline was reluctant to accept this explanation, so Roswell switched tactics and started beating her with the baby.

Titsy McJugpuddles showed Carnita McGotnuthin to her room. Titsy was upset that the Shakespeare festival would be stealing the spotlight from her fan-dance act, and was also jealous that Carnita had attracted Trapper Jean’s attention. However, Carnita suggested that they could join forces to play Trapper Jean for all he’s worth. And to make sure the money keeps coming in, they needed to make sure Jean stays in office.

Will McGotnuthin had just finished teaching the children about llamas (“Never forget… they spit!”), when Roswell Diabolicus entered disguised as Madeline Clementine. Roswell/Madeline urged Will to drop out of the mayoral race, launching into an impassioned, twisted speech about the dangers of power. Being completely whipped, Will agreed to do as “she” said.

Meanwhile, the real Madeline regained consciousness. Ass Masterson passed by, dragging a tree behind him, when he noticed that his sister had been badly disfigured. When he asked what had happened, he discovered that Madeline was now suffering from amnesia.

Trapper Jean was explaining his mayoral campaign to Crab McGotnuthin. Crab was intrigued by the political process, explaining that in Shakespeare’s plays, power was seized by assassination. Jean replied that that was precisely what he had done, by shooting Hop Hop and declaring himself mayor. Jean asked Crab for a sample of Shakespeare, and she recited the “What a piece of work is man” speech from “Hamlet.” Moved to tears, Jean realized that he had lost touch with his own humanity, shielding himself behind his guns and pelts. Jean resolved to turn over a new leaf and run his campaign on a strong moral stand. Crab advised him not to mention his killing the former mayor.

Jesus Christ and Apollonia McGotnuthin were discussing their favorite rabbit recipes, and realized they had a lot in common. Apollonia offered Jesus a rose. When Jesus pointed out that she’d given him two roses, she broke down in embarrassment and confessed that she didn’t know how to count. Jesus taught her math, and in return, she taught him about Shakespeare. They performed the balcony scene from “Romeo & Juliet,” and Jesus went way off script. Just as they were about to kiss, Will McGotnuthin walked by and was stunned to find himself face-to-face with his twin sister once again. Will urged Apollonia to come clean about her criminal activities.

WILL: “Go on, confess to Jesus! That’s what he’s for!”
JESUS: “Hey, I’d like to think that’s not ALL I’m here for…”

Apollonia admitted that she and her sisters always rob and rape the audience after each performance. Jesus was shocked that Apollonia would do such a thing. (“I don’t even know you anymore!”) Feeling hurt and betrayed, Jesus walked away.

APOLLONIA: “Every time I meet a nice guy, THIS happens!”


Thursday, December 18, 2008

Season 5, Episode 22: St. Jubal's Day Jubilee

Episode 22: St. Jubal’s Day Jubilee

Will McGotnuthin returned to the school to discover that Titsy McJugpuddles, acting as substitute teacher, had misunderstood the Montessori system and was letting the children do whatever they wanted. She explained that she was trying to avoid the mistakes of her own repressive childhood, which led her to the degraded life of a fan-dancer, prostitute, and worst of all, a cleaning woman. Sympathizing, Will agreed to keep her on as an assistant teacher as long as she stops sending the children out into blizzards.

Having been gravely wounded in her gunfight with Roswell Diabolicus, Sheriff Madeline Clementine was being patched up by Constance Snell. Constance started going on about the lawlessness of the city, and her voice took on a preaching quality. She explained that she felt the presence of Jesus in her (and Jesus appeared behind her to illustrate the point), urging her to save Little One Point. She started to sing.

After going through two gunfights in quick succession, Roswell Diabolicus was now a severed head, kept alive by his Diabolitank. Jesus Christ appeared and ordered Roswell to bow his head (which Roswell couldn’t do, of course). Then Jesus brightened up, explaining that the Old Testament act was just a St. Jubal’s Day prank. Jesus was impressed by Roswell’s Diabolitank, and asked him several questions about how it worked. Roswell grew irritated by this digression, and brought the conversation around to the principle of forgiveness. Jesus explained that He would forgive any sin if the sinner asked for redemption. Roswell belligerently asked Jesus to forgive him and restore his body. Jesus refused, since He knew that Roswell’s plea was not motivated by sincere remorse. Jesus told Roswell he needed to find the love within himself to earn forgiveness.

Trapper Jean and Ass Masterson were preparing a float for the St. Jubal’s Day parade. Carelessly swinging around Constance’s baby, Jean explained that he had stolen the baby by catching it in a bear-trap baited with pudding (“But if you have been watching ‘Scandal,’ you would know the baby is indestructible”). Jean told Ass that he wanted to give the baby a special St. Jubal’s Day. Ass remembered his first St. Jubal’s Day, when the woman he loved pulled a prank on his heart by leaving him. Jean enlisted Ass’ help in pulling off the greatest St. Jubal’s Day prank of all.

Titsy McJugpuddles was going over her plans for “Titsy’s Place” when Constance tried to enter (and found her key wouldn’t open the door). When Titsy explained that she had taken over the saloon, Constance thought it was just an elaborate St. Jubal’s Day prank. When Constance realized that Titsy was serious, she refused to give up the saloon. Constance and Titsy each tried to kick the other out, and the confrontation soon escalated into a full-scale catfight. Trapper Jean arrived and sat down to watch the action.

Will and Madeline were building a St. Jubal’s Day float while Madeline brought Will up to date on what had happened while he was still in Cumming. Will offered his sympathies for Madeline’s wounds, then told her “I like a woman with scars.” Madeline realized that Will had scars, too…internal, emotional scars. They kissed passionately.

Roswell Diabolicus was working at the general store when Ass Masterson entered. Roswell was amazed that Ass had apparently gotten through their gunfight without a scratch. Ass explained that all of Roswell’s bullets were still inside him…that’s just how tough he was. Ass revealed that he had a secret to tell Roswell. After much prodding, Ass informed Roswell that the reason Ass’ father had been panning for gold (just before his untimely end) was to save up for an operation to make the hermaphroditic Roswell a complete woman. Yes, Ass’ father was Roswell’s lover. Because Ass respected his father’s love, he forgave Roswell. Suddenly, Jesus appeared and told Roswell that he’d finally found that spark of love inside himself. Jesus healed Roswell and restored his body.

Titsy McJugpuddles was grumbling about her dress getting ripped in the fight with Constance. Jesus Christ appeared and took her to task for her language. Titsy demanded to know why Jesus hadn’t intervened in the fight, and Jesus pointed out that Constance had won because she was in the right. Jesus scolded Titsy for trying to take over the bar that Constance had worked her whole life to build. Titsy cried that she just wanted to be the greatest, most celebrated fan-dancer in the world. (“Well then, FAN-DANCE! Don’t steal bars!”) Jesus conjured a stage for her to dance on. Tearing off her dress to reveal a skimpy, sparkly outfit underneath, Titsy put on the greatest fan-dancing show of her life. Trapper Jean arrived and was awestruck by the spectacle. Jean was now even more turned on than he was by the catfight. Jesus suggested that Jean become Titsy’s manager and lead her to stardom, using his cunning for good instead of evil. Constance entered, and Titsy tearfully urged Jean to shoot her. Jesus attempted to make peace, but Jean refused to listen. Jean explained that he did not believe in Jesus, so Jesus had no power over him. In response, Jesus proved his power by bringing Jean’s skunk-skin cap back to life. The enraged skunk attacked Jean.

Later that day, the St. Jubal’s Day parade finally got underway. Madeline and Will rode their float, while Ass Masterson and Constance dragged Jean’s body through the street. Jesus noted that Jean’s death was putting a damper on the festivities. Titsy tearfully cried that Jesus had killed Jean, but Jesus protested that Jean’s death was the skunk’s doing. Roswell Diabolicus urged Madeline to arrest Jesus for murder. Madeline didn’t want to arrest the Savior, but Jesus told her that He’d accepted His fate. Suddenly, Roswell shouted “Happy St. Jubal’s Day!” Roswell and Ass hadn’t forgiven each other after all…it was just a prank to get Jesus to heal Roswell. What’s more, Trapper Jean was all right…he’d only been playing dead as his own prank, and Jesus had fallen for it completely! Everybody laughed, and Jesus declared this to be the greatest St. Jubal’s Day ever.


Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Season 5, Episode 21: The Devil Went Down to Georgia

Episode 21: The Devil Went Down to Georgia

As a snowstorm raged outside, Sheriff Madeline Clementine read her father’s journal. Sensing she was troubled, Jesus Christ paid her a visit. She admitted that she was puzzled by the journal’s revelation that there is “another Clementine.” She was both thrilled and apprehensive about the possibility of having a long-lost sibling. She explained that, since she grew up with three brothers (now sheriffs in other towns) and without a mother, she grew up without any feminine influence and had to learn ladylike behavior from magazines. Jesus speculated that the “other Clementine” might refer to Madeline’s true inner self.

Since Will McGotnuthin hadn’t gotten back from Cumming yet, Titsy McJugpuddles was teaching the children about female anatomy. As she dismissed class due to the snowstorm, Trapper Jean strutted in, filled with renewed self-confidence. Titsy told Jean that she was not a one-man woman, but Jean replied that he could be more than one man if she wanted. Titsy pressured Jean to get her the saloon so that she could turn it into a man-dancing emporium and shopping center.

Ass Masterson wandered back into town. As Constance led him to his room at the hotel, Ass told her his life story. Years ago, Ass’ father gave his sheriff’s badge to his only daughter, causing his sons to split up. Ass wandered out into the desert, stripped off his clothes and dug himself a hole…but now he’s come out of the hole and come back to town. Constance was slightly disconcerted by Masterson’s bare-assed nature, but decided to overlook it. She told Ass that she’d just gotten a brand new vagina that “hadn’t been opened yet.” He offered to help her unwrap that present.

At Castle Gayskull, Roswell Diabolicus huddled against the cold. Suddenly, he was struck by an inspiration: By firing the Rhode Island Cannon at Florida and setting the state ablaze, the northbound winds would carry the warmth to him. Roswell did so, gleefully listening to the destruction of Florida.

Hewitt P. Quagmire went to see Trapper Jean in the mayor’s office. Jean begged for more of Quagmire’s miraculous elixir, which looked different this time. (“It looks different EVERY time!”) Quagmire warned him that the elixir had a new price: someday, Quagmire will ask a favor, and Jean must do as he asks. (“Think of the multiple plot points I can set up.”) Jean accepted.

At the bar, Constance was stocking up in a snowstorm panic when Madeline arrived, followed shortly by Ass Masterson. Madeline and Ass recognized each other as their long-lost siblings, and they had a heartfelt reunion. Ass confessed that he blamed himself for their father’s death. Their daddy was not killed in a vicious slapfight, as Madeline always believed. What actually happened was that Roswell Diabolicus blew up the carriage that Ass was supposed to be coming home in, and their father witnessed the explosion and had a heart attack. Madeline reassured Ass that their daddy’s death wasn’t Ass’ fault. Madeline swore revenge on Roswell, and this time she REALLY meant it.

Basking in the heat from the Great Florida Fire, Roswell Diabolicus checked the synopsis writer’s notes to find out what was going on elsewhere in town. So, when Madeline arrived, he was ready for her. She confronted him about his part in her father’s death, and he admitted it. (“To you, it was a tragic event…to me, it was Tuesday.”) Madeline and Roswell started shooting it out, and eventually both lay motionless on the floor.

Hewitt P. Quagmire strolled along the beach that had formed since Florida’s destruction. Jesus Christ walked by and healed a fallen palm tree. Jesus complimented Quagmire on his hairstyle.

QUAGMIRE: “My hair is like my life…full and sexy in the front, short and wanting in the back.”

Quagmire offered Jesus a sample of his formula. Taking a sniff, Jesus remarked that the elixir smelled of sulfur, death, and darkness…but he took a swig anyway. Jesus’ stigmata suddenly healed, but his memory started fading away.

Titsy McJugpuddles proudly surveyed her new saloon, since Trapper Jean had turned it over to her. Wandering troubadour Slim Talley entered, looking for a job as Titsy’s musical accompaniment. He auditioned by playing a flamenco number while Titsy danced. She agreed to hire him if he didn’t reveal the secret of her fake breasts. The scene was interrupted by Trapper Jean’s handsomeness.

Roswell Diabolicus limped his way over to Ass Masterson, blaming him for his disfiguring injury. (“The heat from the bullet permanently fused my hand to my foot!”) Ass told Roswell that, unless he found the strength to rip his hand free, Roswell was going to die. Roswell demanded that Ass apologize for getting him into this predicament, and Ass started laughing hysterically until Roswell pulled out his gun. Ass and Roswell started shooting it out, and eventually both lay motionless on the floor.

Drifting in and out of amnesia, Jesus Christ wandered the streets of Little One Point in a daze. His Father and the Holy Spirit (also known as Percy) warned Jesus that Hewitt P. Quagmire was “the man of a thousand lies.” (“Lon Chaney?”) Quagmire arrived and admitted that he was, in fact, Satan. Quagmire bragged that this sinful city had strengthened him even as it weakened Jesus. Undaunted, Jesus challenged Quagmire to a slapfight. If Quagmire wins, Atlanta would be his. If Jesus wins, Quagmire would flee to Austin, Texas. The fight began, and Jesus easily defeated Quagmire. Slim Talley entered and sang a song about Jesus’ triumph. (“Well, the devil bowed his head ’cause he knew that he’d been beat…”)


Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Season 5, Episode 20: Quagmire's Miracle Elixir

Episode 20: Quagmire’s Miracle Elixir

Sheriff Madeline Clementine was going over some paperwork when self-appointed Mayor Trapper Jean entered, distraught over Titsy McJugpuddles’ walking out on him.

MADELINE: “If you hadn’t treated me as shabbily as that woman treated you, you might find some sympathy here.”

Jean wanted to declare Tuesdays “Titsy McJugpuddles Day” to win her back, but Madeline advised him that desperation and pity wouldn’t get her…self-confidence would. Jean tried to put on his old brave face, but couldn’t.

Jesus Christ came back to town to help Constance take care of the baby. Constance confessed that she couldn’t handle the stress of parenthood, but mentioned that she’d invented a new kind of baby food by grinding peanuts into a butter-like consistency (and that she’d sent the recipe to her friend George Washington Carver). Constance cried that she wanted to put her vagina back in and start enjoying herself again. Jesus advised her to be true to herself and do what was best for her.

Titsy McJugpuddles went to the schoolhouse as class let out. She explained to Will that she wanted to resume her education and needed a tutor. Will showed her the Book of Knowledge, and she flirtatiously asked him to read the definition of “pleasure.” Too distracted to teach, Will told Titsy that she was “carbonating his hormones,” then invited her out. Titsy replied that they could just stay in instead.

Traveling medicine-show salesman Hewitt P. Quagmire walked into town and entered the general store. Meeting Roswell Diabolicus, Hewitt diagnosed him with artichoke lips and pelican skin, then recommended Quagmire’s Snakeskin Ointment as treatment. Hewitt offered him a free sample sip, though the price would be jacked up considerably after that. Roswell took a sip, then collapsed behind the counter, gasping. Seconds later, Roswell re-emerged…young, beardless, and prepared to pay any price for more ointment.

Madeline Clementine and Will McGotnuthin took off on the road to Cumming, in search of Madeline’s father’s journal. After singing a trail song, they stopped to rest. The horses whined until Will whipped his into submission. Madeline tried to tell Will about her attraction to him, but the conversation kept getting disrupted by the distracting noise of furry-headed crickets.

Constance Snell went to Castle Gayskull to try to get child-support payments from Roswell Diabolicus. Constance was very surprised when the now-youthful Roswell opened the door. He explained that his miraculous transformation wasn’t brought on by any of his own experiments, but by Hewitt P. Quagmire’s elixir. Constance was so awestruck that she almost forgot why she came in the first place. As she asked for money, Roswell suddenly started aging again and pooped his pants.

At the bar, Titsy McJugpuddle met Jesus and introduced herself as the town’s new erotic fan-dancer. Jesus reminisced about his friend John, whose head was cut off by an erotic dancer. Titsy demonstrated her dance moves. Jesus observed that her dance would probably be more effective if she actually took some clothes off. He advised her that her dance shouldn’t be about what she thinks men want, but about what makes her feel good.

Constance Snell was tending bar and playing with the baby when Hewitt P. Quagmire entered. Remembering Roswell’s transformation, Constance gave him a drink on the house and offered him a free room in exchange for Quagmire’s Snakeskin Ointment. After Constance took a sip, her hair suddenly became shorter and less brassy. She then gave a sip to the baby, who started speaking in an urbane, vaguely European accent. The baby offered to take care of the saloon while Constance and Hewitt went out together.

Back at Castle Gayskull, Roswell’s bushy eyebrows had grown back as the formula slowly wore off (though his beard hadn’t come back yet). Trapper Jean came to the castle to ask Roswell’s advice on restoring his self-confidence. Roswell reminded Jean of his prowess in killing animals, and Jean proudly reminisced about some of his favorite kills…Mr. Toesy the bobcat, Robespierre the ferret, Hop Hop the mayor… Jean’s happy memories prompted Roswell to recall some of his own evil deeds, including the plan to destroy the world with the Rhode Island Cannon.

Will and Madeline arrived in Cumming. Consulting the map Hop Hop had left them, they soon found her father’s journal. Inside, they found her father’s last letter to Madeline. He wrote that he had found gold and was afraid for his life, and that he planned on appointing his daughter as his successor. Madeline was thrilled to learn that her father’s dying act, pinning his badge on her, was a deliberate choice and not a confused, delirious mistake. The letter revealed that there was one other Clementine child that she didn’t know about. Unfortunately, Madeline’s father was interrupted and killed before he could finish the letter and reveal the secret. Awestruck, Madeline vowed to set out and discover her lost sibling. Will promised to accompany her, and demonstrated his devotion by giving her a furry-headed cricket as a pet.

That night, at the bar, the whole town had gathered to see Titsy McJugpuddles’ debut performance. Trapper Jean had dressed up for the occasion in his Foreign Legion uniform. As Titsy danced, Hewitt P. Quagmire offered Jean a sip of Quagmire’s Snakeskin Ointment to cure his heartbreak and restore his confidence. Revitalized, Jean strode forward and started dancing with Titsy.


Monday, December 15, 2008

Season 5, Episode 19: Exit Brigham, Enter Titsy

Episode 19: Exit Brigham, Enter Titsy

Brigham Young and Will McGotnuthin buried Judge X, eliminating the only other person who knew about Will’s past. And now that Will’s secret was safe, Brigham was finally going to leave town, as he’d been promising to do for several weeks now.

WILL: “You’re a man of your word, Brigham Young…eventually.”

Despite their past as enemies, Will and Brigham had come to respect and like each other…so much so that Brigham asked Will to help raise his son. Brigham suggested that Will pass himself off as Brigham to the baby, so the baby won’t know the difference if Brigham ever comes back.

Madeline was looking for her father’s journal, when her search was interrupted by Roswell Diabolicus. Roswell explained that, before he resorts to destroying the world, he was going to give the law a chance to help him reclaim the baby. Madeline pointed out that, although Roswell did technically give birth to the child, he was using Constance’s vagina, and thus was only a surrogate. She agreed to see what she could do, if Roswell would help her find the journal. Roswell warned her that she might not like the answers contained therein.

Having escaped from jail, Trapper Jean returned to the mayor’s office. Suddenly, a mysterious and voluptuous woman entered, introducing herself as the celebrated erotic fan dancer Titsy McJugpuddles. Jean asked her to prove her identity with a sample of her dancing, then invited her to dinner.

Madeline went to see Constance Snell to try to work out some kind of joint-custody deal for the baby (which Constance still hadn’t named yet). As Madeline talked about the importance of family, Constance was haunted by the painful memory of her own family being killed by bees. Constance explained that she was keeping the baby with her at all times, even when she goes about her business at the bar. Madeline was shocked by the bad example Constance was setting. Suddenly, the baby said his first words: “Bourbon.”

Roswell Diabolicus was working at the store when Trapper Jean came in to buy some flowers for his date with Titsy. Roswell sold him some maize for 15 cents, but offered to let him have it on credit if Jean would help him steal the baby.

JEAN: “You want me to help you steal a baby for 15 cents of credit? What’s the APR?”

Outside Little One Point, Brigham Young had just started making his way to Utah when he ran into the Mexican wanderer Dirty Sanchez. When Brigham explained that Jesus had sent him on a holy mission to Utah, Sanchez was amazed that Brigham spoke to Christ. Brigham demonstrated by starting a conversation with Jesus, but Sanchez couldn’t hear Him. Nevertheless, Sanchez agreed to join Brigham on his journey.

Will came into the bar and saw the baby sitting on the bar as Constance poured the drinks. Constance explained that she was trying to teach the baby to tap-dance as an attraction to draw in customers. Shocked by her irresponsibility, Will explained that he had been appointed by Brigham to be the baby’s substitute father. This came as a surprise to Constance, who hadn’t known that Brigham had already left. Suddenly, Titsy McJugpuddles entered, looking for work as a dancer. Titsy confessed that she was worried that people might look down on her, and asked about the town’s moral standards. When the baby blurted out “bourbon,” Titsy knew she would fit right in.

On the road, Brigham Young and Dirty Sanchez got to know each other. Brigham showed Sanchez a stick he had made by grabbing a snake and transforming it. As Brigham discussed his mission to create the Mormons, they realized that he wouldn’t be able to do that without women.

Roswell Diabolicus begged Constance to let him hold the baby. (“I swear to God…a God that I do not believe in, nor do I care about…that I will give him right back.”) Constance relented and handed over the baby. Roswell grew increasingly frustrated that he would only say “Mama” and not “Papa,” until Constance snatched the baby back. Constance tried to explain the importance of family by telling Roswell about her parents’ deaths. Roswell recalled that they died about the same time he invented the beehive-launcher.

Trapper Jean and Titsy McJugpuddles enjoyed a romantic dinner at the Bridgetown Grill. Titsy explained that she had been thrown out of Jersey City for her “prurient” dancing, and Jean assured her that would never happen here, even if he had to rewrite the laws to eliminate any moral legislation. She asked Jean about his past as a war hero.

JEAN: “The war, she is a cruel goddess. She gives and she takes. Mostly, she gives death and takes life.”

Madeline and Will discussed the recent upheavals in Little One Point. Will was depressed because he had lost so many friends with Sam’s death, Brigham’s leaving, and Hop Hop’s disappearance. Suddenly, Will remembered a letter that Hop Hop had left with him a long time ago. In the letter, Hop Hop declared Will as his successor, and he also included a map to Madeline’s father’s journal…hidden in that den of iniquity known as Cumming, Georgia.

MADELINE: “Will you help me get to Cumming? ’Cause I need some help getting to Cumming.”

We saw a montage of Brigham and Sanchez on the road.

As the dinner date progressed and Jean and Titsy both got very drunk, they dove behind the bar to enjoy each other’s carnal charms. Two hours later, Titsy thanked Jean for a lovely evening and left. Jean was distraught by her departure…he had loved and left many women in his time, but never before had a woman left him. He felt used and dirty.