Saturday, February 28, 2009

Season 10, Episode 7: The Uncomfortably Topical Episode

Episode 7: The Uncomfortably Topical Episode

Paramedic Rosie Jay lay in a coma, while Dr. Corky Howser and Nurse Vanessa Goodhead discussed her condition. Corky blamed Vanessa for this turn of events, arguing that it was Rosie’s argument with Vanessa that led her to huffing glue. Corky accused Vanessa of being as selfish and uncaring as Gargamel. After pointing out that Gargamel did have feelings for his cat, Vanessa pleaded with Corky to find a cure for comas.

In jail for assaulting hospital CEO Stern Boyer, Nurse Barney Kabob met his court-appointed lawyer, Wince Medler. Medler promised to get Barney off, in exchange for some information. After some vague, non-specific hints, Barney figured out that Medler wanted Barney to funnel all the hospital’s Medicare and Medicaid funds into a secret offshore account. Barney agreed, and arranged to make the exchange in a dark alley by the dumpster behind the hospital.

Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud held a press conference regarding Rosie’s condition, informing the press that he planned to prevent such glue-sniffing tragedies by asking Congress to outlaw all adhesives.

Head Nurse Yummy Wampler and Father Bob Houdini were attending to Rosie and discussing her chances. Father Bob observed that, if she died on Good Friday, it would be sort of like having a birthday on Christmas, only the opposite. As Yummy forced some Cheetos through Rosie’s feeding tube, Rosie gradually came to.

Visiting Barney in his cell, Vanessa tried to explain that she now had a relationship with Stern Boyer, but eventually she gave into her emotions and kissed him passionately. Barney asked her to prove her love by killing Rosie Jay.

Sturgis was preparing for another press conference when Father Bob came in with the wonderful news of Rosie’s recovery. Sturgis angrily complained that Rosie’s coma was bringing much-needed attention and funds to the hospital, and that he’d wanted her to stay under for as long as he could exploit it. Father Bob suggested that they could maintain the publicity by putting her back into a coma and then “miraculously” bringing her out on Easter Sunday. Sturgis thought it would be an even better miracle if they actually killed her and brought her back.

During a Cheetos Therapy session with Yummy, the now-conscious Rosie Jay declared that she had no memory of her past or identity. Taking advantage of Rosie’s amnesia, Yummy introduced herself as the CEO of the hospital…and Rosie’s mother. She assured Rosie that, once she was up and around again, she’d be back to her usual routine of helping Yummy out at the hospital and covering shifts for her. She pulled Rosie up out of her wheelchair and began teaching her how to walk again, just like when she was a baby.

Released from jail, Barney met Wince Medler in the dark alley behind the hospital and presented him with the Medicare/Medicaid information. In exchange, Barney asked Wince to not only expunge his criminal record, but to erase ALL his records and give him an entirely new identity (only keeping the same name)…as a doctor.

Corky was about to his new coma cure on a different patient when Sturgis St. Cloud entered. Corky explained that his new formula, made from stem cells, nanotechnology, and apple juice, was sure to bring Rosie out of her coma. Sturgis asked to see Corky’s formula, then secretly switched syringes. The patient immediately flatlined when Corky gave him the injection.

Sturgis St. Cloud was waving out his window to the paparazzi when Wince Medler entered. Sturgis held a grudge against Wince due to his poor handling of Sturgis’ last divorce case, but agreed to listen to Wince’s latest proposal. Wince wanted a percentage of the hospital, in exchange for which he would build up its property value and then sell it for a huge profit, just like he did for Park Properties.

Vanessa Goodhead warned Rosie that Sturgis was planning to kill her. To save Rosie, Vanessa was willing to sacrifice herself by switching uniforms and making herself the target.

In the dark alley, Wince Medler informed Barney that he had expunged Barney’s criminal record and made him a doctor specializing in osteoporosis. Barney menacingly informed Wince that he no longer had any need of his services. However, Wince warned him that he’d anticipated a double-cross, so he had kept a record of Barney’s record. If anything happens to Wince, it gets released to the media.

Father Bob and Yummy Wampler had just forced their way through the paparazzi with a critically wounded patient for Corky, when Rosie entered, wearing Vanessa’s nurse uniform and imitating Vanessa’s seductive style. Inspired by her combination of dedication and sluttiness, Corky told “Vanessa” that he’d always loved her and not Rosie. Father Bob and Yummy joined in the insulting of Rosie, until “Vanessa” could no longer contain her outrage. She asked how Yummy could say such things about her own daughter. Confused, Bob and Corky pointed out that Yummy didn’t have any children.

Vanessa, dressed in Rosie’s EMT uniform, was waiting in the hospital room when Sturgis entered ominously. Sturgis noticed that “Rosie” was somehow sexier than before, but couldn’t quite put his finger on it. Sturgis asked Rosie if she’d ever seen “The Serpent and the Rainbow,” then pulled out a syringe of Haitian zombie-making fluid. When “Rosie” pointed out that she could never love him if he made her a zombie, Sturgis declared that he was just kinky enough to put that to the test.

At the triage station, “Vanessa” asked Yummy why she’d lied about being Rosie’s mother. Yummy explained that she was just so overworked, she thought she could get Rosie to cover some shifts out of family loyalty. “Vanessa” pointed out that if she needed some time off, all she had to do was take it. Just as Yummy agreed to go out to a movie and relax, she suddenly had a heart attack.

Barney came into the lounge, searching for answers to his problem. Corky suggested that Barney look to “The Smurfs” for inspiration, just as Retard Smurf told Hefty Smurf how he could get back at Lawyer Smurf. When Barney thanked Corky for helping him, Corky professed ignorance. Barney observed that Corky knew a lot more than he let on, and used his Down’s Syndrome to cover up his shrewdness. Realizing that Barney was onto him, Corky called in Wince Medler and accused Barney of sexual assault.


Friday, February 27, 2009

Season 10, Episode 6: Nip/Huff

Episode 6: Nip/Huff

Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud and hospital CEO Stern Boyer were discussing what to do with the profits from their illegal sales of the new wonder drug Cialaviaglevitra. After contemplating installing a chocolate river maintained by orange midgets, they decided to attract a more upscale clientele by refocusing the hospital’s resources on cosmetic surgery.

Rosie Jay was giving Vanessa a ride to her pedicure appointment. Vanessa complained that her feet were killing her because somebody had stolen her work shoes, forcing her to walk in high heels all day. When Rosie suggested that Corky might be the culprit, Vanessa became indignant that he’d do that after she let him touch her boobs. After hearing this, Rosie threw Vanessa out of the ambulance in a bad part of town.

Corky was watching “Dragon Tales” on a portable TV at the triage station when his old tormentor from school, Ray Ray McGurk, arrived.

On the loading dock, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler, Nurse Barney Kabob, and Father Bob Houdini were bringing in 2x4s for the construction of the new plastic surgery wing. As they complained about Sturgis’ new plans, they began wondering why they were helping to build the new wing instead of confronting him about it. Unfortunately, before they could resolve to take action, they got bogged down in the “if a tree falls in the forest” debate.

Nurse Vanessa Goodhead was walking through a bad part of town (in high heels) when a drunken Stern Boyer arrived. When he offered to help, she angrily reminded him of how he stood her up at the prom all those years ago, then slapped his face. The homeless people were thrilled to see violence against the rich.

On a high window-washer’s platform, Sturgis was overseeing the construction of the Joan Rivers Memorial Plastic Surgery Ward when Barney and Yummy confronted him. Yummy pointed out that, while he’s spending money on this new wing, there’s no oxygen in the nursery and babies are exploding. Shocked, Sturgis protested that he only wanted to increase profits so that the hospital could help more people, and didn’t realize what his policies were doing to the babies.

Corky and Ray Ray were catching up on old times in the Little Varsity Jr. Ray Ray explained that he was now with an insurance firm, and had come to help make the hospital safe. Rosie entered and confronted Corky about his touching Vanessa’s breasts. Distraught, Rosie cried out that she needed somebody to take her away from this madhouse. Ray Ray took her up on the offer.

Father Bob took confession from an audience member, then demanded that she get on her knees and repent.

As Rosie Jay poured out her heart at Ray Ray’s place, Ray Ray introduced her to the joys of sniffing glue. As she began huffing, her psychic powers kicked in and she had a vision of Yummy and Barney tying up Sturgis to force him to listen to reason. She was torn between her need to save the hospital and her drug-induced indifference.

Father Bob asked Sturgis to make some renovations to the chapel while they’re doing the construction, then suggested that the chocolate river could include a boat ride that climaxes with a film of a chicken getting its head chopped off. Changing the subject, Sturgis confided that he’d recently discovered his own conscience, and was disturbed to learn that his policies had led to exploding babies. (“You’re talking about the Maternity Vacuum?”) Sturgis explained that he thought that babies still breathed amniotic fluid and that oxygen was therefore an unnecessary expense. He asked Father Bob how he could become less selfish.

Vanessa and Stern were on the rooftop, watching the sunset. Stern apologized for his drunken insensitivity. (“You’re so good looking, sometimes I forget to have feelings for you.”) Vanessa began to leave, explaining that she had patients to take care of. Stern protested that he had a dying patient in his pants who needs her.

As Yummy was putting in drywall, Corky waxed enthusiastic about the new wing, declaring that the hospital would now be able to take care of that busload of poor kids that got burned in an accident. Yummy tried to explain to him that the new ward was being set aside for rich, vain people and not for those who really need it. Suddenly, Sturgis rushed in and announced that he’d had a change of heart. Not only was he opening the new ward to those poor kids, but he’d throw in breast implants for all of them.

Unaware of Sturgis’ new plans, Barney was preparing for revolution at the triage station. Suddenly, Rosie staggered in, hopped-up on glue fumes. As she began going into withdrawal, Barney demanded to know who had done this to her. She replied that she’d done it to herself, then fainted face-first into his lap. Gently stroking her hair (which fell off due to her glue abuse), Barney launched into a tender, rambling pastoral metaphor of his concern for her.

Stern Boyer was drowning his sorrows in the bar, complaining to Ray Ray about his troubles with Vanessa. (“Women are like cats, they scratch…and press charges.”) Suddenly, Barney came in and angrily threw the huffing-bag down on the floor to confront Ray Ray. Filled with drunken macho posturing, both Ray Ray and Stern scoffed at Barney’s accusation. Barney asked “If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody’s there, does anybody hear it?” Then he punched Stern in the face.

In the new burn ward, Corky was entertaining the kids by telling them about his favorite episodes of “Dragon Tales.” Vanessa entered and told him she would have to stop letting him touch her boobs, because their actions were hurting others that they care about. Corky protested that he loved her, and that he wanted to build a hut with her like the dragons…but now she’d burned down that hut. The kids started crying at the mention of “burning.”


Thursday, February 26, 2009

Season 10, Episode 5: Think Long and Hard

Episode 5: Think Long and Hard

Having returned from a pharmaceutical convention, Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud was discussing the plans for the hospital’s 100th anniversary celebration with Head Nurse Yummy Wampler. When Yummy complained that their budget problems would keep them from doing anything worthy of the momentous occasion, Sturgis mentioned a possible solution: at the convention, he’d learned about a new drug, Cialaviaglevitra, which not only cured erectile dysfunction, but enlarged the penis and tasted like cherry soda. However, since it hadn’t been approved by the FDA yet, it would be illegal for them to profit from it.

In the ambulance, Paramedic Rosie Jay was transporting Patience Dorgan-Honer, a woman who had attempted to extract her own kidney. When Rosie noted that Patience was remarkably conscious for such an ordeal, Patience replied that she was so used to donating her organs that it didn’t affect her anymore. She went on to explain that she made her living by receiving transplants and then later donating the organs at a profit. Suddenly, Rosie was struck by a psychic premonition: she saw Sturgis St. Cloud talking baseball with accountant Stern Boyer. Rosie knew that this seemingly innocent vision masked a darker meaning.

While preparing for the centennial celebration, Dr. Corky Howser told Nurse Barney Kabob how much he admired Barney’s cool, tough image. He asked if Barney would help him be cool by giving him a prison tattoo. Barney agreed, and offered to make Corky his prison buddy.

Todd Baio was decorating a centennial cake at the triage station when Stern Boyer arrived and clumsily knocked everything over. Stern explained that he was a big fan of Todd’s acting work (especially “Ski Patrol Jesters”), and had arranged Todd’s pseudo-internship at the hospital to further his career. Now, Stern demanded payment.

As Yummy and Corky were blowing up balloons, Yummy began rambling on with numerous plans for the centennial and her own personal life. When Corky asked about her sudden hyperactivity, she explained that Sturgis had given her a sample of the new drug. Corky began to lecture her on their sacred oath as medical personnel, but got distracted by a balloon.

Stern Boyer entered Sturgis St. Cloud’s office to discuss the hospital’s financial troubles. Sturgis replied that he’d found the answer, and gave Stern a sample of Cialaviaglevitra. Exclaiming that the effect was like “a volcano in my pants,” Stern found himself unable to focus on anything else.

In the examination room, Patience Dorgan-Honer presented Todd Baio with a cooler full of organs that she’d brought in, then demanded payment. She explained that she was basically a go-between for black-market organs, and Todd pondered the ethics of her business.

Rosie Jay tried to warn Barney about her premonition, explaining that the baseball conversation was really an omen of death. However, Barney couldn’t concentrate because of the sexual tension between them. They worried that things would get weird between them if they did it, and they started to argue. Then they kissed passionately.

Seventeen minutes later, the post-coital Rosie informed Barney that there could never be anything more than a physical relationship between them, because she was in love with somebody else. Barney was okay with that, until she told him that the person she loved was Corky. Then it got weird.

Sturgis St. Cloud made an illicit drug deal in the chapel, instructing the buyer to make future purchases by stopping by the confessional booth and giving the password “I’ve had impure thoughts about an impure donkey.”

The hopped-up Yummy Wampler was working in the Little Varsity Jr. when Stern Boyer entered, covering his crotch and moaning in desperation. Suddenly, Stern went into penile arrest.

After operating on her, Dr. Corky Howser was enthusiastically telling Patience Dorgan-Honer about his new best friend Barney. He showed her his new “prison tattoo” of himself and Barney, and listed all the cool things they did together…including Barney putting his ding-dong in Corky’s secret place. Shocked, Patience tried to tell Corky that wasn’t the act of a best friend, but of “a takin’-advantage-of sonofabitch.” Just then, Yummy rushed in and told Corky that Stern needed emergency care for his erection. Corky immediately covered his ass.

At the centennial celebration, Barney Kabob sat in the dunking booth, taunting the customers. Todd walked by, dejected by a heckler’s comment about his mime routine. Barney stepped out of the booth and offered Todd some encouragement. Touched by Barney’s understanding, Todd said that if he ever had children, he’d want Barney to be their godfather and take care of them. He then presented Barney with a hand-made award for childcare. Barney stepped onto the platform and began an acceptance speech…and was immediately dunked.

For her act, Rosie entertained the crowd with some ambulance stunt-driving in the parking lot, while Sturgis waved out the window. Rosie told Sturgis that she knew he was responsible for Yummy’s recent manic behavior, and warned him to lay off. In response, Sturgis distracted Rosie and planted some drugs in her ambulance.

Corky prepared to operate on Stern Boyer, assisted by Yummy and Patience; however, he found the sight of Stern’s bulging “ding-dong” too traumatic to proceed. Desperate and furious, Stern began threatening them until Corky knocked him out with his “retard-grip.” Patience mentioned to Corky that Sturgis St. Cloud had promised to marry her if she kept giving the hospital her business. Aghast, Yummy confessed that Sturgis had proposed to her as well.

Barney was cleaning up the parking lot after the festivities when Corky came by. Upset by Rosie’s feelings for Corky, Barney first snapped angrily at him, then began sobbing and told Corky to treat her nice. Corky had no idea what Barney was talking about.


Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Season 10, Episode 4: Enter the Lithuanian

Episode 4: Enter the Lithuanian

To research his next role, Todd Baio was assisting Dr. Corky Howser in surgery. Corky questioned Todd about his acting career, and was thrilled to hear that Todd had worked on Corky’s favorite show “Dragon Tales.” However, when Todd explained that the show wasn’t real, just the product of writers and animators, Corky became disillusioned and stepped away from the patient. When Todd finally persuaded Corky to resume the surgery, Corky discovered that the patient’s appendix was already missing.

In the dispensary, Father Bob Houdini was looking for some Valium (“The Bible doesn’t say anything about prescription drugs!”) when Nurse Barney Kabob entered in his wheelchair. Barney told Father Bob that his misfortune had turned him against Jesus, then started messing with Bob’s mind until the chaplain didn’t know what to believe.

The great actress Svetlana Gorkytrotsky had come to the hospital all the way from Lithuania for a colon transplant. Nurse Vanessa Goodhead informed her that the colon was ready, then demanded up-front payment for the illicit operation. Svetlana threatened Vanessa and began ranting about Americans in general.

Head Nurse Yummy Wampler was driving the ambulance while paramedic Rosie Jay took a rest in the passenger seat. Exhausted, Yummy passed the steering wheel over to Rosie, then passed out and flatlined (but only for a moment).

Todd Baio was in the hospital gift shop, considering a gift of Post-It Notes for his mother’s birthday. Vanessa entered, and they began reminiscing about the time they played “love-me-love-me-not” with a Post-It pad. They began arguing about their relationship and Todd’s responsibility for Barney’s paralysis. Suddenly, Vanessa noticed that the shop’s cash register was missing.

Corky was tearfully watching “Dragon Tales” in the nurses’ lounge when Barney wheeled in. Corky explained that he was sad because the dragons lied to him. Barney asked him what happens to a dragon that lies, and Corky replied that a big old Sasquatch beats them up. Barney explained that Todd Baio was the lying dragon who had put him in a wheelchair, and he needed Corky to be the Sasquatch that punishes him.

Yummy Wampler came to Svetlana’s room to check her vitals. As Yummy went about her business, Svetlana practiced her American accent by mimicking Yummy mercilessly. Suddenly, Yummy noticed that the vital-signs machine was missing. She wondered whether Todd might have taken it, since actors are essentially untrustworthy. This led Svetlana into a impassioned defense of the actor’s art, which ended with Svetlana embodying a tree.

Rosie was going over some paperwork at the triage station when Father Bob came by. She told him that she was thinking of quitting her job, because she was sick of all the carnage and death she encountered. The talk of carnage and death reminded Father Bob about Rosie’s own decapitated baby, and Rosie explained that Corky was working on reviving her. Father Bob consulted his Bible on the subject.

Wandering through the halls, Svetlana ran into Todd Baio, who was awestruck to see his acting idol. Svetlana commanded Todd to demonstrate his skills by being a dog. Svetlana was deeply disappointed by Todd’s performance.

In the nurses’ lounge, Corky noticed that the TV set was missing. Yummy entered, and Corky shared his concerns about the recent series of thefts…and on top of that, he’d run out of Chapstick. Yummy promised to investigate, and gave him her lipstick in the meantime.

Svetlana Gorkytrotsky was giving Todd some acting lessons in the chapel, instructing him to embody the number 465. To pay for his acting lessons, Todd had gathered some things he knew Svetlana needed: A colon and appendix, plus a vital-signs machine to monitor the operation, and a TV set to keep her occupied.

Rosie Jay was at the bar, drowning her sorrows and singing “Heartbreaker.” Barney wheeled in, and they spent some time commiserating and bickering. He told her about his plan to get revenge on Todd, and asked for her help.

Vanessa was at the triage station when Father Bob brought in a patient. After drawing a blood sample, Vanessa took his blood pressure by applying a sphygmomanometer to his crotch. She then gave him her phone number as a “prescription.”

Rosie was still drowning her sorrows at the bar when Corky entered with some good news: He had managed to gather enough stem cells to save her baby. Just then, Rosie’s baby entered…a disembodied head on a robotic platform. (“She’s even more beautiful than I remembered!”) Corky explained that this was only a temporary measure, until they could get a donor body.

Getting completely into character as a surgeon, Todd Baio was preparing to perform a colon transplant on Svetlana Gorkystrotsky, with Yummy Wampler assisting. Todd put Svetlana under by hitting her with a ladle (“One of these days, we’ll get in some anesthesiologists”), then began the operation by inserting the colon in Svetlana’s mouth while Yummy pulled it through the other end.

Barney rolled into the confessional and began railing against God (“Where are Your footprints now?”). When Father Bob responded, Barney mistook him for the voice of God, and Bob played along. Eventually, Barney admitted his own hatred and jealousy, and strained to reach up to God…and as he reached up, he rose to his feet.

In the nurses’ lounge, Corky began flirting with Vanessa, and she warned him not to break any of the rules of appropriate behavior they’d agreed on. Corky touched her breast, pointing out that the rules didn’t cover that.


Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Season 10, Episode 3: Surgeon General Warning

Episode 3: Surgeon General Warning

Paramedic Rosie Jay and Nurse Barney Kabob were in Rosie’s helicopter, flying in some supplies to combat the smallpox outbreak. Barney asked Rosie her opinion on euthanasia, then explained that he’d decided to kill everybody in the hospital who’d been infected. When Rosie objected to this plan, Barney decided that she’d been infected as well. Then he jumped out of the helicopter.

Todd Baio was in the chapel, contemplating his mortality, when former Surgeon General C. Everett Koop crawled in through the air duct. Koop explained that he’d come to fight the epidemic, then asked Todd if he’d been in contact with anybody outside the quarantine zone. Todd replied that the only people he’d seen were the audience at his current play…so, five people.

After barricading herself in the supply closet with Father Bob Houdini, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler was wracked with guilt over her cowardice. Bob reassured her by opening his Bible and reading the parable of the lost little bear and the witch’s gingerbread house.

Dr. Corky Howser, the teen medical prodigy with Down’s Syndrome, was working on a cure when C. Everett Koop arrived. Corky showed Koop the research he’d done…but since Corky couldn’t write, all his notes were in picture form. Corky revealed the most important discovery he’d made: This particular strain of smallpox was man-made.

Rosie Jay was unloading the supplies from the helicopter when Yummy came up to the roof. Rosie suggested that they both get in the chopper and escape, but Yummy had 12 hours left on her shift and she was too dedicated to leave, even though her appendix had just burst. Rosie immediately began an emergency appendectomy.

Father Bob went to the Little Varsity Jr. and discovered Barney Kabob waiting for him. The paranoid Barney became convinced that Bob had the smallpox, and attempted to escape by pulling the ripcord on his parachute (even though he was indoors). When that didn’t work, Barney jumped out of the window and pulled the ripcord again.

Corky Howser explained his experimental cure to Todd Baio. To make up for his spreading the disease by violating quarantine, Todd volunteered to be the guinea pig. Corky injected the serum into Todd’s eye with his Fisher-Price syringe.

At a meeting of all the hospital staff, Yummy Wampler finally pointed out the obvious: In the weeks since they’d all been exposed to the outbreak, Corky was the only one who’d been affected. Corky suddenly realized that the strain wasn’t just man-made, it had been genetically engineered to strike the mentally challenged. C. Everett Koop confirmed that the strain was a secret government project, and that armed agents had surrounded the hospital to cover it up. Yummy suggested that they get a decoy to go out and act retarded to draw the agents’ fire, and everybody looked at Barney. Barney tried to escape by pulling the ripcord on his parachute.

After the meeting, Yummy Wampler was doing a quick check in the morgue when she recognized one of the bodies as Brenda, the countergirl from the Little Varsity Jr. Suddenly, Barney Kabob emerged from a freezer drawer where he’d been hiding. He confessed that he was terrified by the decoy assignment, and Yummy suddenly came up with a plan to “decoy the decoy” by disguising Brenda’s body as Barney.

Corky explained (in song) how C. Everett Koop had inspired him to overcome his Down’s Syndrome and become a doctor, but his mood shifted when he remembered reading rumors on the Internet that Koop secretly had a retarded child whom he kept in the basement out of shame. With a burst of mad crazy strength, Corky manhandled the former Surgeon General.

The heavily-armed Rosie Jay was making her way through the sewers as an escape route when she ran into Father Bob Houdini. As they faced off over their personal and ideological differences, Father Bob suddenly heard the voice of God, informing him that women AREN’T inherently evil, and that Rosie in particular was a good person despite her clairvoyant powers and frequent use of the F-word. God told Father Bob that Rosie was destined to save Corky’s life.

Propping up the disguised corpse and hiding behind it, Barney was drawing the government snipers’ fire when Todd rushed up onto the roof and informed him that Koop was behind the whole sinister plot. Barney was so stunned by this revelation that he dropped Brenda’s body…and was immediately cut down by the snipers.

Yummy discovered the critically-injured C. Everett Koop trying to treat himself. Koop confessed his misdeeds, and tried to make amends by offering her the antidote. Father Bob Houdini performed the last rites by having Koop choose a random page in the Bible, then reading from it. As Father Bob concluded the passage, C. Everett Koop died.

Still in the throes of his apelike rage, Corky rampaged through the hallway until Rosie managed to calm him down. Rosie noticed that Corky’s skin had cleared up…Corky’s serum had worked. Just then, Yummy rushed in with the antidote that Koop had given her, even though it was now unnecessary.

Preparing a funeral pyre for C. Everett Koop in the furnace room, Father Bob knelt down beside Koop’s body and peeled off his beard.

With the emergency past, Dr. Corky Howser reflected on the past few weeks and realized that he had to leave the hospital and make a name for himself in the outside world, for the sake of all retarded people. Father Bob arrived and presented him with Koop’s beard, as a sign of Corky’s passage to manhood. The spirit of C. Everett Koop looked down and gave Corky his blessing, telling him to wear his beard well.

Todd Baio was preparing a funeral pyre for Barney Kabob in the furnace room when Yummy Wampler arrived and saw Barney’s body. Rushing into action, Yummy attempted CPR and summoned Dr. Howser, who began performing mouth-to-mouth. Barney was revived by the trauma of man-kissing.


Monday, February 23, 2009

Season 10, Episode 2: You Got the Cutest Little Baby Face

Episode 2: You Got the Cutest Little Baby Face

Going frantic since Father Bob Houdini confiscated her cell phone, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler attempted to make a phone out of Dixie Cups and surgical tubing. (Much to her surprise, it worked.) Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud entered and offered her his beeper as a substitute, but Yummy needed a voice to talk to. Changing the subject to the smallpox epidemic, Yummy remembered the last time smallpox struck the hospital, back when she was a candy striper…and only she survived. Sturgis was not worried, since the dangerously high Botox levels in his body rendered him immune.

Dr. Corky Howser, the Down’s Syndrome-afflicted teen medical prodigy, was preparing to treat his own smallpox, with Nurse Vanessa Goodhead assisting. Corky was concerned for her safety, but she informed him that she was safe…she’d found the hospital’s supply of smallpox vaccine and taken it all herself. After recovering from the shock of her selfishness, Corky realized he could devise an even more effective vaccine from her blood and Sturgis’. However, Vanessa refused to let him scar her body by drawing blood.

Todd Baio was doing some acting exercises in his apartment when his former girlfriend, paramedic Rosie Jay, entered. She demanded to know what he want he wanted from her in exchange for the return of her baby. He informed her that he wanted to use her visions of the future to help him manage his career, and see whether he would get an Oscar nomination for “Operation Undersea Operation.” Rosie agreed, then asked where her baby was. Todd revealed that he had the baby in his bag all along…at least, its head.

Nurse Barney Kabob was working out in the exercise room, coached by Father Bob Houdini. After the workout, Father Bob informed Barney that the hospital was beset by a demon, and asked Barney to help him deal with it.

Sturgis St. Cloud held a press conference, attempting to persuade the public that smallpox was actually beneficial. Corky rushed in and informed Sturgis that he could actually save lives for once by donating his blood. Sturgis said that he would only help if Corky could help Sturgis salvage his reputation as a surgeon. Corky agreed to let Sturgis take the credit for his work.

In the Little Varsity Jr., Vanessa Goodhead asked Yummy the secret of her compassion and dedication. Vanessa explained that she wanted to be taken seriously as a nurse, and not just be thought of as the hospital skank. Then she went to go pick up a guy.

Father Bob was sitting in the confessional when Rosie Jay burst in and tearfully informed him that she was holding an infant’s head in her hands. Shocked, Father Bob stormed out of the booth and declared her to be “Mrs. Satan” and utterly irredeemable. First, he explained, she was a woman and therefore inherently evil, then she had demonic clairvoyant powers, and now she’d committed infanticide. She tried to explain that the decapitation was Todd Baio’s doing, but he wouldn’t hear any of it.

Barney Kabob confronted Todd Baio in the hallway, knocking Todd over with a chair.

In the chapel, Father Bob was preparing his evil-hunting gear when Nurse Vanessa Goodhead came in and checked him for smallpox by examining his genitals. Appalled by her inherently evil feminine touch, Father Bob punched her in the face.

Yummy Wampler examined a patient from the audience. As she questioned him about his symptoms, Father Bob came by to administer last rites.

Rosie Jay attempted to leave the hospital when Dr. Corky Howser stopped her due to the quarantine. She explained that she needed to leave to give her baby’s head a proper burial. Moved by her tragedy, Corky offered to bring her baby back by putting the head on a new body. However, he would need a genetically compatible donor body…either her or, preferably, the father.

Sturgis St. Cloud was assuring Todd Baio that his work in the hospital would be invaluable to his acting career, explaining that the last actor who researched with them, Jorge Clooney, became the best fake doctor in Mexico. Fed up with Sturgis’ self-aggrandizing, Todd pointed out that Sturgis hadn’t noticed Todd coming and going despite the quarantine. They began fighting. After winning, Sturgis offered to teach Todd the secret of being popular despite his inadequacies.

In the examination room, Yummy Wampler was attending to Vanessa’s injured jaw. Since Vanessa couldn’t eat, Yummy ran an IV for her. Unfortunately, Vanessa’s fear of needles caused her to faint, hitting her head on the examination table in the process.

Todd Baio entered the supply closet for an “acting tutorial,” which was actually a ruse for Barney Kabob to ambush him and knock him over with a cart. Barney castigated Todd for violating the quarantine and spreading disease through the hospital, then attempted to handcuff him with some zip-ties (only to get his own hands caught in them instead). Todd explained that he had only spread illness in order to give Barney a challenge, to let him be the hero Todd knew he could be. Barney realized that Todd had a point, but knocked him down anyway.

Sturgis St. Cloud was apparently performing surgery, assisted by Rosie Jay. However, Corky was secretly standing behind Sturgis, acting as his arms and performing the operation himself. As Corky/Sturgis operated, Sturgis confided to Rosie that he was going to undergo experimental surgery himself soon, and that he might not make it. He told her how much he valued her work at the hospital, and offered her any favor she wanted if he pulls through. She asked him to dismiss Todd from the hospital.

Hoping to protect herself from the plague by barricading herself in the emergency room, Yummy Wampler was dragging the unconscious Vanessa to safety when she ran into Father Bob. When Yummy pleaded that Vanessa was injured, Bob explained that he’d hit her because she was inherently evil (being a woman). Yummy punched Father Bob in the face.


Sunday, February 22, 2009

Season 10, Episode 1: The Best Medicine

A new season, new setting, new characters, new ways to offend...this time, SCANDAL! goes to a hospital.

Episode 1: The Best Medicine

In a little hospital in Little Five Points, in a long-unused storage unit, a mouse knocked a small vial off of a shelf…a vial labeled “smallpox.”

Meanwhile, at the hospital’s triage station, Nurse Barney Kabob was filling out some forms when paramedic Rosie Jay entered. After a brief conversation, they agreed to go out for dinner after work.

Dr. Corky Howser, the 15-year-old medical prodigy with Down’s Syndrome, handed some X-rays to Nurse Vanessa Goodhead, inadvertently brushing her breast with his elbow as he did so. As Corky apologized for the accident, Vanessa seductively asked if he’d like to do something not accidental. When he refused, she threatened to report him, but he pointed out that his condition makes him blameless for any accidents. (“I’m retarded; it’s like carte blanche.”)

Head Nurse Yummy Wampler was restocking syringes when actor Todd Baio arrived. Todd had agreed to help out at the hospital while researching his next character, and Yummy had accepted his offer because they were understaffed. Inspired by her dedication, Todd declared that he would base his character on her, and reached out to stroke her hair (getting his lollipop stuck in the process).

Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud and Father Bob Houdini, the hospital chaplain, were playing tic-tac-toe. Father Bob revealed that his skill was a result of his Catholic training, enabling him to see into people’s souls. Sturgis replied that, although he had been raised Presbymethodist, he had since turned away from religion and embraced the path of science. The debate began to get heated, but then they sat down to play again.

In the hospital snack bar, the Little Varsity Jr., Barney Kabob was telling Todd Baio about his date with Rosie. Barney was nervous, since he hadn’t been on a date with a woman in five years, having been in prison. Todd warned Barney that he had some history with Rosie, and knew that she was a dangerous woman.

After demonstrating his new technique for performing tracheotomies with Capri Sun straws, Dr. Corky Howser asked Sturgis St. Cloud for romantic advice. Sturgis recommended that he be bold and put on a show of bravado, but Corky protested that he was only 15 and had Down’s Syndrome. Sturgis told him not to let that stop him.

STURGIS: “I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘can’t.’ Literally. I had it omitted from my education so that it wouldn’t hold me back.”

Father Bob Houdini was taking a ride-along in the ambulance with Rosie Jay. Taking the bullhorn, Father Bob jokingly called out to the sky: “Are you there, God? It’s me and Margaret”…then segued into his own bizarre theological theory of the purpose of menstruation. After waiting patiently for him to finish, Rosie asked Father Bob for some advice, explaining that she’d been having visions of the future.

Nurse Vanessa Goodhead brought in a patient to see Yummy Wampler. As Yummy was distracted by a phone call, Vanessa gave the patient a prescription of her own…a hot shower with her.

Corky came to Father Bob’s confessional booth for the first time (since his condition had granted him a blameless life until now). After confessing that he had touched a lady’s booby and that he’d like to do it again, Father Bob pointed out that he was still committing the sin of impure thoughts, and that filthy thoughts hurt God so much, they make God poop Himself…and nobody wants that.

Rosie Jay was in her apartment when Barney arrived for their date. After a bit of conversation (interrupted by the periodic snorting of a pet pig), Barney asked her about her history with Todd Baio. Rosie admitted that they’d had a relationship, but it ended when Todd took her baby from her. She asked Barney to help her get her baby back.

Sturgis St. Cloud was in surgery with Yummy Wampler, who complained that the hospital was losing patients due to the lack of rubber gloves. Sturgis replied that there was no room in the budget for such an expense, then cheered her up by carving a portrait of her in the patient’s abdomen.

In the morgue, Todd Baio was giving Vanessa Goodhead a demonstration of his new nurse character. As he performed, Vanessa posed seductively on top of the body until something snapped.

Rosie Jay and Corky were playing jacks on the roof when Corky complained of “itchy freckles.” After a quick examination, Rosie realized that those weren’t itchy freckles…they were smallpox! Initially disbelieving her diagnosis, Corky soon realized that there was only one doctor in this hospital capable of treating smallpox…namely, himself.

Due to the staff shortage, Yummy Wampler was working in the Little Varsity Jr. when Father Bob came in for a chili cheese dog. As Yummy took an emergency phone call, Bob warned her that the stress and overwork were taking a toll on her health. Telling her that she had to put herself ahead of the hospital for once, Bob confiscated her cell phone and told her to take some time for herself. She had no idea what to do.

In the parking lot, Barney Kabob confronted Todd Baio about Rosie’s baby. Todd confessed that he had used his relationship with Rosie to get a foot in the door in showbiz…he’d taken the baby to Tokyo and traded it for acting lessons.

Later, Dr. Sturgis St. Cloud called a staff meeting and announced that there was a smallpox epidemic. Suddenly, Barney Kabob fainted.

STURGIS: “It’s all right, he doesn’t have smallpox. He’s just a pussy.”


Saturday, February 21, 2009

Season 9, Episode 10: Five Weddings and an Infanticide

And now, the concluding episode of the Moonbase Casino season!

Episode 10: Five Weddings and an Infanticide

As Armageddon Uno helped set up the turbo engines, Altair-9000 described a dream he had of a snail crawling on a razor blade…being cut in half just as humanity soon would be. Armageddon revealed that he’d begun to have second thoughts about sending the moon into the sun and killing everybody in the solar system.

ALTAIR: “You would be saving the human race by destroying it.”
ARMAGEDDON: “I like the puzzle that puts in my mind.”

Suddenly, the Computron reported a virus error in Engine 7, which might foil their plans. They went out to fix the problem.

Having faked their deaths during the big death-match, Dmitri Turnankoff and Gortex returned to the moonbase after running off to Saturn to get married. As they began making suggestive overtures to each other, the shuttle computer reported a virus error. They ignored it and went off to have sex.

Playing video poker with Stephan Fechet, Prince Schmultan finally realized that everything is rigged in favor of the casino. Schmultan noticed that Stephan had brought a mini-bike. Stephan explained that the moon’s gravity was going to pull the Earth’s oceans into space like a plume, and he was going to ride that trail of water down in the ultimate extreme sport. Suddenly, Schmultan’s laser-sword staff reported a virus error.

Tamborina asked Dr. Gaye Hoelikker to look after Lumpy (the baby that Gaye had given to Tamborina) while Tamborina was on her honeymoon with Schmultan. (“So, you’re asking me to look after my own child that I gave away and am going to leave forever, giving me a chance to fall in love with her all over again?”) Gaye agreed, then gave Tamborina a wedding present…an ornate treasure chest she made out of Hawkman guano. Tamborina could leave the chest to Lumpy after she dies…or, by breathing on it just right, the chest could miraculously extend her life. Having accepted her imminent death, Tamborina resented suddenly having to make a choice between her own future and her baby’s. Gaye assured Tamborina that Lumpy didn’t have much of a future, having Admiral Blanket as a father. Suddenly, Tamborina’s cigarette reported a virus error.

After deleting the virus in Engine 7, Armageddon Uno and Altair high-fived. When Altair yelled “Ow,” Armageddon was surprised to learn that Altair could actually feel physical sensations. Armageddon tested this further by tickling Altair. Armageddon began having second thoughts about their partnership, fearing that it would damage his macho reputation to work with a ticklish, sensitive robot.

Shocked to see Gortex alive and well, Schmultan explained that he’d tried to accept Gortex’ death, and had moved on to a relationship with Tamborina. After an awkward discussion of their feelings for each other, Gortex sang Schmultan a Klingon love song…in Klingon.

Out on the moon surface, Dmitri ran into Tamborina (who hadn’t even noticed that he was gone). Tamborina explained that she was going to leave Lumpy on the lunar surface to die. Dmitri was appalled that she could even consider such cruelty, but she replied that a quick death at the jaws of space-dingoes would be preferable to the suffering of life. Dmitri offered to take Lumpy and raise her in the family he was starting with Gortex. Hearing that Gortex was still alive, Tamborina feared that he might steal Schmultan’s heart back.

In preparation for the X-Games, Stephan went to Dr. Gaye Hoelikker for some performance-enhancing drugs. Amazed to see him walking again, Gaye expressed her surprise in her typically awkward manner. (“I thought you’d just be a human mollusk for the rest of your life.”) She apologized for her insensitivity, and Stephan urged her to turn her heart around. They began singing “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” then he invited her to get on his mini-bike’s handlebars and join him in getting away from there.

Tamborina went to see Schmultan to discuss the upcoming wedding, and was surprised to see Gortex there as well.

SCHMULTAN: “It’s not what you think! We were having sex, that’s all!”

In despair, Tamborina cried that she was going to give the treasure-chest’s life-extending powers to Lumpy, since she now had nothing to live for herself. Schmultan pleaded that he loved her, but she refused to believe him. (“We’ve had this conversation every week for the past 9 weeks, and I ain’t buying!”)

Dmitri was alone in the bar when Armageddon Uno burst in. After recovering from the initial shock of seeing Dmitri alive again, Armageddon explained that they had to stop Altair’s plan by turning the moon back around. They began singing a variation of “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”

Later, Armageddon and Dmitri were trying to figure out a way to reverse the moon’s path. (“We could point the engines in the other direction, but that seems to simple.”) Dmitri suggested that they get all the Hawk-people to simultaneously flap their wings in one direction while pushing against the moon. Suddenly, Dmitri remembered the doomsday device he’d planted on the base some time before.

Dr. Gaye Hoelikker and Stephan stole a shuttlecraft and set off for the planet Mystic Handjob, where they would build a new life and raise a family of babies with speech impediments and no moral center. As Gaye rhapsodized about their future together, Stephan had a spontaneous orgasm…which was a problem, since he only had one pair of pants.

Having run off in despair after her confrontation with Schmultan, Tamborina was alone with Lumpy on the lunar surface, so that they could die together.

Altair and Gortex ran into each other during their separate rampages through the moonbase. Altair informed Gortex that he had no business on the moonbase now…he’d only been there due to the blood-debt he owed to Captain Flash Buckstar, and Altair had killed Buckstar. Enraged, Gortex swore an oath of blood-vengeance…an oath that took the form of a song. Altair joined in.

Prince Schmultan addressed the Hawk-people to announce two major events: his wedding and their impending doom. Schmultan explained that his bride-to-be had run off, and that he would now marry anyone who’d have him…except that one audience member who yelled “Pick me!”

While flying overhead, Gaye and Stephan noticed Tamborina and Lumpy surrounded by space-dingoes. Gaye threw down a ladder and descended to Tamborina’s side, blasting the dingoes with her Cosmic Disemboweler. As Tamborina thanked Gaye for saving her life, Stephan suddenly shouted “See ya later, bitches!” and flew off on his own.

Searching for the doomsday device, Dmitri ran into Altair, who boasted of his plan to destroy the solar system. (“You’re dead and you don’t even know it…and not because you died a couple of weeks ago.”) Dmitri did the only thing possible to get past Altair…tickling him.

Armageddon Uno ran into Schmultan, who told him that the moon’s path could be reversed by the Hawk-people’s secret Giant Gearshift built into the moon…but they needed a huge explosion to activate it.

As Gaye carried Tamborina to safety, they suddenly realized that they’d forgotten all about Lumpy. Once again, they both fell into deep despair.

GAYE: “I think I have something to put us out of our misery.”
TAMBORINA: “Is it a big fuckin’ gun to put to my head?”
GAYE: “It’s a big secret password to a doomsday device.”

Gaye explained that her toy, Mr. Mister 4th of July, held all the moonbase’s secrets, including the password.

Stephan crashed the shuttle into the casino, utterly destroying it. Then he walked away, whooping with excitement.

Armageddon and Schmultan were in the wedding hall, searching for the doomsday device, when Dmitri arrived. Seeing the wedding cake, Dmitri remembered that he hid the doomsday device in the cake-topper. Schmultan offered to set it off, explaining that he had nothing to live for. Just then, Lumpy crawled in. They agreed that Lumpy would be the perfect person to make the sacrifice, since she had no future and nobody who’d miss her. Schmultan stuffed the cake into Lumpy’s pajamas, then threw her into a portal to the engines.

ARMAGEDDON: “Okay, everybody says I’m the asshole…I’d just like to point out that you two just strapped a bomb to a baby and threw her in a hole!”

Rampaging across the moon surface, Gortex ran into Tamborina and Gaye. Gaye angrily accused Gortex of playing around with everybody and breaking everyone’s heart. Gortex defended himself by claiming that, although he’d formed relationships with four different people, he hadn’t betrayed any of them…remember, Klingons have five genders.

The blast of the doomsday device blew Stephan into the wedding hall. Assessing the damage, Dmitri declared that, although half of the moon had been blown away (“the dark side is gone, but nobody’ll miss it”), the remaining half was restored to its rightful orbit and everything was fine. Just then, Gortex, Gaye, and Tamborina entered. Gortex demanded that Armageddon use his authority as a ship captain to perform a Klingon wedding ceremony for Gortex, Dmitri, Schmultan, Tamborina, and Gaye…the five people who would make the perfect couple. Everybody was so overjoyed that they forgave Altair for trying to destroy all life. Armageddon performed the ceremony, and the five brides and grooms performed the traditional Klingon simultaneous five-way tongue-kiss. The computer reported a virus error.


Friday, February 20, 2009

Season 9, Episode 9: Mystery in Space

Episode 9: Mystery in Space

His spine having been broken by Altair-9000, Stephan Fechet was lying in the hospital when Dr. Gaye Hoelikker came by to treat him with another of her hawk-guano tonics. She hoped she could cure him as a farewell present before she leaves for the planet Mystic Handjob.

Armageddon Uno delivered the turbo engines that Altair had requested. As payment, Armageddon wanted Altair to find out who killed Dmitri Turnankoff last week, so that Armageddon could take the killer’s scalp in revenge.

Prince Schmultan of the Hawk-People went to Tamborina to discuss the upbringing of Lumpy, the baby that Dr. Hoelikker had given to Tamborina. Having only a short time left to live, Tamborina wanted to spend her last days with the baby. Schmultan swore to be with her as well. (“I’ll die with you…I mean, I’ll be with you when YOU die.”)

Captain Flash Buckstar was flying a kite in preparation for the upcoming Kite-Off competition. A crewman named Bob came by with some data for Buckstar to enter into the Computron. Rather than put down his kite, Buckstar told Bob his personal ID code. As Bob entered the numbers, the Computron, registering Bob as Buckstar, delivered a fatal electric shock.

Armageddon Uno was up at Inspiration Point, preparing to bury Dmitri’s shirt as a farewell ceremony, when Dr. Gaye Hoelikker came by and noticed the tears in his eyes. Reluctantly, Armageddon explained that he had lost his “best friend of three minutes,” and had sworn to kill Dmitri’s murderer. Now that he had gotten that secret off his chest, he felt it was only fair that Gaye tell him a secret of hers. When Gaye hesitated, Armageddon remembered that she’d given him “Mr. Mister 4th of July,” her toy that stored everybody’s deepest secrets. As he held the doll up to Gaye’s face, Mr. Mister 4th of July declared “I killed Dmitri Turnankoff.” Enraged, Armageddon threw the toy to the ground and began shooting it. (“Those plushies can be vicious.”) Only afterwards did the synapses in Armageddon’s brain start connecting, and he realized that Gaye was the killer.

Captain Flash Buckstar was knitting a hat for the upcoming Knit-Off competition, when a crewman named Johnny came by with a delivery of peanut butter for the Captain. When Johnny remarked that he hadn’t tasted genuine Earth peanut butter in years, Buckstar offered him some. Johnny took a taste and immediately fell dead.

Altair-9000 stopped by during Stephan’s physical therapy to apologize for breaking his back. Stephan angrily refused the robot’s apology, then began dragging himself along the floor to attack Altair. Easily sidestepping Stephan’s assault, Altair declared that he’d come to put Stephan out of his misery, but Stephan’s feeble attempts at revenge were too hilarious.

Captain Flash Buckstar and Prince Schmultan finished building a house for the Lunar Habitat for Humanity Build-Off. As Buckstar told Schmultan about the string of bad luck and mysterious deaths that had been occurring around him, another crew member walked by and offered to warm up Buckstar’s Camaro for him. Shortly afterwards, there was the sound of a huge explosion and the crewman’s screams of agony.

Stephan Fechet dragged himself into the casino on his walker. To make it easier for him, Schmultan brought the game down to the floor. Trying to encourage Stephan, Schmultan revealed that in his youth, he suffered from wingiosis, a crippling deformity of the wings. Schmultan urged Stephan to overcome his disability just as he had.

Captain Flash Buckstar was in the final frame of the Miniature Bowling Bowl-Off when Armageddon Uno came by with a hank of hair stuffed in his belt. Armageddon explained that he’d tried to scalp Dmitri’s killer as he’d sworn, but he only managed to cut off one pigtail before she ran away. As Buckstar told Armageddon about the attempts on his life, another crewman entered. (“Somebody mailed me this vial of poison and told me to give it to you. Think I’ll drink it myself.”)

Setting up the turbo engines, Altair-9000 gloated about his plan to accelerate the moon out of its orbit and into the sun. He attempted a diabolical laugh.

Tamborina went to Dr. Gaye Hoelikker’s office and was startled to see the half-scalped Gaye’s new asymmetrical hairdo. Running a medical scanner over Tamborina, Gaye confirmed that Tamborina was dying, but hinted that she might be able to do something with the DNA that’s been accumulating on the cigarette Tamborina’s had in her mouth for 50 years. Setting down for a heart-to-heart talk, Tamborina said that she thought Gaye and Schmultan would make a good couple, and that they could raise Gaye’s baby together.

Armageddon Uno was piloting Stephan Fechet to another doctor who might be able to fix Stephan’s spine. In an attempt to make it easier for Stephan to sit, Armageddon unstrapped Stephan’s backpack. Freed of its weight, Stephan suddenly stood up and began walking. (“It was the backpack the entire time!”)

Captain Flash Buckstar used the Computron to contact the world’s greatest detective, Sir John Holmes of Scotland Yard, who appeared as a holographic projection. After Buckstar explained all the attempts on his life, Holmes started his amazing deductions. Unfortunately, before he could reveal the killer’s identity, the connection was broken.

Prince Schmultan took Tamborina out to the pool for one last fling. When she asked who was taking care of the baby, he replied that he’d left her at home alone, but reassured Tamborina that she’d be fine. As she began to lecture him on parental responsibility, he explained that he was only kidding…he’d left her in Armageddon Uno’s care. Just then, Armageddon came by with Lumpy and threw her into the pool to teach her to swim. Schmultan dove in and rescued her, and Tamborina apologized for doubting him. Schmultan asked Tamborina to marry him.

Captain Flash Buckstar discovered one of the turbo engines Altair had set up, and figured that this was part of the plot to kill him. Just then, the killer finally revealed himself…it was none other than an older version of Buckstar himself! The older Buckstar explained that he’d come back in time to kill his younger self, since he’d always hated himself and what he’d done to his career. Altair-9000 and Armageddon Uno entered, and Altair revealed that the future Buckstar had promised him the secret to becoming human in exchange for killing the past Buckstar. Altair snapped the young Buckstar’s neck, and both Buckstars fell dead on top of each other. Altair and Armageddon then headed off to activate the turbo engines.


Thursday, February 19, 2009

Season 9, Episode 8: To the Death

Episode 8: To the Death

In the bar, Dr. Gaye Hoelikker was still hiding in a burlap sack, waiting to come out for Altair’s birthday party. Gortex arrived and informed her that she’d missed the party. (“It was quite good. He went insane and hurt people.”) Removing the sack, Gortex was stunned to see that Gaye had given birth while waiting. Gortex held the baby and began crying. (“Those aren’t tears, it’s clear blood! We call it eye plasma!”)

Back from his Officers and Gentlemen Convention, Captain Flash Buckstar summoned Altair to the command center to fill him in on what had happened during his absence. After a long conversation filled with mangled metaphors and a complete lack of information, Altair announced that he was sick of Buckstar’s incompetence.

Tamborina received a visit from her old dance partner, Sal Steinbersky. Sal informed her that he’d figured out a loophole in Earth’s gambling prohibition, and invited her to join him at his new casino. She replied that she had some issues to resolve in her relationship with Prince Schmultan. Plus, she couldn’t leave without a big show-stopper…or a killing spree.

Armageddon Uno and Dmitri Turnankoff (now healed from his near-fatal poisoning) were returning to the moonbase, following their wacky adventures through the galaxy.

DMITRI: “Our hatred has turned to grudging respect, then friendship, then creepy love, then back to friendship.”

During a Little League game between Earth children and Hawk-Children, Buckstar took Schmultan aside to discuss Schmultan’s fear-based coaching techniques, but their effectiveness was proved when a Hawk-child hit a home run. Buckstar gave the kid a congratulatory pat on the ass, much to Schmultan’s dismay.

Dr. Hoelikker introduced Tamborina to her new baby. (“I call her Lumpy, ’cause she was born in a potato sack and she’s slightly misshapen.”) Gaye confessed that she didn’t feel that she’d make a good mother, but couldn’t give the child up for adoption because Gortex wanted to be a father so badly. Tamborina suggested that Gaye give the baby to her, and she’d let Gortex have visitation rights.

Meeting Armageddon Uno at the base’s Bill Bixby film festival, Altair-9000 asked Armageddon to use his smuggling prowess to get him five turbo engines. As payment, Altair would arrange it so that Armageddon would continually win at Texas Hold ’Em.

Because Dmitri had, a long time ago, shot down Gortex’s ship and stranded him on the moon, Gortex now challenged him to a death-match in the moon arena. Dmitri could bring whatever weapons he wished, while Gortex would go unarmed. (“I AM a weapon.”)

Later, Gortex stopped by the casino and saw Tamborina with Gaye’s baby. After Tamborina explained that she’d adopted her, Gortex asked to hold the baby. Gortex stuck the baby under his shirt, explaining that, in Klingon society, it is the men who breast-feed their young. (“Klingon nursing is not like your weak, liquid nourishment…it’s solid and crunchy.”)

Dr. Hoelikker was low-gravity skydiving with Altair-9000, reveling in the freedom she’d regained since giving up her baby. Out of respect for her, Altair warned her to leave the moonbase and return to Earth “if you don’t want to go up in a flaming ball of flame.” When she asked how much time she had, Altair replied “I estimate one to three episodes.”

In the spa, Sal Steinbersky confronted Prince Schmultan about their rivalry for Tamborina’s heart. They realized that Tamborina herself was the only one who could decide which one of them she loved.

SCHMULTAN: “We let her choose. If she’s indecisive, we do paper/rock/scissors… moon style!”

At the command center, Dmitri confessed to Captain Flash Buckstar that he had been a KGB agent spying on the moonbase, but his recent brush with death had made him turn over a new leaf. He revealed that, before his change of heart, he had placed a voice-activacted doomsday device somewhere on the base…but due to his illness, he could no longer remember its location or the code-word.

Armageddon Uno was haggling with some Jawas over the turbo engines, when Dr. Gaye Hoelikker came by and told him she was leaving the moonbase. As a parting gift, she gave him her rocket-shaped toy, “Mr. Mister 4th of July,” which held the secrets of everybody on the moonbase. To demonstrate, she pressed its head, and a recorded voice announced “Armageddon Uno has one testicle.” As Armageddon accepted the remarkable gift, Gaye announced that she was heading off to the Mystic Handjob Planet.

Sal Steinbersky and Prince Schmultan asked Tamborina which one of them she loved. Without hesitation, she said that she loved Schmultan. However, she had yet another revelation for them…she only had a few days left to live. She asked Schmultan to look after the baby after she’s gone.

Dmitri Turnankoff and Gortex met in the arena for their death-match. Since Gortex had told him he could bring any weapons (plural), Dmitri brought a huge box full of armaments. Before the match begain, Gortex and Dmitri expressed their respect for each other, and Dmitri gave Gortex a swig of vodka. The match began, and they squared off to the tune of “Hangin’ Tough.” Dmitri grievously wounded Gortex with a machine-gun and rocket launcher, but before he could deal the final blow, Dr. Gaye Hoelikker suddenly grabbed a Cosmic Disemboweler and shot Dmitri.


Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Season 9, Episode 7: Before a Live Studio Audience

Episode 7: Before a Live Studio Audience

Stephan Fechet stopped by Dr. Gaye Hoelikker’s lab to apologize for his failure to make the world a better place…and his failure to destroy it. They got sidetracked into a discussion of the origin of the phrase “Close but no cigar.”

Gortex the Klingon had just finished putting up some bunting for Altair’s surprise birthday party when Prince Schmultan stopped by to discuss their awkward encounters last week. Gortex insisted that he had simply been performing mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, with the characteristic Klingon passion and intensity.

Altair-9000 was taking some temperature readings when he was surprised by Babs Gage, host of “Wild On,” accompanied by her live studio audience. She began interviewing Altair about his work on the moonbase, but when she brought up his past as the head of the giant robot Valtair, he cut the interview short and stormed out.

Slightly scarred from the scorching of the Earth, Tamborina returned to the moonbase and apologized to Schmultan for leaving. She explained that she left because her feelings for him were too intense, and she needed to get her head together. Schmultan confessed that he may or may not have started a relationship with Gortex…and that he accidentally killed Tamborina’s sister Harmonica.

Gaye Hoelikker and Gortex were manning a bake sale and discussing her pregnancy. Gortex asked if she’d chosen a father figure for her child, and she replied that she was thinking of going it alone. Gortex warned her that she had a hard road ahead of her; she’d lived all 17 years of her life as a genius child prodigy, and now must leave childhood behind her. Not wanting to give up her immaturity, she suggested that she could be like those “babies having babies” from all the news stories.

Stephan Fechet was cleaning up when Babs Gage came by. Stunned to see his former wife, Stephan apologized for losing her and their child in a bet many years ago. Their reunion was made even more awkward by the presence of the live studio audience. They exchanged apologies by breaking into song.

After doing a soft-shoe number as a birthday present to Altair, Tamborina asked him how her burns looked. (“On a scale from passable to hideous, you look okay.”) Tamborina confessed that, as an entertainer, she’d relied on her looks all her life. Altair replied that he cared, not about her outward appearance, but about the heart beneath that scarred exterior.

Schmultan asked Gaye for assistance in applying sparkles to a robot cozy for Altair’s birthday. Gaye was startled by Schmultan’s interest in crafts, since she’d always thought of him as being so strong and masculine. (“If I weren’t so strong, I wouldn’t be secure enough to decorate with teddy bears playing volleyball.”)

Gortex was skipping stones in the lunar canals when Babs Gage arrived. Gortex was stunned and honored to meet her, explaining that the Klingon government was modeled after broadcasts of “Wild On.” Babs asked Gortex about his hidden talents, and he demonstrated by singing a love song to a woman from the live studio audience.

Later on, Babs and Stephan were enjoying a walk on the moon, catching up on old times. Suddenly, Dr. Gaye Hoelikker arrived, and was shocked to see Stephan with another woman (not to mention the live studio audience). Pointing out that Stephan had asked her to be his Queen of Evil, Gaye angrily asked how he could have led her on like that. Babs was appalled that Stephan would do such a thing to a 17-year-old girl, but Stephan tried to explain that he wasn’t the father of Gaye’s child.

Gortex and Schmultan were out for a swim, gazing up at the Earth. As Gortex reminisced about his harsh life on the Klingon homeworld, Tamborina swam by and told Schmultan that she couldn’t forgive him for killing her sister…not to mention sleeping with a Klingon. Schmultan tried to assure her that it was all very innocent and manly.

Moping that nobody besides Tamborina had remembered his birthday, Altair was at the moonbase’s racetrack when Gaye stopped by. After apologizing for programming him to kill, Gaye asked why she hadn’t been invited to his birthday party. Overjoyed to learn that the others were planning a birthday party for him, Altair told her that he’d be happy to invite her, but he had no say in the matter. He suggested that she could sneak into the party by putting on a burlap sack and disguising herself as a bag of potatoes.

Babs Gage and Tamborina did an elaborate dance routine for “Wild On.” Afterwards, Babs asked Tamborina for a favor…she wanted Tamborina to kill Dr. Hoelikker, the woman who stood between Babs and her husband. When Tamborina pointed out that Stephan was the one who had singed the Earth and scarred Tamborina’s face, Babs agreed that Stephan and Gaye should both die.

Gortex and Stephan were having fruity daiquiris (though Gortex, maintaining his macho image, explained that it was “frozen blood whiskey”) and discussing the opposite sex…or, in the case of Klingons, any one of the other four sexes. Stunned, Stephan asked who wears the pants in Klingon society. (“Two of the genders wear pants, one wears a skirt, one a kilt, and one is a large amorphous blob.”) Gortex confessed that he’d developed great respect for Gaye Hoelikker, and swore he’d kill anyone who stood between them. Stephan attempted to calm Gortex down by giving him a neckrub.

Altair had just arrived in his quarters when Gortex, Schmultan, Tamborina and Stephan jumped out and yelled “Surprise!” Touched by the party, Altair’s emotional functions began working as never before, and he found himself crying. Altair pondered this unfamiliar phenomenon of fluid leaking from his optics, but before he could figure it out, the tears suddenly began short-circuiting him. Blindly running amok, Altair knocked Stephan to the ground before finally collapsing.

Ending her broadcast, Babs Gage was signing off when she was interrupted by a potato sack shouting “Happy Birthday!”


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Season 9, Episode 6: Everybody Dies

Episode 6: Everybody Dies

Captain Flash Buckstar and Harmonica were preparing for the moonbase’s upcoming Fantasy Enchantment Parade. This had to be the biggest event of the season, outdoing even the Sandy Hawkins Dance on Uranus. As they discussed the plans, they found that they could no longer hide their feelings for one another, and they decided to meet later that night…privately.

In the shuttle, Gortex was carrying a passenger to the base: Blake Cherish, former kickboxing champion turned corporate surveyor for Peck Calhoun’s oil company. Blake explained that, now that Calhoun had bought the moon’s oil supply from the Hawk-People, he’d been sent to observe and evaluate the moonbase personnel. Gortex was more interested in Blake’s martial-arts prowess, and challenged him to unarmed combat.

While preparing the drinks for the big event, Prince Schmultan told Altair-9000 how much he respected Altair for his memory and abilities. Altair replied that nobody had ever expressed appreciation for him…they were usually too busy giving him orders and reprogramming him to kill. Schmultan offered him a Restraint Restrainer to stop him from being reprogrammed again, but told him he had to decide for himself whether to install it.

Harmonica greeted Johnny Forever, the entertainer hired for the Fantasy Enchantment Parade. She told him that he’d be sharing the bill with Altair, who would be showing off his pop-and-lock dance moves. Johnny exclaimed that he’d been looking for a pop-and-lock dancer for his own act.

Flash Buckstar was at the console when Blake Cherish entered for Buckstar’s evaluation. Blake observed that Buckstar had been stripped of command several times and was never actually reappointed. However, he offered Buckstar a chance to make himself useful in the parade by sitting in a cage while kids throw wet sausages at him. Buckstar liked the idea of the cage and wet sausages, but suggested that they get drunk women instead of kids. They could make a video of it, and throw in a robot with no restraints…a Robot Gone Wild.

Johnny Forever asked Altair to dance in his shown. Altair agreed, but warned that he didn’t dare do his signature backspin move…the last time he tried it, he spun so fast that he accidentally cut off the legs of several kids. Johnny revealed that he knew all about the Backspin Massacre of Topeka…in fact, he had gone on Celebrity Jeopardy to raise money to get those kids new legs, so everything was all right now.

Schmultan and Gortex were putting the finishing touches on their parade float. Schmultan complimented Gortex on his floral arrangements and cherubs. Gortex first tried to maintain his macho Klingon image (“It’s the Flying Baby of Death!”), but finally confessed that Klingons are passionate in all things…not just war, but also decorating, baking and macramé. Johnny Forever came by and awarded their float the blue ribbon. Schmultan and Gortex hugged each other in celebration, then agreed never to mention it again.

Later, Johnny Forever ran into Gortex in the casino. Johnny reminisced about his last tour of the Klingon system, where he scored with 5 Klingon women. Gortex asked if he was sure about that, explaining that Klingons have five genders. (“Male, female, shemale, emale, and centidomingo.”) Unfazed by this revelation, Johnny offered Gortex a spot in the show: Gortex would demonstrate his talent by killing a random audience member with an empty can of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Flash Buckstar and Harmonica went out for a picnic, flirting over peanut butter. As they held each other passionately, Flash suddenly began choking on the peanut butter. Thinking quickly, Harmonica turned their embrace into the Heimlich maneuver.

Prince Schmultan was manning the festival’s blood-drive tent when Blake Cherish came by to evaluate him. After donating a pint, Blake informed Schmultan that the Hawk-People were standing in the way of corporate progress, then ordered Schmultan to clip his wings. A fight broke out. When Schmultan accidentally got his head stuck in a bucket, Blake seized the opportunity by stripping off his jacket and strangling Schmultan with it.

After setting up a camera for his “Robots Gone Wild” video, Flash Buckstar called Altair to the bridge and offered him a beer. Buckstar asked Altair if he’d ever been in a video, then asked him to shake his stuff for the camera. Altair reluctantly opened his chest panel, then sobbed that he felt dirty. In the interest of fairness, Buckstar opened his shirt for Altair.

In the bar, Johnny Forever asked Blake Cherish to join his show. (“I admire a man in a Mary Lou Retton jacket.”) Blake offered to demonstrate his kickboxing skills by fighting Gortex to the death. Johnny replied that Gortex already had a spot in the show, and suggested that he battle Buckstar instead.

Harmonica ran into the casino and told Gortex that she feared for Buckstar’s safety. Gortex realized that he could finally repay his blood-debt by saving Buckstar’s life. Suddenly, Gortex heard a distress signal, and rushed off to find Schmultan’s still form. Gortex performed mouth-to-mouth resuscitation…and continued the mouth-to-mouth even after Schmultan recovered.

Finally, the time came for Johnny Forever’s Spectacular. Johnny started off the show by singing to a girl from the audience. Johnny then pulled a man from the audience, and Gortex killed him by pressing a PBR can against his throat. Suddenly, Schmultan burst in and demanded vengeance against Blake Cherish. Johnny announced that the deathmatch between Blake and Buckstar would now be a three-way battle. The terrible struggle began. In the course of the melee, Schmultan accidentally impaled Harmonica with his sword-staff…several times. Schmultan slashed Blake, but Blake seized the sword-staff and struck Schmultan and Buckstar before collapsing himself. Gortex rushed to Schmultan’s side for more mouth-to-mouth. Buckstar staggered to his feet and announced that he was all right…just before Altair’s backspin knocked his legs out from under him.


Monday, February 16, 2009

Season 9, Episode 5: Goodbye, Fish & Chips

Episode 5: Goodbye, Fish & Chips

Having gained possession of the Mustache of Authority, Prince Schmultan was flying over the moon’s surface searching for a volcano to destroy it. He felt the power of the mustache tempting him (and even began speaking in a Gollumesque voice), but resisted and managed to hurl the mustache into the Crack of Doom.

Having served his sentence for attempting to destroy the Earth, Stephan Fechet was released from the brig by Altair-9000. Stephan complained about his harsh treatment, asking why he wasn’t given a second chance to learn from his mistakes.

ALTAIR: “Stephan, you were in jail for nine days for singeing the entire Earth.”
STEPHAN: “Well, don’t that seem a little fuckin’ steep?”

Dr. Gaye Hoelikker had Gortex run the medical scanner over her fetus, explaining that she had developed an ectopic pregnancy…so ectopic, in fact, that the baby was growing in her thigh. Gortex marveled that this phenomenon was unheard of in Klingon society. He explained that Klingon semen is so potent, it cuts the female into five pieces, and those pieces become babies. Impressed by the Klingons’ emphasis on strong father figures, Gaye asked Gortex to be her child’s father.

Captain Flash Buckstar and hotshot gambler Peck Calhoun were bonding over a game of Twenty-One. Buckstar confessed that he no longer felt like a man since losing his mustache.

Prince Schmultan was in the docking bay, waiting for the shuttle from Earth and news of Tamborina. Much to his surprise, the passenger who emerged from the shuttle was Tamborina’s sister Harmonica. She had good news and bad news…Tamborina had survived the scorching of the Earth, but she was seeing another man. Relieved yet heartbroken, Schmultan asked Harmonica to have a drink with him.

After installing a new memory chip in Altair-9000, Captain Buckstar told the robot that he’d lost his confidence to lead. (“All great leaders have mustaches, like Stalin and Wilford Brimley!”) Altair suggested that Buckstar start a self-improvement course, and find the mustache in his heart.

Peck Calhoun met with Gortex to draw up a contract regarding Peck’s ownership of Gortex. Gortex related his history to Peck: He was on a Klingon surveyor study, when a Russian cosmonaut fired a missile at their craft, stranding him on the moon. Gortex was so shamed by this defeat that he could not contact his people until he redeems himself by taking control of the base. Peck told him that he could control anything with money, and offered to help.

PECK: “I’ve got the brains, you’ve got the brawn.”
GORTEX: “Let’s make lots of money?”
PECK: “Damn, you got bad taste in music.”

Running into Stephan as he went about his janitorial duties, Dr. Gaye Hoelikker launched into a Shakespearean soliloquy about his fall to such a lowly station. Stephan blamed her for his actions, claiming that he never would have taken the Mustache of Authority if not for the tonic she gave him.

Prince Schmultan had a dream of the Mustache of Authority flying around his head, tempting him. He refused, and began battling the mustache. When he awoke, he discovered that his room had been wrecked. (“No dream could have turned over furniture!”)

Taking over her sister’s club, Harmonica was auditioning new talent. Altair tried out as an impressionist. (“Here’s my Bill Cosby… ‘I’m wearing a sweater!’”) Despite his lack of talent, Harmonica hired him. Since he serves as the station’s ATM, Altair suggested that he simply retain his pay inside himself.

Flash Buckstar went to Dr. Hoelikker’s office, wearing a thick fake beard to restore his authority…but it was only a temporary measure. Gaye gave him a serum to restore his facial hair, though she warned him that it had the side effect of periodic, uncontrollable urges to sing. (“Hair and power always come at a price.”)

Having been selected Klingon Hunk of the Year, Gortex was getting some photos taken by Stephan, in a sexy “Blow Up”-style montage. Gortex told Stephan how much he respected him for attempting to destroy the Earth. Stephan explained that he’d simply wanted to free the Earth from the oppressors and give it back to the people. Gortex pointed out the flaw in Stephan’s plan…the oppressors ARE people.

Prince Schmultan was giving Peck Calhoun a tour of the moon. Peck revealed that his Texas-senses had detected that the moon’s center was made entirely of oil. He offered to buy the moon, assuring Schmultan that the drilling would do no harm to the moon or Schmultan’s people…except for a few that he might have to kill over religious differences.

In the bar, Stephan Fechet and Harmonica started a conversation, but they kept talking at cross-purposes and nothing much came of it except that Harmonica established that her necklace was the secret to the moon’s survival.

Dr. Gaye Hoelikker poured her tonic into one of Altair’s ports, instilling in him great ambition and a desire for Limburger cheese. With Altair firmly under her influence, she sent him out to kill Stephan.

Gortex and Schmultan were fishing in one of the moon’s canals. Unused to fly-fishing, Gortex explained the Klingon way of fishing: They hurl their ultra-powerful sperm into the water, killing the fish and causing them to float to the surface. When Schmultan remarked how disgusting that was, Gortex realized that he’d never really thought about it before. He immediately lost his taste for fish & chips.

In the casino, Flash Buckstar and Peck Calhoun proposed a game for the ultimate stakes. Peck put up his mustache, and Buckstar staked the base’s cache of weapons. Playing High-Low at ten paces, Buckstar drew a 9…but Peck drew an ace.


Sunday, February 15, 2009

Season 9. Episode 4: Don't They Know It's the End of the World

Episode 4: Don’t They Know It’s the End of the World

Prince Schmultan of the Hawk-People met with the moonbase’s new self-appointed commander, Stephan Fechet…who promptly announced that he had destroyed the Earth. Understandably horrified, Schmultan pointed out that, without the Earth’s gravity, the moon would go drifting through space until it falls into the sun.

Having escaped from the brig, the deposed Captain Flash Buckstar and Gortex the Klingon attempted to get into the command center, but were thwarted by the changed passcodes.

Dmitri Turnankoff was drinking vodka with his wife Svetlana (the mysterious woman from last episode), apologizing for not recognizing her at first. He told her that he had gotten her two tickets for a pleasure cruise to Uranus, as a second honeymoon. She confessed that she had been sent by the KGB to kill him…but with the Earth destroyed, her mission now seemed pointless. Dmitri was shocked to hear the news of the Earth’s destruction, and even more shocked that she was so casual about it.

Professional gambler Peck Calhoun had come to the satellite for a few games, but was stunned when Altair informed him of the Earth’s destruction, then showed him the monitor to confirm it. Checking the monitors and computer systems, Calhoun discovered that the station’s illusion-ray had been aimed at the Earth. Relieved, Altair examined the system, then discovered that an illusion-ray had been fired on top of the illusion-ray.

Armageddon Uno called his secretary Sarah and discovered that the Earth had been destroyed. Nonplussed, he informed her that he was continuing with his plan to kill Dmitri Turnankoff. Overhearing his plan, Svetlana approached Uno and offered to help.

In the base’s Laundromat, Gortex asked Schmultan for assistance in getting into the command center. Schmultan offered to help him find an alternate route through the dangerous Worm-Tunnels of Glybesia…as soon as the laundry’s done.

Dmitri went to Stephan to request a vacation to Uranus, but Stephan informed him that he had Uranus slated for destruction next. Driven mad by the power of the Mustache of Authority, Stephan ordered Dmitri to assume some provocative boudoir poses.

Captain Buckstar approached Altair to figure out a solution to the moon’s drifting through space. Altair calculated that, if all the Hawk-People pooped in one direction simultaneously, it would allow them to steer the moon into a new orbit around Mars.

Armageddon Uno was working in the casino’s cashier booth when Peck Calhoun stopped by to pick up some chips. Calhoun confessed that he had built his life on his reputation as the greatest gambler on Earth…and with Earth gone, now he needed a new challenge. Uno offered to fly him to new planets to test his gambling skills…right after he finished his business there by killing Dmitri.

Summoning Altair to the command center, Stephan clarified that he hadn’t so much destroyed the Earth as he had burned it up, so the moon was in no danger of losing its orbit. Altair told him just how fucked-up that was, and Stephan agreed. Realizing that he was being corrupted by power, Stephan had a moment of clarity and turned the mustache over to Altair.

While Gortex was off exploring the tunnels, Schmultan read a letter from Tamborina. He learned that she had gone to Earth for a while to get her head together before she would be ready to start a relationship with him. Fearing the worst, Schmultan swore to avenge her fiery death, then shouted his fearsome multi-syllabic battle cry.

Dmitri and Svetlana were in bed together, and she tearfully complained that he didn’t think her attractive. They flashed back to their first meeting on the banks of the Volga river, then returned to the present. Dmitri explained that her looks didn’t matter to him, because he loved her for her inner beauty. She did not take it as a compliment. She then informed him that she had poisoned his dinner.

Peck Calhoun was playing solitaire when Gortex burst in. Peck exclaimed that he’d always wanted a Klingon of his very own, then offered to buy Gortex. Gortex revealed that there was one way to gain his servitude: He needed somebody with knowledge of the moonbase’s design to lead him to the command center.

Armageddon Uno burst into Dmitri’s quarters and found him lying curled up on the floor. Uno announced himself, and Dmitri remembered that his brother Yeltsin had called Armageddon Uno the only American pilot who was worth anything…before Uno killed him. Uno found himself unable to kill Dmitri in his helpless state, and offered to help him. He remembered that the antidote could be found only one place…in the mushrooms that grow on Planet Fred.

Stephan was alone in his office, rehearsing how he would tell Dr. Gaye Hoelikker that he had given up the Mustache of Authority. Suddenly, Gortex, Flash Buckstar, and Prince Schmultan all burst in simultaneously, looking for revenge. Stephan suddenly grabbed a stool like a steering wheel, declared “I’m a race-car driver!”, and fled. Using the Computron, Gortex determined that Altair had the mustache, so they called him in. They demanded the mustache, but Altair said that none of them were worthy of it. Altair attempted to swallow the mustache, but Gortex applied the Heimlich maneuver. Schmultan seized the mustache and flew away.

Armageddon Uno, Peck Calhoun, and Dmitri Turnankoff boarded Uno’s ship, The Warmonger, and set a course for Planet Fred to save Dmitri’s life.

CALHOUN: “I thought you were going to kill him.”
UNO: “It’s very complicated. You can read the notes next week.”


Saturday, February 14, 2009

Season 9, Episode 3: Blanket, We Hardly Knew Ye

Episode 3: Blanket, We Hardly Knew Ye

Having been shot in the neck with an arrow, Admiral James T. Blanket was awaiting his prognosis from Dr. Gaye Hoelikker. She informed him that he had approximately 15 to 90 minutes left to live, and tearfully told him how much their affair had meant to her. She told him that his only chance was a neck transplant from a Soviet donor. She urged him to take the chance, for the sake of their baby. Blanket was taken aback by this revelation.

Prince Schmultan of the Hawk-People gathered his people for a conference, explaining why he killed Daryl Hall and John Oates. In light of this terrible action, he announced that he was abdicating his throne and stepping down as leader…at least temporarily.

Captain Flash Buckstar was anxiously preparing for his upcoming SKEET (Space Knowledge of Electronic Energy Test) exam. Gortex the Klingon, owing him a blood-debt, would do anything to help Buckstar pass…even taking the test for him.

Stephan Fechet and Tamborina were at their Gamblers Anonymous meeting, though Tamborina admitted she only came to meet people. She asked whether gambling really hurt anybody, and Stephan tearfully confessed that he lost his wife & children in a bet.

Admiral Blanket was anxiously waiting to hear whether a donor neck had been found, when he received a surprise visit from his old friend Armageddon Uno, hotshot space pilot. Blanket explained that he’d been shot by Dmitri Turnankoff. Uno remembered that he’d served with a Yeltsin Turnankoff in Spaceforce, and realized that his old enemy was the brother of Blanket’s assailant. Uno swore to avenge Blanket, and Blanket asked him to make it really binding by swearing a blood-brother oath. Uno reluctantly shot himself in the hand, then mingled his blood with Blanket’s neck wound.

Altair-9000 was trying to contact his creator, Dr. Bob Frapples, but was unable to get through. Dmitri Turnankoff arrived, and offered to get Altair in touch with Dr. Frapples if Altair would tell him the secret of the moonbase’s energy reactor.

Trying to start a new life, ex-Prince Schmultan was leading a Lamaze class for Dr. Hoelikker. She urged him to reclaim his throne and lead his people in battling the humans’ exploitation of them. Schmultan declared that he would indeed take revenge on the humans…especially her, since he had killed Hall & Oates on her advice. Schmultan pointed out that the moonbase was powered by his people’s guano, and threatened to cut off their energy source. He contacted his people and ordered them to eat lots of dairy.

Stephan Fechet was administering the SKEET exam when Gortex came in, disguised as Buckstar by wearing his toupee. Not noticing the difference, Stephan began the test.

In the generator room, Altair told Tamborina that he needed to get through in order to contact his creator. Tamborina agreed to let him through, since she never knew her own father, a tambourine player who slept with her mother while drifting through town.

Feeling his life slipping away, Admiral James T. Blanket saw a vision of the ghost of Hall & Oates (merged into a single entity in the afterlife). HallOates told Blanket that he could visit one last person before moving on, and Blanket chose Dr. Hoelikker. She could not see Blanket, but she felt his presence as he kissed her face. After this tender moment, HallOates escorted Blanket to his final reward…namely, Hell.

Having collected the energy-reactor data from Altair, Dmitri was at the command center console when a mysterious babushka-wearing woman entered.

After delivering Admiral Blanket’s body to Earth, Altair and Armageddon Uno returned in a shuttle, catching up on old times. Uno explained that he was now King of the Bounty Smugglers, then handed Altair a dryer sheet as a sample of his wares. Altair revealed that he was trying to contact his creator, Dr. Bob Frapples, and Uno informed him that Frapples was in prison for creating a robot that fell in love with its owner, then killed her. (“Wait, was Will Smith in this?”)

Stephan called in Gortex and Flash Buckstar, revealing that he knew all along that they’d cheated on the SKEET exam. Stephan informed them that he was throwing them in the brig, and that he himself was in charge now. Buckstar reluctantly stripped off his uniform and toupee, but Stephan had to take his mustache by force.

Schmultan informed Tamborina that the station would soon be powerless, and he was warning her because she was the only human he cared for. Tamborina pleaded with him to reconsider, suggesting that his people charge money for their guano rather than stop the supply altogether.

Dr. Gaye Hoelikker was crying over Admiral Blanket’s death when Dmitri Turnankoff burst in, fleeing in panic from the mysterious woman. Dr. Hoelikker informed him that she knew he killed the father of her child, but nevertheless agreed to help him if he accepted a secret mission, which she whispered in his ear.

Armageddon Uno came to Tamborina’s for a massage. As Uno made with the innuendo, she tried to explain that she only offered a legitimate therapeutic massage. Learning that Dmitri Turnankoff was one of her clients, Uno offered her money to let him wear her clothes and wig and handle Dmitri’s next appointment himself.

The babushka-wearing woman was circling around Dmitri, lecturing him about his failure to obtain the moonbase plans…not to mention his failure to figure out who she was.

The power-mad Stephan, wearing Buckstar’s uniform and mustache, strutted into Dr. Hoelikker’s laboratory and informed her that he’d aimed all the station’s defenses towards Earth. He planned to destroy the world and make a new start, and he asked her to join him as his bride. Appalled by his plan but touched by his offer, Gaye agreed to be his queen of evil. Stephan gave her Buckstar’s mustache, and she applied it to her forehead as “the unibrow of power.”

Altair contacted Dr. Frapples on the Computron monitor. Frapples confessed that he was indeed in prison for creating a robot with feelings, but that wasn’t the first one…the first feeling robot was Altair himself.

Captain Buckstar and Gortex broke out of the brig, making their way through the sewers.


Friday, February 13, 2009

Season 9, Episode 2: Goin' Too Far 'Cause You Know It Don't Matter Anyway

Episode 2: Goin’ Too Far ’Cause You Know It Don’t Matter Anyway

Dmitri Turnankoff hypnotized the captive Admiral James T. Blanket, instructing him to gather as much top-secret information as he could, then bring the data back to him. Dmitri also threw in a post-hypnotic command: Whenever he hears the word “chicken,” Blanket will do a funny dance and plant a passionate kiss on whoever said it.

Dr. Gaye Hoelikker and Stephan Fechet were preparing some fireworks for the moonbase’s Independence Day celebration. Dr. Hoelikker explained that the Hawk-People’s guano was such an incredibly useful all-purpose substance, she could make it into anything from a power source, to fireworks, to skin cream, to a medicinal tonic. Stephan drank the tonic, then realized that he’d forgotten to ask what it does.

Captain Flash Buckstar was dealing a hand of blackjack to Prince Schmultan of the Hawk-People, when Schmultan noticed a poster on the wall for an upcoming Hall & Oates concert. Awestruck, Schmultan explained that Hall & Oates were great heroes to his people. Several years ago, when the Hawk-People first began receiving radio transmissions from Earth, they heard a warning that a man-eater was coming to chew them up. Thus forewarned, they mounted a defense and defeated the beast.

Daryl Hall & John Oates were approaching the moonbase in their spacepod, looking forward to spreading their music to the new frontier of space.

The hypnotized Admiral Blanket stopped by Dr. Hoelikker’s lab. She apologized for not releasing him when she drunkenly staggered into Dmitri’s quarters and found him chained up, but he was more concerned with asking her all about the station’s workings. Before she could explain, the station’s lunch menu came up on the computer screen, and Gaye complained about the chicken-fried steak. Hearing the code word, Blanket did the chicken-dance and kissed her.

Stephan and Dmitri were setting up the stage for the Hall & Oates concert. Stephan informed Dmitri that the corporate American music industry had outlawed all music from before 2005, so the moon was now the only refuge for classic rock.

Flash Buckstar was showing Daryl Hall around the moonbase. Taking Buckstar aside, Hall confided that he was sick of his partner, then offered the captain $6.00 to kill Oates. As a further incentive, Hall offered him Oates’ place in the act (“You’ve got the mustache for it!”). Buckstar envisioned a future filled with fame, fortune, and groupies.

In the lounge, Prince Schmultan told John Oates that he would do anything to fulfill his debt to Hall & Oates, so Oates asked him to kill Hall. Having sworn to obey, Schmultan was torn by the dilemma: He must kill one half of the saviors in order to repay the other.

Later, Schmultan was in Dr. Gaye Hoelikker’s lab for his scheduled package-enlargement session, and he confided that he was obligated to kill one of his heroes. Gaye offered to help by giving him an invisibility device so he wouldn’t be captured.

SCHMULTAN: “So, your advice is to do it and not get caught?”
HOELIKKER: “I’m a chemist. Moral issues are a little outside my area of expertise.”

Dmitri was playing blackjack with Hall & Oates, telling them what an important event their 1993 Moscow concert had been to his people. They recalled how their performance of “Sara Smile” touched an entire nation…even though nobody in the nation was named “Sara.” Dmitri asked Hall & Oates to sign his jumpsuit, so they autographed the crotch.

Stephan Fechet caught Admiral Blanket sabotaging the 4th of July fireworks, and immediately realized that the Admiral was under communist hypnosis. To test his theory, Stephan said “chicken.” Of course, Blanket went into his dance and kissed Stephan.

Flash Buckstar asked Dmitri Turnankoff to kill John Oates for him (since Dmitri, being Russian, was obviously a natural born killer). Dmitri informed Buckstar that he would only accept the assignment if the U.S. turned over Alaska to the Soviet Union. On behalf of the American government, Captain Buckstar agreed.

After their final number, the Hall & Oates concert was disrupted when an arrow flew by and narrowly missed them both. Forgetting their differences, the frightened pop stars joined fists (“Hall & Oates powers, ACTIVATE!”).

In his quarters, Captain Flash Buckstar was going over some numbers when Stephan brought in the hypnotized Admiral Blanket. Blanket tipped his hat, and the Captain returned the gesture, inadvertently losing his toupee. Stephan explained that Blanket was in league with Dmitri, and was thus a pawn of the Roman Catholic Russian conspiracy. Suddenly, Stephan noticed that Blanket had Dr. Hoelikker’s goggles around his neck.

STEPHAN: “What have you done with her? Tell us what you’ve done with her!”
BUCKSTAR: “And say it slowly.”

Hall & Oates sought refuge in Dr. Hoelikker’s quarters. Emotionally bonding due to the danger, Gaye confided that she had lost her virginity today.

HALL: “Well, tell us about it.”
OATES: “And say it slowly.”

Suddenly, Dmitri entered fired an arrow, but missed. John Oates picked up the arrow, explaining that his long friendship with Ted Nugent had made him an expert with weapons. Hall & Oates confessed that they had each tried to have the other killed, but now realized that they truly belonged together. As they embraced, Prince Schmultan entered underneath his invisibility device. Not having heard the reconciliation, Schmultan stabbed Hall in the back, inadvertently running Oates through as well. Confused, Dmitri fired an arrow towards the unseen assailant, but instead nicked Admiral Blanket in the neck. Throwing off his invisibility, the guilt-ridden Schmultan pulled out some padding from his loincloth and applied it to Blanket’s wound, but Blanket insisted he’d rather let it bleed.