Episode 21: The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre
Francis of the Rock People was in his cave, admiring the new mechanical hand that Aquilius had fitted to his arm. The peasant Nort entered carrying the legendary magical book, the Negronomicon. Nort believe that the book held the solution to the problem of what to do with Eileve’s baby. They realized that they should both be by Eileve’s side at this crucial time, and rushed off.
Baron Üterrüs was admiring himself in the Magic Mirror. He told the Mirror that he no longer needed it to foresee the future…he KNEW that he was destined to conquer Ye Little Points of Five. However, he did have one question (which he asked in a song): What could he conquer next? The Mirror answered in an ’80s power ballad.
Aquilius, the scantily-clad King of the Sea, was admiring his physique when King Plough rushed in, demanding hot water to help deliver Eileve’s baby. Before he complied, Aquilius had a surprise for him…he had completed the mechanical arm King Plough had requested. Aquilius boasted that he had to go to the land of the Fleugelflegehibben and slay three enchanted beasts to gather the materials for it. Suddenly, he noticed that King Plough’s own arm had been reattached, so all his work had been for nothing. Plough apologized for not telling him about his arm’s restoration, and thanked Aquilius for his hard, if unnecessary, work. Plough remembered that he had come to get help for Eileve. Aquilius grabbed his magical hammer to assist with the delivery.
Alone and in labor, Eileve gave a heartfelt monologue in which he remembered his own birth, just 8 weeks ago. He realized that he couldn’t sacrifice his child to defeat Baron Üterrüs, because the principles of family and love were more important than the fate of the kingdom. Francis and Nort rushed in, followed shortly by King Plough and Aquilius. Nort read a spell to ease the delivery, while Aquilius prepared to force the baby out with his hammer. The lights went down as Aquilius struck his blow, and when the lights came back up, the child had emerged…a fully-grown Magic Jones, reborn!
Baron Üterrüs was plotting atop Skank Mountain, boasting that the only man who could have defeated him, Magic Jones, was now dead. Suddenly, Magic Jones materialized at his side. Jones informed Üterrüs that he had been reborn from a man…a loophole in the prophecy that no man born of woman could defeat the Baron. Jones surprised the Baron by asking to join him in his conquest. Together, they could remake the world into BaronÜterrüsLand.
Aquilius and the Magic Mirror set out to apologize to the Fluegelflegehibben. The Mirror sensed that Aquilius had more on his mind, and Aquilius explained that his he was grieving for his daughter Guinevere, who had been murdered by Baron Üterrüs. Aquilius announced that he was fed up with all the elaborate plots involving magic books and pregnant men, and that somebody should just go ahead and kill Üterrüs. Aquilius broke down in tears, and the Mirror comforted him.
King Plough was admiring the weapons in his armory. He wondered why, when he had such an assortment of arms, he carried such a short sword. (“Am I trying to under-compensate for something?”) Nort came in, begging for change. Plough told Nort that such panhandling was beneath him, and that he had the potential for greatness inside him. To help Nort better himself, the King made him a Duke.
Eileve and Francis were trying to adjust to life as new parents. Eileve was concerned about Magic Jones’ rushing off immediately after his rebirth, not to mention the fact that he now dressed all in black. Eileve worried that their son was rebelling already. Magic Jones arrived, and Eileve suddenly noticed that the crystal ball in Jones’ staff still contained a vision of the conquered BaronÜterrüsLand. Jones realized that his secret was out, and that he would now have to kill his parents to protect it. As Jones grasped Eileve’s neck, Francis punched Jones in the face.
Baron Üterrüs was tending his store when Aquilius arrived. He declared that he was going to destroy the Dual Sword of Destiny with the same hammer with which it was forged…the Sacred Hammer of Ghalegaar. Üterrüs and Aquilius engaged in a fierce slow-motion battle, which ended when Üterrüs smashed Aquilius’ back over his knee. The mortally injured Aquilius uttered one last enchantment to send his hammer to King Plough’s hands, before Üterrüs killed him with his “soul kiss.”
Magic Jones visited the Magic Mirror, which had been his friend ever since Jones’ first childhood, when all the other young wizards shunned Jones for his bad complexion. The Mirror remembered his own prior existence, when a witch cursed him and transformed him into a mirror. Jones assured the Mirror that he could return to his old self simply by shedding his frame. Puzzled, the Mirror lowered his frame, revealing a man in a hooded sweatshirt behind it. Jones explained that he had restored the Mirror’s humanity as one last favor before he killed him. The Mirror pleaded for his life, and Jones took pity and offered him a chance to run away. The Mirror ran away.
Duke Nort was singing about his good fortune when Eileve walked by. Nort lamented that he didn’t know what to do now that he was no longer a bum. Eileve assured Nort that he was never a bum; he always had strength & goodness inside, but was held back by his own lack of confidence. Eileve realized that he himself was also being held back by his obsession with living up to his late father Kalgon…he had even been wearing Kalgon’s hair as a wig. Eileve shed Kalgon’s wig and vest. As Eileve disrobed, Nort started sticking shekels down his shorts.
Francis was alone in his cave when the former Magic Mirror rushed in. The Mirror explained that Jones had gone over to the dark side and joined Baron Üterrüs. Although he was no longer a mirror, the Mirror still had his gifts of foresight, and planned to use them against the Baron. Francis assured the Mirror that he would fight by his side.
At Linens Und Thïngs, Baron Üterrüs had just ripped off Aquilius’ head when King Plough burst in with the Hammer of Ghalegaar. Suddenly, Aquilius’ penis began speaking from underneath his loincloth. Aquilius’ penis told Plough that he had no chance by himself, but could only defeat Üterrüs by gathering the Army of Four. Disgusted by the spectacle, the Baron cut off Aquilius’ penis. In honor of its memory, Plough promised to rename the Army of Four the Army of Foreskin. As King Plough rushed out, Francis and the former Mirror ran in. Üterrüs informed the Mirror that he no longer needed it, since Magic Jones was now giving him all his advice and plans. The Mirror asked Üterrüs to think of his love, Chambliss Tucker. The Mirror explained that, although Chambliss may be gone, her goodness still existed in the world…but it wouldn’t if Magic Jones had his way. Üterrüs suddenly realized that Magic Jones was using him.
TO BE CONTINUED…