Episode 6: The Prisoner of Castle Gayskull
Constance Snell was struggling to adjust to her new life as Mrs. Roswell Diabolicus, especially since she didn’t remember the wedding ceremony. In fact, she didn’t remember much of anything since Roswell conked her on the head last week. Constance was deeply distressed over not being allowed to leave the castle, and was even more freaked out by the fact that Roswell’s bobcat Mr. Nosy had transformed into a hideous monster.
Gravely injured by last week’s dynamite blast, Hop Hop staggered to Red Clay’s campfire in search of medical aid.
HOP HOP: “Why this happen to Hop Hop?”
RED CLAY: “Hop Hop pick up dynamite. Not best idea.”
After Red Clay applied some cactus salve to Hop Hop’s burns, he used the tribal scepter passed down by his father, Chief Running Gag, to determine whether Hop Hop was responsible for calling the US Cavalry to attack his tribe. Not to be outdone, Hop Hop gave Red Clay a fortune cookie to foretell his future. Red Clay informed Hop Hop that the Cavalry had massacred the entire Chipapoo tribe, including the 10 buffalo-breasted squaws he had promised Hop Hop. Taking their respective magic talismans (the scepter and the cookies), Red Clay and Hop Hop set out on a magic quest to find the guilty party.
Brigham Young brought some eggs as a peace offering to Shirlene. Shirlene couldn’t believe that Brigham wasn’t angry with her for all the evil things she’s done, including holding a gun to his head. Brigham explained that he was through running from his problems, and now wanted to face life together with her as father and hermaphroditic child. Shirlene destroyed Brigham’s paternal pride by revealing that she was NOT his child! She explained the truth…many years ago, her family was killed by a traveling Shakespeare troupe, leaving her the gravely wounded sole survivor. Brigham Young healed her and saved her life, but immediately ran out of town…and she’s hated Brigham ever since for abandoning her.
Sam the Horse apologetically released Madeline from the jail cell, where he had locked her up for her own protection. Madeline noticed that Sam was no longer preaching social revolution, and he explained (in a song) that he had fallen in love with Shirlene, even though he knew about the evil in her. Sam hoped that he could eliminate Shirlene’s evil side by shooting her and letting Brigham heal her. Seeing the mess that Little One Point was in, Madeline pinned her badge back on her chest and re-appointed herself Sheriff.
We saw a wacky montage of Red Clay and Hop Hop on their magic quest.
Shirlene opened the door to Castle Gayskull. Constance was thrilled to be reunited with her “daughter,” but her excitement turned back into dismay when Shirlene locked the door behind her, once again trapping Constance inside. Roswell Diabolicus entered the room and told Constance the truth about his relationship with Shirlene. Years ago, Roswell found the young girl after she had been healed and abandoned by Brigham Young. He took the child in and performed a sex-change experiment on her.
ROSWELL: “I made her a boy on the top and a girl on the bottom…the exact opposite of ME!”
Yes, Roswell was a hermaphrodite him/herself, and had altered Shirlene to be his perfect match.
Brigham Young and Sam the Horse were discussing all the weirdness they’d been through lately, and the conversation drifted to what they should do about Shirlene. Suddenly, God spoke to Brigham with some advice.
GOD: “I love all my creations, but sometimes I have to do the humane thing. I want you to do the humane thing.”
BRIGHAM: “Have her spayed?”
GOD: “Brigham, I’m sorry about your brain. I should have worked harder on it.”
God explained that, just as He sends down lightning to put down rabid dogs, Brigham should put down Shirlene. Sam took Brigham aside and explained that, as an animal, Sam had a connection with God…and he’s learned that sometimes God is wrong.
Roswell Diabolicus was stacking packages at the general store when Hop Hop came in, compelled by a mysterious urge to seek out Roswell’s newest invention, “Band-Aids.” Hop Hop confronted Roswell about the Chipapoo massacre, and Roswell suggested that Red Clay might have called in the Cavalry himself so that he could be the last of his tribe.
Constance Snell wrote a letter pleading for help, attaching the note to the leg of a bat.
Red Clay was luring passersby in by offering free beef jerky samples, then using his scepter to test their guilt. Suddenly, a bat landed on Red Clay’s shoulder, and he read the note tied to its leg. When Madeline passed by, Red Clay tested her and explained the situation. Madeline figured it was obvious that Roswell Diabolicus was responsible for the massacre. Brigham Young came back for a second helping of jerky.
RED CLAY: “Care for Teriyaki version, made from flesh of Hop Hop?”
Hop Hop rushed in and grabbed the Teriyaki jerky so he could reattach his skin.
Sam the Horse dreamed of a romantic dance sequence with Shirlene.
Back at Castle Gayskull, Shirlene sent a telegram to the US Cavalry, thanking them for their timely response. Madeline knocked on the door while the rest of her posse hid in the bushes. Madeline told Shirlene that she was checking in because Shirlene hadn’t been coming to school, and Shirlene explained her absence by accusing Will McGotnuthin of improper advances. Constance ran down the stairs and took this opportunity to escape, but was immediately brought back in tow when Roswell arrived. Roswell menacingly told Madeline that Mr. Nosy needed more food. Suddenly, the posse burst in to the rescue. Brigham shot Shirlene, and Madeline drove her parasol handle through Mr. Nosy’s heart (though, not being wood, it didn’t really have any effect on the undead monster-cat). Using his tribal scepter, Red Clay was surprised to discover that Shirlene was the guilty party. They all gathered around the mortally wounded Shirlene. Suddenly, God spoke to Brigham, saying that He’d changed his mind about putting Shirlene down. Too late. Roswell Diabolicus explained the true secret of Little One Point, and why everyone present had been drawn to it. Roswell revealed that he was the father of everyone there…except for Red Clay. In Red Clay’s case, Roswell was Red Clay’s mother!
TO BE CONTINUED…