Episode 18: Another Day, Another Shooting
Constance was cleaning up the bar with her new invention, something she called “paper towels.” Jesus Christ entered and ordered a glass of water, which he immediately turned into wine. Realizing that she was in the presence of the savior, Constance fell at his feet. Constance told Jesus that she has no longer whoring since she removed her vagina. Jesus replied that he didn’t object to her former profession, reminding her that his girlfriend was a whore. Jesus then asked her to think about the child she conceived with Brigham Young. Constance admitted that she didn’t feel any connection to it, since Roswell Diabolicus had actually carried and given birth to the child. Jesus urged Constance to get the baby back and find that connection.
Brigham Young had just finished putting metal plates in the street (as part of Roswell’s diabolical invention “traffic”), when Judge X walked by. Judge X explained that he was aiming to take down Will McGotnuthin. However, being bound by the law, Judge X couldn’t take action unless Will actually broke the law. Brigham suggested provoking a duel with Will, so that Judge X could shoot Will after Will shoots Brigham.
Having previously taken over the mayor’s office, Trapper Jean expanded his power base by claiming the general store. Roswell Diabolicus arrived and accused Jean of betraying their alliance by moving in on Roswell’s territory. Jean explained that he was upset and neglected because they weren’t spending any quality evil time together. Suddenly, the mysterious stranger entered, and Roswell recognized him as his old arch-nemesis, Ass Masterson! Roswell had thought Ass had died years ago in a carriage explosion, but Ass replied that he had missed that carriage. Jean desperately demanded to know who really died in that explosion.
Will was teaching class, as Judge X watched through a hole in the wall. Trapper Jean strolled by and told Judge X that he was peeking through the wrong wall to see the boys’ locker room. Inside, Madeline entered to discuss the Judge X situation with Will. Madeline resented the Judge coming into town and overriding her authority. Will replied that she didn’t need to worry about Judge X. (MADELINE: “I wasn’t worried, I was getting ready to kick ass!”) Will explained that he was leaving town so that Judge X would leave Little One Point alone. Outside, Constance walked by and informed Judge X that word was getting around about his peeping-tom ways.
Constance was sitting around at home, singing “Happy Birthday” to herself. Brigham entered, and Constance told him about Jesus’ admonition to get the baby back from Roswell Diabolicus. Brigham revealed that he’d been thinking the same thing, and showed her the birthday present he’d brought…a little purple cowboy outfit for the baby. Brigham explained that he’d joined Roswell to dull the pain of his broken heart, but that he now realized he needed his child. He told her that they should raise the baby together and let it know both its parents…at least until Brigham leaves for Utah.
Trapper Jean continued to expand his empire by claiming the jail. Madeline entered and told him he couldn’t just waltz in and take things over. When Jean mockingly asked what she was going to do about it, she responded by locking him up.
Judge X followed relentlessly as Will went about his daily routine: the ice cream store, the dog track, the methadone clinic…
At Castle Gayskull, Roswell Diabolicus was bonding with the baby when Constance arrived, on the pretext of showing Roswell her new invention. As she explained the concept of “paper towels,” Roswell pointed out how wasteful her invention was. Suddenly, Roswell realized that the potential damage to the environment would make Constance’s invention a great tool for evil. Roswell gave Constance a hug to congratulate her, and Constance took advantage of the distraction to snatch the baby.
Brigham Young was at the bar, all set to say his farewells to the town…except nobody was there to hear him. Jesus Christ entered and revealed his identity to Brigham. Brigham was still reeling from this revelation when Jesus explained that Brigham was chosen to be a prophet as well. Brigham confessed that his faith had been shaky recently. He used to talk to God constantly, but hadn’t heard from Him since Brigham started his relationship with Red Clay (a relationship now referred to as “the unpleasantness”). Jesus told Brigham that God still had a place in His heart for Brigham, and that Brigham still had a destiny to fulfill. Moved by Jesus’ words (especially after Jesus told him he’d be able to marry as many broads as he wanted), Brigham resolved to go to Utah and found the Mormons.
Now that Constance had taken the baby away, Roswell Diabolicus was freaking out. Since he couldn’t use the baby’s divine powers to conquer the world, Roswell resolved to destroy the world instead. Gloating maniacally to himself, Roswell recalled that, back when he was hopped up on caffeine from Constance-Cola, he managed to construct his greatest weapon: The Rhode Island Cannon (as mentioned in the first two episodes, and completely forgotten since then). With a cannon capable of firing Rhode Island-sized cannonballs, he would only need 500 shots to destroy all the land mass on Earth. Roswell laughed diabolically.
Judge X was sleeping when Will McGotnuthin snuck into his room, cracking his whip to wake the Judge. Judge X was thrilled that Will, by breaking & entering, had finally given the Judge an excuse to put him away. Will replied that the Judge couldn’t put him away if he was dead…then threatened to hang himself with his whip.
JUDGE X: “No! Don’t throw it all away now! You’ve got many years ahead of you behind bars.”
Will realized that killing Judge X would be more beneficial than killing himself. Judge X warned Will that if he killed him, it only meant that Judge XI would take over the job, then Judge XII, then back again to Judge I, and so on. Suddenly, Brigham Young entered and pulled a gun on Judge X. Brigham explained that he realized that Will had turned his life around, and he couldn’t let Will throw his new life away. Since Brigham was leaving town anyway, he might as well take the heat off Will. With that, Brigham shot Judge X.
TO BE CONTINUED…