And now, a new season, a new cast of characters, and a new setting...this time, the realms of fantasy!
Episode 1: The Fellowship of Ye Little Points of Five
Our tale begins with the master thief Kalgon entering the treasure room of the Mountain of Smoke. As the treasures were too heavy for him to haul off, he staked his claim by writing his name upon the wall. As he did so, he noticed embedded in the wall the largest gem he’d ever seen. Grabbing a nearby mallet, he pounded away at the gem but was unable to dislodge it. He decided to seek out someone he could trick into assisting him. Kalgon left, unaware that his pounding had awakened the dreaded dragon Schmegma. As the dragon read the intruder’s name upon the wall, Kalgon returned to retrieve his pencil. Kalgon immediately fled screaming at the sight of Schmegma.
In his castle, King Plough consulted with the wizard Magic Jones on how to improve Ye Little Points of Five. King Plough suggested forging his hoard of precious metals into plates to cover the holes in the roads, but Jones preferred the idea of turning the metal into artworks. King Plough snapped at Jones’ suggestion, then apologized, explaining that he was upset because Queen Franklin of Atlantia had refused his invitation to tea. Jones offered to use his staff’s enchanted crystal to spy on Queen Franklin, and they observed her taking a shower. King Plough took the wizard’s staff for “safekeeping,” and the unsupported Jones collapsed.
Out in the forest, the adventurers Tarquin the Gangly and Gatormaid were relaxing by the fire. Gatormaid’s reptilian legs and tail made it difficult for her to sit, so the elf offered himself as a chair. Suddenly, Tarquin’s ox Thacko sensed a disturbance in the distance. Alerted to danger, Tarquin and Gatormaid sniffed the air and immediately recognized the smell of Schmegma. They set off to consult the elders to find out how to defeat the dragon.
Meanwhile, the wicked Baron Üterrüs was working at his lair of evil, “Linens Und Thïngs,” when King Plough entered, seeking assistance on beautifying Castle Post. Üterrüs suggested window treatments. When Plough asked him to explain what he meant, Üterrüs looked the king in the eye and planted the vision in his head. Impressed, Plough hired the Baron as his royal decorator, giving him free rein and the keys to the castle.
Tarquin the Gangly rode to Castle Post and warned Magic Jones about Schmegma’s awakening. Tarquin recalled that his people lost 8,000 of their number in the last battle with Schmegma…of course, the elves are ALWAYS losing 8,000 of their number in some disaster or another.
Still fleeing in terror, Kalgon ran into Francis of the Rock People. Kalgon attempted to explain what he saw, gesticulating wildly. As he did so, a mask fell from Kalgon’s sleeve (or from the heavens, depending on whom you believe). Kalgon tried on the mask, and Francis was unable to recognize him, despite the fact that Kalgon had donned the mask right in front of Francis’ eyes. (“The mask has special powers! File that one away.”) Removing the mask and resuming their conversation, Kalgon reminded Francis of the time Francis attempted to hold up a collapsing dam, but let go after a stick hit him in the eye. Francis resolved not to fail again.
On his way back to the castle, King Plough was napping in the forest when Schmegma arrived. As the dragon attacked, a mysterious portal suddenly opened behind them, and a 2003 Lincoln Navigator emerged and ran over Schmegma. As the confused driver emerged from the car, King Plough thanked the mysterious savior who had slain the dragon. The woman explained that she had just been on the way to pick up her kids and was talking on her cell phone when she suddenly found herself here. Plough invited her to the castle, then celebrated Schmegma’s death with a victory song.
Baron Üterrüs was checking the windows at Castle Post when Magic Jones entered. The two old adversaries faced off, but Jones’ spells could do no more than give the Baron a very slight fever. Üterrüs gloated that Jones’ powers were weak, and that he would be no more if he exhausted his powers. The Baron then addressed Jones as “My old master.”
As Gatormaid was preparing dinner in the woods, Kalgon arrived wearing the enchanted mask. Gatormaid recognized Kalgon regardless, and permitted him to mooch some of her food. Removing the mask, Kalgon explained that he had awakened Schmegma. At the mention of the dragon’s name, Gatormaid’s interest was piqued. She revealed that, as she was of Schmegma’s kind, the jewel in his lair could restore her to her full alligator self. Kalgon explained that the gem had fallen down the mountain, then donned the mask once again. Gatormaid told him that the mask’s powers don’t fool her “gator senses,” explaining that she got a tingling feeling running down her reptile half below the legs. (“Let me get this straight. I turn on your reptilian self, but not the woman in you?”)
Francis of the Rock People ran into Tarquin the Gangly. They soon realized that they were both searching for Schmegma, and decided to join forces. Finding a weapons rack, Tarquin grabbed a bow and arrows, while Francis attempted to pick up a sword between his stone hands.
King Plough led his new acquaintance, Chambliss Tucker, to Castle Post.
PLOUGH: “I rule all you can see…unless you have really excellent vision, because I don’t rule that over there in the distance.”
Chambliss was impressed by the castle, explaining that she’d never met royalty before. Plough replied that he could make her a queen. Suddenly, Baron Üterrüs entered and was stunned by the sight of Chambliss, whom he mistook for his lost love Ilsabetta. After Plough introduced them to each other, Üterrüs offered Chambliss a position as an apprentice in his redecorating business.
Magic Jones was preparing to cast a spell to organize a parade, when Gatormaid rushed in. Jones offered her a seat, which she was unable to use comfortably. Gatormaid asked why Jones hadn’t yet found a potion to restore her. He apologized for his fading powers, and cautioned her that she might need to seek out a stronger wizard. Jones resolved to keep trying to restore her…or at least design a chair that she can actually sit in.
Searching for Schmegma, Tarquin and Francis discovered Chambliss Tucker’s Lincoln Navigator in the forest. Mistaking the strange metal chariot for a dragon, they were about to attack when Kalgon arrived and informed them that Schmegma had been slain. Tarquin was disappointed that their adventure was over before they’d even started, but Kalgon offered them a new quest to retrieve the lost gem from the dragon’s lair.
Baron Üterrüs was showing Chambliss around his shop, explaining that he was in the business of potions, spells, murder and decorating. He told Chambliss that he was strongly attracted to her, but she explained that she has a husband back home in Marietta. Besides, a relationship wouldn’t be a good idea because he was her boss (not to mention being kind of scary). Chambliss asked what there was to eat in this neighborhood, and Üterrüs suggested “elvin goodies, dwarvish tidbits, and hobbit little pies.”
CHAMBLISS: “Well, I’ll try anything once.”
ÜTERRÜS: “Really? How do you feel about necrophilia?”
TO BE CONTINUED…