Episode 21: The Devil Went Down to Georgia
As a snowstorm raged outside, Sheriff Madeline Clementine read her father’s journal. Sensing she was troubled, Jesus Christ paid her a visit. She admitted that she was puzzled by the journal’s revelation that there is “another Clementine.” She was both thrilled and apprehensive about the possibility of having a long-lost sibling. She explained that, since she grew up with three brothers (now sheriffs in other towns) and without a mother, she grew up without any feminine influence and had to learn ladylike behavior from magazines. Jesus speculated that the “other Clementine” might refer to Madeline’s true inner self.
Since Will McGotnuthin hadn’t gotten back from Cumming yet, Titsy McJugpuddles was teaching the children about female anatomy. As she dismissed class due to the snowstorm, Trapper Jean strutted in, filled with renewed self-confidence. Titsy told Jean that she was not a one-man woman, but Jean replied that he could be more than one man if she wanted. Titsy pressured Jean to get her the saloon so that she could turn it into a man-dancing emporium and shopping center.
Ass Masterson wandered back into town. As Constance led him to his room at the hotel, Ass told her his life story. Years ago, Ass’ father gave his sheriff’s badge to his only daughter, causing his sons to split up. Ass wandered out into the desert, stripped off his clothes and dug himself a hole…but now he’s come out of the hole and come back to town. Constance was slightly disconcerted by Masterson’s bare-assed nature, but decided to overlook it. She told Ass that she’d just gotten a brand new vagina that “hadn’t been opened yet.” He offered to help her unwrap that present.
At Castle Gayskull, Roswell Diabolicus huddled against the cold. Suddenly, he was struck by an inspiration: By firing the Rhode Island Cannon at Florida and setting the state ablaze, the northbound winds would carry the warmth to him. Roswell did so, gleefully listening to the destruction of Florida.
Hewitt P. Quagmire went to see Trapper Jean in the mayor’s office. Jean begged for more of Quagmire’s miraculous elixir, which looked different this time. (“It looks different EVERY time!”) Quagmire warned him that the elixir had a new price: someday, Quagmire will ask a favor, and Jean must do as he asks. (“Think of the multiple plot points I can set up.”) Jean accepted.
At the bar, Constance was stocking up in a snowstorm panic when Madeline arrived, followed shortly by Ass Masterson. Madeline and Ass recognized each other as their long-lost siblings, and they had a heartfelt reunion. Ass confessed that he blamed himself for their father’s death. Their daddy was not killed in a vicious slapfight, as Madeline always believed. What actually happened was that Roswell Diabolicus blew up the carriage that Ass was supposed to be coming home in, and their father witnessed the explosion and had a heart attack. Madeline reassured Ass that their daddy’s death wasn’t Ass’ fault. Madeline swore revenge on Roswell, and this time she REALLY meant it.
Basking in the heat from the Great Florida Fire, Roswell Diabolicus checked the synopsis writer’s notes to find out what was going on elsewhere in town. So, when Madeline arrived, he was ready for her. She confronted him about his part in her father’s death, and he admitted it. (“To you, it was a tragic event…to me, it was Tuesday.”) Madeline and Roswell started shooting it out, and eventually both lay motionless on the floor.
Hewitt P. Quagmire strolled along the beach that had formed since Florida’s destruction. Jesus Christ walked by and healed a fallen palm tree. Jesus complimented Quagmire on his hairstyle.
QUAGMIRE: “My hair is like my life…full and sexy in the front, short and wanting in the back.”
Quagmire offered Jesus a sample of his formula. Taking a sniff, Jesus remarked that the elixir smelled of sulfur, death, and darkness…but he took a swig anyway. Jesus’ stigmata suddenly healed, but his memory started fading away.
Titsy McJugpuddles proudly surveyed her new saloon, since Trapper Jean had turned it over to her. Wandering troubadour Slim Talley entered, looking for a job as Titsy’s musical accompaniment. He auditioned by playing a flamenco number while Titsy danced. She agreed to hire him if he didn’t reveal the secret of her fake breasts. The scene was interrupted by Trapper Jean’s handsomeness.
Roswell Diabolicus limped his way over to Ass Masterson, blaming him for his disfiguring injury. (“The heat from the bullet permanently fused my hand to my foot!”) Ass told Roswell that, unless he found the strength to rip his hand free, Roswell was going to die. Roswell demanded that Ass apologize for getting him into this predicament, and Ass started laughing hysterically until Roswell pulled out his gun. Ass and Roswell started shooting it out, and eventually both lay motionless on the floor.
Drifting in and out of amnesia, Jesus Christ wandered the streets of Little One Point in a daze. His Father and the Holy Spirit (also known as Percy) warned Jesus that Hewitt P. Quagmire was “the man of a thousand lies.” (“Lon Chaney?”) Quagmire arrived and admitted that he was, in fact, Satan. Quagmire bragged that this sinful city had strengthened him even as it weakened Jesus. Undaunted, Jesus challenged Quagmire to a slapfight. If Quagmire wins, Atlanta would be his. If Jesus wins, Quagmire would flee to Austin, Texas. The fight began, and Jesus easily defeated Quagmire. Slim Talley entered and sang a song about Jesus’ triumph. (“Well, the devil bowed his head ’cause he knew that he’d been beat…”)
TO BE CONTINUED…