Episode 4: Double-Dates and Double-Crosses
King Plough returned from his visit to Queen Franklin of Atlantia, bringing back with him an exotic brew known as “Bud Light.” Magic Jones reluctantly informed the king that Kalgon had sold his throne and sword in a yard sale. The king was not pleased.
Francis of the Rock People apologized to Gatormaid for the destruction he brought to the forest, but she barely reacted. She explained that she was trying to suppress her gator temper and be more womanly, since Friar Kack had taken the magic emerald back to his monastery, dashing her hopes of becoming a complete alligator. Francis urged her to embrace her true nature, or at least her current one. He suggested that she indulge both her feminine and her reptilian desires; for example, having sex with a guy and then eating him.
Baron Üterrüs had brought King Plough’s throne to Tarquin’s treehouse as the first step in his redecorating scheme. The Baron told Tarquin about a wondrous invention he had devised, which he called “drywall.” However, Tarquin was thinking of forming natural walls by planting the magical seeds he had obtained, growing new trees around his house. Üterrüs was sickened by the elf’s devotion to nature, but agreed to Tarquin’s suggestion, as long as Üterrüs could install a touch of his own…wainscotting.
Kalgon snuck into Linens Und Thïngs and asked Chambliss to return the throne and sword. Chambliss was very happy with her purchase, and didn’t want her money back. Kalgon demanded to speak with her manager, and Baron Üterrüs emerged from behind the counter in a puff of smoke. Kalgon demanded the sword and the throne, threatening to use his “influence with the shadows.” Kalgon tried to punctuate his threat by smashing a vase, but it didn’t break.
Francis went to King Plough to request a vacation from his job holding up the castle, explaining that he now had additional responsibilities as the leader of Friar Kack’s order of monks. King Plough was intrigued by this revelation, and asked Francis to summon the monks. Unfortunately, being very dim, Francis had forgotten the mystic phrase to call them. The King refused to give Francis time off without proof of his new position. In response, Francis quit.
Magic Jones visited Gatormaid with a surprise…he had finally designed a chair especially for her unique anatomy. Gatormaid tried out the chair, and was amazed.
GATORMAID: “I’m sitting! I’m in great comfort! I’m…moving backwards? Is that supposed to happen?”
Looking behind her, she discovered that she was moving because Kalgon was trying to steal the chair out from under her, to use as a substitute for King Plough’s missing throne. Kalgon lamented that he was a failure both as a reformed man and as a thief. Jones and Gatormaid cheered him up with a game of crazyball.
Tarquin the Gangly planted his magic seeds around Chambliss Tucker’s Lincoln Navigator (which he still believed to be the skeleton of a dragon), praying to Gaea and Queen Titania to replenish the forest. His prayers woke up Chambliss, who came out of the car to say hello. As Tarquin explained what he was doing, several trees instantly grew around the car, blocking Chambliss from re-entering.
Kalgon confessed his crimes to King Plough, who angrily poked the thief with his substitute sword (which was too blunt and weak to do any damage). Kalgon realized that, by stealing the only effective weapon in the castle, he had left the entire kingdom defenseless. King Plough confirmed that “We are at the mercy of the dwarves, the elves, the trolls, and the smurfs!” It was only Plough’s reputation as a great warrior that held his enemies at bay; by disarming the king, Kalgon had exposed the kingdom’s weakness. However, King Plough was not angry, because “a man must fail before he succeeds.” He then ordered Kalgon to succeed in getting his stuff back.
Francis went to Linens Und Thïngs in search of a new job. Baron Üterrüs granted him a job interview, posing a very difficult decorating problem. Much to his surprise, Francis came up with a creative and intelligent solution (involving a trompe l’oeil painting). The Baron was amazed by Francis’ talent, and accepted him as his ally, his “third.” Üterrüs laughed maniacally, and Francis joined in (even though he didn’t get it).
Chambliss Tucker gave Gatormaid a makeover for her upcoming date, dressing her up in a beret and a feather boa. (“Now you look all Parisian and drunk!”) Gatormaid enthusiastically explained her plans for the evening (“I’m gonna fuck him, and then I’m gonna eat him!”). Chambliss gave Gatormaid a congratulatory smack on the arm.
Magic Jones was using his powers to hold up the castle in Francis’ absence. Francis came back to pick up some of his things, and told Jones about his new job with Baron Üterrüs. Jones was dismayed to realized that Francis had become Üterrüs’s “third.” Francis still couldn’t figure out what this meant. Jones explained that if Baron Üterrüs gathered “the four,” the entire kingdom would become one big barren uterus (“Just say his name and take out the umlauts!”). Francis refused to believe him, since Üterrüs had shown Francis the respect and appreciation that Plough and Jones never had.
At Tarquin’s treehouse, Baron Üterrüs objected to the chaotic, uncontrolled nature of the regrown forest. Tarquin admitted that there was something to be said for order. The Baron explained Tarquin’s un-elflike desire for dullness by telling him a “fable.” Many centuries ago, Üterrüs explained, a powerful wizard met an elfin woman, and they shared a love forbidden between humans and elves. The woman had a child, whose halfling nature she had to conceal. As the Baron related this “legend,” Kalgon snuck up behind him to take back King Plough’s sword.
King Plough was getting ready for his dates with Gatormaid and Chambliss Tucker, who were waiting simultaneously in two separate rooms in the castle. Plough asked Magic Jones to help him carry out this deception by taking his place with each woman whenever he was with the other. Wacky hijinks ensued as the king and the wizard raced back and forth between the two rooms. Eventually, the truth emerged. As Gatormaid and Chambliss stormed off in a huff, King Plough warned Jones that he had screwed up for the last time.
TO BE CONTINUED…