Episode 19: Exit Brigham, Enter Titsy
Brigham Young and Will McGotnuthin buried Judge X, eliminating the only other person who knew about Will’s past. And now that Will’s secret was safe, Brigham was finally going to leave town, as he’d been promising to do for several weeks now.
WILL: “You’re a man of your word, Brigham Young…eventually.”
Despite their past as enemies, Will and Brigham had come to respect and like each other…so much so that Brigham asked Will to help raise his son. Brigham suggested that Will pass himself off as Brigham to the baby, so the baby won’t know the difference if Brigham ever comes back.
Madeline was looking for her father’s journal, when her search was interrupted by Roswell Diabolicus. Roswell explained that, before he resorts to destroying the world, he was going to give the law a chance to help him reclaim the baby. Madeline pointed out that, although Roswell did technically give birth to the child, he was using Constance’s vagina, and thus was only a surrogate. She agreed to see what she could do, if Roswell would help her find the journal. Roswell warned her that she might not like the answers contained therein.
Having escaped from jail, Trapper Jean returned to the mayor’s office. Suddenly, a mysterious and voluptuous woman entered, introducing herself as the celebrated erotic fan dancer Titsy McJugpuddles. Jean asked her to prove her identity with a sample of her dancing, then invited her to dinner.
Madeline went to see Constance Snell to try to work out some kind of joint-custody deal for the baby (which Constance still hadn’t named yet). As Madeline talked about the importance of family, Constance was haunted by the painful memory of her own family being killed by bees. Constance explained that she was keeping the baby with her at all times, even when she goes about her business at the bar. Madeline was shocked by the bad example Constance was setting. Suddenly, the baby said his first words: “Bourbon.”
Roswell Diabolicus was working at the store when Trapper Jean came in to buy some flowers for his date with Titsy. Roswell sold him some maize for 15 cents, but offered to let him have it on credit if Jean would help him steal the baby.
JEAN: “You want me to help you steal a baby for 15 cents of credit? What’s the APR?”
Outside Little One Point, Brigham Young had just started making his way to Utah when he ran into the Mexican wanderer Dirty Sanchez. When Brigham explained that Jesus had sent him on a holy mission to Utah, Sanchez was amazed that Brigham spoke to Christ. Brigham demonstrated by starting a conversation with Jesus, but Sanchez couldn’t hear Him. Nevertheless, Sanchez agreed to join Brigham on his journey.
Will came into the bar and saw the baby sitting on the bar as Constance poured the drinks. Constance explained that she was trying to teach the baby to tap-dance as an attraction to draw in customers. Shocked by her irresponsibility, Will explained that he had been appointed by Brigham to be the baby’s substitute father. This came as a surprise to Constance, who hadn’t known that Brigham had already left. Suddenly, Titsy McJugpuddles entered, looking for work as a dancer. Titsy confessed that she was worried that people might look down on her, and asked about the town’s moral standards. When the baby blurted out “bourbon,” Titsy knew she would fit right in.
On the road, Brigham Young and Dirty Sanchez got to know each other. Brigham showed Sanchez a stick he had made by grabbing a snake and transforming it. As Brigham discussed his mission to create the Mormons, they realized that he wouldn’t be able to do that without women.
Roswell Diabolicus begged Constance to let him hold the baby. (“I swear to God…a God that I do not believe in, nor do I care about…that I will give him right back.”) Constance relented and handed over the baby. Roswell grew increasingly frustrated that he would only say “Mama” and not “Papa,” until Constance snatched the baby back. Constance tried to explain the importance of family by telling Roswell about her parents’ deaths. Roswell recalled that they died about the same time he invented the beehive-launcher.
Trapper Jean and Titsy McJugpuddles enjoyed a romantic dinner at the Bridgetown Grill. Titsy explained that she had been thrown out of Jersey City for her “prurient” dancing, and Jean assured her that would never happen here, even if he had to rewrite the laws to eliminate any moral legislation. She asked Jean about his past as a war hero.
JEAN: “The war, she is a cruel goddess. She gives and she takes. Mostly, she gives death and takes life.”
Madeline and Will discussed the recent upheavals in Little One Point. Will was depressed because he had lost so many friends with Sam’s death, Brigham’s leaving, and Hop Hop’s disappearance. Suddenly, Will remembered a letter that Hop Hop had left with him a long time ago. In the letter, Hop Hop declared Will as his successor, and he also included a map to Madeline’s father’s journal…hidden in that den of iniquity known as Cumming, Georgia.
MADELINE: “Will you help me get to Cumming? ’Cause I need some help getting to Cumming.”
We saw a montage of Brigham and Sanchez on the road.
As the dinner date progressed and Jean and Titsy both got very drunk, they dove behind the bar to enjoy each other’s carnal charms. Two hours later, Titsy thanked Jean for a lovely evening and left. Jean was distraught by her departure…he had loved and left many women in his time, but never before had a woman left him. He felt used and dirty.
TO BE CONTINUED…