Episode 2: The Sword and the Stone
Kalgon, the fleet of foot and sleight of hand, was briefing Tarquin the Gangly and Francis of the Rock People on his plan to steal the enchanted emerald from the cave of the late Schmegma the Dragon. Francis didn’t approve of stealing, but agreed to do as Kalgon said.
Gatormaid petitioned King Plough for equal rights and fair treatment for the curse-afflicted.
PLOUGH: “Oh, and I suppose you’ll be wanting special parking places for your horse!”
GATORMAID: “I THINK I SHOULD PARK CLOSER!”
PLOUGH: “Well, since you said it louder than me, I agree.”
King Plough told Gatormaid that he understood what it was like to be alone and different from others, being a king. He invited her to his boudoir (“which, I believe, means bedroom”). Gatormaid suggested that he could visit her nest instead, but he declined.
At “Linens Und Thïngs,” Baron Üterrüs was training Chambliss Tucker in the art of flower arranging. Üterrüs observed that the King had taken to Chambliss, and proposed that she use her feminine persuasion to influence the King’s decisions.
Kalgon, Tarquin and Francis arrived at Smoke Mountain to take the emerald. Tarquin also grabbed a handful of miscellaneous treasure, but Francis shamed him into putting it back. Kalgon explained that the emerald would restore Gatormaid to her true self, and, as a side effect, would protect the forest from being turned into a parking lot. Finding the emerald embedded in the cave wall, Tarquin attempted to dislodge it with an arrow, to no effect. Francis managed to pry the emerald loose, causing an immediate thunderstorm and compelling Kalgon to sing. The adventurers discovered that the emerald was now embedded in Francis’ stone hand.
Gatormaid paid a visit to Baron Üterrüs for assistance with her curse. The Baron recalled that many years ago, when Smoke Mountain was known as Castle Gayskull, he possessed a great emerald…the eye of the Dragon God Püff DeMagik, father of Schmegma. The Baron explained that, when retrieved with the proper enchantment, the gem grants power over all things scaly. However, if it is removed with brute force, it brings a curse upon the taker.
Chambliss Tucker arrived at the King’s throne room and redecorated the window with a burlap drape. King Plough told her that, if she ever tires of working for Baron Üterrüs, she would always have a place by his side. He further explained that, since she had saved his life by slaying Schmegma, he must reward her by seeing to her comfort. She replied that she was most comfortable in her Lincoln Navigator.
Tarquin the Gangly brought Kalgon to his tree house and offered him some yak milk. Kalgon revealed that he was feeling remorse for his life of thievery, explaining that he only stole because he had nobody in his life. Tarquin understood the lengths to which loneliness can drive a man (or elf); he recalled how he had gone far north to find a companion, and wound up working at the home of a fat man in a red suit.
Unable to climb the tree and bored with waiting for Tarquin and Kalgon to come down, Francis was wandering through the forest when he came across Gatormaid cooking some raccoon stew. Gatormaid noticed the emerald stuck on Francis’ hand, and tried to tell him about the curse (though she was incoherent with panic).
Kalgon snuck into Linens Und Thïngs and shoplifted some material before greeting Baron Üterrüs. Kalgon asked the Baron for advice on sprucing up Tarquin’s treehouse, and Üterrüs began to envision his decorating scheme. Kalgon deliberately dropped the fabric he had stolen, then explained that he was having a crisis of conscience, and wanted to reform. The Baron was intrigued by the dual challenges of decorating a treehouse and re-corrupting Kalgon.
Later, King Plough consulted Baron Üterrüs for advice on decorating two different bedrooms for his separate dates with Gatormaid and Chambliss. As they conversed, the Baron began feeling unwell whenever Plough brought his sword close. The King explained the sword’s history: Many centuries ago, his ancestor, a simple ploughman named Donald Horowitz, confronted an evil tyrant whose name is long forgotten, overthrowing the villain by plunging an alabaster rod into his nether regions. The humble ploughman became King Plough the First, and commemorated his victory by turning the rod into a sword which was passed down through the ages. Baron Üterrüs had a flashback to his painful defeat.
Gatormaid and Chambliss Tucker were dishing about their upcoming dates, and eventually realized that they had both been asked out by King Plough. They started working on a scheme to teach the King a lesson.
Kalgon called upon King Plough to ask for honest employment. The King admitted that he was in need of someone to clean the castle, since he’d grown too dependent on Magic Jones’ cleaning spells. Plough dubbed Kalgon his new Knight Butler, and told him to get to work. Immediately, Kalgon quit. He explained that he just couldn’t bring himself to do honest work, since all he knew was thievery. King Plough convinced Kalgon to return by explaining that his position as butler would grant him great opportunity for stealing.
Tarquin was frolicking in the forest when Francis rushed up, greatly troubled. Because of the gem’s curse, foliage was dying wherever Francis passed. At Francis’ urging, Tarquin communed with nature in the Elvish tongue and learned all about the curse. Tarquin urged Francis to backtrack over his steps so that he won’t pass by any more plants. Francis decided to go one better, and turned himself into an immobile boulder.
Atop Smoke Mountain, Baron Üterrüs was wrestling with the problem of how to take King Plough’s sword when it’s the very thing that weakens him. He decided to manipulate the townspeople into taking the sword far away…after which, Baron Üterrüs would rule once more!
TO BE CONTINUED…