Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Season 5, Episode 28: How the West Was Done

The final episode of Season 5!

Episode 28: How the West Was Done

Brigham Young and Jesus Christ were playing horseshoes. Brigham confided that, since his old feelings for Red Clay had returned, he had begun to doubt his divine mission to found the Mormons. Jesus replied that, now that the Mormons were up and running, Brigham’s mission was complete and he was now free to follow his own path.

BRIGHAM: “So my obligation to God is done? I can be an old silly gay man here in Atlanta?”
JESUS: “There’s no better place to be an old silly gay man!”

Red Clay communed with his Chipapoo ancestors by the campfire. Red Clay explained that he was torn between his feelings for Brigham and his feelings for Constance. The spirits explained that Red Clay was “bi-curious.” Since Red Clay had both the teats of a woman and the man-root of a man, the spirits ordered him to make a choice and chop off one or the other with his tomahawk. Red Clay protested that the situation was not that simple…he wanted to love Constance as a woman, and Brigham as a man. (“Red Clay DOUBLE-gay!”) The spirits informed him that, if this is the path he must follow, they could not accompany him.

Roswell Diabolicus was playing with a few of his indestructible babies when Constance arrived. Despite their invulnerability, Constance was concerned with the way Roswell was treating them. She offered to bring them up as invincible good people. Just to get her out of the castle, Roswell agreed to let her raise two of the children her way, knowing that two indestructible good babies would be no match for his army of indestructible evil babies.

At the schoolhouse, Will McGotnuthin finished up his lesson about zebras. He then realized that he’d taught the children everything in the encyclopedia, so there was nothing left to teach them. Realizing that they now knew everything, the kids ran out, singing “School’s Out!” Madeline arrived, surprised to find Will back in town. He told her that he’d come back for her. He apologized for leaving town before, but explained that his sisters would have killed Madeline if he’d stayed.

MADELINE: “Really, Will, you think I couldn’t defend myself against three actresses?”
WILL: “It does sound kind of silly in retrospect.”

Will explained his desperation by telling Madeline the origin of his family name…they were called “McGotnuthin” because they had nothing…they were poor and Scottish. Will asked Madeline to be his committed life partner. Because he was a progressive kind of guy, he would never ask Madeline to take his name…instead, he offered to combine their names into “McGot-Clementine.” Madeline joyfully accepted, and told Will that he did indeed “got Clementine.”

Ass Masterson and Trapper Jean were hauling a deer carcass off the road, as Jean bragged that the baby army would soon be littering the streets with many more carcasses. Ass took a stand against Jean’s plans, and they sang a duet titled “You’re Either With Trapper Jean or Against Him.” When the song ended, Jean tried to persuade Ass to join him. Jean explained that they could rule together once the babies had done all the dirty work. There was no danger of the babies themselves taking over, since they had been genetically programmed with only a one-year lifespan.

JEAN: “They are replicants!”
ASS: “I’m sure that’s referrin’ to somethin’ I don’t know about.”

Red Clay took Constance to the general store, where he explained that he’d read that certain types of weed-killer can turn frogs into hermaphrodites. With that, Red Clay drank the weed-killer, so that he could become both male and female and satisfy both his lovers.

CONSTANCE: “Red Clay, I liked you the way you were!”
RED CLAY: “Oops.”

Will McGotnuthin paid a visit to Brigham Young’s new residence, the Casa de la Leisure. Brigham apologized for returning to Little One Point after promising to leave for good. They realized that they had to work together once again to fight the army of indestructible evil babies, but then Brigham would REALLY leave this time.

Roswell Diabolicus and Trapper Jean proudly surveyed the carnage their army had wrought. Roswell informed Jean that this may have been his last evil deed. Roswell was about to have a final showdown with his brother, Jesus Christ. If Roswell didn’t survive, he wanted Jean to build a monument of evil in his name…a Gap or a Wal-Mart, perhaps. Jean suggested a Starbucks as the ultimate shrine of evil.

Will McGotnuthin and Madeline Clementine prepared for their commitment ceremony. Will explained that they would seal their relationship with a blood oath. They each cut their palms and clasped hands, then sang “Joined by the Hemoglobin”…their first duet as Will and Madeline McGot-Clementine.

Red Clay went to the Casa de la Leisure, and informed Brigham that he had made a decision. Now that he was a hermaphrodite, he suggested a three-way marriage between Brigham, Red Clay, and Constance. Brigham stunned Red Clay by refusing. Brigham explained that he had divorced all 27 of his wives by sending a telegraph to Utah. Just as Brigham had forsaken all others, he needed Red Clay to be equally monogamous.

Roswell Diabolicus and Jesus Christ faced off for their showdown. They would have a duel of waters, with Jesus armed with Holy Water and Roswell armed with Unholy Water (also known as Coca-Cola). They would swig a mouthful of their respective weapons, take ten paces, turn, and spit. Before they began, Jesus apologized for not being a better brother to Roswell. Roswell appeared touched that Jesus showed compassion for him, and always looked for the good in even the most evil man…then Roswell started ranting about how much he HATED that goodness! As Roswell raved, Jesus suddenly spit a mouthful of Holy Water at Roswell. Roswell melted, leaving only his hat and beard in a heap on the ground. With Roswell defeated, Jesus called the army of indestructible babies. Jesus pulled out the Chipapoo kazoo (the instrument for which Red Clay’s people had traded their land) and called for the babies to follow him out to the sea. Jesus started playing “The Rose” as he led the army out of Little One Point.

Five years later, Brigham Young and Red Clay reflected on their turmoil-filled past, and the peaceful, happy family existence they now led.

BRIGHAM: “I’ve fathered 111 children with my 27 wives, but I never liked any of them. These I had with you…A-OK.”

As the sun set on Little One Point, Ass Masterson left us all with one final piece of wisdom. Damned if I could figure it out, though.


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