Episode 10: Bumper Carnage
Having abandoned his horse disguise, Sam paid a visit to Abraham Lincoln (who couldn’t quite put his finger on what was different about Sam). Sam explained that he had turned his back on his father, Roswell Diabolicus, and was going straight by opening a barber shop (“Fantastic Sam’s”). Lincoln revealed that Roswell was his biological father, though he was raised by a man named Mabel Schminken. Sam recognized the name as that of Will McGotnuthin’s arch-nemesis (even though they called him “Hasem Minken” in Episode 8).
A drunken Will McGotnuthin was teaching to an empty classroom at 2 AM when Sheriff Madeline Clementine arrived to investigate the disturbance. Discovering that Will had fallen prey to the “sugary sweetness & alcohol goodness” of Roswell Diabolicus’ wine coolers, Madeline offered to help him straighten himself out. Will interpreted her offer as a flirtation, then confessed that, ever since he’d been separated from his sisters, he’d forgotten how to act around women. In the course of their conversation, Madeline dropped her handkerchief. As she picked it up, Will realized that he should have retrieved it for her. He asked her to drop it again so he could do so.
Hop Hop discovered Red Clay preparing a Chipapoo mating ritual. When Hop Hop asked who Red Clay’s “special someone” was, Red Clay replied that it was Brigham Young. Red Clay explained that his ancestors had told him to “let love of Brigham Young blossom”…so he did. At Hop Hop’s insistence, Red Clay sang of his love for Brigham (with the help of wandering troubadour Slim Talley).
Constance Snell was tending bar when itinerant prostitute Kitty Bumper strode in looking for work. Abraham Lincoln came in and samples some of Constance’s fudge, while Constance and Kitty went to the other side of the room for a private talk. When Kitty asked about Constance’s price structure, Constance admitted that she didn’t have a set price list, but just accepted whatever her customers gave her. Impressed by Kitty’s businesslike manner, Constance asked her advice on whoring.
Brigham Young was skipping stones by the lake, pouring out his heart to a cactus about his kiss with Red Clay.
BRIGHAM: “Loving him is like pooping on a skillet…It’s hard, but it’s worth the effort.”
Fantastic Sam walked by, but Brigham didn’t recognize him out of the horse costume. Once Sam explained who he was, Brigham began wondering whether the cactus was also a person in disguise. He tested this theory by kicking it over.
SAM: “I think you just kicked the shit out of a talking cactus.”
BRIGHAM: “Well, I feel dumb.”
Brigham told Sam that he was conflicted between his love for Red Clay (though he didn’t mention him by name) and God’s calling him to lead the Mormons to Iowa (“That, and the fact that I don’t know who the Mormons are or where Iowa is.”). Sam advised him to go to Iowa and THEN find a woman there who reminds him of his “special someone.”
Later, Red Clay visited Brigham at home. After some awkward small talk, God spoke to Brigham and asked what the hold-up was on the mission. After Brigham explained that he didn’t know where to go, Red Clay’s ancestral spirits told Red Clay to lead Brigham to Iowa. Brigham thanked God for being so much more vague and cryptic than the Chipapoo spirits.
Hop Hop went to Jed’s Saloon for a tryst with Constance, but was surprised to meet Kitty Bumper instead. Nonplussed, he got down to business with the new hooker. Afterwards, Kitty started pumping him for information about Red Clay. Her curiosity was piqued when Hop Hop said that Red Clay owned the whole town, but she immediately lost interest after learning that Red Clay lost it again. She then asked about Brigham. Hop Hop told her that Brigham was gay, but she wasn’t about to let that stop her.
Fantastic Sam urged Will McGotnuthin to stop teaching the theory of “evil-lution,” calling it “a hobgobnobbery of flim-flam.” Sam explained that, rather than teaching that man is becoming more evil, Will should inspire his students to heroism instead. Will sat down for a haircut as Sam explained that every man is the hero of his own story.
Constance Snell paid a visit to Sheriff Madeline Clementine to dish about the new girl in town, Kitty Bumper. Constance’s initial admiration for Kitty’s business sense had been overwhelmed by her disgust with Kitty’s mercenary attitude, snide comments, and overall rudeness. Madeline couldn’t arrest Kitty for prostitution, or else she’d have to arrest Constance as well just to be fair. Still, they agreed that something needed to be done about Kitty. Constance suggested killing her, but Madeline was sworn to uphold the law. However, Madeline hinted that if Kitty attacked Constance, Constance would be justified in using lethal force to defend herself.
At the saloon, Fantastic Sam and Abraham Lincoln were discussing their lawsuit when Kitty Bumper entered. After Lincoln left them alone, Kitty tried to seduce Sam while questioning him about Red Clay. Sam saw through her act and asked what she was really up to. She replied that she was just trying to take over the town.
Red Clay and Brigham Young enjoyed an evening’s entertainment by looking at a series of drawings they made, which they dubbed “moving pictures.” Brigham asked Red Clay why he wore both pants and a loincloth. Red Clay explained that the pants were to blend in while he was in white man town…but now that they were on the edge of town, Red Clay prepared to take them off.
Despite having seen through Kitty’s motives, Sam still had sex with her. As they were tidying themselves up afterwards, Lincoln came back for a second helping of Constance’s fudge. Constance arrived and was deeply upset to see Kitty handling her fudge. Lincoln gave a stern lecture to Kitty for her rudeness, then harangued Sam for falling for Kitty’s wiles and hurting Constance. Kitty made an insinuating wisecrack about Constance’s friendship with Madeline. Constance stormed out, and Sam ran after her. Lincoln confronted Kitty about her actions.
LINCOLN: “I hope you’re happy. You’ve torn this town apart!”
KITTY: “I’m not happy till the $20 is left on the headboard.”
TO BE CONTINUED…