Episode 22: St. Jubal’s Day Jubilee
Will McGotnuthin returned to the school to discover that Titsy McJugpuddles, acting as substitute teacher, had misunderstood the Montessori system and was letting the children do whatever they wanted. She explained that she was trying to avoid the mistakes of her own repressive childhood, which led her to the degraded life of a fan-dancer, prostitute, and worst of all, a cleaning woman. Sympathizing, Will agreed to keep her on as an assistant teacher as long as she stops sending the children out into blizzards.
Having been gravely wounded in her gunfight with Roswell Diabolicus, Sheriff Madeline Clementine was being patched up by Constance Snell. Constance started going on about the lawlessness of the city, and her voice took on a preaching quality. She explained that she felt the presence of Jesus in her (and Jesus appeared behind her to illustrate the point), urging her to save Little One Point. She started to sing.
After going through two gunfights in quick succession, Roswell Diabolicus was now a severed head, kept alive by his Diabolitank. Jesus Christ appeared and ordered Roswell to bow his head (which Roswell couldn’t do, of course). Then Jesus brightened up, explaining that the Old Testament act was just a St. Jubal’s Day prank. Jesus was impressed by Roswell’s Diabolitank, and asked him several questions about how it worked. Roswell grew irritated by this digression, and brought the conversation around to the principle of forgiveness. Jesus explained that He would forgive any sin if the sinner asked for redemption. Roswell belligerently asked Jesus to forgive him and restore his body. Jesus refused, since He knew that Roswell’s plea was not motivated by sincere remorse. Jesus told Roswell he needed to find the love within himself to earn forgiveness.
Trapper Jean and Ass Masterson were preparing a float for the St. Jubal’s Day parade. Carelessly swinging around Constance’s baby, Jean explained that he had stolen the baby by catching it in a bear-trap baited with pudding (“But if you have been watching ‘Scandal,’ you would know the baby is indestructible”). Jean told Ass that he wanted to give the baby a special St. Jubal’s Day. Ass remembered his first St. Jubal’s Day, when the woman he loved pulled a prank on his heart by leaving him. Jean enlisted Ass’ help in pulling off the greatest St. Jubal’s Day prank of all.
Titsy McJugpuddles was going over her plans for “Titsy’s Place” when Constance tried to enter (and found her key wouldn’t open the door). When Titsy explained that she had taken over the saloon, Constance thought it was just an elaborate St. Jubal’s Day prank. When Constance realized that Titsy was serious, she refused to give up the saloon. Constance and Titsy each tried to kick the other out, and the confrontation soon escalated into a full-scale catfight. Trapper Jean arrived and sat down to watch the action.
Will and Madeline were building a St. Jubal’s Day float while Madeline brought Will up to date on what had happened while he was still in Cumming. Will offered his sympathies for Madeline’s wounds, then told her “I like a woman with scars.” Madeline realized that Will had scars, too…internal, emotional scars. They kissed passionately.
Roswell Diabolicus was working at the general store when Ass Masterson entered. Roswell was amazed that Ass had apparently gotten through their gunfight without a scratch. Ass explained that all of Roswell’s bullets were still inside him…that’s just how tough he was. Ass revealed that he had a secret to tell Roswell. After much prodding, Ass informed Roswell that the reason Ass’ father had been panning for gold (just before his untimely end) was to save up for an operation to make the hermaphroditic Roswell a complete woman. Yes, Ass’ father was Roswell’s lover. Because Ass respected his father’s love, he forgave Roswell. Suddenly, Jesus appeared and told Roswell that he’d finally found that spark of love inside himself. Jesus healed Roswell and restored his body.
Titsy McJugpuddles was grumbling about her dress getting ripped in the fight with Constance. Jesus Christ appeared and took her to task for her language. Titsy demanded to know why Jesus hadn’t intervened in the fight, and Jesus pointed out that Constance had won because she was in the right. Jesus scolded Titsy for trying to take over the bar that Constance had worked her whole life to build. Titsy cried that she just wanted to be the greatest, most celebrated fan-dancer in the world. (“Well then, FAN-DANCE! Don’t steal bars!”) Jesus conjured a stage for her to dance on. Tearing off her dress to reveal a skimpy, sparkly outfit underneath, Titsy put on the greatest fan-dancing show of her life. Trapper Jean arrived and was awestruck by the spectacle. Jean was now even more turned on than he was by the catfight. Jesus suggested that Jean become Titsy’s manager and lead her to stardom, using his cunning for good instead of evil. Constance entered, and Titsy tearfully urged Jean to shoot her. Jesus attempted to make peace, but Jean refused to listen. Jean explained that he did not believe in Jesus, so Jesus had no power over him. In response, Jesus proved his power by bringing Jean’s skunk-skin cap back to life. The enraged skunk attacked Jean.
Later that day, the St. Jubal’s Day parade finally got underway. Madeline and Will rode their float, while Ass Masterson and Constance dragged Jean’s body through the street. Jesus noted that Jean’s death was putting a damper on the festivities. Titsy tearfully cried that Jesus had killed Jean, but Jesus protested that Jean’s death was the skunk’s doing. Roswell Diabolicus urged Madeline to arrest Jesus for murder. Madeline didn’t want to arrest the Savior, but Jesus told her that He’d accepted His fate. Suddenly, Roswell shouted “Happy St. Jubal’s Day!” Roswell and Ass hadn’t forgiven each other after all…it was just a prank to get Jesus to heal Roswell. What’s more, Trapper Jean was all right…he’d only been playing dead as his own prank, and Jesus had fallen for it completely! Everybody laughed, and Jesus declared this to be the greatest St. Jubal’s Day ever.
TO BE CONTINUED…