Episode 15: The Wedding of the (19th) Century
Brigham Young visited the school to ask Will McGotnuthin for a favor.
BRIGHAM: “I know, every time I ask a favor, I promise I’ll leave town. Then I come back and ask for another favor.”
WILL: “Good thing I’m not up on pattern recognition.”
Brigham asked Will to perform the wedding ritual for him and Red Clay, since Will’s background as an actor made him the closest thing the town had to a preacher. Brigham promised (yet again) that after the wedding, they’d leave for Iowa.
After the lovin’, Hop Hop started singing to Constance. However, Constance had developed an extreme dislike for noise and light, as well as becoming disturbingly pale. Constance told Hop Hop that, since she recovered her stolen vagina from Roswell Diabolicus, it had been telling her to kill. Hop Hop examined her vagina, and reported that there were cobwebs, bats, and a little hunchbacked man inside.
Unbeknownst to Constance and Hop Hop, their encounter had been viewed by Roswell Diabolicus through his crystal ball. Roswell congratulated himself on substituting his vagina for Constance’s. Suddenly, Trapper Jean knocked on the castle door. They revealed their past history together: 15 years ago, Roswell won the castle from Trapper Jean, changing the name from Skank Mountain to Castle Gayskull. However, the castle still held one secret only Jean knew: the legendary Gray Sword, hidden and protected by Trapper Jean’s traps. Roswell noticed that Jean’s collection of pelts included Roswell’s previous pet bobcat, Mr. Toesy (Mr. Nosy’s predecessor). As the two old rivals faced each other, Jean suggested that, rather than waste time fighting, they should work to rule the world together.
Red Clay consulted with the Chipapoo spirits for advice on the wedding ritual. He had the bull to sacrifice, a thousand doves to set free, and a wine glass to stomp on. All that was left was his gift for Brigham.
At the saloon, Constance told Will McGotnuthin that she’d started to grow apathetic to all her former interests. Suddenly, her vagina started telling her to kill him. She pulled a gun on him, but her vagina changed its mind and told her to seduce him instead. Will screamed as Constance straddled him.
After Hop Hop and Trapper Jean rehearsed a musical number for the ceremony, Jean told Hop Hop that he was thinking of settling down in Little One Point. Hop Hop suggested that Jean find a place to live in the classic American way…find a place, kick out the occupants, and stake a claim. Taking his advice, Jean knocked out Hop Hop.
Trying to decide on a place for the wedding, Red Clay suggested they hold it over the Chipapoo burial ground, where the general store now stands. Red Clay explained that they would need two medicine men to perform the ceremony. Will would be Brigham’s minister, and Trapper Jean would be Red Clay’s. He then explained that they would need to reveal their “secret names” (usually discovered during the peyote ritual). Brigham didn’t have time to take peyote, but did have an embarrassing nickname from his youth…”The Purple Poke,” or “Pokey” for short. Red Clay’s secret name was “Dog Eating Its Own Poo.”
Roswell walked by the unconscious Hop Hop…and kept on walking.
Trapper Jean and Will were going over the service, though Will was feeling strange since his encounter with Constance. (Plus, half of his face had gone pale.) As Jean explained the ceremony, a voice from Will’s crotch told him to kiss Jean.
WILL: “I’m not gay…but my penis is telling me to kiss you.”
JEAN: “I fear that my penis is telling me not to let that happen.”
At the store, Roswell Diabolicus was doing inventory when Constance entered. Since Roswell switched vaginas with her, they were assuming each other’s personality traits…plus, Constance had started to grow a beard like Roswell’s. Roswell informed her that he’d taken not only her vagina, but her entire reproductive system…and was now carrying her baby. Constance pulled a gun and demanded her vagina back. Roswell grabbed the gun, shoved it down his pants, and declared “If I can’t have your vagina, no one will!” Then he fired.
Red Clay and Brigham were going over the ceremony with the two preachers, though Brigham was distracted by Will’s bizarre transformation. Suddenly, Will’s penis ordered him to kiss Red Clay. Will did so, right in front of Brigham.
Hop Hop threw a bachelor party for Brigham, presenting him with a wedding fortune cookie (“You must look into people as well as at them.”). The party stripper, Constance, arrived. Brigham was dismayed by the debauchery, not to mention Constance’s beard. Hop Hop suggested that Brigham follow the cookie’s advice and look into Constance.
Finally, the big moment arrived. Trapper Jean and Will (whose face had cleared up since kissing Red Clay) began the ceremony. Red Clay arrived, walking up the aisle in a dress and veil. After exchanging rings (cock rings, actually), Jean pronounced them man and man. Red Clay and Brigham kissed. Suddenly, Roswell Diabolicus stormed in, announcing that the baby he’s carrying is Brigham’s child!
TO BE CONTINUED…