Episode 5: King for a Day
At Linens Und Thïngs, Baron Üterrüs greeted a mysterious new customer…the half-man/half-cheetah Dewey Edward Claw III, who had come in search of knowledge.
DEWEY: “I would like to take in all your small town has to offer in the way of art and culture.”
ÜTERRÜS: “You’re done.”
Francis of the Rock People paid a visit to Gatormaid’s nest, and told her about his new job, working for Baron Üterrüs as an interior decorator. She asked him for some advice, and he suggested that she get rid of all the leaves. When she pointed out that the nest was MADE of leaves, Francis got very snotty, then apologized. He explained that the attitude came with the job. Gatormaid understood, since her own meanness is part of her alligator nature. Neither of them had anything more to say, so Francis left.
Having stolen the alabaster sword back from Üterrüs, Kalgon brought it to King Plough. However, rather than simply handing it over, Kalgon attempted to make a bargain for it. Kalgon wanted a taste of power, but Plough decided to teach him a lesson by giving him more than he bargained for…sentencing him to be king for 24 hours. The crown weighed heavy on Kalgon’s head.
Tarquin the Gangly climbed down from his treehouse to visit Chambliss Tucker, whose Lincoln Navigator was now embedded in the tree that had grown around it. She offered him a Capri Sun (“It’s like nectar…with more sugar!”) and showed him photos of her husband and children. Tarquin told her a little bit about the elfin way of life, then sang a ballad to seduce her.
King Kalgon attempted to persuade Francis to return to his job holding up the castle. When Francis explained about his new job and responsibilities, Kalgon started whining about the responsibilities he’d been saddled with. Francis finally agreed to come back. Rather than being pleased, Kalgon was now tortured by the guilt of having forced Francis to give up his dream.
Baron Üterrüs was foraging in the forest for rare pigments, when he ran into Gatormaid. He told her that he knew what it was like to be caught between two worlds, never to know love. He offered to help her, in exchange for an unspecified future favor. She agreed.
Chambliss Tucker and Tarquin were on the verge of a kiss when Dewey Claw walked by. Seizing the opportunity to discourage Tarquin’s affections, Chambliss invited Dewey in. Dewey noticed that Tarquin was trying too hard to seduce Chambliss, and offered him some romantic advice.
DEWEY: “You must do three things. One, look into her eyes. Two, show her your soul. Three, lie.”
Taking him literally, Tarquin called forth his soul and showed it to Chambliss.
Some time later, Chambliss wrote in her diary: “Dear Diary, I just had sex with an elf and a cheetah. Now, I just have to have sex with a baron, a king, and a thief. Till then…”
Citizen Plough was enjoying his newfound freedom when he came across Francis holding up the castle wall. Plough urged Francis to ditch his responsibilities, just as Plough had. They had a montage of irresponsible fun. However, Francis could easily see through Plough’s carefree exterior and saw the mid-life crisis brewing inside him. Francis saw that Plough truly wanted to reclaim his crown and protect the kingdom, but was being held back by his pride. Plough insisted on an apology from Kalgon.
King Kalgon was languishing in despair when Dewey Claw entered and offered to help take the weight off his head. Deeply comforted, Kalgon reminisced about a cat he once owned…a cat who was cursed by an evil sorcerer and transformed into a highbrow. Kalgon remembered how he and his cultural cat would sneak into plays and sometimes throw up in the back row. Dewey revealed that he was that same cat.
Tarquin and Gatormaid discussed the quandaries of love; Gatormaid lamented her loveless existence while Tarquin bragged about his liaison with Chambliss. Gatormaid replied that she’d had her share of mindless sex, but had learned that there’s no satisfaction without genuine love. Tarquin told her that she might just find true love with another kindred spirit. He started telling her about Dewey Claw, and Gatormaid noticed that Tarquin was just a little too enthusiastic in his praise. (“You really are part fairy, aren’t you?”)
Baron Üterrüs was tending his shop when Chambliss came in late for work. The Baron lectured her on her tardiness, particularly since she has so few responsibilities to begin with. Suddenly, he noticed the glow about her, and the familiar scent of passion. Chambliss confessed that he’d just had sex with Tarquin and then Dewey. She started to go into detail, but Üterrüs couldn’t bear to hear it (“Every word is like an alabaster shaft up my rectum!”). Üterrüs broke down and declared his love for her.
Gatormaid was moping along the street when Dewey Claw sauntered up cheerfully. They recognized each other as fellow human/animal hybrids. Gatormaid was overjoyed to meet another of her kind, not to mention being impressed by Dewey’s good manners. Dewey offered to teach her etiquette, and she was eager to learn. Dewey bade her farewell by licking his fingers and making a suggestive gesture.
Citizen Plough was gambling with some street urchins when King Kalgon approached. Kalgon wanted to be released from his burden, but Plough demanded an apology. Kalgon finally relented, and Plough lifted the crown from his brow.
PLOUGH: “Rise, my son. And when I say ‘rise, my son,’ I mean it in the most literal sense.”
King Plough revealed that he had an affair with Kalgon’s mother many years ago, and that Kalgon was indeed his son. This day had been a test, for one day Kalgon truly would be king. Kalgon was terrified by this revelation.
TO BE CONTINUED…