Episode 9: Abraham de Bergerac
Abraham Lincoln and Brigham Young were sitting together at the bar, enjoying the musical stylings of the saloon piano player Stuttering Sal. Brigham confided to Lincoln that he was conflicted between God’s plans for him and his budding romance with Madeline. Lincoln advised him to be honest with Madeline about the whole “talking with God” thing, or it would just fester between them. Brigham was so impressed by Lincoln’s words that he asked Lincoln to hide behind a cactus and feed him lines when he talks to Madeline.
Hop Hop brought some Christmas brownies to Constance Snell, then mentioned that his pet chicken, Mr. Cluck-No-More, was missing. After an awkward moment, Constance confessed that she had the chicken and had adopted him as her own pet, renaming him “Pancake.” In keeping with the Christmas spirit (even though he’s Buddhist), Hop Hop agreed to let her keep the chicken…if she gave him the saloon in exchange. Since the saloon was what meant the most in her life, Constance agreed to return Mr. Cluck-No-More. Hop Hop was so moved by her sacrifice that he decided to let her keep the chicken and the saloon…he’d just settle for her fantastic vagina.
Seeking a mate with whom to repopulate the Chipapoo tribe, Red Clay put on some deer-urine cologne and called upon his ancestors for romantic advice. Only one of his ancestors, Andy, had any experience with white women; Andy advised Red Clay to give them diamonds and pretend to listen to them. Some diamonds mysteriously appeared beneath Red Clay’s campfire.
At the general store, Roswell Diabolicus was anxiously awaiting a visit from a mystery shopper when Will McGotnuthin came in for some more wine coolers. Roswell was surprised that his new concoction had appealed to a male over age 12, but was happy to oblige a customer. Roswell asked Will how things were going at the school. Will explained that by teaching the theory of “evil-lution,” the idea that mankind is growing more evil as time goes by, he hoped that the knowledge would stop the growth of evil. Roswell insisted that Will not stand in the way of the natural order of evil, then tried to bribe him with free wine coolers. Will accepted.
Sam the Horse went to see Sheriff Madeline Clementine in her office. Sam explained that he had broken his ass twice last week, and would be unable to do any work as her deputy…but he still wanted to be paid. Madeline refused to give him any money for work he isn’t doing. Sam was so enraged that he began stomping around the office, bending over backwards, and even doing a Cossack dance, all the while insisting that he was in no physical condition to work. The argument escalated until Madeline recovered her composure and attempted to make peace. Sam offered her a piece of the action in his lawsuit against Roswell Diabolicus.
Red Clay set up a trail of rose petals to lure women to his campfire, then practiced his best impression of the legendary Chipapoo ladies’ man White Bear (the forerunner of our Barry White). Constance Snell followed the trail, accompanied by her chicken Pancake. As she talked about her new pet, Red Clay pretended to listen, then gave her the diamonds from the campfire.
RED CLAY: “Now, off-um with pants!”
CONSTANCE: “Well, as long as you keep these diamonds coming…”
Abraham Lincoln paid a visit to Castle Gayskull to serve Roswell Diabolicus with the papers for Sam’s lawsuit.
ROSWELL: “Sam is suing me for falling on his own anus?”
LINCOLN: “Well, if he fell on someone else’s, it wouldn’t be much of a lawsuit, would it?”
After getting over his initial indignation, Roswell began to see the potential of frivolous lawsuits like this one. Roswell foresaw a future in which lawyers could be a powerful tool for evil.
Hop Hop went to see how the school was coming along, and was appalled to find Will McGotnuthin drunk on wine coolers and very belligerent. Hop Hop sent the kids outside and confronted Will about his disgraceful behavior. Will and Hop Hop started to fight (while the kids placed bets). The battle came to a quick end when Hop Hop threw his hat at Will’s midsection, knocking him down.
Roswell confronted Sam about the lawsuit, upset that Sam was endangering their evil master plan by taking such actions on his own. Roswell warned that he could reveal that Sam was only a human being in a horse costume. Sam explained that the lawsuit was just his attempt to follow in Roswell’s footsteps, but it was a lame, petty attempt at evil. Sam confided that he just didn’t feel cut out for evil, and wanted to quit. He also informed Roswell that small children saw through his horse costume and kept trying to hit him. Desperate to persuade Sam to stay, Roswell devised a plan in which people in animal costumes would lure people into some sort of park, where the patrons would spend lots of money and wait in long lines. Despite the obvious evilness of this idea, Sam still quit.
Brigham Young laid a trail of rose petals to lead Madeline out to their trysting spot in the desert, where Lincoln hid behind a cactus and told Brigham what to say. Brigham kept mangling Lincoln’s words, until finally Brigham couldn’t continue the deception. He introduced Lincoln to Madeline, then sent Lincoln on his way. Once they were alone, Brigham told Madeline that he loved her, but that he’d been called by God to lead the Mormons (even though he didn’t know who or what the Mormons were). Suddenly, Red Clay interrupted, trying to seduce Madeline himself. Both God and Red Clay’s ancestors spoke up simultaneously. God told Brigham to put his gun away, and Red Clay’s ancestors urged Red Clay to “let love of Brigham Young blossom.” Taking his ancestors’ advice, Red Clay knocked Madeline out and sang a love song to Brigham. Brigham and Red Clay kissed passionately.
TO BE CONTINUED…