Episode 17: And There Shall Come a Savior
Having killed Hop Hop and disposed of the body, self-appointed Mayor Trapper Jean was going over some paperwork in his office. Sheriff Madeline Clementine arrived, looking for Hop Hop. Jean told her that Hop Hop had traveled further West to pursue his destiny. This explanation surprised Madeline, since she couldn’t imagine Hop Hop leaving so soon after starting his theater. Madeline was equally puzzled by the fact that Jean had declared himself mayor. She suggested that perhaps the mayor should be chosen by election, but then realized that was just foolish talk.
Constance was tending bar when the mysterious Judge X entered, searching for Will McGotnuthin. He explained that he was the tenth in a posse of the twelve toughest judges in the West, scouring the land to hunt down the country’s most notorious outlaws. Constance couldn’t believe that Will was a wanted man.
Roswell was singing “Rock-a-Bye Baby” to Brigham Young’s baby, which he had kidnapped in utero and given birth to himself. Brigham entered with a delivery of baby supplies from the general store. Since Brigham had lost the love of his life when he was forced to kill Red Clay, Brigham explained that he had nothing left to lose by joining Roswell. If joining the forces of evil was the price of being with his son, then so be it. Eagerly accepting his new ally, Roswell explained his latest evil plan…a new concept he called “traffic.”
Will McGotnuthin was teaching a French lesson when a mysterious heavenly music resounded through the room. Immediately afterwards, Jesus Christ entered. Not realizing the visitor’s identity, Will was initially hostile towards the stranger, but warmed up when Jesus spoke approvingly of the Montessori system. Will and Jesus came up with an idea of teaching lessons through metaphorical stories with animals. As an example, Jesus told a story involving a pair of bulls.
Judge X paid a visit to the mayor’s office, still searching for Will. Remembering the legend of the Twelve Judges, Jean was intimidated, but still told Judge X that he believed that Will was a changed man.
JUDGE X: “A horse doesn’t change its spots…unless you paint it.”
JEAN: “But zat is a horse of a different color.”
At high noon, a mysterious stranger arrived in Little One Point…a stranger wearing seatless pants, with the words “Love” and “Hate” tattooed on his cheeks.
Constance was napping in her room when Roswell Diabolicus entered and woke her up. Roswell explained that he needed her advice on taking care of the baby. He offered to return Constance’s reproductive system, since he was done with it now. However, since Constance had removed Roswell’s vagina (which he had switched with hers), she was now completely genital-free, and happy that way. She explained that it would be a lot easier for her to quit whoring now that she didn’t have a vagina. (Roswell’s response: “You’ve still got a mouth!”)
After launching Roswell’s evil “traffic” plan by filling the streets with carriages, holes, and metal plates, Brigham Young paid a visit to Red Clay’s campfire to mourn his loss. Jesus arrived (introducing himself as “Jessie Christianson”) and tried to make Brigham realize that he hadn’t yet lost EVERYTHING. Jesus told Brigham that he still had that joy deep inside his heart, but Brigham replied that he wanted to kill that joy, so it wouldn’t hurt him anymore. Jesus assured Brigham that he was still on the right path. Jesus touched Brigham’s forehead, and Brigham suddenly realized that he WASN’T supposed to go to Iowa (“NOBODY should go to Iowa!”).
Trying to figure out what to do about Trapper Jean’s seizing power, Madeline thought back over the town’s history. She realized that, if she could find the town charter, she’d learn how to take over the town herself and run it HER way…with lots of shops.
Trapper Jean was at the bar when the mysterious bare-assed stranger arrived. They shared a drink, and the stranger asked Jean if he was truly happy. Jean suddenly realized just how empty his life was. (“It is like you are reaching inside my brain and reading it like some kind of brain-book!”) The stranger explained that he had grown up in Little One Point, but it was even smaller then. At this point, Jean finally saw the stranger’s pantslessness and exclaimed “Jesus Christ!” Hearing his name, Jesus rushed in.
Will McGotnuthin was going over the lesson plans when Judge X entered. Judge X explained that he’d had a hard time finding him, thanks to Will’s clever disguise of changing the pronunciation (though not the spelling) of his name. Will recognized Judge X as the man who had sent Will’s sisters to jail. Will informed the judge that he had changed his ways and was on the straight and narrow. Judge X warned Will that he was watching and waiting for Will to make just one little misstep. Judge X “tested” Will by dropping a ten-dollar bill on the floor and waiting for him to steal it. When one of Will’s students picked it up instead, the judge whacked little Timmy with his gavel.
Roswell Diabolicus was doing some housework with Brigham’s baby when Jesus entered. Facing his arch-nemesis, Roswell bragged that neither Jesus nor his father had been able to stop his evil plans to date. Jesus told Roswell that there was still hope for him to find the path of righteousness. After all, if Roswell were truly as evil as he claimed, he would have simply smashed the baby’s skull. Roswell replied that he HAD tried that, but the baby was invulnerable. Roswell demonstrated with some wrestling moves.
TO BE CONTINUED…