Episode 27: Look! Up in the Sky!
Constance Snell turned the keys to Jed’s Saloon over to Red Clay, since she would be too busy with her new duties as mayor to run the bar. Red Clay apologized for stealing the bar away from her while he was in his guise as Titsy McJugpuddles. They had an awkward discussion about the attraction between Constance and “Titsy,” and now neither one of them was sure of their sexuality. On top of that, Red Clay informed Constance that he had gone to retrieve the treaty granting him ownership of Little One Point, but found a rude note in its place. He asked Constance to help him get the treaty back. Constance was uncertain until Red Clay made up her mind by shoving his breasts in her face.
Ass Masterson was teaching the class about the first man to climb Mt. Everest, although the lesson was disrupted by one kid’s protests about the teacher’s seatless pants. Suddenly, Will McGotnuthin returned, and the children were delighted to see their old teacher. Ass was equally overjoyed, because he’d fallen in love with Will during the McGotnuthin family’s rape & robbing spree. Will protested that the rape was just a standard part of the family’s MO, and that there wasn’t any emotional factor involved. Will then explained that they couldn’t have a future together because Will loved Ass’ sister Madeline. Ass agreed not to come between them, and took comfort in the fact that perhaps their relationship will answer his prayer to become an uncle.
At Castle Gayskull, Roswell Diabolicus was contemplating his evil plans. (“Now that there are only two episodes left, it’s time for me to actually start DOING something!”) With Trapper Jean at his side, Roswell addressed the people of Little One Point using a giant megaphone. He informed the populace that he had fired the Rhode Island Cannon into the air, and that if his demands weren’t met, the Rhode Island-sized cannonball would come straight down upon the town in one hour. When someone asked how he would stop the cannonball if his demands WERE met, Roswell irritably explained that he would fire the Slightly-Larger-Than-Rhode-Island cannonball to deflect the original shot. The evil duo then issued their terms: Constance must turn over the mayoral office to Trapper Jean, Jesus Christ must be handed over to Roswell, and the indestructible baby must be given to Jean.
Unaware of the evil goings-on, Jesus Christ and Brigham Young were organizing a bake sale. Brigham wondered whether he should get back in touch with his ex-lover Red Clay, and Jesus explained the “three days” rule of calling back. Jesus then lectured Brigham about his reckless handling of the baby (“He’s indestructible, but he still needs love!”). Suddenly, the Rhode Island cannonball blocked out the sun, and Jesus and Brigham speculated about the cause of the mysterious sudden darkness.
BRIGHAM: “There’s only one person who could do this…your brother.”
JESUS: “I have a brother?!”
Desperate to hang on to her power, Constance tried to swap clothes with Ass Masterson to fool Trapper Jean. Ass refused to participate in the foolish plan, and told Constance that if her office truly meant anything to her, she would do what was best for the town by surrendering her mayoral sash. (“This piece of paper isn’t your dream. Your dream is your dream. Dream it!”) Constance called out to Roswell that she was giving in to his demands, but she had one piece of legislation to enact before she leaves office. With that, she outlawed the Rhode Island Cannon. Roswell simply replied that now he wouldn’t be able to deflect the cannonball, but Ass protested that she HADN’T outlawed the Slightly-Larger-Than-Rhode-Island Cannon.
Despite the impending doom, Brigham Young took a nap with the baby in his arms. Trapper Jean sneaked in and stole the baby, leaving a bobcat in Brigham’s arms. Brigham woke up, but Jean started singing a lullaby to him. Brigham warned Jean that only death would keep him from hunting Jean down to reclaim his son. Then Brigham fell asleep.
JEAN: “Aw, look at him…so sweet…so innocent. If I was smart, I’d shoot him in the face right now. But I scored low on my SAT’s.”
Constance held a meeting with Will McGotnuthin and Ass Masterson, trying to figure out how to foil Roswell’s plans. She realized that the only skill she had to use against them was whoring.
WILL: “Are you suggesting you go up there and sex him into submission?”
Red Clay stopped by the general store to buy moccasins, and found Brigham Young working at his old job. Brigham explained that his baby was missing, and apologized for sleeping with so many women during their separation. Brigham and Red Clay sang a tender ballad of forgiveness, then resolved to work together to retrieve Brigham’s baby.
Jesus Christ went to Castle Gayskull to meet his long-lost brother. Roswell invited Jesus in, then strapped him down to the seat. Roswell explained his life story…15 years after Jesus’ birth, Mary had a second child with her husband Joseph. The sickly infant hermaphrodite had no way of living up to his messianic half-brother, and grew up unwanted and abandoned. However, the residual divine power in his DNA made him immortal and indestructible. Jealous of Jesus, Roswell disguised himself as a Roman soldier…yes, Roswell was the one who stabbed Jesus with a spear upon the cross. Over the centuries, Roswell tried to ruin Jesus’ reputation by committing evil in his name. The Crusades? Roswell’s idea. And now, the time had come for Roswell’s greatest plan. Roswell explained that Jesus bore the words “Love” and “Love” upon his buttocks, while Roswell’s read “Hate-Hate.” Now, centuries of cross-breeding have produced indestructible beings with “Love-Hate” on their asses…the half-good, half-evil super-babies who will form Roswell’s army. Jesus questioned the usefulness of an army of morally conflicted, neutral warriors, but Roswell explained that his influence will overcome their good side. Having heard enough of Roswell’s evil plans, Jesus burst free from his bonds…and was shot repeatedly by Trapper Jean.
JEAN: “Well, we’re goin’ to Hell NOW!”
Constance and Brigham met up on the way to Castle Gayskull, and they decided to launch their attacks together. When they arrived, Roswell showed them another element of his plan…he had once again stolen Constance’s original fantastic vagina, and was using it to produce baby after baby after baby. Roswell informed them that Brigham’s son was in the “child accelerator” in the other room, and would soon emerge, grown to adulthood in a matter of seconds. Suddenly, Jesus’ voice whispered to Brigham, instructing Brigham to place Jesus’ body in the accelerator and set it to age him three days. Constance strapped Roswell and Jean into their chairs, enabling Brigham to carry out Jesus’ plan. Jesus emerged from the accelerator more powerful than ever, then flew off into the sky and destroyed the Rhode Island Cannonball.
TO BE CONTINUED…