Episode 7: A Little One Point Thanksgiving
To take his mind off of Shirlene’s death, Sam the Horse was teaching Will McGotnuthin how to pitch horseshoes. Unfortunately, it didn’t work, and Sam soon started crying so hard that he threw up. Will explained that it’s natural to be attracted to the “bad girl” (or, in Shirlene’s case, the “bad girl/boy”); it’s all part of the evolutionary process. However, Sam had been too busy putting his shoes back on to listen to Will’s explanation.
Brigham Young arrived at the general store, where Roswell Diabolicus pointed out that Brigham hadn’t been in to work in 4 weeks. Brigham explained that, as manager, he’d given himself a good talking-to about his absenteeism. Roswell decided that maybe the position of manager had been too much for Brigham, and made him assistant manager instead.
ROSWELL: “You’ll have the same responsibilities, but less pay.”
BRIGHAM: “I like where this is going.”
Adding to their problems, the store’s entire stock of food had been eaten by the rats which Shirlene let loose before she died. Roswell and Brigham discussed the idea of getting more food by hunting animals. Brigham proposed that they kill and eat Will McGotnuthin instead. Roswell admired the viciousness of Brigham’s plan.
Traumatized by her imprisonment at Castle Gayskull, Constance Snell had started hearing voices and believed that Jesus spoke to her. Constance and Hop Hop decided to go hunting for food, with Hop Hop using his new invention, the Chicken-Scope (his chicken, Mr. Cluck-No-More, attached to a rifle barrel). Constance asked why they couldn’t just eat Mr. Cluck-No-More instead.
Madeline went out to the woods to talk to Red Clay about the food shortage. Red Clay was angry about the way the white man always comes to the Indian for help, only to repay them with beads and massacres. However, with his tribe all dead, the people of Little One Point were now the only family Red Clay had. Madeline convinced Red Clay to help them with a long, moving speech about the true nature of family (which somehow incorporated the word “uterus”).
Sam the Horse paid a visit to Roswell Diabolicus, berating Roswell for revealing the fact that Roswell had fathered everyone in town.
SAM: “How are we going to keep our evil circle from being broken when we keep divulging information we shouldn’t?”
And with that, Sam pulled off his mask, revealing the human being inside his “horse” persona!
Constance Snell and Hop Hop were out hunting when Sam (back in his horse disguise) passed by, talking about how full and fat he felt. Wondering where Sam had gotten food, Hop Hop pulled out a fortune cookie for advice. The starving Constance grabbed the cookie and wolfed it down, fortune and all. Hop Hop pondered how to retrieve the fortune.
CONSTANCE: “Honey, you gonna crack me open, you’re gonna have to pay for it.”
On his way to the school, Will McGotnuthin ran into Brigham Young. They pulled their weapons on each other and decided to resume their showdown, which had been interrupted by the dynamite blast a couple of weeks ago. To make the showdown more fair, Brigham gave Will one of his guns. They took three paces, turned and fired. Both men fell.
Sam was “helping” Red Clay find food in the woods, pointing out such delicacies as crabgrass. Suddenly, a sheep wandered into the area. Red Clay carefully stalked the sheep with his bow & arrow. After Red Clay wounded the sheep, both Sam and Red Clay wrestled it to the ground and broke off its head.
Madeline paid a visit to Roswell Diabolicus to see if his genius had come up with a way of providing food. Since she had learned that Roswell was her biological father, there was even more tension than usual between them. She brought the subject around to the famine, pointing out that even Roswell looked more gaunt than usual.
ROSWELL: “Yes, I’ve lost 13 pounds…reducing my weight to 13 pounds.”
Roswell asked her to call everyone in town to the giant table, but Madeline warned him that she hoped this wasn’t one of his evil plans. Enraged, Roswell started ranting about his daughter’s ingratitude. Madeline was thrilled, because a family argument was just what they needed to make this a REAL Thanksgiving.
Will McGotnuthin and Brigham Young both came to, trying to figure out who shot whom. Will had been wounded in the arm, and Brigham, clutching his chest, declared that Will’s bullet had passed through him in four places. As Brigham lay gravely wounded, God spoke and reassured Brigham that he would live. Brigham waited for God to add more to the message, but that was it.
All the townspeople (except for Will & Brigham) gathered around the communal table, preparing for the Thanksgiving dinner of lamb and corn. Everyone took turns saying what they were thankful for. Madeline gave thanks for fashion and forgiveness. Red Clay gave thanks to the Great Sheep Spirit for letting him kick its head off. Constance was thankful that the sheep’s head was gone so she didn’t have to look at it. Roswell gave thanks that “the icy grip of death hasn’t clutched us.” Roswell then announced that he had his own contribution to make to the feast. Suddenly, he snapped the neck of his monstrous bobcat Mr. Nosy and placed it on the table as “kitty stuffing.” Finally, Hop Hop gave thanks for Little One Point, the land of opportunity. They all started singing in celebration, when Will McGotnuthin burst in and announced that Brigham Young was dying in the street.
TO BE CONTINUED…