Episode 3: The Friar This Time
Gatormaid was walking through the forest when the enigmatic Friar Kack arrived. He explained that he had been sent by his order to contact their master, Schmegma the Dragon. At the mention of Schmegma’s name, Gatormaid got carried away with emotion as she spoke of her connection with the dragon. Friar Kack gave her some wine to calm her down…a lot of wine, actually.
King Plough was away from the kingdom (either visiting Queen Franklin of Atlantia, or recovering from injuries sustained during his date with Gatormaid, depending on whom you believe). In his absence, Magic Jones was in charge of Castle Post. The wizard discovered Kalgon dragging the king’s throne outside the castle. Kalgon explained that, as the newly-appointed Knight Butler, he was cleaning up the castle by holding a yard sale. Magic Jones expressed his disapproval, and the two of them engaged in a brief swordfight.
Baron Üterrüs came to redecorate Tarquin’s treehouse. Tarquin received him as hospitably as possible, despite the fact that Tarquin was coming down with the Black Plague. The Baron examined Tarquin and informed him that he was ill because Francis was cursed to see his friends die around him; Tarquin was suffering from a second-hand curse. Tarquin urged the Baron to help him lift the curse, but Üterrüs replied that he was only hired as a decorator, not as a sorceror. When Tarquin learned that Kalgon was in Üterrüs’ debt for his services, Tarquin resolved to indebt himself to Kalgon.
In boulder form, Francis of the Rock People rolled up to Chambliss Tucker’s Lincoln Navigator. He told her about Tarquin’s illness, and she searched through the immense car until she found her first-aid kit. They sang a happy little jingle about first aid.
Friar Kack visited Kalgon’s yard sale in search of information. Kalgon informed Kack that Schegma had been slain by a woman from another age. Stunned by this revelation, Kack announced that his brethren would soon arrive for vengeance.
Running to spread the warning about the invading monks, Magic Jones ran into Francis. Discovering that Francis’ presence made him sneeze, Jones offered to prepare a salve (pronounced “saaaaaaalve”) to alleviate the curse. Then Jones remembered what he was doing, and warned Francis about the friars. After a very confused conversation, Magic suggested that Francis use his boulder form to roll over the friars when they arrive.
Chambliss Tucker arrived at the castle just as Kalgon was shutting down the yard sale. Kalgon insisted that the sale was over, but she finally pressured him into selling King Plough’s throne. When Kalgon quoted her a price of 10,000 gold pieces, she offered him some “treasures” from her era instead (baby powder, an asthma inhaler, etc.). When Kalgon learned that she had been sent by Baron Üterrüs, he offered to sell her the King’s sword cheap, and throw in the throne for free.
Having been told to kill the friars, Francis consulted Baron Üterrüs for advice on how to kill. The Baron noticed the emerald embedded in Francis’ fist, and they discussed the curse. Üterrüs agreed to help Francis, since Francis had done him a favor. Francis didn’t remember helping the Baron, so the Baron reminded him that two months ago, Francis was tunneling through the earth and came across a large rune-covered box, slightly larger than the Baron himself. Francis smashed through the box and went on his way, and now Üterrüs owed Francis a debt. To repay him, the Baron told Francis that he could remove the gem and lift the curse by sacrificing a life.
Gatormaid and Tarquin were preparing for the friars’ arrival and discussing Francis’ curse. Tarquin believed that the emerald could only be removed by the Queen of England, but that was probably just the plague talking.
Magic Jones met Friar Kack, informing the monk that he knew about Kack’s quest for vengeance. Jones warned the friar that he wouldn’t let Kack harm Chambliss Tucker (inadvertently revealing to Kack just who his target was). They engaged in a battle of magic, with Jones casting a spell of brain-freeze upon Kack, while Kack cast a spell of incontinence upon Jones. They realized that they were at a stand-off, so Jones made an insincere offer to lead Kack to Chambliss.
Chambliss Tucker brought King Plough’s sword to Linens Und Thïngs, where Baron Üterrüs collapsed at the sight of it. He urged her to take the sword far away, explaining that it was his weakness. Chambliss compared it to her weakness for Butterfingers, and how she faced her weakness and built up her willpower by holding the candy bar and resisting its power. She handed the sword to Üterrüs.
ÜTERRÜS: “IT BURNS! It Burns!…But now it burns a little less.”
Tarquin and Gatormaid ran into Kalgon, who was carrying his profits from the yard sale. He showed them the money that he had earned “legitimately,” and offered to share it with them. Tarquin told Kalgon that he was dying of the plague, and that his dying wish was for them to use the emerald’s power to protect the forest and undo its destruction. Kalgon realized that the emerald only had enough power to restore either the forest or Gatormaid, but not both.
Magic Jones led Friar Kack to the forest, where Francis was pretending to be Chambliss. Kack saw the enchanted emerald on Francis’ fist, and dropped to his knees in fealty. Francis dropped the ruse, since it hadn’t worked anyway. Friar Kack explained that, as Francis bore the Eye of Püff DeMagik, the dragon, Kack’s order owed Francis their obedience. Francis ordered Kack not to seek vengeance against Chambliss. Kack was torn between the two imperatives, but agreed to do as Francis said. Francis realized that, unlike Baron Üterrüs, Friar Kack had great goodness and honor in him, and that the friar could lift the curse without a blood sacrifice. Friar Kack removed the gem from Francis’ hand, freeing him from the curse. The monk told Francis that he could call on Kack’s brethren anytime by uttering the mystic phrase “Get on down here now!”
Resisting the pain of holding the sword, Baron Üterrüs plotted to summon a demon to restore his undead soul, which was stolen when the sword pierced his nether regions so many centuries ago.
TO BE CONTINUED…