Episode 13: Sockdologizing Old Mantrap
Will McGotnuthin pled with Hop Hop to give him back his teaching position. Hop Hop agreed, even though Will had never actually LOST his job.
HOP HOP: “I don’t remember firing you…I remember kicking your ass!”
WILL: “I interpreted that as firing.”
Now that that was cleared up, Hop Hop asked Will to star in Hop Hop’s new play, “Our Chinese Cousin,” the story of an emperor who changes places with his identical cousin in order to experience common life. As soon as Hop Hop offered him the part, Will had a flashback to his days with his sisters’ criminal Shakespeare troupe.
In the jail, Red Clay gave Brigham Young some flowers he’d picked through the window. Brigham was torn with guilt over the plagues God was sending over their forbidden love, but Red Clay didn’t care. They decided to escape and leave Little One Point together.
Since Fantastic Sam’s barbershop burned down, Constance came to Sam’s house to trim her braid. Afterwards, Constance remarked that she couldn’t pay him with money. Sam wasn’t concerned, since he’d gotten $61 from his insurance. Constance explained that she’d been offering to pay him another way, reminding him of their times together when she thought he was a horse.
Abraham Lincoln visited Roswell Diabolicus, explaining that he’d had to drop Sam’s lawsuit against Roswell when he learned that Sam was lying about being a horse. However, Lincoln was bringing a new case against him on general principles (not to mention the fact that Roswell abandoned Lincoln after fathering him).
Sheriff Madeline Clementine was strolling along when Hop Hop arrived and offered her a part in “Our Chinese Cousin.” She would be playing the palace courtesan who finds true love with the substitute emperor. Madeline was intrigued with the idea of playing someone so unlike herself, and started improvising some dialogue. The rehearsal was overheard by a mysterious stranger, who introduced himself as the French fur trapper Trapper Jean.
Having snuck out of his cell once again, Brigham Young visited Will McGotnuthin at the general store. Brigham asked Will to help break Red Clay out of jail too, but Will was upset that Brigham didn’t follow through with taking revenge on Roswell Diabolicus after last week’s jailbreak. Brigham promised Will that if he helped Red Clay escape, the two of them would leave Little One Point and never return. Will accepted the offer.
Fantastic Sam was strolling down 2nd Avenue, reveling in his new wealth and pimpin’ threads. Sam explained to a puzzled Abraham Lincoln that he’d found a loophole in the law, and was insuring things that weren’t even his. Deeply disappointed by his former client’s behavior, Lincoln told Sam that they couldn’t be friends anymore. Lincoln then served Sam with a subpoena for insurance fraud.
Constance was tending bar when Trapper Jean entered. She poured him a drink of her new invention, Constance Cola. Jean was impressed (“Zut alors! Zat is, how you say, tasty fucking beverage!”), but could see that she was troubled. Constance explained that she wrote to her family to share the good news of her success, but they wrote back calling her a whore. Jean sympathized with her plight.
TRAPPER JEAN: “Ah, ma cherie…if ravens had not eaten my tear ducts, I would cry.”
Hop Hop paid a visit to Roswell Diabolicus, inviting him to produce the play. Roswell agreed, if Hop Hop would help him with a project of his own. Roswell explained that the plagues were God’s punishment on homosexuality, and he’d devised a plan to put all the gays in one place so the rest of the town would be safe. Showing Hop Hop a map, Roswell pointed out an area shaped like a buck’s head, and proposed sending all the gays there. Hop Hop suggested they instead put all the gays in the middle of the city…mid-town, as it were.
Madeline visited Red Clay’s cell to see whether Red Clay was willing to leave Brigham to her in exchange for his freedom. Before Red Clay could answer, Brigham snuck back into his cell and found himself face to face with Madeline. Madeline pled with Brigham to take things back to the way they were before Brigham left her for Red Clay. However, Brigham stood by his love for Red Clay. Heartbroken, Madeline opened their cells and told the two of them to leave.
Fantastic Sam and Constance were rehearsing a scene from “Our Chinese Cousin,” with Hop Hop directing and Lincoln watching from a balcony seat. Lincoln kept disrupting the rehearsal with his constant side-coaching, until Hop Hop yelled at him to leave the directing to him. As Sam and Constance rehearsed their scene, Trapper Jean quietly snuck up behind Lincoln and shot him in the head. As everyone reacted in shock, the assassin revealed his full name…Trapper Jean Wilkes Booth!
TO BE CONTINUED…