Episode 26: The Wedding Package
Brigham Young and Titsy McJugpuddles were opening the presents at their wedding shower. As his present, Jesus Christ used his brand-new magic lasso (part of the new powers he’d gained when he came back at Easter) to make them reveal their true feelings for each other.
TITSY: “Well, I don’t really know you that well, but you seem kind of sweet, and you give me nice things.”
BRIGHAM: “It IS love!”
Brigham then gave Titsy a gaudily-jeweled broach. Under the lasso’s power, Titsy confessed that she didn’t like the broach, but accepted it as a symbol of Brigham’s love.
Roswell Diabolicus was doing inventory at the general store when the newly-elected Mayor Constance Snell arrived with a proposal. Since Roswell is such a brilliant scientist, she wanted him to be the town’s doctor. When Roswell expressed uncertainty, Constance clarified that it wasn’t an offer, but an order. She informed Roswell that if he refused, she would run him out of town, take over Castle Gayskull, and redecorate.
Ass Masterson and Trapper Jean threw a bachelor party for Brigham Young. Titsy, being the only exotic dancer in town, was the entertainment, but Brigham couldn’t watch because it’s bad luck to see the bride before the wedding. Brigham told Titsy that he didn’t want her to dance for other men anymore. She agreed to let Brigham be her sole customer.
BRIGHAM: “From now on, you’ll only take off your clothes for me…and maybe the neighbors if we’re feeling kinky.”
Madeline Clementine was sitting by the campfire, lamenting her fate of being “always a bridesmaid, never a bride.” Jesus Christ came by, pushing his invisible stagecoach (another of his new gifts). Jesus healed her wounded foot (where she had been shot by Roswell Diabolicus), but explained that she had to heal her emotional wounds herself. Jesus assured her that Will would come to his senses, escape his sisters’ evil clutches, and return to her. Madeline decided that she couldn’t wait that long, and resolved to find Will and shake some wise-up into him.
Constance and Madeline threw a bachelorette party for Titsy, with Madeline’s brother Ass Masterson working as the stripper. As Ass did a lap-dance for Titsy, Constance protested about the lewdness. Madeline told the mayor that she was off the clock and needed to loosen up. They sat Constance down so Ass could give her a lap-dance.
The next day, the big moment arrived. The wedding began, with Jesus Christ performing the ceremony. When Jesus asked “If anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace,” the bride surprised everybody by raising her hand. Titsy explained that she and Brigham were, in fact, already married. With that, Titsy removed her wig and revealed her true identity…Brigham’s long-believed-dead gay lover Red Clay!
Later, Red Clay sat by the campfire to commune with his ancestral spirits. He had abandoned his disguise and returned to his traditional Chipapoo garb (though he still had the enormous breasts). Red Clay explained that, when he was shot, he didn’t die, but went into a coma. He woke up shortly afterwards and devised a new plan to get his people’s land back. He went to New York, where he perfected his disguise by studying diction, dance, and acting (also landing a part in “The Fantasticks”). He then went to Amsterdam to get his new boobs, but had now returned to reclaim Little One Point.
Trapper Jean was handing over the mayor’s office to Constance, showing her where everything was (including the secret stash of booze). Constance thanked Jean, and offered him a job repairing the wagon-wheel ruts in the road. Jean warned her that being mayor is a difficult job, and that she’d have to tell people things they don’t want to hear. As an example, they decided to enact prohibition, starting with their own secret stash. They drank a toast to prohibition…or, rather, Jean drank while Constance watched. Jean started feeling dizzy, then collapsed into a chair. He realized that Constance had found the stash already and drugged it. Constance took Jean’s gun and ordered him to be her little French slave.
Brigham Young and Madeline Clementine were discussing Red Clay’s unexpected return. Even though Brigham had shattered Madeline’s heart into millions of pieces (“a fine powder of heart”), she still sympathized with his dilemma. Brigham confessed that Red Clay’s return had filled him with doubt about his mission. Madeline pointed out that his mission had brought him great wisdom, pointing out how dumb Brigham used to be.
BRIGHAM: “I was dumb…like poop in a bucket.”
MADELINE: “Exactly! You were so dumb, you used to say things like that!”
Madeline sang a song of encouragement to Brigham, and he joined in.
Ass Masterson delivered a package to Castle Gayskull. Roswell informed Ass that the package pertained to him. After explaining that both Ass and the baby owed their invulnerability to their relation to Jesus Christ through Roswell (who, you may remember, was recently revealed to be Jesus’ brother). Roswell showed Ass the contents of the package…a letter revealing the existence of Ass’ long-lost twin brother, a cowboy who wears his pants with the front cut out…Sack Masterson!
In Will’s absence, Jesus was teaching the children from the Book of Knowledge. Red Clay entered, and Jesus explained to the children how the white man had mistreated Red Clay’s people. Red Clay was touched by Jesus’ knowledge and sympathy. After Jesus dismissed the class, Red Clay explained that he needed to get his people’s land back, but knew no other path than that of bloodshed. Jesus suggested that Red Clay could turn the land into an outdoor theater to re-enact the history of the Chipapoo tribe, using poorly-paid white actors…the perfect way of educating the white man AND getting revenge on them at the same time!
TO BE CONTINUED…