Episode 11: The Justal System
Constance was in jail for shooting Kitty Bumper (which she did between episodes). When Hop Hop came in to bring holiday greetings to the prisoners, Constance asked him to help her get Abraham Lincoln as her lawyer (even though he was a witness to the shooting). Hop Hop told her he’d see what he could do, then gave her a Christmas gift: a lady’s flask full of liquor.
Sheriff Madeline Clementine was doing her holiday shopping at the general store when she ran into Red Clay. Red Clay explained that he was trying the white man tradition of buying gifts for his special someone, Brigham Young…who used to be Madeline’s special someone. Red Clay explained that it was the will of his ancestors to “let love of Brigham Young blossom.” Madeline argued that they could have meant Brigham’s love for her. She apologized for her father stealing his people’s land, but pointed out that now Red Clay had stolen her last chance for happiness.
Abraham Lincoln and Fantastic Sam were drinking at the bar. When Lincoln asked Sam about his new bipedal stance, Sam explained that he was never really a horse, but had just been in disguise. Lincoln informed Sam that he couldn’t continue the case because Sam had lied to him. Sam understood that, and was prepared to face the consequences of his deception. In admiration of Sam’s courage, Lincoln took the case again.
Brigham Young was out skipping stones when the spirit of Jabby Butts appeared, sent by God to clarify Brigham’s mission. God’s message wasn’t “Mormon,” but “More Man”…Brigham’s mission was to lead the Mormons by procreating, producing more men.
BRIGHAM: “I wake up thinking ‘more man,’ too, but that’s just the relationship I’m in.”
Jabby explained that Brigham couldn’t reproduce with another man, but must use the sacred vessel of a woman’s womb. (Jabby’s vocabulary had improved since he went to Heaven.)
Going around singing carols, Hop Hop visited Red Clay’s campfire. They discussed Red Clay’s change of wardrobe (abandoning white man pants and wearing only his Chipapoo loincloth), then started talking about the white man’s holiday traditions. Red Clay showed Hop Hop the Christmas stocking he had bought for Brigham, tied around Red Clay’s waist and hanging over his Johnson.
The spirit of Jabby Butts appeared to Constance Snell in her cell, explaining that he had come to save her from a life of sin. However, since prostitution had brought her friends and a good livelihood, and her “clean-living” past only brought her misery, he didn’t have much luck convincing her.
Fantastic Sam paid a visit to Madeline for assistance in his legal battle against Roswell Diabolicus, since he’d found Lincoln to be indecisive and inarticulate. Sam tried to win her over by bringing gifts based on her offhand remarks, though he stopped short when she called him “a diamond in the rough.”
Brigham Young explained his dilemma to Lincoln: “Apparently, I have to choose between the man that I love and the God that I obey. And whether I wear pants or not.” After some discussion, Brigham chose Red Clay and no pants.
As Madeline slept, the spirit of Jabby Butts visited her in the form of her father’s horse, Colta. Jabby/Colta informed her that she would play a vital part in the future of the nation…she must arrest Red Clay so that Brigham can fulfill his destiny. Jabby/Colta upped the pressure on Madeline by telling her it was her father’s last wish.
Red Clay was dancing around the campfire when his ancestors spoke to him. Red Clay explained that he was torn between the life of a warrior and his un-warrior-like love of a man. The one ancestor who knew this conflict urged him to follow the path that brings him happiness.
As Hop Hop and Fantastic Sam practiced Christmas carols, Hop Hop asked Sam if he’d had any religion when he was a horse. Sam explained that he had enough trouble understanding mankind to deal with the concept of a higher power. Sam also confided that he had great fear and anxiety about mortality…not so much in his own death, but in being left behind by others.
HOP HOP: “You were wise as a horse, but were never wiser than you are now as a man.”
Abraham Lincoln visited Constance Snell in the jail. Although the door was open, Constance remained in her cell, obsessively washing the gunpowder from her hands. Lincoln explained that she was a prisoner of her own heart, then asked her “Is what you’ve done truly wrong under the Constitution and the US justal system?” After much deliberation, Constance decided that her actions were justified. Lincoln declared her to be free.
Red Clay was talking to the Great Cactus Spirit when Brigham Young arrived…wearing no shirt under his vest and no pants under his chaps. Red Clay gave Brigham his stocking, and Brigham gave Red Clay a new hand-carved kazoo to replace the one which represented Chipapoo strife. God spoke out and announced that He was so disappointed with Brigham that He was closing His doors to him. As Brigham pondered what this meant, the mood was quickly brightened up by the arrival of the caroling townspeople. Everybody in Little One Point was united in holiday cheer and brotherhood. Then Madeline arrested both Brigham and Red Clay for public indecency.
TO BE CONTINUED…