Episode 9: Brain Damage, Drug Addiction, Amputations, and Fratboys
In her office, Bixie Biederback was talking to the celebrated sex-symbol carpenter Ty Buildington, host of “Your House Is Way Too Ugly.” When he informed her that the Scandal House had to be retrofitted to be handicapped-accessible, she protested that none of the housemates needed that. Ty replied that none were disabled YET; he’d checked the contestants’ medical records, and one of them had a severe case of diabetes from the knees down, and would require immediate amputation…which Ty would perform himself.
In the basement, Lance Belligui tried to talk to the brain-damaged Eric von Landingham, trying in vain to get a response from him. In despair, Lance broke into song about Eric’s helplessness, prompting Eric to join in.
Poncey Highland was surprised by a visit from his life-partner Blaine, who (amazingly) was even more stereotypically gay than Poncey. As they conversed, Poncey realized that Blaine was high on ecstasy. Blaine confessed that he had sold their pet-grooming salon, Happy Waggin’s, for drug money. When Poncey protested that the salon was his dream, Blaine replied that he could have a dream every time he goes to sleep.
Lance Belligui went up to the roof and was surprised to see ex-Braves pitcher Keith Hernandez doing some stretching exercises. Hernandez explained that he’d run away from his own reality show, “The Player.” Lance warned him that there’s no escape from reality TV, and he knew because his family was being held hostage by Jack Hanna. Keith offered to help Lance if Lance would help him.
In the hot tub, Ty Buildington was helping Eric with his physical therapy. Thanks to his years of working with mentally-challenged children, Ty was about to understand Eric’s groans and howls; Eric was telling him that he was simply looking for love. Ty broke into a song about Eric’s need for affection, and Eric joined in.
Poncey went to Bixie’s office to inform her that his partner Blaine had crashed the house while high on drugs. Since this was a clear violation of the rules, he needed her help to hide Blaine from the producers. Bixie remarked that she had a brother named Blaine, but it must be just a coincidence since her brother isn’t gay. She agreed to help Poncey, if he’d help her hook up with Keith Hernandez by “accidentally” locking them together in the basement.
Keith and Blaine were sitting on opposite sides of the roof, crying hysterically until they finally noticed each other. As Keith introduced himself, Blaine began flirtatiously dancing around him.
In the game room, Ty Buildington informed Poncey that he’d looked at the housemates’ confidential medical records (“I’m not just a carpenter, I’m a snoop”). Ty explained that one of the others would have to have their legs amputated…and this person was someone whose whole life was based on being active and physical. Poncey guessed that he was talking about Lance.
Blaine found Eric sprawled over the bar (prominently displaying his crotch); finding the pose tempting, Blaine broke into song. Eric joined in, just as Poncey walked in and found them in a compromising position.
Bixie called Lance into her office to tell him some confidential news. (“Are you coming on to me?”) She reminded Lance about the medical exams and all the invasive tests they performed. (“Are you coming on to me?”) Finally, she came right out and told him his legs would have to be amputated. (“You’re totally coming on to me.”)
On the porch, Poncey as trying to teach sign language to Eric; Eric responded by peeing on the floor, then bending down to lap it up. Poncey attempted to break into song, despite his disgust. Poncey contemplated putting Eric out of his misery.
Ty Buildington and Keith Hernandez ran into each other in the backyard. Ty blamed Keith for putting him in a wheelchair, and we saw a flashback to the time when Keith was too high to hold a ladder steady for Ty. Ty informed Keith that he was going to amputate Lance’s legs, having seen his medical records in file #383111. That number sounded familiar to Keith…it was the same number inscribed on his glove. (“That can’t be a coincidence.”)
Bixie ran into Blaine, and was surprised to discover that it was indeed her brother. He explained that he gayed up since the last time he saw her; he gave up on the family after they gave up on him. She informed him that their mother died of a broken heart while waiting for him to visit on Christmas day. Depressed, he wished he could have been there. She offered to help him with his drug habit, explaining that she’d given up ecstasy herself a few months ago.
Lance was in the confession booth, trying to come to terms with his impending amputation. Deciding to go ahead and get it over with, he rushed to the infirmary, where he ran into Keith Hernandez. Keith explained that there had been a mistake: Keith himself was file #383111, the same as his team number. (“I had the biggest jersey in the big leagues.”) Realizing that it was Keith who was going to lose his legs, Lance offered him a gift as a show of sympathy and solidarity. Peeling off his mustache, Lance explained that it had been passed down by his father, who kept it safe Pulp Fiction-style while he was a POW in Vietnam.
Blaine and Poncey were in the hot tub, discussing the incident between Blaine and Eric. As they talked, Eric popped up from underneath the water, then went down again. Poncey attempted to confront Blaine about his blatant infidelity; he began by reminiscing about their first meeting when Poncey was a fresh-faced college student at Georgia Tech. As soon as he mentioned pledging Teek, the fratboys in the audience (from a rival fraternity) created such an uproar that the scene stopped in its tracks.
TO BE CONTINUED…