Episode 8: I Fear for My Safety
Having killed Nurse Vanessa Goodhead (who’d been disguised as Rosie Jay) with an injection of Haitian zombie-serum, Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud held a press conference to assure the public that “Rosie” was doing fine. Sturgis also promised that he himself would save the terminally ill child who had just arrived at the hospital.
Meanwhile, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler was admitting that patient, little Sammy Swanson. Sammy explained that he was suffering from the terminal speech imediment Steve Scarborough Syndrome (“the first symptom is that you can’t say it”).
In the bar, Father Bob Houdini was drinking himself into a stupor with grief over the deaths of Johnnie Cochran and Mitch Hedberg…oh yeah, and the impending death of the Pope. (Note: This episode was improvised before the Pope’s passing…not that that’s going to save us from going to Hell.)
Rosie Jay, disguised as Vanessa, stood beside the flatlining body of the real Vanessa. She thanked Vanessa for her sacrifice and for the opportunity to start a new life with Vanessa’s identity. The body began moving, and Rosie/Vanessa struggled to keep it down.
Sammy Swanson explained to Yummy that his parents had used his Make-a-Wish Foundation wish to take a Disneyland vacation for themselves, so he asked if she could grant his wish to ride a horse with Michael Jordan on the moon. The outlandishness of this request caused the overworked and overstressed Yummy to snap, and she lashed out with savage fury.
In the Little Varsity Jr., Barney Kabob was trying to get Father Bob to eat. Father Bob lamented that John Paul II was the greatest Pope ever…in fact, he had superhuman powers. Barney said that it didn’t concern him, since he wasn’t Catholic. Bob pointed out that Barney had converted to Catholicism in prison, as revealed in the previous episode in a scene that was cut from the synopsis for space reasons.
“Vanessa” loaded “Rosie’s” body into the ambulance when Sturgis came in to sneak a joint. “Vanessa” informed him that she knew all about his cover-up of “Rosie’s” death, and had informed the press all about it. Sturgis smugly asked what proof she had, and she pointed to the body in the back.
Corky was still waiting for guidance in the chapel when Sammy Swanson ran in, fearing for his safety from Yummy’s rampage. Corky did a quick examination of Sammy, and assured him that he wouldn’t have to worry about his terminal speech impediment…the previously-undiagnosed brain tumor would kill him before then.
Meanwhile, Yummy was self-medicating in the supply closet. After she passed out, the drunken Father Bob staggered in and noticed her sprawled across the table. (“Well, Merry Christmas to me!”)
Rosie/“Vanessa” was in the real Vanessa’s apartment (with the body hidden under the couch) when Barney arrived. After sharing a drink, Barney informed her that he knew she was really Rosie Jay, then kissed her passionately. They decided to go off and start a new life together, then broke into a song and dance.
In the examination room, Sturgis St. Cloud made Sammy take off his shorts, then examined his throat. Sturgis informed Sammy that, despite all his failings as a doctor, the one thing he IS good at is treating speech impediments. Sturgis proclaimed that he could save Sammy with a uvula transplant…all he needs is to find a donor body.
The post-coital Rosie and Barney were basking in the rain on the rooftop and planning their future together. Barney confessed that he was having second thoughts, since he’d just started a new life as a doctor, and was hesitant to give that up to start yet another new life. When she replied that she couldn’t accept him if he wasn’t willing to make the same sacrifices she was, he got down on one knee, took off his shades for the first time, and asked her to marry him. She accepted.
Yummy Wampler regained consciousness just as Father Bob returned. Yummy was amazed to realize that she felt better than she had in years…all of her old ailments had cleared up. Father Bob realized that his penis had miraculous healing powers, and envisioned himself being declared a saint and having his penis preserved as a holy relic after his death.
Having followed the scent of “Rosie’s” body, Sturgis picked the lock to Vanessa’s apartment, followed by Sammy. After finding the body, Sturgis performed the uvula transplant right there with samurai-like skill. After the operation, Sammy spoke clearly (albeit with a high-pitched voice).
Corky was at the triage station when Yummy came in with a new spring in her step. Seeing a possible cure for Sammy’s brain tumor, Corky asked how she’d managed to clear up all her ailments. She cheerfully replied that Father Bob raped her.
In the chapel, Father Bob thanked God for the blessing of his miraculous powers. Corky arrived and asked Father Bob to cure Sammy with his “magic ding-dong.”
In the nurses’ lounge, Yummy was telling “Vanessa” how the day had been going (“We’ve had three deaths, two births, and then two more deaths”). “Vanessa” informed her about Barney’s proposal, and asked her to be her maid of honor. Just then, Father Bob entered, zipping up his pants and announcing that he’d revived those two women who died in childbirth.
As Sammy demonstrated his new voice to Corky, Corky examined him and remarked that somebody had replaced his uvula with a vulva. Corky then asked him if he was willing to endure something that would hurt in the short term, but would turn out for the good. Sammy didn’t understand, but agreed. Corky gave Sammy a drink, and Sammy immediately passed out. Corky left Sammy alone with Father Bob to work his magic, but Bob drunkenly passed out before he could do so. Sturgis St. Cloud entered to sneak a joint.
TO BE CONTINUED…