Episode 9: Circus of Horrors
Rosie Jay (still masquerading as the late Vanessa Goodhead) and Barney Kabob were in the ambulance, driving to pick out engagement rings and discussing their future together. Rosie envisioned raising three kids, and Barney suggested that they get a dog instead. Eventually, they settled on a compromise: one large dog or two small ones for each child they have. Suddenly, an emergency call came over the radio announcing that a circus train had derailed.
The young patient Sammy Swanson, having suffered a relapse of his terminal speech impediment, was sitting in his hospital room when baseball legend Two-Shoes Blair entered. Two-Shoes explained that he’d come to the hospital to brighten up Sammy’s dying days. He presented Sammy with a dog (whom Sammy named Scrapples) and a jock-cup, then explained that Sammy could summon him at any time by rubbing the cup.
Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud and Dr. Corky Howser were playing pool in the hospital’s bar, The Rusty Scalpel. Sturgis apologized for overworking Corky, explaining that he was just trying motivate Corky into the best retarded doctor he could be. He offered to be Corky’s father figure, then gave him some papers to sign (or at least mark) making it official. Suddenly, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler rushed in with news of the circus train crash.
Father Bob, who had let his newly-discovered healing powers go to his head and had taken to wearing a white robe, was admitting an injured elephant at the triage station. Attorney Wince Medler entered and offered to get the elephant a huge pain-and-suffering settlement. Father Bob explained that there would be no pain and suffering to repay after he uses his magic dick to heal all the injured people and animals. Medler countered that suing, not healing, is what brings in the money.
While treating an injured monkey, Corky explained to Rosie/“Vanessa” that he’d come to realize that he truly loved Rosie, and since she was dead now, she’d never know how he really felt. “Vanessa” assured him that Rosie was hearing every word he said. Corky said that, as a man of science (or at least a retarded teen of science), he couldn’t believe that. He lamented that he would never know love again.
While operating on an injured clown, Barney Kabob confided to Yummy Wampler that he was nervous about his upcoming wedding. Yummy warned him that wedding jitters could have disastrous consequences…and could even lead to death. Barney frantically asked her what she meant by that, but she couldn’t bring herself to tell him.
Sammy Swanson and Two-Shoes Blair ran into Wince Medler, who warned Sammy not to put his faith in “Steroid” Blair. As Two-Shoes professed his innocence, Sturgis came by and handed him his steroid prescription. Disillusioned, Sammy ran off in tears. When Two-Shoes threatened Wince for exposing him, Wince explained that he could offer him a new undetectable steroid that could land him a slot on the National Nationals.
Up on the roof, Sammy was contemplating his lost innocence when Sturgis St. Cloud walked up. Sturgis explained that, since his attempt to save Sammy’s life had failed, he would now help Sammy pack as much living as possible into his last days. In other words: PARTY!!!!
A panicked Yummy ran through the halls, shouting that the circus’ lions and stilt-walkers had escaped. Rosie grabbed a stun-gun from the supply closet and prepared to patrol the hospital. Corky entered, and the startled Rosie immediately stunned him.
Barney Kabob and Father Bob had barricaded themselves in the Little Varsity Jr., trying to hold the lions at bay. Father Bob announced that he would go out and face the lions like the Christians of old, with faith that his holy powers would protect him. Immediately after he left, horrible screams filled the air, and Bob’s robe and collar came flying through the door.
In the pediatric wing, Wince Medler and Two-Shoes Blair comforted the children by singing a song about the subjects they knew best: drugs and hookers.
Sturgis took Sammy on a double-date with a couple of girls they had rescued from the animals. Sturgis tried to hit his date up for some gratitude sex, but they were more interested in watching “The Iron Giant” with Sammy.
As Yummy treated his stun-gun injury, Corky informed her that Sturgis had drawn up some adoption papers for him earlier…and since the leadership of the hospital had been passed down through the St. Cloud family for generations, that meant that he could now wrest control from Sturgis. Yummy was thrilled by this news, until Corky informed her that he’d have her working harder and longer shifts than ever before, since she’d been part of the system that exploited his Down’s Syndrome and only paid him in apple slices and Tortino’s pizza rolls.
Rosie and Barney were patrolling the hospital, stunning animals left and right. Barney told her that the danger had made him realize how much he wanted her in his life, and erased the doubts he was having about marriage.
After a montage of partying, Sammy thanked Sturgis for showing him such a good time in his last days. Sturgis comforted Sammy by comparing death to the ending of “The Iron Giant,” explaining that his soul would explode into a million pieces then draw itself back together.
Afterwards, Sturgis told Corky how good he felt about finally doing something good for a patient. Corky complimented him on developing a bedside manner, than handed him his pink slip. Sturgis agreed to clean out his desk, but warned Corky that he’d regret this.
With Corky gone mad with power, Yummy consulted Wince Medler to see if he could break the contract. Medler agreed to help her if she’d serve as his maid for two weeks.
Sammy was searching for his dog Scrapples when a giant circus crocodile suddenly appeared and ate Scrapples. Terrified, Sammy rubbed the magic jock-cup, and Two-Shoes Blair rushed in to the rescue, killing the crocodile by jamming a baseball down its throat after an intense battle. Sammy thanked Two-Shoes for restoring his faith in him, and Two-Shoes promised to hit two home runs in his next game…one for Sammy, and one for Scrapples.
TO BE CONTINUED…