Episode 2: The Riot Act
Corrections Officer Hoss Hardacre had switched uniforms with inmate Dexter Dewey so that Dewey could take the SAT test for him, and was now offering some tips to Dewey on how to act like a guard. When Dewey attempted an intimidating shout, his teeth flew out of his mouth.
Bruce Brüce met Linda Strunck, the visiting substitute warden on loan from Sue Helmsly Women’s Penitentiary (where Bruce had once been an inmate due to a paperwork error). Bruce informed her that, while she may be the acting warden, he was the one who really ran the place.
In the exercise yard, psychotic clown Wayne Bo Casey lamented to Raymond Milk that he might have to cancel the annual riot, since nobody had answered his e-vites. Wayne was so stressed that his multi-colored hair was starting to fall out. Raymond calmed him down by offering him a bag of pre-packaged meatballs.
Linda Strunck was settling into the warden’s office when Dexter Dewey (impersonating Hoss) entered. After the introductions, “Hoss” told her that he was the one who ran the place. He warned her that the inmate “Dexter Dewey” was a troublemaker who should be transferred or electrocuted at the first opportunity.
Arman Redder stopped by Rusty Trombonz’ cell to recruit the elderly prisoner for his Aryan brotherhood, explaining that the group offered such activities as playing the recorder and rewriting the Bible. Rusty replied that he hadn’t served in the Great War so that the country could come to this, then explained in song how he lost his ass in combat. Arman broke into a song of his own explaining his desire to purify the country, or at least get a woman.
Bruce and Hoss Hardacre (disguised as Dewey) were in the laundry room discussing the special birthday present Bruce had arranged for Hoss’ wife: Death. Bruce reassured Hoss that everything had been arranged and that somebody on the outside was on their way to kill her that night. Shocked and horrified, Hoss explained that he’d been talking about “Death,” the new fragrance from Calvin Klein.
Wayne Bo Casey called a staff meeting/pep talk for all the prisoners, going over the plans for this year’s riot. They agreed that Wayne would signal the start of the riot by setting the new warden on fire.
Hoss pleaded with Dewey to switch places again so that Hoss could save his wife. However, now that he’d tasted power, Dewey wasn’t about to go back to being an inmate. When Hoss attempted to take back his uniform by force, Dewey beat him with his nightstick and sprayed his ass with mace.
Raymond Milk informed Substitute Warden Strunck that there was a riot being planned, and promised more information if she would do something in return for him. When she agreed, Raymond explained that he’d promised to get a woman for Arman Redder…so she needed to take one for the team.
Wayne laid out the plan for the riot…while entertaining everybody with his magic act, he would light his own fart, thus setting the warden on fire, and on that signal, everybody would get butt-naked. Bruce talked him out of it, explaining that he needed to escape and prevent Martha Hardacre’s murder, and a butt-naked riot might be too tempting for him to leave.
Still disguised as Hoss, Dexter Dewey took the SAT, acing it by correctly answering how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie-Roll center of a Tootsie Pop. (No, it’s not three.)
Arman Redder was reading a letter from his girlfriend/kinfolk Tiffany when Linda Strunck entered his cell. As much as it disgusted her to do it, she told Arman that she was going to sleep with him for the good of the prison.
Hoss was sitting in the hole (where Dewey had thrown him) when Bruce arrived and informed him that they were going to escape during the riot. They’d need to take out the “guard” Dewey and take his keys. Hoss told Bruce he could handle that, since he’d been building up an immunity to mace for years.
Linda Strunck and Arman Redder were spooning in the afterglow, with Linda marveling at what she’d been missing all those years. Arman, on the other hand, was feeling rather nauseous.
Carried away with his role as a guard, Dewey/“Hoss” began harassing Bruce, beating him with his nightstick and spraying his ass with mace (which didn’t phase him in the least). Bruce went all gay-kung-fu on Dewey and easily overpowered him, telling him to remember which side he’s really on when the riot goes down.
Rusty Trombonz and Raymond Milk were carving weapons out of soap when the guilt-ridden Raymond confessed that he’d ratted out a fellow prisoner. Rusty told him that in the old days, they’d string a rat up by his toes and cover him in mayonnaise.
Arman was trying to wash the sex off in the shower, but Linda was still clinging to him. She informed him that, as the warden, she could arrange for his release…or she could keep him with her forever. Arman felt like a piece of meat.
Hoss was standing by the phone, waiting for his wife to call so that he could warn her. Hoss asked Wayne to help him escape during the riot…in exchange for which, Hoss would let Wayne ride the ponies out back of the prison.
Bruce told Rusty that he needed a favor for his escape. During the riot, he needed Rusty to create a distraction and get blood on the floor by stabbing somebody. Rusty could decide for himself who to stab and how severely.
The staff and inmates filed in for Wayne’s magic show. As Linda Strunck remarked how glad she was that those rumors of a riot were unfounded, Wayne lit his fart and set her on fire. In the ensuing riot, Rusty stabbed Raymond repeatedly, Arman threw himself onto Linda to save their baby, and Hoss stripped Dewey of his uniform before escaping with Bruce. Wayne declared it to be the “Best riot ever!”
TO BE CONTINUED…