Episode 10: Romancing the Stoner
Miller was relaxing on the roof when producer Vivian LaDouche arrived. Vivian informed Miller that the show’s ratings were down, and he needed Miller to do his part by being a team player…“team player” meaning “do everything Vivian says.” Miller pointed out that every time he’s done what people told him, bad things have happened (like Eric getting shot and Hank getting struck by lightning).
Cameraman Lance Belligui was in the library with this week’s guest, romance novelist Jessica Lovingstone. She asked him about himself and his deepest feelings, and he confessed about his love/hate relationship with Dorothy and his guilt over cheating on his wife. Taking notes, she advised him to follow the example of her novels: “Cheat on your wife, then slap her, kiss her passionately, and leave with her money.”
Dorothy was making lunch in the kitchen when Bixie Biederback entered. After a moment of awkward skirting around the subject, they began talking about the time they slept together. Bixie informed Dorothy that she only did it to boost the ratings, but Dorothy insisted that there was something genuine between them.
Noticing that Poncey was depressed, Miller tried to get him to open up. Poncey said that he didn’t feel like taking to people, so Miller suggested that he think of him not as a person, but as his favorite childhood stuffed animal. Poncey revealed that his lover Blaine had run off to Dollywood…with the brain-damaged Eric von Landingham. He further explained that Blaine had sold their grooming salon for 800 pounds of ecstasy, and was already halfway through it. Miller offered to help Poncey find Blaine (and more importantly, those 400 pounds of X).
In the confession booth, Jessica Lovingstone was interviewing Dorothy, who informed her that she was torn between her feelings for Lance and Bixie. Intrigued by this love triangle (particularly the sauciness of Dorothy dressing as Burt Reynolds to seduce Bixie), Jessica suggested that Dorothy do as her heroines would do: make her dreams come true and sail away with her love…of course, she would have to choose Lance because lesbianism is a sin. When Dorothy asked if it wasn’t also a sin to take away a married man, Jessica replied that it’s okay because his wife is far away.
In the game room, Vivian was berating Lance about his shaky camerawork. He promised to protect Lance’s family from Jack Hanna if Lance used a tripod. When Lance protested that a tripod was “cheating,” Vivian retorted “It’s not cheating if you care.” Lance repeated this phrase: “It’s not cheating if you care.”
Poncey was moping in the backyard when Bixie came by, equally depressed. She explained that she was afraid of losing her job because of the poor ratings, and Poncey attempted to cheer her up by reminding her of all the worse ordeals she’s survived (like the time she caught on fire).
In the bowling alley, Jessica was interviewing Miller about his romances; he replied that his greatest loves were pot and pizza. She informed Miller that he reminded her of a supporting character from one of her novels: Ricardo, an opium-smoking pasta maker who came to a bad end, dying in the gutter after shooting someone in the head. (“Shit, I’ve already shot someone! I’m halfway there!”) She suggested that he could avoid Ricardo’s fate by finding love. When Miller complained that the only two women in the house were with each other, Jessica hinted that there WAS one other woman there. Catching on, Miller realized that Jessica’s inordinately long fingernails could add a kinky touch to the encounter…
Vivian LaDouche was complaining about the poor ratings in Bixie’s office. He informed her how vital it was that the show do well, because its success was the key to him getting his OWN reality show produced: He plans to bring hip-hop star Ol’ Dirty Bastard back from the dead and put him on a dating show.
In the backyard, Dorothy was taking shelter from the rain under a tree when Poncey came by with an umbrella. Dorothy noticed that Poncey seemed happier, and he explained that the bad weather was cheering him up because he knew Blaine and Eric were being rained on too. He asked if she knew what it was like to be in a 13-year relationship. She replied that she once wore the same pair of pants for 13 years, and it felt great to finally get them off. She told Poncey that he should be just as glad to be rid of his own “pair of pants.”
Lance was talking to Miller at the Hello Pizza Kitty when Miller finally managed to pull a huge fingernail out of his butt…left behind during his liaison with Jessica Lovingstone. Lance pointed out that Jessica had only used him to get material for her novels, but Miller had no problem with being used that way. They high-fived.
Although a big fan of Jessica Lovingstone’s work, Poncey was so disillusioned with love that he was in no mood to talk to her. When she called him a whiny bitch, Poncey was about to slap-fight her, but immediately backed down when he realized the damage her nails could do.
Lance and Bixie were talking about the hard rain outside; Lance segued into a DeNiroesque monologue, saying that “my right hand of righteousness will make an even harder rain come down.”
Communicating entirely in mime, Vivian LaDouche told Dorothy that she needed to improve the ratings by upping the sex appeal. She responded by tonguing him.
Up on the roof, Bixie and Jessica were talking over old times, since they hadn’t seen each other in 20 years. During their conversation, Bixie discovered a fingernail up her rectum. Jessica confessed that she’d taken advantage of Bixie while she was in a drug-induced coma, explaining that she could only express her true feelings while Bixie was unconscious.
Dorothy found Lance hiding under her bed. Lance opened his shirt to reveal stars tattooed on his chest, in the manner of a Jessica Lovingstone hero. Dorothy confessed that she loved both Lance and Bixie, and couldn’t figure out which path her heart would follow. Lance offered to resolve her dilemma by getting rid of Bixie.
Poncey was drunk in the bar when Vivian LaDouche arrived. Vivian informed Poncey that his whiney moping was dragging down the ratings. He then handed Poncey a package from Blaine (containing a map of Dollywood, a hat, and a bag of oregano), in the hopes that these souvenirs of Blaine’s infidelity would make Poncey mad enough to get off his ass and actually DO something. Poncey responded by passionately kissing Vivian and throwing him to the ground.
TO BE CONTINUED…