Episode 6: Ronni’s Specter
In his cell, Rusty Trombonz pulled out his secret map to his treasure of dublooms and was looking over it when Corrections Officer Hoss Hardacre entered. Hoss explained that he was the acting warden while Warden Barker was refereeing the basketball deathmatch between Bruce Brüce and Chauncey Weaver. Hoss told Rusty that, in exchange for a share of the dublooms, he could make things a lot better for Rusty…like making sure he gets clean sheets.
In the execution chamber, Ronni Peterson was enjoying some private time with Dexter Dewey by striking erotic poses in the chair. Ronni declared her love for Dexter, pleading for him to marry her immediately…not because she’s pregnant, but because she’s going to be executed in two weeks. Dexter joyfully agreed. Since Wayne Bo Casey had been ordained a minister through mail-order, he could perform the ceremony. Breaking into song, Dexter informed Ronni that he needed her to teach him all about sex, since he’d never even seen a ’gina.
Working out in the weight room, Arman Redder thanked Wayne for giving him a second chance, assuring him (untruthfully) that he’d been off drugs for two days now. Wayne warned him that the steroids were still in his system and that he was still in the Danger Zone. They then began an elaborate role-playing exercise, portraying Loggins and Messina to symbolize their relationship.
Hoss told Rusty that all his treasure wouldn’t do him any good while it was out there, past the prison walls, minefields, and wolverine dens. However, he could arrange for 25% of that treasure to do Rusty some good now.
RUSTY: “So you’re saying you get 75% and I get a quarter?”
HOSS: “No, I’m saying you get 25% and I get the rest.”
RUSTY: “Duck season?”
In the chapel, Ronni asked Dexter not to think about her impending execution, but to focus on the happiness they have now. (“When you find your soulmate, it hits you like a ton of books.”) Dexter launched into a passionate monologue using library shelves as a metaphor for his heart, and was so moved that he finally rose from his wheelchair and stood on his feet once again (albeit unsteadily).
Running into Hoss Hardacre, Wayne Bo Casey immediately sensed that Hoss had a heavy burden on his mind. Hoss replied that he couldn’t tell anybody else about it. Wayne suggested that he write it down, just to let it out without revealing the secret to anybody else. When Hoss confessed that he was illiterate, Wayne offered to write it down for him. Agreeing, Hoss dictated his plan to arrange a jailbreak for Rusty Trombonz. Hoss explained that a Medieval Times restaurant had been built over the spot where Rusty buried his dublooms, and Wayne devised an elaborate plot to uncover the treasure during a joust.
When Arman Redder confronted Hoss Hardacre about his drug-pushing, Hoss broke into a song explaining how hard life was for a prison guard, and that all he asked in return was for Arman to make him proud on the basketball court. To make that happen, he needed performance-enhancing drugs.
Dexter and Wayne were in the commissary, going over the plans for Dexter’s wedding. Dexter explained that, instead of a wedding cake, he’d always dreamed of having a huge pile of wedding pudding. They began sampling different flavors to figure out which one to use.
Blissfully skipping through the halls, Ronni made her way to the Warden’s office and announced over the PA how much in love she was. As she did, a mysterious hooded figure in black appeared behind her. As soon as the figure spoke, she recognized him as Rusty Trombonz. Thinking she was after his dublooms, Rusty hit her in the knee with his cane.
Meanwhile, Dexter and Wayne continued the pudding-tasting. Somehow, Wayne segued into a monologue about his mother’s health problems. Dexter complimented Wayne on his unique thought processes.
Arman went up before the parole board, explaining that he was convicted under an unjust law for aiding and abetting his parents’ crime while he was in the womb. Unfortunately, he lost the board’s sympathy when he made some slurs against the Irish.
Hoss found the injured Ronni in the hall and informed her that a broken knee was no excuse for being out of her cell. She cried that she needed a wheelchair, and Hoss informed her that the only wheelchair in the prison was the one recently vacated by Dexter. When Ronni remarked on the irony of the situation, Hoss went into a lengthy explanation about the difference between irony and coincidence.
Dexter and Wayne were still going over the wedding plans. Wayne warned him that this was the first wedding he’d ever performed, and he had to have confidence that they were serious about her, and that the marriage wouldn’t fall apart due to adultery. Dexter assured him that, since Ronni had only two weeks to live, the chances of either of them finding time for an affair were pretty slim.
Returning to the prison yard, Arman informed Hoss that his parole had been denied due to failing his drug test. Hoss revealed that he’d provided the drugs for just that purpose, because he needed Arman in jail for the basketball tournament. Arman remarked how ironic that was. After defining “irony” for five minutes, Hoss warned Arman that he would cut off the drug supply if Arman refused to play ball for him. Arman responded by stabbing Hoss with a sharpened recorder.
Wobbling through the halls, Dexter Dewey found the critically-injured Ronni lying on the ground. Realizing that she was losing blood rapidly, Dexter begged her to hold on. The shadowy hooded figure of Rusty Trombonz appeared behind them. Mistaking the dark phantom for God, Dexter offered to give his own life if Ronni could have the last two weeks of hers.
RUSTY: “Don’t worry, she’s fine.”
DEXTER: “She’s fine? You hear that, honey? You’re fine!”
RUSTY: “Fine-ally DEAD!”
TO BE CONTINUED…