And now, the final episode of the Prison season!
Episode 9: Love in Bloom and Lovin’ Dublooms
Picking up right after last episode’s cliffhanger, when Ronni Peterson asked Dexter Dewey if he’d enjoyed having sex with Rusty Trombonz, Dexter apologized for the dramatic pause and assured her that he didn’t enjoy it one bit. With that out of the way, they tried to figure out how they could circumvent Bruce Brüce’s ban on straight marriage.
Wayne Bo Casey, having sneaked through the electric gate by wearing a suit made of hot dogs, had finally gotten hold of Rusty’s treasure case. When Rusty ran into him, Wayne launched into a lengthy list of things that COULD be in the case (such as Lysol or 17 eyeballs), but finally admitted that it was indeed the dublooms. However, now that Wayne had heard the call of the dublooms, he couldn’t give them up. He said that Rusty would have to kill him to get the dublooms. Rusty had no problem with that.
Self-appointed warden Bruce Brüce called Corrections Officer Hoss Hardacre into his office. The door played “I’m Comin’ Out” as Hoss opened it, and Bruce explained that he’d modified all the fixtures to play gay anthems. Hoss warned Bruce that people weren’t happy with his ban on straight marriage, but Bruce protested that the ban was necessary to preserve the sanctity of the institution.
BRUCE: “Do you know how many straight marriages end in divorce?”
HOSS: “There must be hundreds. It’s an epidermis!”
Bruce and Hoss then broke into a duet concerning their friendship for each other, with Hoss explaining how hard it was for him, as a straight man, to love a gay man.
In the laundry room, deposed warden Otis Barker was sneaking in supplies for the wedding, when Dexter came in to discuss what to do about Bruce. Dexter resolved by the Librarian’s Code (“set down by Conan the Librarian”) to destroy Bruce. He explained that, as the librarian, he controlled the records of all the books and websites used by each inmate. He had altered Bruce’s on-line records so that it looked like he’d been visiting sleazydream.com, the web’s top free straight porn site. Once the gay community found out, Bruce would be excommunicated and killed. After listening to the elaborate plot, Barker suggested that they come up with a Plan B.
Being an internet-ordained minister, Wayne was getting ready to perform the wedding ceremony. Ronni told Wayne how much she’d admired him since she was 4 years old, and that all she’d ever wanted was to be just like him. (She’d even outdone him by racking up a bigger bodycount.) Moved by her declaration, Wayne told her the unfortunate news that, after he performed the ceremony, he’d also be the one carrying out the execution. (“It’s my month.”) Ronni replied that she’d be honored to be killed by her idol.
RONNI: “You’re almost like a father figure to me.”
WAYNE: “I AM your father.”
In the exercise yard, Hoss and Rusty were both depressed: Hoss by his sexual confusion and Rusty by the loss of his dublooms. Hoss explained his situation, and Rusty began to offer some advice…but before he could, he clutched his chest and collapsed.
Ex-Warden Barker figured out his “Plan B” to destroy Bruce. He explained to Dexter that they would decorate the electric chair in a festive manner, tell Bruce that it was the Seat of Honor, and get him to sit in it. The only problem was, where were they going to find another gay man to be the decorator?
Meanwhile, Bruce had just finished adjusting the chair to play gay music when Wayne Bo Casey came by to ask a favor. Wayne explained that Ronni is his daughter, and that he’d pulled strings to have her brought to Little Five Points Penitentiary so he could be with her. He asked to be executed in Ronni’s place, offering Bruce the dublooms as a bribe.
In the visiting room, Barker met Hoss, who had accepted his sexuality and taken to wearing a leather biker cap and MC Hammer sunglasses. Hoss explained that his love for Bruce Brüce had finally brought him happiness. Barker suggested that Hoss demonstrate his love by decorating the electric chair as a present for Bruce.
Still lying prostrate in the exercise yard, Rusty Trombonz drifted in and out of consciousness before finally rising to his feet, calling out for his lost dublooms.
Dexter and Ronni were going over their pre-nup agreement. Dexter explained that, in the unlikely event that he dies before her execution, she would get his manuscript…a book he’d written all about her, the most beautiful girl in prison. They began slow-dancing as he revealed that he’d written a happy ending for them, going off to live in a beautiful barn together. She told him that she would build that barn for him in heaven.
Wayne was sitting in his cell when he heard Rusty’s distant cry of “Dublooms!” Rusty finally made his way to Wayne’s cell, only to be sucker-punched by Wayne. Wayne informed him that the dublooms had been spent and there was nothing he could do about it.
Hoss was decorating the electric chair in red silk and gold streamers, while dancing to “Material Girl.” Wayne, Barker, and Rusty suddenly materialized as his backup dancers.
Bruce Brüce was in his office, gazing at the dublooms, when Rusty entered. Demanding his treasure back, Rusty knocked everything off of Bruce’s desk. Bruce replied that he didn’t want the gold, since it was blood money. He’d realized that love was what was important…his love for Hoss, and Dexter and Ronni’s love for each other. Rusty sat down to consider this. As he settled into the chair, loud gay music suddenly blared. Rusty immediately keeled over.
Bruce rushed into the execution chamber to inform Hoss of Rusty’s heart attack, but was distracted by the sight of the newly-decorated chair. Bruce told Hoss that he no longer wanted to be warden. (“I don’t want to be the boss of you, I want you.”) Just then, Wayne, Dexter, Ronni and Barker all filed in for the wedding and execution. Bruce informed them that he was resigning, and his last official act as warden was to pardon both Ronni and Dexter.
BRUCE: “Most of the time, it’s the governor who does that, but in Georgia, that’s Sonny Perdue, so that’d be ridiculous.”
Bruce then offered Ronni and Dexter the case of dublooms as a wedding present, but Rusty suddenly rushed in and snatched the case away. Unfazed, Bruce offered them a check and a gun instead. Dexter loudly called out “Oh, look, there’s a dubloom on the floor here.” Rusty immediately ran back in, and Dexter shot him. Bruce congratulated Dexter on his first kill.
Bruce changed out of his warden’s outfit and returned it to Barker. Barker’s first act as returning warden was to order a DOUBLE wedding. Wayne performed the ceremony for not only Dexter & Ronni, but for Bruce & Hoss as well. Just as Wayne pronounced them all married, the chair went off while Bruce and Hoss were sitting in it, giving their honeymoon some real spark. (Sorry…)