Episode 7: The Never-Ending Dance
In his office, Warden Otis Barker congratulated Bruce Brüce on having killed Superintendent Chauncey Weaver in a basketball deathmatch, thus ensuring that Washington would never receive Weaver’s report on the prison’s other violations.
BRUCE: “It’s weird how murder cancels out another crime. The PATRIOT Act changes things!”
Bruce cautioned that Barker owed him for this…big time.
Wayne Bo Casey was running around in circles in his cell when Corrections Officer Hoss Hardacre arrived. Wayne noticed that Hoss was bandaged, and Hoss explained that Arman Redder had shivved him in the gut. Hoss admitted that he’d been supplying Arman with steroids so that the team could win the basketball tournament, and Little Five Points Penitentiary could finally make a name for itself.
In the visitation room, Arman Redder finally met his wife, whom he’d married through correspondence. The visit got off to a rocky start when Arman greeted her as “Hot Tits,” so Rusty Trombonz offered some advice on how to talk to a woman. She soon began speaking directly to Rusty, ignoring Arman completely. Rusty asked if she’d carried out the errand they mentioned in their last letter, retrieving his dublooms from Medieval Times. She replied that she’d brought them in her car, but couldn’t bring them into the prison because they were too big. Rusty told her to leave the car in the parking lot, and they’d figure out how to get them in.
In Warden Barker’s office, Bruce issued a list of demands, including having rose petals scattered before him wherever he walks. When Barker hesitated, Bruce sang “Don’t Stop Me Now,” then threatened to sing more Queen songs until Barker gave in. When Barker protested that he wouldn’t have time for his other duties, Bruce replied that he would simply take over those duties himself…as the new Warden.
Rusty Trombonz was making his way to the parking lot when Wayne rushed past, hurrying to catch “The Price Is Right.” Seeing that Rusty was trying to get past the electrified gates, Wayne warned him that he’d be killed. Rusty decided to test it by throwing a quarter through the gateway, and we heard a crackling buzz. Wayne then tossed a baloney sandwich through, and again the gate buzzed. But when Rusty tossed a footlong hot dog through, nothing happened.
Arman was working out in the exercise yard when Hoss came by. After a tense standoff, they began fighting Star Trek-style. Overpowering Arman, Hoss ordered him to win the tournament, or he’s a dead man.
Barker was settling into Bruce’s cell as word spread through the prison grapevine about their switch. Wayne Bo Casey walked in, yodeling like the little Alpine hiker on “The Price Is Right.” Not noticing the change, Wayne informed “Bruce” of his plan to tie 18,000 hot dogs into a lasso and use it to pull the car through the gate. When Barker pointed out that he wasn’t Bruce, Wayne theorized that Bruce and Barker had switched brains. Wayne illustrated his theory by beginning a pelvic-thrusting dance, then found that he couldn’t stop.
In a secret lair deep inside the prison, Dexter Dewey regained consciousness and found himself tied up with Ronni Peterson, who was not dead after all. Ronni explained that they’d been held captive for a week, but had been provided with enough pudding to survive. Rusty Trombonz entered and explained why he’d done this…because Ronni reminded him so of his long-lost love Stacy. When Ronni protested that he was old enough to be her great-great-grandfather, Rusty insisted that love knows no boundaries.
Meanwhile, Wayne still couldn’t stop dancing.
Bruce had just finished redecorating the Warden’s office when Arman entered. Arman lamented that he longed to taste the air of freedom, especially now that he’d been rejected by his pen-pal wife. (“You’d think a woman would be flattered when you call her ‘Hot Tits.’”) Using his new authority, Bruce gave Arman a one-day pass to Six Flags. Bruce explained that this was the best he could do…if he could grant freedom, he’d be out himself.
Otis Barker finally stopped Wayne’s dance. Looking under Bruce’s bed, Wayne found a supply of hot dogs, already tied together. Wayne explained that he’d discovered the flaw in the electric gate that allowed hot dogs to get through. He then used the hot dogs to hypnotize Barker into forgetting his plan.
Making his rounds, Hoss Hardacre found Dexter Dewey’s cell empty. As he pondered the situation, Bruce entered (with rose petals scattered before him). They broke into a duet, with Bruce singing about the feelings that he’d developed for Hoss during their escape. When Hoss sang that he wasn’t gay, Bruce sang that his feelings weren’t sexual, just friendship…and if Hoss rejected that friendship, he’d have to bring the hammer down. All the inmates joined in the song.
Deep in the secret lair, Dexter and Ronni heard the song and were inspired to try escaping. The escape was quickly ended when Rusty beat Dexter senseless with his cane. Taking a seat on Dexter’s prone body, Rusty told Ronni how much she reminded him of his Stacy. In flashback, we saw how Stacy rejected Rusty for being poor, though he promised to have great wealth for her one day. And now, with his dublooms almost within his grasp, he’d finally lived up to that promise. As Rusty gloated about his treasure, Dexter managed to free himself from his ropes and used it to strangle Rusty. Stopping short of killing him, Dexter explained his plan to Ronni.
DEXTER: “You ever see ‘Reservoir Dogs’? If only I had a cool radio station to listen to while I do it.”
TO BE CONTINUED…