Episode 3: Broken Hearts and Necks
Bixie Biederback introduced the housemates to the beautiful Chrysanthemum Kennedy, explaining that Chrysanthemum was this week’s challenge. Whoever succeeded in wooing her would get 150 points (plus the privilege of the wooing itself).
Afterwards, Poncey Highland confided to Eric von Landingham that, as a gay man, he was very upset about being forced to woo a woman to get ahead in the game. Eric pointed out that Dorothy would have just as big a problem.
Rory Manchester was showing Chrysanthemum a night on the town and telling her about himself. (“I’m not just rich because I have millions of dollars, I’m rich because I have 13 points of spirituality.”) He asked her to tell him about herself, and she replied that what he saw in front of him was pretty much all there was to her.
Dorothy complained to Bixie about Chrysanthemum’s presence; Dorothy thought she herself was supposed to provide the show’s sex appeal. Bixie replied that she WOULD be the sex symbol if she got a new look. Reluctantly, Dorothy agreed to take a bath and wear make-up, though she drew the line at wearing a dress.
In the backyard, Hank ‘The Beaver’ Basker was playing golf with Chrysanthemum, turning the game into one long string of sexual innuendo. Chrysanthemum was repulsed by his weird, aggressive behavior.
Cameraman Lance Belligui was filming Miller at work at the Hello Pizza Kitty. Miller explained that he needed this job to pay off his “guy.” Lance didn’t understand, so Miller went into a speech about how everybody needs a guy. Realizing that Lance didn’t have a guy, Miller went out and found a guy named Tyrone. Miller asked Tyrone to hook him up with a bag, and Tyrone charged him three dollars. (“Dude, that’s like 1924 prices!”)
Eric von Landingham was at his workplace at Olan Mills, photographing Chrysanthemum. She complimented him on his blue uniform, and he launched into a monologue about his life in the service industry…a monologue that took a weird turn when he recalled his mother’s job as a stripper at Stretchers.
In the confession booth, Rory told Lance about his date with Chrysanthemum. At first, he only viewed her as the show’s weekly challenge, but now he felt something he’d never felt before (except for himself). In fact, he felt so strongly (and was so determined to win the challenge) that he’d bought a ring.
Poncey went to Bixie’s office to complain about the challenge. He explained that this went completely against his nature, declaring that he hadn’t dated girls since high school. Bixie retorted that, since he DID once go out with girls, he could do so again…and she insisted that he practice with her.
Miller and Chrysanthemum were smoking pot in the underpass on 285. This was the first time she’d ever tried anything like that, and she was enjoying it a lot. They got into a rambling, stoned conversation (“Isn’t life like a reality show without the show?”) that ended with Miller declaring his love for her.
Poncey was relaxing in the hot tub when Dorothy came in to take her first bath in years. Dorothy sensed that Bixie had had her way with Poncey. Breaking down, Poncey sobbed that Bixie’s breasts were like that green gardening compound (“you stick your thumb in, it leaves an impression!”).
Rory brought Chrysanthemum up to his room to show her his etchings, while she confessed that she thought she’d been abducted by aliens, since she found herself on the freeway with no memory. She was woken up when a car full of hysterical people (possibly a clown car) ran over her foot. Rory comforted her by massaging her injured foot. As he did so, he slipped the engagement ring onto her toe and playfully asked “Now where did that come from?” Chrysanthemum figured the clowns must have put it on her.
Lance was logging his tapes in the basement when Bixie came in to compliment him on his work. Lance confronted her about her sexual harassment of Poncey, and she declared that she did have strong feelings for Poncey. Lance warned her that if she slept with a contestant again, he would report her to the network.
Hank and Eric were at the bar, drowning their sorrows over their failure to impress Chrysanthemum. Even worse, once he brought it up, Eric found he couldn’t rid his mind of the image of his mother stretching her nipples.
Poncey took Chrysanthemum out for line-dancing at Hoedown’s. After some drinks and bonding over how much they had in common, it finally dawned on Chrysanthemum that Poncey was gay (as if taking her to Hoedown’s wasn’t a big enough clue). He explained that he’d been in a committed relationship with his partner Blaine for 13 years. She respected him for that, and gave him a kiss. At that moment, Rory walked in.
Afterwards, Rory stormed into Bixie’s office, furious over Chrysanthemum’s betrayal. Bixie was also stunned and hurt to hear that Poncey had kissed another woman. Rory swore revenge.
Dorothy was showing Chrysanthemum the art of dumpster-diving, and even found a ring for her. Chrysanthemum told Dorothy about her kiss with Poncey, and Dorothy offered to prepare a tincture to turn a gay man straight. They bonded over their mutual incoherence.
Miller told Lance all about his date with Chrysanthemum, confirming her theory about being hit by a clown car. Afterwards, Miller turned the camera on Lance and pressed him about his feelings for Chrysanthemum; Lance finally admitted that he was in love with her too.
Hank went to Rory’s room to taunt him about Chrysanthemum tossing him aside for a gay man. Rory used a secret control to turn off all the hidden cameras, then asked Hank to join him in a plan to get revenge on Chrysanthemum and frame Poncey.
Bixie gathered all the housemates together for the big announcement of who won this week’s challenge. Chrysanthemum declared that she had chosen the one person who had been totally honest with her…Dorothy. As Chrysanthemum and Dorothy embraced, Rory hit a button on his watch to activate his super-speed. Too fast for even the cameras to see, Rory ran up to Chrysanthemum and snapped her neck. As time returned to normal, Chrysanthemum collapsed into Dorothy’s arms. Before she died, Chrysanthemum managed to gasp out a single clue to her killer’s identity…“Etchings!”
TO BE CONTINUED…