Episode 11: Gamma Radiation, Hanna Degradation
In the production office, producer Vivian LaDouche was shouting at Lance Belligui, ranting that Lance’s shoddy camerawork was bringing down the show’s ratings. Vivian warned him that he was going to bring up the ratings, even if it kills Lance.
Gardening in the backyard, Poncey Highland was surprised by the arrival of Jack Hanna, carrying a miniature moose and an albino gibbon. Poncey was thrilled to meet one of People Magazine’s 25 Sexiest Men of 1996. In between spouting fun facts about various animals (“Did you know that some fleas have Y-shaped penises?”), Hanna asked where he could find the show’s cameraman.
In the alley, Miller was telling Dorothy about his career prospects at Hello Pizza Kitty when insurance salesman Oral Hanks suddenly dropped in from the sky. After introducing himself, he offered them some reality-show insurance, citing the fact that 9 out of 10 reality-show contestants get horribly maimed. From this show’s track record, Dorothy could believe those figures.
Lance Belligui was fuming in the game room when Jack Hanna entered, accompanied by ominous music. When Lance demanded to know what Hanna had done with Lance’s wife, Hanna assured him that she was safe. A flashback revealed the reason for Hanna’s grudge against Lance: While filming an episode of “Animal Adventures,” Lance stood by filming, doing nothing to help while Jack Hanna was stampeded by zebras.
In the bar, Miller introduced Oral Hanks to Poncey (who had adopted the albino gibbon “Nibbles”). Poncey dismissed Oral as a huckster, but Oral insisted that accidents could happen at any time, like that chair that’s about to fall from the ceiling. While everyone was looking up, Oral grabbed a chair and hit Nibbles. They attempted CPR, but Miller snapped Nibbles’ neck in the process.
Vivian LaDouche, explaining the concept of corporate sponsorship to Dorothy, told her to try their sponsor’s new product, Coca-Cola Blak, then share her honest reaction. She took a swig and immediately spit it out. (“That’s my honest reaction.”) Vivian warned her not to fuck with Coca-Cola.
In the hallway, Lance ran into Oral Hanks (literally), who offered him some anti-collision insurance. Hysterically, Lance cried that his wife had been kidnapped, and Oral sold him some kidnapped-wife insurance. Lance explained that she had been taken by the world’s most evil man, a man who knew nothing of compassion. Oral replied “Oh, Jack Hanna!”
Miller and Poncey were waiting in the veterinary emergency room, waiting for news on Nibbles’ condition. Miller apologized for breaking the gibbon’s neck, explaining that he thought Nibbles needed chiropractic. Poncey didn’t buy it, and Miller finally admitted that he was jealous of the affection Nibbles gave Poncey. Miller was concerned that his violent urges, long suppressed by pot-smoking, were starting to come out. He needed some way of controlling his inner raging beast…like maybe gamma radiation.
Later, Vivian was relaxing in the hot tub when Miller arrived. Repeating his corporate-sponsorship pitch, Vivian asked Miller to try new Coke Blak. Tasting it, Miller declared that it was everything he ever wanted in life. Just then, Poncey rushed in, shouting a warning that Coke Blak is made with gamma rays. Miller began to transform into a rampaging hulk, smashing the hot tub (with Vivian still inside).
Jack Hanna was letting his moose graze on the eucalyptus tree in the garden when Dorothy entered. Enchanted by the animals, Dorothy got a kiss on the cheek from the tiger cub, then climbed on the moose’s back for a ride. Suddenly, the Miller-Hulk ran through, destroying the tree. Hanna threw himself on Dorothy to protect her. Once the danger had passed, they kissed passionately.
Poncey ran down to the basement to warn Lance that they were in danger. Lance asked if it was Jack Hanna, and Poncey explained that it was worse: Miller had hulked out and was smashing all the set pieces. Poncey then backed up and asked Lance what he meant by that remark about Jack Hanna. Lance explained the situation, and Poncey helped him devise a plan to get rid of Jack Hanna. Poncey would seduce Hanna and slip some weed in his crotch, so that the Miller-Hulk would destroy Jack to get to it.
In the garden, Dorothy and Jack Hanna were relaxing in post-coital bliss while Jack whispered animal facts in her ear (“Did you know the swan is the only bird with a penis?”). She was having guilt feelings about their encounter, since she’d been having an on-again/off-again relationship with Lance. Shocked by the revelation that she had slept with his arch-enemy, Hanna rose up in anger…but couldn’t stay mad when she assumed a mating-display position.
In the hallway, Lance ran into Vivian. Impressed by Lance’s fury at Jack Hanna (“Did you know Jack Hanna is the only man without a penis?”), Vivian filmed Lance’s explanation of his vendetta. Vivian encouraged Lance to kill Jack (and boost the ratings), but Lance replied that he wouldn’t…at least, he wouldn’t do it HIMSELF.
Poncey informed Oral Hanks that he was about to go on a dangerous mission, and could use some insurance. Immediately guessing what that mission was, Oral offered to help him take down Jack Hanna.
Torn between Lance and Jack Hanna, Dorothy sang a song to Jesus asking advice. Suddenly, Miller-Hulk came rampaging through, but upon seeing Dorothy, he stopped in his tracks and uttered “Friend?” Dorothy asked if there was any way she could help him, and he grunted “Backrub.”
Jack Hanna was herding his animals in the great room when Poncey and Oral Hanks entered. Hanna began to use his Sexiest-Man-of-1996 charisma to distract Poncey, but Oral whacked Hanna with his briefcase, then shouted out to the Hulk. Hearing the call, Miller punched out Dorothy and ran over to the great room. Jack Hanna regained consciousness just as Miller-Hulk went for his pants.
Coming to, Dorothy heard muffled yells coming from nearby. Following the sound, she discovered a bound woman with duct-tape covering her mouth. Realizing that this was Lance’s wife, Dorothy answered her pleas: “I’m not untying you, bitch!”
Despite having been buggered by the Hulk, Jack Hanna remained defiant. He pulled a lever, causing Oral Hanks to plunge through a trapdoor into a bottomless pit. Hanna then used his power to summon all his animals and make them attack Miller-Hulk.
Dorothy finally relented and removed the duct-tape from Mrs. Belligui’s mouth (though she remained tied up), just as Lance entered. Before they could confront each other, Jack Hanna entered and began taunting Lance. (“I survived getting fucked by the Hulk! You think you can take me down?”) Before he could get his revenge, the day was saved when Oral Hanks suddenly fell from the sky (having fallen all the way through the earth and back again) and landed on Jack Hanna. As soon as Hanna was down, Miller-Hulk ran in for more.
TO BE CONTINUED…