Episode 5: The Toilet-Themed Episode
Having reclaimed his office by force, Warden Otis Barker informed Superintendent Chauncey Weaver that he couldn’t allow him to return to Washington and report him…so he was keeping Weaver prisoner as the new prison janitor.
New inmate Ronni Peterson (temporarily held at L5P Penitentiary until she could be transferred to the Agnes Scott Women’s Prison) was eating in the cafeteria with Bruce Brüce. Bruce confessed that, during his escape with Officer Hoss Hardacre, he’d felt something he’d never felt before…he’d never been around a man who wasn’t interested in him, and it was breaking his heart. Bruce’s discussion of his love life prompted Ronni to reminisce about all her victims.
RONNI: “I like to come at ’em when they’re sleeping.”
BRUCE: “Really? I like to come ON them when they’re sleeping.”
Of course, this remark got Bruce sent to the hole.
Raymond Milk was doing some research about the puffin (“the misunderstood penguin”) in the library when Dexter Dewey rolled in. Dewey complained about Raymond’s good fortune: Raymond got stabbed 14 ½ times with no lasting effects, but one shiv to the gut put Dewey in a wheelchair. (“Life deals you a pair of aces, life deals me a pair of plegics.”) Raymond tried to cheer up Dewey by reminding him that he had knowledge, and knowledge is real power. Dewey replied that nobody valued intellect anymore, as demonstrated by the last election.
Hoss was overseeing Arman Redder’s physical therapy, helping him to regain the use of his broken finger in time for the basketball tournament. Playing to Arman’s racist instincts, Hoss told him to think of the pain as a minority group, like Lithuanians, and to deal with it the way he would with them. Arman pleaded with Hoss to get him some meds so that he could play again.
Wayne Bo Casey was singing REO Speedwagon in his cell when Janitor Weaver came in to clean the toilet. As Weaver went about his janitorial duties, he gave Wayne a feedback form to rate his service on a scale of 1 to 5. Wayne saw his chance to pay Weaver back for turning him into a psychotic killer…plus taking a cut of all the Wayne Bo Casey T-shirts that were sold. Wayne ordered Weaver to dance for him; when Weaver demonstrated some breakdancing moves, Wayne was so impressed that he gave him all 5s on his report.
Warden Barker released Bruce from the hole, then asked a favor from him. Barker explained that he couldn’t allow Weaver to make his report to Washington, so he needed to ruin Weaver’s reputation and credibility. Bruce assured him that he could use his outside connections with the Rainbow Mafia to make the world think that Weaver was gay…just like they did to Rock Hudson. In exchange, Bruce wanted a solid gold toilet.
Ronni Peterson was stalking Dewey through the prison. When he finally noticed her, he praised her beauty. (“Your skin is porcelain, like a beautiful, beautiful toilet…I know we talk about toilets a lot here, sorry.”) They made a date for Dewey to come by her cell later on, and he’d bring so much pudding they wouldn’t be able to breathe.
Wayne and Arman were practicing their basketball moves in the courtyard when Wayne noticed that Arman’s eye was dilated. Finding Arman’s drug paraphernalia, Wayne informed him that he couldn’t trust his escape plan to a junkie. Wayne announced that he had a new partner for the team…Bruce Brüce. Angrily, Arman demanded that they play a match to see who would make the cut; Arman immediately lost.
Afterwards, Bruce was in the shower when Janitor Weaver came in to clean the drains. Weaver was repulsed by Bruce’s obvious gayness, but went about his duties in hope of good customer-service feedback. Bruce began asking Weaver some questions, while holding a bar of soap up to Weaver’s face. (“It’s all right, it’s just a bar of soap, it’s not a tape recorder or anything.”) Seeing through the charade, Weaver snatched away the bar and attempted to snap it in half. Failing that, he broke the bar by biting into it…discovering that it was indeed just a bar of soap.
Stopping by Ronni Peterson’s cell, Warden Barker saw that she was getting ready for a date. When she explained that she was waiting for Dexter Dewey, Barker was initially taken aback, but told her what a nice gesture it was to give Dewey a pity date (just as Dewey arrived). Ronni and Dewey informed him that it was not a pity date; sensing the awkwardness of the moment, Barker went back to his office.
In the office, Hoss informed Barker that he’d had Ronni’s cell under constant surveillance (although they’d have to take the hidden cameras to Eckerd’s to get them developed). As Barker rhapsodized how good it was to see romance blooming in his prison, Hoss warned him that having a woman there would lead to jealousy and riots. Barker saw his point, but couldn’t bring himself to break them up…so Hoss set out to do it himself.
On his way to Ronni’s cell, Hoss ran into Arman Redder, who hit him up for a fix. Hoss gave him some more pills, warning him that these meds had better pay off on the basketball court.
On their date, Ronni was feeding pudding to Dewey when she asked why he was in jail. Dewey was reluctant to tell her, fearing that she’d turn against him, but he eventually confessed: “I had sex with a bus full of children. Now, before you judge me, I didn’t have sex with the children…I just had sex with the bus.” Ronni replied that she doesn’t judge him, and continued feeding him pudding. Just then, Janitor Weaver came by to clean the toilet. He screamed in horror, mistaking the pudding for…um, something else.
Fleeing in disgust, Weaver went up to the roof, where he found Wayne lost in thought. Weaver apologized for trying to cancel the basketball game back when he had the authority to do so. Weaver asked if he could be Wayne’s new partner, if the current one should happen to die. After a bit of practice so Wayne could see Weaver’s moves, Wayne agreed to kill Bruce so that Weaver could take his place. They’d win the tournament, escape, and start a speakeasy.
TO BE CONTINUED…