Episode 12: What the Hell Just Happened?
Producer Vivan LaDouche met with hostess/director Bixie Biederback in her office (with Dorothy also in attendance), explaining his newest ratings-boosting scheme. He’s going to institute a vote to get people thrown off the show…and everyone, even Bixie, is at risk. Dorothy responded by holding up an unflattering drawing of Vivian she’d done while he was talking.
In the confession booth, we saw Eric von Landingham, strangely recovered from his brain damage. He revealed the reason for this discrepancy: His name is not actually Eric von Landingham…but Brian Biederback, an aspiring actor. His mother Bixie got him a spot on the show, and all of his ever-changing personas (nerdy photo clerk, angry rocker, Vaderesque evil overlord, brain-damage casualty) were simply acting choices. Cameraman Lance Belligui was outraged by Brian’s fakery, protesting that this was supposed to be a reality show. Brian, believing that the rest of the show was just as phony as he was, complimented Lance on his angry “performance.”
Miller, having changed from the Hulk back to his old self, was relaxing in the garden when he encountered a strange, shaggy figure covered in leaves and branches. After a moment, Miller finally recognized the wild man as…Rory Manchester! Miller offered the caveman Rory a joint, and the pot miraculously brought Rory back to lucidity. Rory explained that he had made a long, difficult journey back from the Dagoba System (which turned out to be near Tucker, Georgia).
Mortally injured after being raped by the Miller-Hulk, Jack Hanna made a last-ditch effort to summon his animal friends. The animals gathered around him and transferred their power to Jack, reviving him like Halle Berry in Catwoman. (“Come on, who saw Catwoman?”)
Lance burst into Bixie’s office to confront her about planting her son on the show. Brian, surprised to learn that Lance really wasn’t an actor, was nevertheless impressed by his anger and energy. Brian and Bixie told Lance that he had the potential to be a young Marlon Brando, and offered to help him with an acting exercise. They called in Dorothy to improvise a love scene; as the scene progressed, Dorothy and Lance stopped acting and genuinely declared their love for one another. They threw Bixie and Brian out so they could have a private moment, then Lance confessed that he killed his wife so that they could be together. Dorothy replied that that was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for her.
Vivian went to Miller’s room to discuss the ratings, comparing the ratings cycle to crack addiction: It always takes more and more to get that high again, and soon you’re giving blowjobs to get your next fix. Miller realized that Vivian was baring his soul by confessing what his ratings obsession had driven him to. Vivian, touched by Miller’s insight, took him as a confidante. Vivian confessed that his new ratings scheme isn’t just to vote someone off the show…it’s to vote them off, take them out back and shoot them.
Rory was wandering through the woods when he ran into Jack Hanna, who couldn’t figure out why he was still alive. As they conversed, they discovered common ground in their knowledge of obscure animal facts, and they sang a song of zoological trivia. Rory then explained to Jack that he used to want nothing more than to win the show and get his hands on the nuclear oil underneath Iceland…but now, he was a changed man.
In Bixie’s office, Dorothy was drawing a sketch of Brian while Vivian informed Bixie about his plan to shoot the loser of this week’s vote. Hearing this plan, Dorothy protested that he couldn’t do that. Vivian replied that, being from the network, he could do anything he wanted, then demonstrated by overturning Dorothy’s shopping cart. An epic slow-motion brawl ensued, ending with Dorothy poking Vivian in the eye with an umbrella.
Rory was in his old bedroom, wistfully looking over his old implements of evil. (“Torture Bed…Suffocating Pillow…Anal-Rape Stool…Lamp.”) The Torture Bed called out to him, trying to tempt him back to the dark-meat side. Rory struggled to resist the temptation of nuclear oil. The Lamp declared “Rory, I am your father.”
Dorothy and Lance were trying to figure out a way to escape the show. Lance confided that he had the grand prize, the deed to Iceland. Dorothy revealed that Vivian had given her a deed too. Just as Dorothy began fuming at Vivian’s latest duplicity, a shot rang out, and Dorothy collapsed.
Vivan brought Miller to the Chamber of Votitude to fill out his ballot to vote out a housemate. As Miller contemplated his choice, dramatic music filled the air (because Eric/Brian was singing “Carmina Burana” from off-stage). Miller finally cast his vote for “Eric Shut-the-Fuck-Up von Landingham.”
Up on the roof, Bixie and Brian Biederback were talking about their work on the show and their relationship. Brian began a monologue reminiscing about his childhood, but was drowned out by singing from off-stage.
In the Chamber of Votitude, Jack Hanna filled out his ballot while reciting one animal fact after another. (Curiously, all of his facts were penis-related.) He finally held up his ballot, revealing his vote for Lance. Suddenly, a shot rang out and Jack collapsed.
In the game room, Rory confided to Lance that he was at a crossroads; he could use the nuclear oil to become the most powerful person in the world, or he could take out Vivian LaDouche. Since Lance was the most honest, innocent person Rory knew (apart from Dorothy), he needed his help to make the right choice. He asked Lance to sneak into the Chamber of Votitude and put Rory’s name on all the ballots.
The badly-wounded Jack Hanna crawled over to Miller, followed shortly by the equally wounded Dorothy. Promising that they would both make it through this, Miller revealed the never-before-mentioned fact that he’d been through medical school. He performed impromptu surgery on both of them, then gave them some medicinal marijuana. With Hanna and Dorothy fully recovered, they decided to go into action as a trio, like super-heroes.
Vivian summoned everyone to the Chamber of Votitude, where he announced that Rory had been voted off unanimously. Rory insisted that, rather than take him out back, Vivian should finish him right there in front of everybody. Vivian and Rory faced off for an epic struggle, completely unfazed by anybody else’s attempts to intervene in the fight. Finally, Vivian snapped Rory’s neck. Rory managed to get one last shot in by biting Vivian’s crotch as he fell.
TO BE CONTINUED…