Episode 10: Knowing One’s Ass from One’s Elbow
In the garage, paramedic Rosie Jay (disguised as Nurse Vanessa Goodhead) was nostalgically looking over her old ambulance when she discovered little Sammy Swanson hiding in the back. She offered to let the dying boy drive the ambulance, though he needed to sit on her lap while she worked the pedals. Afterwards, Sammy thanked her for her kindness, but lamented that nobody was working on granting him his dying wish to ride a horse with Michael Jordan on the moon. “Vanessa” offered to get a papier-mâché horse and dress up like Michael Jordan, then they could pretend they’re on the moon. Sammy found this offer incredibly lame.
Dr. Corky Howser introduced the hospital’s newest employee, a 6’3” talking chicken whom he’d brought in to entertain the children.
Former Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud was drinking in the bar while baseball great Two-Shoes Blair recounted the story of how Babe Ruth cracked the Liberty Bell. Sturgis then told Two-Shoes that he’d been fired from the hospital. Two-Shoes offered his sympathies, and they danced to James Ingram’s “Just Once.”
Due to the staff shortage, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler and Cluckles the 6’3” chicken were performing surgery on a patient, with predictably fatal results.
As Sammy lamented that his parents had just dropped him off while they enjoyed the Disneyland vacation from the Make-a-Wish Foundation, “Vanessa” offered to take him in at her apartment. Sammy thanked her, then confided that he thought he’d developed another illness in addition to his terminal speech impediment and brain tumor. He explained that his body had been going through some weird changes, so Rosie presented a montage explaining all about puberty.
Sturgis went to Yummy Wampler to ask for help in getting his job back. When Yummy gloated about his getting what he deserved, Sturgis suggested that she look on the computer and check the “Yummy’s Retirement Fund” folder. He explained that he’d been diverting money from the hospital for all those years to secretly reward her…but if he’s fired from the hospital, she’d never be able to access it. Yummy agreed to get him reinstated.
Cluckles was signing the discharge papers so Sammy could go home with “Vanessa.” Suddenly, Cluckles broke down and cried over the patient he lost. Sammy reassured him: “You’re not a god, you’re just a chicken.”
Two-Shoes Blair burst into Dr. Corky Howser’s office and reminded him about an operation he performed three years ago: Two-Shoes’ mother came in for a liver transplant, and Corky replaced her liver with a kidney instead. Now, he’d come for revenge. In response, Corky reminded Two-Shoes about another operation he’d done one year ago: When Two-Shoes was injured in a game, Corky implanted a secret control chip in his elbow…and now, Corky could control Two-Shoes’ right arm with a telephone.
At “Vanessa’s” apartment, Sammy turned on the TV and stumbled onto a porn channel. When “Vanessa” came in, she immediately shut it off, then explained that there’s no love in those movies like there should be. She told him that she had another surprise for him…then she brought in a horse, a jersey, and a space helmet.
Corky was watching “Dragon Tales” in the nurses’ lounge when Yummy entered and asked him to re-hire Sturgis. When Corky asked what was in it for him, Yummy offered to divert hospital funds to get Corky an endless supply of Chapstick. Corky agreed.
Cluckles was swimming in the exercise pool when Two-Shoes Blair entered. When Two-Shoes recognized Cluckles as the San Diego Chicken, Cluckles explained that he’d decided to take a break and scale back his career into smaller venues. Suddenly, the chip in Two-Shoes’ elbow took control, causing Two-Shoes to grab his own crotch.
Sturgis St. Cloud and “Vanessa” met in the park for a game of horseshoes and a discussion. He revealed that he knew she was really Rosie Jay, and she confronted him about his attempt on her life. He protested that he never intended to kill her, but only make it look as though she was dead for a few days. In the heat of their argument, he confessed that he found her irresistible. He kissed her, she slapped him, and he grabbed her to carry her off. Rosie’s skirt got hiked up in the struggle, just in time for little Sammy to arrive and see her ass.
Two-Shoes Blair, accompanied by Cluckles, went to see Yummy Wampler to plead for some experimental arm-numbing medication. Two-Shoes’ arm went out of control and groped Yummy…so what was Cluckles’ excuse for doing the same?
Sammy rushed into Corky’s office and told him that he’d seen Sturgis abducting “Vanessa” (and had seen her butt in the process), but that Sturgis had called her “Rosie” while he was doing it. Realizing that Rosie was still alive, Corky swore to rescue the woman he loved. Corky declared that, while Sammy had only a few hours to live, Sturgis was going to die even sooner.
Yummy gave Two-Shoes a dose of an experimental medicine to bring his arm under control, then warned him that the drug might be hard on a man his age. Two-Shoes suddenly collapsed, knocking over the table.
Sturgis was holding Rosie hostage on the roof when Corky burst in. Pushing Rosie away, Sturgis reminded Corky that he’d protected Corky from lawsuits and financial ruin for all his time at the hospital…protection that the retarded teenage doctor couldn’t give himself once he’s in charge. Suddenly, Two-Shoes Blair and Sammy Swanson burst in. Grabbing a telephone, Corky took control of Two-Shoes’ arm and forced him to grab Sturgis by the throat. Gasping for breath, Sturgis issued a warning to Corky:
STURGIS: “Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown! I’m also…your father! No, that’s not true…I just know how much you love Star Wars.”
At that point, Corky made Two-Shoes drop Sturgis off the roof.
TO BE CONCLUDED…