Episode 4: Homeland Insecurity
After the murder of Chrysanthemum Kennedy, the investigation was being incorporated into the show. Cameraman Lance Belligui introduced the housemates to Homeland Security Agent John Denver (no relation). Denver assured everybody that, before the end of the night, he would find the killer…or at least someone he could claim was the killer.
Denver began by questioning Poncey Highland while Poncey showed him around Chrysanthemum’s room. Poncey was convinced that it was a hate crime, since she’d been killed moments after declaring her love for Dorothy. Poncey suspected Eric von Landingham, since he’d noticed some unstable behavior from Eric ever since their liaison two weeks ago.
At the bar, Dorothy was still reeling from the shock of her new best friend dying in her arms. Eric suggested that she forget her sorrows by coming to see his band “Fucked at Birth” at their upcoming gig.
Miller was getting high up on the roof when Lance came up for some fresh air. Lance noticed the unusual pipe Miller was smoking from, and asked to try it. As Lance smoked, Miller picked up Lance’s camera and asked him what he really thought about everyone at the Scandal house. His inhibitions lost, Lance called them all assholes.
Rory Manchester was relaxing when boy-band star Chip Blingo came by. Chip explained that he had been thrown out of his own neighboring reality show, and needed another chance to prove himself. Rory said that Chip’s vocal talents (and self-generating background music) were just what he needed to cheer up, since a woman he cared for had just died of a spontaneous neck-break. (Rory neglected to mention that he was the one who “spontaneously” broke it.)
Agent Denver was interviewing Dorothy by the garbage cans. She was certain that Rory was the killer, and suggested that they give him a taste of some street justice by cutting off his feet and wrapping him in seaweed. (“He’ll tell you everything…and then bleed to death.”)
While grocery shopping, Poncey confronted Eric about his strange behavior. Eric confessed that he did have a guilty conscience…not over murder, but because he’d never told his mother than he loved her. Poncey comforted him by offering to role-play Eric’s mother. Eric asked Poncey to pull on his nipples to make the impersonation more convincing.
Chip Blingo was moving in when Miller entered. Recognizing Chip (after initially mistaking him for a troll doll), Miller proclaimed that he’d sold more weed at Chip’s last concert than in the rest of the year combined.
Rory was doing the show’s confession-booth segment when he noticed that Lance was trying to film him with a bong instead of a camera. The wasted Lance gloated that he knew Rory had killed Chrysanthemum, and he had the proof on film. Where Rory asked where this proof was, Lance realized that Miller had it now. Rory insinuated that Lance was making unfounded accusations to draw suspicion away from himself. Before long, Lance was convinced of his own guilt.
Chip was relaxing in the hot tub when Dorothy came by. Recognizing Chip, she began singing one of his songs. Chip told Dorothy that his last reality show was filled with ruthless competition, and he was amazed by how friendly everyone was here. Dorothy agreed that it was great, except for people getting murdered.
Miller was filming Poncey in the kitchen, childishly trying to goad Poncey into making a “tossed salad” reference. When Poncey noticed that Miller had Lance’s camera, Miller explained that he’d gotten hold of it while Lance was hitting the bong. (“He thought it was tobacco product, like they make you say when you buy it.”) Now that he had the camera and access to the editing room, Miller suggested that they give the footage some tweaking.
After drummer Eric von Landingham gave his bandmates a pep talk, “Fucked at Birth” began their hard-rockin’ concert.
Even down in the basement, Agent Denver and Lance were stunned by the loudness and rage of the music. Denver confided that he had found three particularly suspicious characters in his investigation. (“Rory may be a killer, Poncey may be gay, and Chip may be ethnic.”) Denver said that he might have to resort to extreme interrogation tactics. Lance offered to get the seaweed.
Rory went to the Hello Pizza Kitty to see Miller about Lance’s film. He convinced Miller that he was in trouble for editing the tapes, and persuaded him to hand over the camera.
Dorothy was hanging out her laundry on the roof when Poncey came by to voice his concerns about the investigation. After hearing Eric’s angry, death-obsessed music, he was more convinced than ever that Eric was the killer. Dorothy deduced that Poncey was just upset because Eric had rejected him after their initial make-out session.
Eric was in the bar when Agent Denver entered, looking for Chip Blingo. Disdainful of authority, Eric refused to cooperate. Denver warned him that he could put away Eric and his entire band. (“Let me explain how Homeland Security works. You’re ALREADY in trouble.”) Eric caved in and directed Denver to Chip’s room.
Two seconds later, Denver broke down the door to Chip’s room. After Denver ordered him to get down on the floor, Chip retorted that no matter how Denver hurts him, it would only make his music stronger. Denver responded by cutting off Chip’s feet.
Rory called everyone (even the footless Chip) together to announce the solution to Chrysanthemum’s murder. Explaining that the key to the mystery was the fact that all the different reality shows are filmed in this same neighborhood, Rory began the slow-motion playback of the (secretly edited) video footage. The footage showed Chip Blingo and Ted Nugent running in, singing a Satanic song while dancing around Chrysanthemum, and snapping her neck to seal the pact…all too fast for the human eye to see. Denver took the mortally-wounded Chip into custody. Now that the murder of Chrysanthemum Kennedy was solved, Agent Denver set out to solve the rest of the Kennedy murders. Rory saved time by revealing them all: John F. Kennedy was killed by Ving Rhames, Bobby by Yahoo Serious, and Ted Kennedy will be killed by Agent Denver himself. With this revelation, Rory snapped Denver’s neck. Dorothy, shocked by the carnage and craziness, began crying hysterically, longing for her old home behind the dumpster at Wendy’s.
TO BE CONTINUED…