Episode 8: All This and Burt Reynolds, Too
With his mentor Rory Manchester gone, Eric von Landingham had renamed himself yet again, appointing himself Emperor von Landingham and trading his Darth mask for a black Sith robe. However, when Poncey Highland questioned him about the new look, he insisted that he was still the same old Eric he’s always been.
In her office, producer Bixie Biederback was talking to this week’s guest, life coach Hans Jorg. She explained that for this week’s challenge, she wanted the show to get into the housemates’ psyches. Hans proposed the stakes: Whoever succeeds in his task will get Krugerrands…while the losers will get amputations. He raised his own cybernetic hand for dramatic emphasis.
Dorothy and Miller were relaxing in the hot tub, discussing this week’s challenge. As far as he could figure out, Miller thought that the challenge was “talking to a man with a weird hand,” so he wondered whether it would count if he talked to the guy with the weird bulge who stands on Moreland & Ponce.
Poncey tried to talk to cameraman Lance Belligui about Eric’s new persona, but Lance insisted he didn’t see any problem. Poncey realized that Eric must have something on Lance, and Lance finally admitted that Eric had promised to get him off the show.
In the backyard, Dorothy met Hans, who told her she was homeless because she lacked confidence. He told her that the prize for this week’s challenge was a stash of Krugerrands, then asked her if she knew what those were. She replied that a Krugerrand is an ant that can kill you in your dreams. Hans asked her to imagine the power she could have with such a thing.
Over some Shirley Temples in the bar, Bixie confided to Miller that she was worried about his future after the show. He explained that he was planning a show of his own, “The Miller Show,” a talk show where he would interview those actors that you see all the time but don’t know their names. He demonstrated by interviewing Bixie.
Eric summoned Lance to the roof, asking about the progress on his plan to turn the entire planet into The Dirt Star, a mobile space station to terrorize the galaxy. Lance was reluctant (plus he couldn’t figure out the instructions). Eric reminded Lance that he was Lance’s only hope for freeing his family from the clutches of Jack Hanna, who was at that very moment touching Lance’s wife’s nipples.
Hans Jorg told Poncey that his problem was that he lacked confidence. Poncey asked Hans how he lost his hand, and Hans had a flashback to combat in the Falkland Islands (where he fought on the side of the Falklandians). Poncey comforted Hans to snap him back to the present, then offered to serve as the life coach’s love coach.
Dorothy asked Bixie what she wanted more than anything in the world. When Bixie replied “Burt Reynolds,” Dorothy revealed that she had Burt Reynolds on her speed-dial, and would hook her up with him if Bixie gets her shit together. Considering her problems, Bixie decided that she needed to get religion. Luckily, Dorothy also happened to be an ordained minister.
Observing Miller at work at the Hello Pizza Kitty, Hans greeted him as an old comrade. They reminisced about serving together in the Falklands, which was were Miller discovered weed. Hans informed Miller that he’d fallen into the life of a stoner due to his guilt over sending Hans into the battle that cost him his hand…and ever since that day, Miller had lacked confidence. Hans cajoled Miller into standing up straight and shouting to the world: “I am Captain Miller Johnstonstone,” (even though that’s not Miller’s name), “and I will not let you get away with this!”
In the confession booth, Dorothy explained to Lance that Hans had encouraged her to help others, so she was helping Bixie. As they conversed, the sexual tension of their weird love/hate relationship arose once again. Lance tried to think of his wife in Jack Hanna’s clutches, but couldn’t resist Dorothy’s sexy hip-hop dance moves. As they embraced passionately, an audience member walked out.
Hans Jorg was admiring the ion cannons in Eric’s secret lair. When Eric mocked Hans’ German accent, Hans informed him that the reason he belittled others and sought to conquer the world was because he lacked confidence. Eric confronted Hans about his own self-confidence problem; he knew that Hans lost not only his hand in the Falklands, but his penis as well. Eric asked Hans to join him, since he could use a man who has something to take out on the world.
After praying in the chapel, Bixie explained to Poncey that she’d turned to God to show her the way…preferably by putting the right path directly in front of her so she wouldn’t have to choose for herself. She continued that all she wanted was to get right with God and sleep with Burt Reynolds. Poncey questioned the compatibility of those two goals.
Hans and Lance began debated about which of them was better suited to being Emperor von Landingham’s right-hand man. After a heated argument, Lance declared that Hans lacked confidence.
Filled with renewed self-confidence, an armed Miller confronted Eric about his evil plans. Eric laughed “If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful.” Miller answered his boast by shooting him.
Bixie and Poncey were waiting on the front porch when Burt Reynolds (actually Dorothy in a fake mustache) arrived. Lance pulled “Burt” aside and asked Dorothy if she really intended to go through with this, even if it meant sleeping with Bixie. Her reply: “Shit yeah!”
In the basement, Hans and Lance attempted to revive Eric. Hans blamed himself for restoring Miller’s confidence. When they finally managed to get Eric out of his Emperor’s robe, they discovered that he was still alive, but horribly disfigured and brain-damaged (with a bullet hole in his forehead).
In the game room, Miller was bragging to Poncey about how he’d regained his confidence and shot Eric. Surveying the crowd, Miller noticed that an audience member was missing. Blaming himself, Miller’s bravado crumbled, and he broke down crying. Hans entered and told Miller that maybe he was just one of those people who wasn’t cut out to have confidence. For having the wisdom to accept his status as a slacker, Hans declared Miller the winner of the challenge.
Bixie and “Burt” were basking in the afterglow in Bixie’s bedroom. As they cuddled together, Bixie admitted that she knew “Burt” was really Dorothy.
TO BE CONTINUED…