Episode 11: Call It
Little Sammy Swanson’ father, Steven Swanson, arrived at the hospital, explaining that he’d just returned from his Disneyland vacation (courtesy of the Make-a-Wish Foundation) and had come to pick up his son’s remains and the insurance check. Rosie Jay informed him that not only was Sammy still alive, but that she had adopted him. Steven was puzzled as to how she could have done that, but he didn’t let his confusion or her obvious contempt stop him from coming on to her.
Nurse Barney Kabob was up on the roof, casing the bank across the street. When Head Nurse Yummy Wampler came up to do some cleaning, Barney confessed that he felt out of place in the hospital and was feeling the lure of his old criminal lifestyle. Yummy asked why he’d been in prison in the first place.
BARNEY: “You ever get filled with rage? Rage that makes you wrap your fingers around the living neck of another human being until it stops? You ever do that five times?”
Uncomfortable with the way Barney was looking at her, Yummy informed him that she’d lost her erogenous zones in a Girl Scout accident years before. She managed to talk Barney down and get him to face the cause of his problems: a lack of love from his mother. Barney broke down crying and asked Yummy to be his mom.
Dr. Corky Howser was examining Sammy Swanson, amazed that Sammy had managed to hold on for so long. Sammy informed him that he had accepted his impending death…but now that he’d reached puberty, he wanted to die a man and not a boy. Corky, being 15 and afflicted with Down’s Syndrome, didn’t know what he meant by that. Corky asked Sammy to explain the birds and the bees.
SAMMY: “Well, from what I learned from Cinemax, the boy comes over to repair the cable or some other major appliance…”
Attorney Wince Medler and hospital CEO Stern Boyer were playing a game of high-stakes poker, with Stern deep in the hole. As a piece of friendly advice, Wince explained Stern’s problem: He thinks out loud when he looks at his cards. As they continued the game, Wince informed Stern that he was representing 19 patients who suing the hospital after developing Legionnaire’s Disease. They set the stakes for the next hand: If Stern wins, Wince drops the lawsuit. If Wince wins, Stern steps down and appoints Wince the new CEO of the hospital. Naturally, Wince won the hand and the hospital…then, just when it looked like things couldn’t get any worse for Stern, he started showing the first symptoms of Legionnaire’s Disease.
Rosie Jay and Barney Kabob met in a restaurant to discuss their upcoming wedding, but the conversation turned ugly when Barney accused her of inappropriate behavior with Sammy. She retorted that he was only projecting his own fears and anger onto her, but this psychological talk went completely over his head. Rosie angrily broke off the engagement.
Steven Swanson was drinking at the hospital bar, the Rusty Scalpel, where Stern Boyer was serving the drinks. Steven informed Stern that he was planning to sue the hospital for keeping his son alive and denying Steven his insurance check. Just then, Sammy Swanson entered.
STEVEN: “What are you doing alive?”
SAMMY: “I could ask you the same question…but it wouldn’t make any sense.”
Sammy warned his father that he had prepared a letter for the Make-a-Wish Foundation, informing them of Steven’s fraud. He went on to explain that the insurance money would go to his new mother, Rosie Jay. Steven replied that he would challenge the adoption, since both he and Sammy’s morbidly obese mother were still alive.
In the supply room, Yummy Wampler was practicing her stand-up comedy routine, using an IV stand as an imaginary microphone. Little Sammy entered, and after a brief conversation, Sammy asked Yummy to take his virginity and make a man of him.
SAMMY: “You’re more of a woman than I’ve ever seen before.”
YUMMY: “Oh, you poor kid.”
Yummy warned Sammy that she had no erogenous zones, but with his lack of experience, she figured it wouldn’t make any difference.
Dr. Corky Howser was in his office, contemplating his domain as the hospital’s new Chief Surgeon. Just then, Wince Medler entered and informed Corky that he’d won control of the hospital from Stern Boyer. He announced that, as the new CEO, he was going to fire Corky…then, as an attorney, he would represent Corky and file a discrimination suit against the hospital.
Rosie Jay was out driving the ambulance when Stern Boyer jumped in front of it. After Rosie pulled him inside, Stern lamented that he’d lost the hospital in a poker game, and that he was dying of Legionnaire’s Disease. Rosie told him that Legionnaire’s Disease was easily treatable, but his gambling addiction was the problem he REALLY needed help with. Inspired by her street smarts and confident attitude, Stern put her in charge of the hospital (even though he no longer had the authority to do so).
Barney Kabob was in the chapel, asking God why He’d forsaken him. Just then, Steven Swanson entered and asked Barney to help him collect his insurance by getting rid of Sammy. Barney pointed out that the insurance policy only worked if Sammy died a natural death, but Steven countered that “natural things happen,” especially in such a crappy hospital. Feeling abandoned by God and tempted by Steven’s evil, Barney ripped off his shirt to reveal the devil-face gang tattoo on his chest. Steven realized that he and Barney were both fellow members of The Diablos.
Enjoying a post-coital snack of Teddy Grahams, Sammy noticed that Yummy had become quiet and withdrawn. She explained that she felt guilty and dirty, and informed him that it would never work out…he was terminally ill, and she’d probably go to prison where she’d become some other woman’s bitch. Her only consolation was that, since Sammy would die soon, nobody would ever know about their illegal encounter. Sammy informed her that he’d captured their moments of passion on his on-line journal and webcam.
Corky lamented the loss of his job to Barney (who was standing with his back towards Corky). When Barney turned around, Corky saw the devil tattoo on his chest and was stricken with fear. Realizing that Barney had gone over to the side of evil, Corky warned that he would stop Barney’s nefarious plans. They began wrestling.
Wince Medler was settling into his new office when Steven Swanson arrived and informed him he was suing the hospital. Gloating, Steven rubbed his crotch, and a loud “boo” filled the room. Steven explained the noise by revealing that he’d had his testicles replaced with See-and-Say toy parts 14 years ago. Wince pointed out that, since Sammy Swanson is only 13, that means Sammy couldn’t possibly be Steven’s son, which means he has no claim. Steven cursed that his plans had been foiled by his poor math skills. Just then, Corky ran through, screaming that a murderer was loose in the hospital. Barney burst in immediately afterwards and quickly knocked Corky unconscious. In the confusion, Steven picked up Corky’s toy hammer and lightly tapped Wince on the head, killing him instantly. Yes, you read that right…toy hammer, light tap, killed.
In the operating room, Barney had Corky tied facedown on a gurney and was preparing to give him an enema of Legionnaire’s Disease. However, before that could happen, Yummy burst in, carrying the dying (this time for sure) Sammy Swanson. She untied Corky and put Sammy onto the gurney so they could save him, but Sammy flatlined moments later. Corky managed to bring him back with mouth-to-mouth, just as Rosie Jay and Stern Boyer entered. Barney tried to sneak out of the room in the confusion, but was blocked when Steven Swanson arrived. Steven informed Barney that he’d receive his payment as soon as Sammy flatlined permanently. Yummy declared her love for Sammy and told everybody about their encounter, since it was already on the Internet anyway. Steven informed Sammy that, even though he was still just waiting to profit from his death, he was proud that his son had become a man. Suddenly, everybody realized what Sammy’s “manhood” meant.
BARNEY: “Wait a minute! You hired me to kill the kid. If he’s a man, the deal’s off.”
ROSIE: “And if he’s a man, you don’t get the money!”
YUMMY: “If he’s a man, I didn’t do anything illegal…three times.”
STERN: “If he’s a man…I’m still dying!”
Sammy presented his will: He left all his love to Rosie, and Yummy three times on Sunday. His genitals would go to Steven Swanson, to replace his toy testicles. The insurance money would go to Little Five Points Hospital so that it could become a REAL hospital.
ROSIE: “Oh, Sammy. You’ve changed everyone’s life.”
STERN: “Except mine. I don’t want to keep harping on it, but I’m still dying.”
With that, Stern Boyer died.
Atoning for his evil ways, Steven told Sammy the truth: He wasn’t Sammy’s real father. He found Sammy on the street as an infant, and brought him up as his own. Sammy grew up imitating Steven’s lisp, which meant that Sammy’s manner of speech was just conditioning and not the terminal speech impediment Steve Scarborough Syndrome. What’s more, Steven’s own lisp was just an act…he revealed his true accent and identity as Pablo Espanol, leader of the Diablo gang. Stunned by this revelation, Sammy pointed out that he still had a brain tumor, so he’d probably better just go ahead and die anyway. Steven and Barney decided to set out for a new life together in prison, leaving Sammy with a photo of his morbidly obese mother. (“Let this sight guide you into Heaven.”) The sight of the photo finally finished Sammy once and for all.
Left alone, Corky, Rosie and Yummy decided to go to the Little Varsity Jr. and raise a Frosted Orange in Sammy’s memory. As they walked out, Corky asked Rosie and Yummy what everybody meant by all this talk about Sammy becoming a man. Yummy offered to show him.