Episode 6: Wango Ze Tango
Bixie Biederback was in her office when Ted Nugent came in through the window, answering her call to guest-star on her show. The Nuge would be leading the housemates into the woods for an outdoor challenge this week. Since his own reality show was on hiatus, he was happy to help out. They reminisced about skipping class together in high school, which started Bixie down the road of drug abuse.
In the secret Illuminati headquarters, Rory Manchester had just initiated Eric von Landingham as his protégé. Rory warned Eric that they would soon face one of the 17 heroes fighting the Illuminati…namely, Ted Nugent.
In preparation for the outing, Dorothy was teaching Poncey Highland how to survive in the woods with only a bucket and broom. Poncey had a flashback to his days as a cub scout, trying for a “bucket badge” before discovering that there was no such thing. The memory of the humiliation snapped him back to the present and caused him to sing about his determination to be the best Poncey he could be (and get a sugar-daddy to take care of him).
Lance Belligui and Miller were carpooling to the woods. When Lance asked if Miller had any experience with the wilderness, Miller complained that it was just a stereotype that pot smokers are nature-loving hippies. In face, Miller hates the outdoors. Lance replied that he didn’t want to take part in this trip either, but had to do what the network says. Miller suggested that he use the trip to get lost and escape the network’s grasp.
As Ted Nugent showed Dorothy how to make a bear trap, they bonded over having something in common: Neither of them had bathed in 14 years. The Nuge explained that the shampoo industry was a big conspiracy to sell something people don’t actually need.
In the woods, Rory showed Poncey his automatic tent, demonstrating that it comes with a ready-made rave, complete with a hot tub, four young men, and an automatic Jesus. Rory explained that they would need to work together when Ted Nugent issues the challenge, and he was giving this to Poncey in exchange for his allegiance.
Eric drove Bixie out to the woods. As she got out to stretch and smell the fresh air, Eric suddenly drove off and abandoned her.
Lance and Miller’s Fiat had broken down in the woods. As the “Dueling Banjos” music filled the air, Miller began panicking that the “Deliverance” treatment was in store for them. Lance prayed that his Burt Reynolds mustache would protect him.
Meanwhile, all the non-stranded housemates were gathered by the campfire, waiting for Ted Nugent to issue the challenge. He announced that the prize would be a night at Nugent Inn, a Cadillac, and 18 million Nugent Bucks (redeemable at Texaco). Just then, Miller and Lance were dropped off by a helpful hillbilly in a pickup truck. Now that all the contestants were gathered, the Nuge divided them into two teams. The teams were to climb Mt. Nugent, avoid Kalamazoo the bear, retrieve the flag, then return and give Nugent a high-five. To make it even more exciting, the Nuge will be hunting the teams with a bow and arrow all the while.
Alone in the woods, the delirious Bixie was talking to her newfound weasel friend Julie Andrews. Bixie heard Julie’s voice offering herself as food so that Bixie could survive. As Bixie snapped the weasel’s neck, she heard the same voice saying “I didn’t mean it!”
As they made their way up the mountain, Dorothy told Poncey that she could scale the mountain with her retractable claws. (“I knew it! The homeless are evolving into superhumans!”) Just then, Ted Nugent ambushed them and fired an arrow.
Meanwhile, Bixie heard the voice of Frank Sinatra urging her to get the gold nugget from Ted Nugent’s sack. Inspired by her father figure, Bixie enthusiastically agreed, but then collapsed and began shivering.
Miller was gathering berries and putting them in a bong when his foot got caught in a bear trap. The Nuge ran in and threatened to filet Miller. (“Wait, you’ll fellate me?”) In the nick of time, Rory arrived and freed Miller from the trap. Nugent recognized Rory as his former road manager, and they faced off. Nugent used his nature skills to summon Kalamazoo the bear, but the bear proved to be pretty darn useless as Rory immediately snapped her neck.
Dorothy and Lance had found a babbling brook to get fresh water. With the stress of the situation taking its toll on their already-strained relationship, they began bickering. Lance pointed out that the brook wouldn’t do her any good, since he was the one who had something to carry the water. The babbling brook told Dorothy to use her hat. She dipped her hat into the brook, and when she pulled it out, it magically held 18 gallons, plus 40 loaves and fishes.
The feral Bixie was wandering in the woods when Eric found her. He noticed that she had fashioned a shank from a weasel bone. Bixie pointed out a squirrel behind Eric, and he asked if she was going to stab him once he turned around. She assured him she wouldn’t, then stabbed him anyway. Frank Sinatra’s voice told her to cut off Eric’s ear and wear it as a trophy.
Poncey stumbled across the unconscious Ted Nugent, who woke up as soon as his name was spoken. The Nuge warned Poncey that Rory was part of the Illuminati, and was two steps away from being the eye on the pyramid. To defeat him, they had to make a sacrifice by dropping a virgin bear into the volcano on Mt. Nugent.
Rory and Miller were riding Rory’s robotic camel through the woods, wondering whether to go back and save Eric or go forward and win the challenge. Without any hesitation, they decided to win. Eric staggered towards them with his ear bandaged, and Miller kicked him away. Rory told Miller that the journey to Mt. Nugent would be like living through “Lord of the Rings” (“I’ll be your Frodo if you’ll be my Sam.”). Miller picked Rory up and began carrying him.
Dragging Kalamazoo the bear up to the mountain, Ted Nugent warned the teammates that Rory had used the show to hypnotize the viewers, who would be set off when Rory utters the trigger-word “Applesauce.” Despite the distracting arrivals of Bixie and Eric, they managed to drop the bear into the volcano with only seconds to spare. As they celebrated their victory, Poncey accidentally fell off the mountain ledge.
Rory and Miller were trying to get their robot camel out of the mud when Poncey came tumbling down the mountain. When Poncey boasted that they’d defeated Rory, Rory exclaimed that the sacrifice was actually a ritual to open the gates of Hell. Ted Nugent had lied to them all. The Nuge came down to gloat about his victory, and a fight broke out. By the end of the struggle, Miller had ripped off Ted Nugent’s hair, signifying that Miller, as the holder of the Golden Fleece, was the Chosen One.
TO BE CONTINUED…