Episode 9: Mystery in Space
His spine having been broken by Altair-9000, Stephan Fechet was lying in the hospital when Dr. Gaye Hoelikker came by to treat him with another of her hawk-guano tonics. She hoped she could cure him as a farewell present before she leaves for the planet Mystic Handjob.
Armageddon Uno delivered the turbo engines that Altair had requested. As payment, Armageddon wanted Altair to find out who killed Dmitri Turnankoff last week, so that Armageddon could take the killer’s scalp in revenge.
Prince Schmultan of the Hawk-People went to Tamborina to discuss the upbringing of Lumpy, the baby that Dr. Hoelikker had given to Tamborina. Having only a short time left to live, Tamborina wanted to spend her last days with the baby. Schmultan swore to be with her as well. (“I’ll die with you…I mean, I’ll be with you when YOU die.”)
Captain Flash Buckstar was flying a kite in preparation for the upcoming Kite-Off competition. A crewman named Bob came by with some data for Buckstar to enter into the Computron. Rather than put down his kite, Buckstar told Bob his personal ID code. As Bob entered the numbers, the Computron, registering Bob as Buckstar, delivered a fatal electric shock.
Armageddon Uno was up at Inspiration Point, preparing to bury Dmitri’s shirt as a farewell ceremony, when Dr. Gaye Hoelikker came by and noticed the tears in his eyes. Reluctantly, Armageddon explained that he had lost his “best friend of three minutes,” and had sworn to kill Dmitri’s murderer. Now that he had gotten that secret off his chest, he felt it was only fair that Gaye tell him a secret of hers. When Gaye hesitated, Armageddon remembered that she’d given him “Mr. Mister 4th of July,” her toy that stored everybody’s deepest secrets. As he held the doll up to Gaye’s face, Mr. Mister 4th of July declared “I killed Dmitri Turnankoff.” Enraged, Armageddon threw the toy to the ground and began shooting it. (“Those plushies can be vicious.”) Only afterwards did the synapses in Armageddon’s brain start connecting, and he realized that Gaye was the killer.
Captain Flash Buckstar was knitting a hat for the upcoming Knit-Off competition, when a crewman named Johnny came by with a delivery of peanut butter for the Captain. When Johnny remarked that he hadn’t tasted genuine Earth peanut butter in years, Buckstar offered him some. Johnny took a taste and immediately fell dead.
Altair-9000 stopped by during Stephan’s physical therapy to apologize for breaking his back. Stephan angrily refused the robot’s apology, then began dragging himself along the floor to attack Altair. Easily sidestepping Stephan’s assault, Altair declared that he’d come to put Stephan out of his misery, but Stephan’s feeble attempts at revenge were too hilarious.
Captain Flash Buckstar and Prince Schmultan finished building a house for the Lunar Habitat for Humanity Build-Off. As Buckstar told Schmultan about the string of bad luck and mysterious deaths that had been occurring around him, another crew member walked by and offered to warm up Buckstar’s Camaro for him. Shortly afterwards, there was the sound of a huge explosion and the crewman’s screams of agony.
Stephan Fechet dragged himself into the casino on his walker. To make it easier for him, Schmultan brought the game down to the floor. Trying to encourage Stephan, Schmultan revealed that in his youth, he suffered from wingiosis, a crippling deformity of the wings. Schmultan urged Stephan to overcome his disability just as he had.
Captain Flash Buckstar was in the final frame of the Miniature Bowling Bowl-Off when Armageddon Uno came by with a hank of hair stuffed in his belt. Armageddon explained that he’d tried to scalp Dmitri’s killer as he’d sworn, but he only managed to cut off one pigtail before she ran away. As Buckstar told Armageddon about the attempts on his life, another crewman entered. (“Somebody mailed me this vial of poison and told me to give it to you. Think I’ll drink it myself.”)
Setting up the turbo engines, Altair-9000 gloated about his plan to accelerate the moon out of its orbit and into the sun. He attempted a diabolical laugh.
Tamborina went to Dr. Gaye Hoelikker’s office and was startled to see the half-scalped Gaye’s new asymmetrical hairdo. Running a medical scanner over Tamborina, Gaye confirmed that Tamborina was dying, but hinted that she might be able to do something with the DNA that’s been accumulating on the cigarette Tamborina’s had in her mouth for 50 years. Setting down for a heart-to-heart talk, Tamborina said that she thought Gaye and Schmultan would make a good couple, and that they could raise Gaye’s baby together.
Armageddon Uno was piloting Stephan Fechet to another doctor who might be able to fix Stephan’s spine. In an attempt to make it easier for Stephan to sit, Armageddon unstrapped Stephan’s backpack. Freed of its weight, Stephan suddenly stood up and began walking. (“It was the backpack the entire time!”)
Captain Flash Buckstar used the Computron to contact the world’s greatest detective, Sir John Holmes of Scotland Yard, who appeared as a holographic projection. After Buckstar explained all the attempts on his life, Holmes started his amazing deductions. Unfortunately, before he could reveal the killer’s identity, the connection was broken.
Prince Schmultan took Tamborina out to the pool for one last fling. When she asked who was taking care of the baby, he replied that he’d left her at home alone, but reassured Tamborina that she’d be fine. As she began to lecture him on parental responsibility, he explained that he was only kidding…he’d left her in Armageddon Uno’s care. Just then, Armageddon came by with Lumpy and threw her into the pool to teach her to swim. Schmultan dove in and rescued her, and Tamborina apologized for doubting him. Schmultan asked Tamborina to marry him.
Captain Flash Buckstar discovered one of the turbo engines Altair had set up, and figured that this was part of the plot to kill him. Just then, the killer finally revealed himself…it was none other than an older version of Buckstar himself! The older Buckstar explained that he’d come back in time to kill his younger self, since he’d always hated himself and what he’d done to his career. Altair-9000 and Armageddon Uno entered, and Altair revealed that the future Buckstar had promised him the secret to becoming human in exchange for killing the past Buckstar. Altair snapped the young Buckstar’s neck, and both Buckstars fell dead on top of each other. Altair and Armageddon then headed off to activate the turbo engines.
TO BE CONTINUED…